first time around my family sober

[KirstenHere]

Last night was the first time in 6 years that I spent the evening with my family completely sober. I was scared to death, but you know, it wasn't too bad. I was wd a little, so wasn't feeling my best, but I made it out alive. I think we believe that we are just going to die at times, at least that's what I thought. But its really ok! You might fell close to death, but you won't die.
I'm on day 5. I went to my first meeting last night (before the family time) and I loved it! You know, I dont really feel that bad right now. in fact, I actually see the sun today and heard the birds singing. The last time I quit I still couldn't do anything for 12 days, so I find this a blessing. For the first time in 6 years...I can actually see somewhat of a future without drugs.

[donewitis]

I'm so glad to read how well you are doing..congratulations! You got some great advice and getting to meetings..that is so encouraging.

[KirstenHere]

Thank you so much! its unbelievable how much words of encouragement can lift you up, if only for a moment. I'm so glad I have all of you on here to talk to...you're right, no one understands an addict like an addict. You know, for the first time since I can remember, I'm actually excited about something other than snorting a pill up my nose. I'm super exited, and anxious, to go to a meeting tonight. Wow, never dreamed I'd say that, lol. I'm also not ignorant to the fact that I have a LONG way to go. I think, not sure yet, that once we start feeling good, or at least decent, we believe we're all good, ave. in reality, we're still an addict and have to work at keeping clean everyday and that is something I didn't know when I tried to quit a thousand times before.
When we are children and learning to ride a bike, we fall and fall, until one day we just get it...and as the old saying goes "its just like riding a bike"

[Free_ovitall]

Thats great kirsten! There's nothing better than facing one of your triggers and getting past it to build up your confidence and self esteem. :)

Good thing it wasn't my family though, they can drive a priest to drinking and shooting drugs...

[snakejones]

Hi there---Your post brought tears to my eyes. What an accomplishment! Right now, don't worry about anything other than yourself. Keep all damaging emotions like shame at bay, and concentrate on love---that's enough. You don't need any stress other than staying sober and getting stronger. You'll re-forge your relationships later over time.God gives you one mind and two little hands to do a day's work, just keep your priorities straight for each day. It'll all come together!

[Innerstrength67]

That's great thinking Kristen. In NA they told me the same thing. All I have to do right now is stay clean and go to meetings. There is so much power in one addict helping another. Only addicts know what it feels like to live in drug hell. Just one day at a time. That's all we have. It's a very shameful thing we have done to ourselves and the ones we love. But that's what addiction does. It controls our lives. I believe being brutally honest is a huge step in fighting this. Addiction thrives on lies, secrets and self loathing. It's looses it's grip when we are honest.
I'm sooooo proud of you. It's not east but it's doable and everyone here knows how you feel and wants you to succeed.
Your doing great!

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 5 days clean!!  That is a great accomplishment.  Just stay in the day and take it one day at a time.  Hold your clean time sacred and do whatever it takes to stay that way.  Always keep your guard up!  Coming clean to our family is hard to do and when the time is right you will tell them.  As the saying goes, our secrets keep us sick.  Recovery is a slow process but oh so worth it.  Make a list of all the things you are grateful for, the list will be endless~~~sara

[KirstenHere]

Thanks you two!
I'm sorry to hear about your ex. My ex was an alcoholic and died 5 years ago at age 39. my son was 14 at the time and his world was shattered. I keep thinking that if I dont kick this addiction now, he'll be standing by my casket soon. I know, without a doubt, drugs WILL kill me. So in reality...its now a matter of picking life or death, its my choice. I'm thinking, today, I'm want to live.

[mellie4]

Definitely your sobriety is what you need to focus on.  I think a lot of times (just from my experience with addiction in my family) people start off strong with the aftercare, whether it's AA/NA or counseling.  But when people become complacent and life sort of gets in the way, they scale back on their meetings.  That's what happened with my ex-husband.  Even though I always encouraged him to keep up with his meetings, he got too complacent.  My uncle is now 83.  He's been sober over 50 years.  He still goes to meetings every week.

Shame is a terrible burden.  I hope that with your aftercare you'll learn how to let it go.  It doesn't do anyone any good.  Everything else will come in time.  Lots of times people do get very hurt by someone else's addiction.  Relationships need to be repaired and re-established.  But all that comes in time.  Your sobriety will always need to be Number One in your life.  You have to take care of you or you'll be no good to anyone else, including you.

I will always be sad that my ex-husband lost his sobriety.  It's been nearly 12 years now and he's worse than ever (no surprise since addiction is a progressive disease.)  He has burnt every bridge.  I think if he were to get sober again he could repair things with most people.  But the time he's lost with his kids he'll never get back.  (Though through a lot of counseling and tears, all 4 of my kids accept him for how he is.  They know that he loves them but that due to his illness they can't count on him.  The hurt is still there but I think the resentments are gone.)

It sounds like you are in the right place mentally, and I wish you the best in your recovery.  You'll know when is the right time to share things with your family.  As long as you keep your sobriety number one on your priority list, you'll do fine.

[KirstenHere]

Mellie, thanks! My family doesn't know that I'm an addict yet, that is the one thing I'm scared to death to do. And I've done sooo much wrong to them, things they haven't a clue about. The shame is torture! I'm trying not to think too much about that part right now, cause I know it will interfere with my sobriety. A guy at that meeting last night told me that the only job I have right now is staying clean, that's it! Everything else will come in time and the sooner I realize that, the better I'll be.

[Innerstrength67]

That is so awesome to hear!!! Congratulations on day 5. I also find meetings extremely helpful. After the WD, the mind games usually kick in. So take it one day at a time, keep going to meetings, posting and know that you deserve to have a real authentic life!
Big hugzzz!

[mellie4]

Congratulations!!!  What a great post to read.  Things may feel different being around family and friends sober.  It can change the dynamic of relationships.  It took a while for my ex-husband's family to relate to him when he got sober.  They were so used to dealing with him using for so many years.  It took everyone a while to trust him and see him as someone responsible and capable.  And there were people who couldn't understand his sobriety and would constantly offer him things.  But with the help of AA, he stayed sober for nearly 5 years.  It was when he stopped working the program that he eventually picked up again.

Sounds like you're doing everything right.  I'm glad you seem to be over the worst of the withdrawals.