Any parents of heroin addicts here?

[freakedoutmom51]

Hello,
   I am a mother of an 18 year old daughter who is addicted to heroin.
   She, like many others, started out on oxycontin. When she became immune to the higher doses of oxy., she started snorting heroin. Of course, I had no idea she was using until I found out by accident after she had been doing it for many months. We immediately put her into inpatient rehab. We could only get a total of 18 days inpatient and a total of 4 months outpatient covered by insurance and other available services.
   We thought she was doing well, and she of course, learned to hide it very well. If I hae learned anything from this whole horrible experience, addicts are devious, amazing liars. She managed to pull the wool over not only OUR eyes, but the outpatient counselors eyes as well! We just found out the other day that she relapsed and is now shooting heroin for 3 months.
   Finding this news out is both devistating, and hurtful to me and my husband. We feel we have given her all the love and support, counseling, and treatment we could. We even started trusting her again, which I thought I would never do! How could she do this to us???!!! I understand it's the drug that is more enticing than pleasing your family, but the hurt is overwhelming.
   We put her in detox and this is only day 3 for her right now.
   I wondered if there are any other parents out there who can share their feelings, frustrations, and stories with me.
Thanks.

[Deb179]

Your post just broke my heart.  Kim hasn't been here for awhile and may not respond.
I'm sending you a friend request and a private message, If you'd like to talk
It's a horrible road. .you need support
deb

[birdsnest]

I understand what you are feeling. My daughter, my beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving, talented daughter started using heroin at 19. I dont know why. She went through all of the education, the DARE program, me telling her not to take that path, yet, she did. She had broken up with her long time boyfriend, he had slept with someone else. She was heartbroken, she tried heroin. She has told me over and over it isnt my fault. Still. I feel it is somehow. I failed her somehow. This is not the life God intended for her, her sisters and brother, her father, or me. I blame myself because we divorced when she was young. I am trying to accept that it isnt my fault. Everything inside of me wants to take this from her, to overcome it myself for her, to kill this wicked thing that stole my child. It hurts so bad. I have tried everything, rehabs, money, support, patience, no contact, no help, ... she is 31 now. Three years ago she became pregnant and her baby girl, my only grandchild, was taken away from her. I live out of state so I legally couldnt even take my grandchild to raise. I feel so ashamed. This wasnt how life was suppose to work out. This is all wrong. Now my daughter is so depressed over losing her child. There is nothing I can do except to tell her to get her life together so that one day she will be the woman her daughter deserves to find out is her mother. She doesnt live anywhere. She accepts homelessness and begging for money in parking lots as the life she deserves. I feel ashamed that my daughter is out there, homeless. She lies to me about her sobriety. I can always tell bc she sniffs while shes talking on the phone. I pay for her to have a cell phone-its my only lifeline to her-even though she rarely picks up the phone when I call. I think about shutting it off, but then I would have no way of knowing...if she is alive. Allowing myself to say all of this, to write it, is excruciatingly painful. I have to keep a wall up emotionally, otherwise, I couldnt function, I couldnt work, or be there for my other 3 grown children. They are angry at her. So angry, fed up. I know she is sick and needs help. But what help can I give is she is unwilling. I literally drove out of state 4 years ago, went to the town I knew she was in- I hadnt heard from her in a month. I was so afraid she was dead or suffering and needed help. I posted reward signs all over with her picture on them. I stayed in a hotel for a week driving around every day, talking to people, other addicts. I brought subutex with me, so that she could detox in the hotel if I found her. I prayed and prayed. Finally a guy called me, he was a heroin addict too. He wanted the reward money. He told me where she would be walking and when to be there. Sure enough, there she was. She came around the corner and looked at me and said "Mom"? she started to cry but she was surprised and happy too...and high. I said I am here to take you out of here honey. Just get in the car. I have everything we need. I am taking you back home, after you detox you are going into a rehab. She got in the car, she detoxed over the next few days in the hotel, she did go to rehab, within days of getting out she relapsed again. She went back to that town. The guy I paid the reward to, maybe he was barely 21 years old- he ended up dying from an overdose. She knew him. His death didnt make her stop. Shes seen so much of that, but it doesnt stop the addiction from ruling her. So many times I have thought about kidnapping her, taking her to the mountains, to a little cabin so deep and so far from the city she couldnt escape, I would nurture her there, heal her, Mind, body and soul. I would stay there with her for as long as it took to get her back again, my precious angel with such a brilliant mind, the happy loving soul I gave birth to. She is lost in a maze of darkness, I cant reach her to help her. I am a prisoner of this heroin too yes I am. It has taken my child, and built a wall between us, it is a clear wall, I can see her suffering but am unable to break through, I have exhausted myself trying, all I can do is wait for her to wake up from the spell she is under, to realize the wall can only be broken through from her side. All of my love, all of my pain, it doesnt matter. She must feel love, for herself, forgiveness for herself, love for life enough to say enough. What is the purpose of this drug, this addiction, this life spent in it? It is dark and evil, little by little taking our children, our friends, life as we knew it, The destroyer. I asked what it felt like, they say it is a blissful, painless feeling. I think of meditation and can describe the same feelings. But the drug, it destroys all esteem, all sense of purpose, all honesty, all liberty, all of the self...too many burnt bridges, too far to come back to this reality I suppose. I still pray and I still have faith. I go back to my numbness about it in order to live, feeling guilty for living or any joy felt because she is out there somewhere begging for a buck to feed the monster inside of her.

[Deb179]

Hi Helen...Glad you found Dan & hes safe
The thoughts that can run through our minds. ..our worst enemy huh ?
yes it's amazing how fear will turn to anger then back to fear. ..big part of the emotional Rollercoaster ride they take us on
A social worker feeling stupid, not at all. ...your just too emotionally attached.
When it comes to our own kids,  the advice we give others, often needs to be given back to us :)
I hope Dan finds a solution,  as he is putting himself in unsafe places.
My son is a 3 year recovering heroin addict.  The stories he's since told me about situations he was in during his active years drains my color I'm sure.  I still wonder how he survived.  If his addiction didn't take him... the positions he put himself in for his addiction should have.
Towards the end of my son's active years I believed ZERO of what he said.   The members here gave me a great education  quick,  they told me step by step what his next move would be...they were right.  
As I said before...heroin addiction doesn't just go away.  
He was high and admitted to smoking weed,  that to me is a red flag.  
I don't know how to say this in a gentle way. ..addictive behavior, getting high in any way will keep him active, if he's not doing heroin now...more likely than not he will go back to it.
does he show any interest in getting clean with professional  help...rehabs, meetings ?
Eyes wide open. ..ok
here for you
deb

[HelenL44]

Thanks for your words.
A friend came to take me to lunch today and as she brought me home there was my car, parked in front of the house of Dan's friend from childhood. I was so relieved to know he wasn't dead or laying hurt somewhere. He'd been hiding out from some guys who wanted to make them pay for giving a ride to a dealer who stole some meth. Going a different place every day. He worked that out with the head guy of the bad dudes and four of them are going to pay those guys $30 each. Sheesh - he sure knows how to get himself into stuff with the wrong people. Anyway, he was stoned from weed, but said he hadn't used otherwise. I think I'll believe about a third for now. He's home sleeping because he was scared trying to hide out from those guys. Sounds like a movie plot. My car has a broken passenger window where one of the bad dudes swung a big bottle of liquor at Daniel's head from the outside and broke the window. sigh. tomorrow I'll probably have some new feelings rising now that I know he's safe. I'm glad to have found you even if it is quiet. I'm a social worker so I know the drill but am really stupid about my own self and kid right now. :-)
Helen

[Deb179]

Hi Helen. ..so glad your here.
this is an extremely hard long painful road. ..not doing it alone is a bit of comfort.  We will be here for you in any way we can.
it often gets quiet here, please don't be discouraged, I try to check daily, I'm sure others will be around too.
first of all please don't give up hope. ..it IS doable.
you do know we can't fix them,  it can only come from him.
Enabling I believe is the hardest thing for us mom's to get a grip on...it goes completely against our natural instincts to protect our child at all cost.  
In the case of addiction, it could be deadly.
I finally got to the point and you will hear these words often here...it's reinforced with good reason " Support ONLY their recovery ...not their addiction ".
I began to live by those words. ..I questioned my every move when it came to giving or doing for my son.   Was I helping him...or hurting him more ???
Soon it came to me how badly I was enabling.  We do it in ways we don't even understand, until we stop for a moment and give it thought.
Manipulation of your emotions is a big part of addiction, which I'm sure your living  Nasty words,  Anger,  threats, violent behavior. .right down to the tears and begging...ripping our heart strings.  It's a way for them to stay active.
your son is in there. ..it's the addiction that needs to be fought.
it's a process that you can't make happen, the heart stands in the way,  eventually numb happens...I guess that becomes our protection.
we can and will get just as sick if not more sick than them.
We as parents need to try to find a balance  of looking out for us, while learning how to detach with love FOR them.

Heroin is a tough drug to kick...educate yourself the best you can on this type of addiction...know the signs.   Ask us questions...no question is unimportant.
Most need long term care therapy, counseling, meetings, rehab that they are fully willing to participate in. They need to relearn life without drugs and new coping skills.
Withdrawing from heroin is only the beginning.
he has your car,  I don't want to assume, but I highly suspect he has it to use.
I know getting the police involved is not what you want to do, but at this point it might be in his best interest.
we need to learn to make them responsible for their own actions...the trouble they find,  the fines they need to repay.  While it will feel overwhelming, when they realize they are only digging deeper with no one to help get them out of their mess...many will ask for help.
Let us help hold your worries. ...don't ever feel you can't talk with us here.  Each one of us have or have had addiction in our lives

[HelenL44]

I found this group in a google search and started reading. I'd like to join. My 20 year old son withdrew from heroin last week - 6 days. I was so proud of him. The next day he borrowed my car because his had broken down and I haven't seen or heard from him since - going on the 4th night now. I have such mixed feelings and anxiety. The only option to get my car back (so I can go on about my life) is to call it in as stolen. I talked to a police officer last night and didn't want to do that because I gave him permission. He has done this once before, just before he decided to get clean. I am somewhat amazed at my enabling. If I hadn't watched him withdraw I would think differently. And I would not have lent him my car again. This is such a hard road.
Helen