Dreaming about my abusive ex-husband when will it stop?

[stillgrowingLisa]

When will I stop dreaming about my ex-husband?  We have been divorced for 10 months.  I keep dreaming that we get back together, or he is with another woman and I am hurt, or other variations on these themes.  Every dream is soooo emotionally charged.  I end up crying for hours the next day.  I was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 20 years.  He was very controlling and made me so anxious I was physically sick.  I got the courage to divorce him in spite of the fact that I love him.  I knew that I must to survive - the life I had would have killed me eventually.   But now I'm having these dreams that are tearing me apart.  I see a psychologist, and I am working through understanding what happend, but I am so tired of being sad all the time.  Has anyone been through something like this?  When does my heart heal?

[stillgrowingLisa]

PS.  Forgot to mention this.  Your technique about letting out the anger I think is useful.  Before I say this, please understand that my mother is bi-polar, has personality disorders, is an end stage alcholic, RX abuser, manipulative, mean-spirited and emotionally abusive to every single member of our family, including my 84 year old Grandma.  She refuses treatment.  To top it off she's tried to kill several members of the family when drunk.  As you can imagine, even as she was abusing us, we were constantly trying to "save" her.  Enough about that....

My moment was when a year ago at the age of 41 I told her that she was a self centered, selfish *****.  (I have never talked like that before)  I told her that she had hurt me for 41 years.  I told her that she had hurt every single person I loved.  I told her it was done, she wouldn't be hurting me any more.  I left and have no intention of having contact with her in the future.  It was an incredible relief to be angry with her.  I had suppressed it for my whole life and now it was out.  I think this was a turning point.  

Now to work on my anger at my ex.....

Thanks again.  

[stillgrowingLisa]

Thanks for posting.  I am so sorry you have been through so much.  Any one of those abusive situations is horrible.  I understand about PTSD, it paralyzed me for years.  I'm glad to hear you are having counseling.  You might ask your psychologist about EMDR (google it).  It was the single most effective treatment for me.  The armed services use it to help vets with PTSD.

I went from one abuse situation to another too (from mother to husband).  My psychologist helped me understand why I did that.  Don't get me wrong - it's never the victim's fault - no one has the right to abuse.  My point is that there are reasons why I made the choices I did.  I'm quite frightened of making another bad choice in a relationship, so I'm working really hard on looking back to see the "signs" that I ignored. I like to think I can learn from my mistakes!   Abused women DO tend to end up in more abuse situations and I'm determined to break the pattern.  Sounds like you are too.  

May God bless you with peace beyond all understanding.  

[stillgrowingLisa]

Thanks for the post.  I am so sorry that you were abused.  I hope you have your share of happiness now.    

It's encouraging to hear that the dreams stop.  I am making changes to get on with MY life, but unresolved feelings keep popping up at the most unexpected times.  I think it would be easier if I could have no contact with him - but there has to be some contact because we share custody of our 12 year old son.  Whatever my brain needs to do to process this **** is fine, I just want to get through it.  

[stillgrowingLisa]

Thank you for your post.  I know that you are right in that he was not worth it.  That conclusion was what eventually allowed me to leave.  

Your comment about not understanding why anyone would put up with abuse for so long interested me.  Every situation is different, but here are a few facts about why I stayed. It might give you some insight for the future.

1.   I was emotionally abused by my mother as a child, and this lead me to accept (at only 20 years old) an abusive situation with my husband as "normal".  

2.  I was the only person willing to pacify him (translation - be a door mat) and so he "loved" me for it.  My self esteem didn't allow me to see I deserved better.  Of course all spouse abusers seem wonderful in the beginning and get progressively worse.

3..  My husband was abused as a child too.  Weird as it seems, there can be a bond through this type of thing.  I saw him as a person who was hurting too.  He was and is.  The problem was he took out his pain on me.  

4.  I take marriage seriously.  I wanted to make it work. I saw myself as a "loyal" person, it took a long time for me to stop thinking of loyalty as a character trait that I valued over self preservation.

5.  We have a child (now 12) who we both love.  Being a child of divorce, I didn't want to put my child through that.

6.  I was just plain scared to do anything but try to pacify him and avoid the next confrontation.  Every confrontation killed me a little more and drained my strength.

The good news is that psychological therapy, and drugs that tamp down my anxiety allowed me enough room to grow.  Eventually I grew to have enough strength to leave.  I am so sad that it took 20 years.  

My advice to young women is that if you feel put down or scared to be yourself with a man.  If you avoid certain topics, or try to "make everything just right" to avoid his anger - you are with a man who has serious problems.  Whatever it takes, find the strength to leave.  It won't be easy  - in fact it may be heart breaking - but it's the only way out.

Thanks for listening.  

[IamFreeindeed]

Thank you so much for this reply. I know it was years ago but it explains exactly why i stayed 20 years. I was only 15 when i got sucked in. Like you it was to escape my mom. I've only been gone 9 months and still in a shelter. Now I'm dealing with nightmares of him trying to get me and my son and laughing at me and him standing there looking at me and i just go Back to himand do what is expected of me and hating myself for it. Still feeling like he owns me and I'm going to get in trouble for what I'm doing. For being free. Other dreams I'm screaming at him which i never ever did in real life and he just plays dumb. I also hate when I'm talking to people now and i find myself responding with the words he uses. It makes me think was he right and all people are just stupid? I also feel like I'm not being loyal even though he was the one cheating in front of me. But that's because when i tried to leave He beat me daily for months shaved my head and told me i belong to him and have to prove myself every day When i was 19. He had 6 other women thru the years. When i left 2 were still living there. I'm praying for healing. Wonder will i every be normal. God is good though. I have my baby who he tried to force me to abort and my son who he said i would never see again. How are you now?

[MrsMacDugle]

From 1 abuse victim of child abuse, rape & gang rape to another victim of abuse.  There is no definate time line to remove the trauma however, I did finally get control over my nightmares of repeat abuse.  My current therapist & I are working on my PTSD & one of my exercises that I had to do was take control of all the anger I felt toward those that  hurt me so badly.

So I was instructed to figure out a way that I may demolish that person or persons that hurt me or didn't protect me.  And take out my pain, anger & frustation on them.  I used water balloons.  I took each on & focused all my anger, frustration of each of them & once I had gathered as much anger for that particular balloon I would then scream at it as I smashed it against the grown.  Repeat as often as need until you finally begin to feel relief.

Eventually you will discover that the nightmares will go away or not occur as often, & if they do occur it will probably be on a very traumatic event in you history, repeat the exercise above & focus on what the trauma might have been for that time frame during your life with your abuser & than focus on that event to repeat with the exercise & smash the event until you feel relief.

Debra

[jo929]

i myself have no idea why one would put up with abuse for that long, love or no love, but the only way to forget id\s to not let him win, as you are doing you are letting him ruin what is left of your life say to yourself he was not worth it and he is not taking over i am the winner and i will lead my own life, he is the loser, bnecause he is an abuser and desrves nothing but contempt  luck  jo   i hate abuisers