Dreaming about my abusive ex-husband when will it stop?

[stillgrowingLisa]

When will I stop dreaming about my ex-husband?  We have been divorced for 10 months.  I keep dreaming that we get back together, or he is with another woman and I am hurt, or other variations on these themes.  Every dream is soooo emotionally charged.  I end up crying for hours the next day.  I was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 20 years.  He was very controlling and made me so anxious I was physically sick.  I got the courage to divorce him in spite of the fact that I love him.  I knew that I must to survive - the life I had would have killed me eventually.   But now I'm having these dreams that are tearing me apart.  I see a psychologist, and I am working through understanding what happend, but I am so tired of being sad all the time.  Has anyone been through something like this?  When does my heart heal?

[allmymarbles]

Maybe your biggest problem is loneliness. You were married for a long time. Seek male companionship.

[Creds]

I came across your thread as I had googled about dreaming of my violent and abusive ex. Seriously, it's every night. We split up almost six years ago!!! He only seems to come back in such a way when I am troubled or upset with something. Annoyingly in the dreams he is always lovely and the man I first met. However, he is not lovely, I have 5 years of mental and physical scars to show that.
I was compelled to write on here as I was quite shocked to read some comments on how long you stayed and suchlike..
Only people  or in an abusive situation would ask you that as they could not possibly understand the fear and the emotional drain of being with someone. When my ex had beaten me quite badly, I could not move the next day, not because of the physical bruises but the mental ones. Only someone in this situation will understand this felling. In your mind, you need to get out, you need to go, but you're just too weak.
Equally I am unsure how people link this to sex. It's not. That's just the only thing people think about nowadays and no one has any control or restraint anymore.
I hope you are well and have been able to move on with your life and have found happiness.

[Karey17]

I like the way you express yourself. Clear and concise, informative and compassionate.

Anger Management was and is a difficult area. Especially when Repression was the keyword to survival.

I started piling up dirty laundry (whilst waiting for a load to finish) and kicked it round the kitchen floor. I felt frightening at first, knowing how deep-seated my anger was. But Oh the RELIEF !!!

Now I tend to do the cushion-bashing thing. Get a really good swing and smash it down on the bed.  

Thank God for privacy.

[Karey17]

Wow !  We seem to have hit the nail squarely on the head here !!

I think you have great insight. It's ALWAYS about our own feelings. I too had terrible trust issues. You know the odd thing was that at first I thought it was because I couldn't trust them. But then it dawned on me that it was MYSELF I couldn't trust. I had decided that I exercised such poor judgement in the past, and why should I believe that I knew anything about anything ???

It's a long process isn't it ? But I think I just started to listen to that inner voice who said ..Hang on a minute, that doesn't actually tally with what happened...

It's the hardest thing in the world sometimes to completely change your own Belief System.

Sounds like you have made terrific inroads already. Being AWARE is the first and best way to start healing. Congratulations on using that self-awareness to benefit yourself. I think that is commendable and very very praiseworthy.

Well Done You  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stillgrowingLisa]

Yes, yes, yes!  This is EXACTLY what my recent therapy sessions are about.  I have this actual fear that I don't have good judgement when it comes to relationships.  I have hard evidence to back that up.  But I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I want to be secure in the knowledge that I can trust my instincts.  I almost feel like I need to prove something to myself.  Thank you for sharing your feelings.  I'm glad you are making progress, it gives me hope.  As for unfinished business...I think I need to confront my ex with the truth, even though he'll never see it.  I need to stand up for myself.  This will be hard since we share custody of our 12 year old son.

[stillgrowingLisa]

Thanks for your thoughts.  I know I've been co-dependent, so I think you are right in a sense.  As for loving someone who hurts you, I think a person can, I did.  Though I don't recommend it. I am doing counseling, Lord knows it's the only thing that helps.