! AM THE RELAPSE KING AND I'M GOING TO DIE

[Texanaddict]

Yes it's true I am going to die if something doesn't change in the right now. I have been a lurker and infrequent poster since I first quite a 6 year hydro habit of 15 or more a day. On june 28 th I quit C/T and survived a 10 day WD process. I had almost 50 clean days and a "friend shows up and we party" and I am an addict again. I go threw withdrawels, not as bad as first and 2 weeks later I make the call and stock up my stash for future use and it's gone in 10 days and I am an addict again. Well to make a long story short I have relapsed 4 times and went threw WD 4 times inthe last 5 month's. What is it that my brain can't register what the outcome will be. Someone said every WD get's worst and I am on day 5 and still feel like ****. Yes it was horrible this time. I wrote a journal to read and in the middle of full blown WD's I have been to 2 NA meetings. I asked an older man with a lot of clean time to please be my sponser and he said he would love to if I did one thing and that was to call him everyday. I think what got to me was the first quit I had never used anything but lortabs and I was introduced to Oxy snorting and could not stop. I have many friends on here and know so much knowledge about drug addiction but can't seem to follow my own footsteps so I don't post to questions when I have answers because I may be using again and that would be hypocritical. All I ask is for your prayers and support as I make relapse #4 the very last one. Plus any suggestions on how to move on with life when you have no energy. I am trying to see a new Dr and want an AD and want on my chart NO NARCOTICS unless absolutley necessary. Thanks to all in medhelp because when I pray I not only pray for myself but for all the millions of people out there battling this addiction and ask God to help all to get off these vile drugs. Sorry for the length but emotions are pouring out of me as I pray and cry. I will be homeless and living in a box under a bridge if I can't stop these binges. HELP to anyone so this time sticks. Love to all   Tex      

[baj42]

Been there many times myself.  Im there again as a matter of fact.  I just made a post (Big question about suboxone).  You Might want to read it...your not alone!!!

[Brokenbutglued]

I could feel the desperation in your words and I wish I had the answer for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this sweety. As long as you haven't given up the fight you haven't lost...tomorrow is another day to show those darn drugs just who the boss really is! You seem like such a good person with well..with a heart as big as Texas! My heart goes out to you and my prayers are being sent!

[hanginin]

I'm so sorry about your problems and boy can I understand. Its simply overwhelming how it can control you. I have a suggestion and maybe it will help if you can get Physician to help you. There is a drug called Revia that is used for alcoholics but it will also keep opiates such as lortab or oxycontin from having any effect for 3 days. Make sure you are severall days clean before you take it or it will throw you into immediate withdrawal. If everytime you get a craving or get weak take one and you will have 3 days to reconsider. After 20-30 tablets you may be clean for good. Thanks

[Texanaddict]

Nick you have been such a friend in my battles that I will never forget you but I try to put on a happy face when sometimes I feel all is lost. It's so hard to look in your mate's eyes and know once again you have let her down. 4 fn times but she still helps in every way I ask. She doesn't understand addiction and I wish I could get her to read some of these forums so she might better understand.
Inaka I do feel like the boy who cried wolf and understanding and support is weaning. I am sick of myself indulges as well. I want this merry go round to stop and I want to get off. You know in Texas we have a saying if you fall of your horse just climb back on and keep going
To Mom your boy must accept the fact he is an addict as that is the first step and even knowing that some people can't quit. If he were to have an intervention maybe you could get him into a detox center for a couple of weeks. Do you have insurance? I pray not only for myself but for people like your son. It would just kill me if one of my boys started using drugs. The hurt you feel is enormous but you can't talk to him or he blows off. I will pray for you and your son.
lesa I started walking after the first 3 days and am taking all the vitamins recommended.
I have done this 4 times in the last 5 months. I will survive. What scares me is why I keep going back knowing what will happen. AFTERCARE. I am going to another NA meeting tonight to get 90 in 90 days. Never done that. Once I feel normal again then my brain says you can use just a little. ha ha. Thanks for the advice on wd's but I kind of figured it out after 4 times. Thank you all for your support and I'll be praying for everyone on this forum as it keeps me going some days when I think all is well now and it isn't all well yet.  God bless everyone struggling with this awful addiction.  Tex

[mama23babies]

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I don't know why you keep relapsing but I do know from talking to you that you are strong enough to beat this. Please just don't give up. If I can keep going through this he!! with 3 kids struggling with the anxiety and depression so can you. I will pray that you beat this demon this time. Hang in there. It does get better. I still struggle 121 days later but it is much better than in the beginning. Just stay strong and try to overcome the cravings when they hit. That was the hardest for me. Message me anytime. I miss chatting with you. Don't give up on yourself and remember that nobody on here has given up on you either.

[Inaka]

My goodness my heart crumpled while reading your post. I feel the same and I havent been doing this that long (4 yrs) and it is H for me rather than pills. But I feel like I have been making promises to myself (and to my family and friends) so many times before it has become a Calling Wolf Cry soundtrak to my life. I just quit methdone and H 2 weeks ago COLD TURKEY on my own at home, and I used y-sterday. I felt so ashamed! So horryfied. This was my last attempt, I was so sure I would be clean. I was so sick of being sick and everyone was so proud and basicly treating me like a princess because I beat addiction. (this gloryfying of addicts has always made me feel uncomfortable, I got myself into this, others dont do it, others are strong, they do not succumb to numbness this easily, so why should you be proud of me? you know? )Everyone is telling me to treat this as a bump in the rd and they want me to go on suboxine to stop the cravings and possible relapse but I dont want to be on any opiates so I am refusing. The relapse ysterday will not re-addict me but it has set forth the wheels and I am deadly afraid to be alone. It will end for us some day, I think you have had enough, I think your breaking point has been reched, i think you hit your butt to the bottom and from here it is only up up up. Even if you are planning one more relapse, it is something. You're sick of it. I am sick of myself. I have to ZERO that day tracker on this site. This will hurt...

[ImGettingClean]

Hey Tex...glad to see you back and not giving up...you know my story...i've tried to quit for a loooooooooong time...I believe in NA/Aftercare, support, vitamins, exercise, but the one thing that has really helped me stay clean for a month now is I wanted to be clean more than anything in the world...I see a therapist, pain comes and goes, take vit's, exercise...but my desire and fight to "stay clean" is what i believe has helped me come this far...am i outta the woods? nope...maybe never will be...but i am feeling "normal" or what i percieve to be normal...

It sounds like you really want it...if you really want it bad enough, you will make it through...I remember reading some of your PMs and you seemed to be doing better and better as the days went on...

Hang in there bud...as always, i'll be here if you need anything...

Nick

[10356]

I will also say a prayer for it being the last time.. and you are right one day at a time. I did not use anything but healthy food and a heck of a lot of water and walking everyday.. very beneficial. You know you are not far from the truth that the alternative to our addiction is death.. I'm so glad you have not given up !! and Hey why not make AA a family affair. it never hurts to try at least when it is something Healthy :) Glad you are here and Thank you for sharing as you help others as you are receiving support.. a win win :))

[momloves54]

Im so sorry you are battling this demon of addiction it is a hard thing as i read your post for a minute I thought my son was writing !!!! My son has same problem everything sounds just like him except he has damaged his pancreas , liver , kidneys, and heart from the same little pills that destroy lives !!! and will kill you !! He is still battling the addiction I just wish I could make all the hurt and w/d go away from all addicts but I can't so I pray and pray for all of you ! my heart goes out to all of you here that are battling addiction Ive seen my son and i know it is a hard thing to beat! You have done the right thing a sponsor is a good thing and going to meetings that show you really want to try my son will not get a sponsor or go to meetings Im proud of you for taking that step and this is a great forum people who understand and care and that will pray for you!!! I pray this is your time to over come!!!!!! 1 minute 1day 1week 1month etc...... what ever the time is that your clean just thank God !!!  

[Texanaddict]

Thanks so much for your support. I have read the amino for energy but am an impatient person and in this it is steady as she goes. You know why they say "one day at a time".
I think another relapse and a 5th WD will just about kill me. My family doesn't understand and only one brother I have confessed to. My parents are alcoholics so how do you say lets all go to an AA meeting. I guess addiction could be heriditary. Myex wife wouldn't take an asperin unless blood or bone were spurting through the skin. She never understood. I am vowing to make this the last time I have to go through wd's.
God bless yall   Tex

[Holliee]

Sorry your struggling but also seems like your trying really hard to get clean. I also understand about not posting part as I felt same way when I first found this site. I wish you the best luck and lots support if you ever need talk etc..feel free message me.

[10356]

So sorry to read you are struggling.. you know we are never out as long as we never give up trying to quit.. one try leads to sobriety eventually this has been true for myself.. my prayers are with you.. You are heading in the right direction with meetings telling your Dr. maybe check out the amoi recipe for energy.. being honest with your friends maybe a good way to go maybe they can Help you Help yourself ?? It sounds like you have known many a long time as I have read your other post. You never know till you try.. anyway congrats on getting up and trying again.. You can do this and make it stick !! lesa