Hi everyone...

[vicki595]

I don't have a question but an observation I'd like to share with everyone.  

I've been noticing some posts to members that seem to be falling a little short of our objective here: addicts helping addicts. I truly believe that some of the best therapy an addict can receive is support and compassion from another addict(or someone with vast addiction experience as with a family member.)

I'm remembering when I first came to MH. Along with the turmoil I was feeling,I was now puting myself out to the world. That's an extremely vulnerable position to be in. I had no idea how this thing operated or how to navigate around. I read all the guidelines,of course, but did they "stick". No. I had a lot going on. I didn't know that it was wrong to talk about amounts of pills,how they made or didn't make me feel, what the acceptable vernacular was. Not to talk about the way I was tapering,IN DETAIL!! LOL   I guess I read all that but my mind was elswhere. I was only thinking about myself and how the hell I was going to live.

I do know that had I encountered critism,lectures,censor,sarcasm,and anything close to negativity from my fellow addicts here...I would have been looking for a rope to hang myself with instead of a life preserver...Thankfully,I didn't encounter any of that!  I remember the FIRST person who posted to me: "Norco Queen of the Universe" and my first "friend", "GottaQit". I was good with that AND their beautiful words!!

I try to remeber that when I post to folks and I know sometimes I fail at saying the best thing! For everyone, I think it's important to support our new members the best way we know how. If someone says or explains something in any questionable way, or posts 16 threads in the same day, etc...it might be better to guide them toward the manner in which the forum flows,respectfully, and let a few things slide with a little explanation to the new member on how things are done on this forum.

There are two things I try never to do (and sometimes I fail), I try not to put any guilt or fear into a thread; these threads will be here for millions to see, well into the future, and we're already guilty and fearful when we get here!

I hope my peers accept my message here in the manner in which I've written it. With love.

A huge welcome to all our NEW MEMBERS!!   (one month or less I'd say?)  

I hope everyone accepts this post in the manner in which I've written it; with love.

[vicki595]

...and, it looks like I'm loving all y'all, TWICE!!    LOL

[ImDONENoMore]

Well said.

This forum is meant to be a safe place and I too was scared out of my mind after I first quit (probably the most scared I've ever been in my life).  And had my first reply here been only harsh criticism and judgment not only would I have felt like the biggest loser in the world (and I certainly didn't need any help in that area at the time)  I also would have left this forum.

And I would hate to see that happen to any of our newbies now.  We're supposed to be here for each other - to listen and to understand.  And we're also supposed to feel safe - well, at least as safe as you can feel in virtual reality.

I truly believe that part of recovery is accepting the world for exactly what it is, learning how to cope with that world in a healthier way and remembering that none of us are in a position to judge.  I know I'm not.

Thanks for posting this vicki - this needed to be said.

[Dane74]

My two favorite ladies could not have said it any better.  If it wasn't for all the kind words of all the folks on medhelp i would not be clean today.  This place is a no judgement zone and we dont have the right to make others reaching out for help feel inadequate.  I came on here scared, alone and ashamed, and if i was treated like a piece of crap, who the heck knows what i would have done.  We need to remind ourselves that we are dealing with peoples lives and yes at times it can mean life or death, so lets be sensitive to all. Our brains do not give a rip where we get the drug whether that be via a RX or on the street, all our brains care about is feeding it, so lets not judge how or where and lets focus getting and staying CLEAN.  God bless everyone on here......Dane

[LeaAnn807]

Well, I have just one thing to say.  If Vicki says to do it, I just do.  I don't argue with the Sarg!!!!!!!

Seriously, folks, speak to others the way you would want to be spoken to.  Everyone remember how fragile and vulnerable it feels to be new here, or anywhere reaching out for help.  I HONESTLY could not have gotten clean without my friends on here, and many days I couldn't have stayed that way without those same friends.  So......let's all just play nice and be helpful to everyone, every chance we get.  

It also helps you to help other people.  Can't keep what you won't give away!!!

[luciddreamrgrl]

I feel the exact same way. Someone just posted on my thread in a very condescending manner. Something about me taking a do it yourself approach and not being committed to being clean. It couldn't have been further from the truth. I'm very depressed right now because I'm on day 4 and it actually made me cry when I was feeling really good about myself. It hasn't set me back or anything but still. Please remember that if someone is really up about their decision to quit, don't bring them down. It's very depressing. :(

[mellie4]

Even though I'm not an "addict", just "dependent," this forum has helped me in so many ways.  I've learned to look at my ex-husband, who is terribly addicted to alcohol and pills, in a whole different way.  And because I have experienced withdrawals several times due to illness, I can certainly empathize with what people are going through.  I don't post too much due to the fact that I don't have the mental aspect of addiction.  But I feel like reading through this it helps to keep me in check.

One thing that helped me from reading here was to realize that my doctors had me on way too much medication.  And it was from the help here that I was able to come off a tremendous amount of medication.  And tapering wasn't easy.  I hurt and it took a long time, and it would have been easy to just say I'll stay where I'm at.  But the more I read, the more I realized that even with the serious pain condition I have, I can get by with much less.  And I have.

There are a few people here, that I'm sure they know who they are, that have helped me tremendously.  At times I felt like I didn't really belong here because I'm still on a low dose of medication.  For now, that's where I'm staying based on my primary care's advice as well as my pain team.  But my ultimate goal is to get rid of that as well and see where I'm at.

Overall, though, it helps me interact better with the addicts in my life (and there are quite a few.)  I had gotten fed up with them and I wasn't kind to them.  After reading stories of what all you people have gone through, it made me realize that they are no different.  So, I set my boundaries, and they're still using, unfortunately, but I can be supportive without being walked on.

You are all my heroes ... going through what  you did and then to keep coming here and helping others!!!  God bless you all!

[snakejones]

Being brought up in the south, I was taught tact as being second only to speaking the truth. Being human, I fail sometimes. Some memories still make me cringe! But I try every day to do my best to be as kind as possible. Sometimes truth must be unvarnished, but usually you dip the blade in honey first.  ;-)
Each person needs to read their post carefully before they punch the "post comment" button and do a preliminary edit. Is what you said true? Is it kind as possible? Is it helpful? If all three answers are "yes", then send it.
Remember, you catch more flies using honey than vinegar.

[snakejones]

I am guilty of using unvarnished truth last night to someone. I felt that it was an emergency and was scared for the person's life, but I could have left a sentence or two out of the post and still had it be a good post. I am going to apologize to that person tonight.
Thank you, Vicki, for a very important and powerful post.

[vicki595]

You're welcome and thanks for that comment!   You know, sometimes we have to take the sugar out of the tea and let someone know what it's all about!  It's a call that we should make carefully.   I'll share this as quick as I can: A member here was having A LOT of trouble staying clean from heroin. Relapse after broken promise;it went on and on. We love this guy!  But,I'm here to tell you that he was soooo frustrating and everyone was helping him and giving til it hurt. I can't remember ONE person who didn't scream at him toward the end of his addiction! I know exactly what I said!!  Well,he's clean for almost a year and he did that on his own with a lot of push!! But, no one was ever rude or harsh to him...we just yelled a lot. ( Hi James!)

Also,I guess some one touched on this already. We don't know where anyone's head is...we can't hear their voices...All we have are our eyes and a keyboard. How we use that is very powerful ...text can be difficult when you can't look at someone,touch someone,etc...We only have our words here...and I speak for myself as well...

[FassFeat]

Vicki,  Well said... needed to be said. Thanks. I think sometimes we forget how we felt when we were going through WD. It doesn't take much to mess you up. I am glad you posted this message, I support it. Andrew

[mellie4]

Thanks, Vicki, for a much-needed post.  You always know the right words, when to push, when to hold back.  It's quite a gift you have!!

[spanky595]

        
One addict best understands another.   We no what they are going through.  The pain and suffering of another addict. But life does get better without drugs.

[Ashelen]

Very good points, Vicki...like mellie, I'm not here for "addiction" but rather "dependence"....but if a word from here or there can help someone fighting the good fight, I'm happy to lend what strength I can..and while the mental part of addiction isn't my forte', I can give some good tips on the physical detox. so I swing by here a LOT (also sniffing around for any pregnant ladies who might need my unique brand of help and experience lol)....I posted earlier today doing exactly what you're talking about in this post...looking past ill-thought words and what people might consider "inappropriate" comments to give support to someone who was scared and dealing with a lot of self-recrimination.

It's hard to watch someone get berated when they're in the grips of something they have no idea how to control...so I always try to be supportive and kind...but then, I'm also not the sort of person in danger of relapsing if someone talks too much about getting high...so I have the blessed ability to remain objective. I do understand when members sometimes get short or frustrated, so I try to do what I do on the pregnancy forum in spades by playing peacemaker...and I hope no one is offended or angry at me when I do that..it's just what I do.

I do know that if anyone ever has a problem with the way a new member (or an old member..in some cases...) is speaking or acting, contacting the mods to sort it out can sometimes help....but sometimes they'll just delete a post when the person REALLY needs help...so I would posit that if you CAN ignore something that has upset you, that can be a very good policy. We deal with abortion on the pregnancy forum all the time, and I'm constantly running around biting at people's ankles trying to remind them to be kind, supportive, and objective rather than judgmental or rude..sometimes I feel like a sheepdog...so I understand completely where you're coming from Vicki. we can all take something away from your post <3 with love x 2, lol!

[vicki595]

Hey! Hi!  How long has it been? Three weeks since you've posted anything on the forum? And now you feel it necessary to come on the forum and say that?  That's okay; it illistrated my point.

[Ashelen]

Also, and I hope people actually read this...I want to remind everyone of something that goes back to basic psychology:

An addict simply cannot imagine what it feels like to be, and to think, sober. So they might have absolutely no idea that talking about getting drugs or talking about what their highs feel like might cause someone who's achieved sobriety to relapse or to struggle...

so remember...when you were using, you probably wouldn't think a single thing about talking about your drug of choice..so my guess would be that until you were finally sober and clear, you didn't realize what that kind of speech could do to a recovering addict...

just something to keep in mind next time someone is "fresh" at this :-)

[atthebeach]

(or someone with vast addiction experience as with a family member.) yes that would be me. no i am not an addict. i was very much a recreational user for many years. i am the wife of a recovering addict, my 25 year old is also recovering. my 20 yr old daughter is still experimenting.
i know this thread was starting because of what i wrote on a thread last night, that did get deleted.
many times it is hard to know the tone in which posts are written. i have never belittled,berated,yelled or criticized anyone. my posts are nothing more than supportive and encouraging.
i was looking out for the other addicts or newly recovering addicts on the forum when i stated that she shouldnt say she is h*gh and the language of using shouldnt be used.
there have definitely been others who have been told not to come here when they are h*gh and to stop the usage language by other veteran members.
i know of many members who have told me they dont come here anymore because it is a trigger. so if someone sees I"M H*GH. i scored, i copped that is not cool. i was merely pointing out that fact.
i was then criticized and then someone made a comment about the LORD which was definitely uncalled for and then today jokes about being sinners.
now was that necessary?????    definitely not.
so lets all be sensitive to others about their posts and also about their beliefs.

[Meilena_MHModerator]

Please keep in mind the original topic of the poster and refrain from targeting any discussion towards one member or members directly.

[overeasy]

I really dont think they dont come here because she posted that she had used and was currently under the influence.  They dont come here because it can get depressing and the constant talk about drugs and how to get off is somewhat overwhelming to some that have just gotten clean.  I get it- you know why- because I am a addict.  

We are not supposed to come here if we are not clean?!?  Im sorry but most of us addicts started on this site to figure out a way to get clean and how to start the process.  

[cleaninitup]

It probably could of been worded in a different way then. Every post on here talks about drug use and i guess it just depends on the words they use to discribe it? So if she had said"I am under the influence of marijuana that i bought illegally" it would of been a different outcome. I read everyday people asking if if they are getting from a doc or getting their drugs on the street nd how much they are paying per pill or per day. Its a slippery slope when one person gets told not to say something when many others are doing it. This is an argument that nobody is going to win.

[vicki595]

You're right. The out come would have been very different. But, the thing is, I didn't put this up toward any one thing or person. I intended for it to be general. If I thought it was going to disintigrate to this stage with people getting personal and posts getting deleted, I wouldn't have bothered...

[dominosarah]

We all need to be reminded of where we came from so thank you vicki for this post.  I have to stop and think quite often before i write as i am one of the ones who usually tell it like it is.  I was never coddled or pampered when i came here, i got the truth and no bs!!  I have to remember not everyone is like i am so this is a good reminder for me.  Some feel i am too harsh at times, i may be but it comes from the heart.  I want nothing but success for everyone who starts this journey.    sara

[dominosarah]

Go to the bottom of this page, click on contact us and you can ask them the questions you have listed.  Have a good night~~

[laurel453]

you had a point when she said what she said... maybe you could have given a more  softening explanation of the reasons to say so to counter balance the reaction but on the whole, you were right, imo. I don't mind reading of others about not being clean, not all because this is the goal of the forum: supporting people who are on active addiction and wants to quit but i don't feel like reading about being high is good to me, that's all.....

[vicki595]

It's interesting to me that this is the first time,since you've been a member here, that you and I have ever had a one to one exchange. Here it is:

I honestly have no idea who or what you think is behind this thread. Like you, I can post or start a thread whenever I want to. Yesterday I wanted to.

How is it my fault when someone refers to me as "Sarg" (sergeant) ?  LOL

The last time I started a thread was August 28th. That was 8 days ago and in my world, it isn't a very long time...

Yes, you certainly can go to the Moderators for help and advice and I know they all welcome that!  At the same time, I know you're aware that your particular style of posting is not always acceptable; ergo last night when your posts were deleted.  But, that's really not for me to judge. I can only judge my own actions and if you feel that my posts lack support and compassion you can always send me a message or contact MH. I'm not sure what would help you reconcile your feelings, though. The fact that you don't happen to like me is your own personl issue.

I hope your posts remain here. I really do. You're entitled to your opinion,thoughts,and feelings. Of course, I don't know how helpful they are and they surely don't promote anything that could be construed as having a positive impact on the forum, but again, that's only my opinion.