27 days do not like me straight

[wendy111]

the last four days I so wanted to use and get something it dictated my day and it is doing it again today. all four days I was useless until five or six at night,  this being straight has consumed the past 27 days and it is not going way. being home and unemployed makes it harder. .
I never planned on quiting it just happened and it was the first time I ever said I was addicted an addict just gonna to wait a day to get more. looking back there has not been this many days straight that I have not used drugs since I was fifteen and now i am 55.  not addicted all those years but there were many more years using daily then just on weekends.
I thought it would get better last night I fell asleep at eight and got up 12. These urges are controlling me. I know my trigger is stress and to not be able to change what ohters have done or fix what has been done and what is going on now.

made a point of not getting into the car to get anything or even go to the store once in the car I would keep going.  And pick up my percs they are waiting for me still.
.
True there are  negatives that I now realized that are associated with drug use. trying to figure how to get more, taking from relatives that will never notice never really seeing or feeling difficult situations in my life keeping count so they will last and so often not able to ration .  Feeling I deserve this good feeling even though a three hour high only started to last one and knew it was time to back down and up it agian.
I have looked for NA meetings but there are few around here and those are so far away
  

Glad I found this site and help from others.  I see a therapist and he is a great help but he has so tried hard for me to attend meetings or even find a drug counslor. Wants me to try suboxine but I would go back to percocetts, oxy before that one is legal and helpful for some but  are harder to stop and I will be back here eventually again but on day 1.

I do not like me straight. so much need to get done.
wasn't going to post cause there are so many similar post to this and I still do not feel good being straight and so many answer make sense.  so many messages from fhose here that make sense but still want to use

[gnarly_1]

HI  well I read your post and just wanted to encourage you to push forward when this thing is all said and done it will be so so worth it....for some after a couple of weeks everything seams fine for others like me I struggled and struggled to break the grip methadone had on me....I dident get any ''pink cloud''' effect it was going to be a grind one where I dident feel right for a long time....I was sick for the first month the second one I layed in limbo not getting better or worst it was finely around 90 days that I started to come out of it
keep in mind I broke 10yrs of pills and then 6 1/2yrs on the methadone so it was a hard habit to break ...what im trying to say is dont give up 5min b/4 the mirical keep pushing past the discomfort once you get past being sick and a lot of that has to do with how long you used and also you age the 20somethings come back around b/4 the 40s and 50s do..I detoxed at 47 and I made it....you need to become pro active in your recovery
if the drugs where across town we would drive there to get them...the same goes for your recovery you have to make the effort to get well....a lot of this is all about attitude its ez to get discouraged you got to fight that off...keep a positive attitude once you go to a meeting you will look forward to going to another even if there a drive right now you have nothing better to do...also getting the right vitamins and minerals is important..I have been drinking whey protein shakes...2 a day there loaded with vitamins amino acids as well as the protein all of witch the brain needs to heal it cheep 15 bucks for a 2lb can up at walmart the chocolate flavore is good and all you do is mix it with milk...this will give your brain what it needs to heal...you have to fight this thing on all the different fronts
collectively they make up my recovery...today is 340 clean for me life is a beautiful place once again it was a fight to get here but it was so so worth the effort keep fighting the prize is yours for the taking but its going to take some work to get to it you wont regret your effort good luck and God bless......Gnarly      

[Lindsay_T]

Wendy,
You are doing great and you are right where you need to be... learning that your cravings for the pills are the voice of your addiction trying to keep itself alive. Kill it! You have some good time clean. Add one more day. I really struggled with cravings in the 20s, 30s and 40s. Then, for me, when I hit 50 days, it got easier. Plus, like what you went through today, I did a few things straight that i didn't know i could do!
Stay the course. The rest of your life will not be as hard as it is now. hugs, Lindsay

[Punkinhead75]

Being on the edge is not fun.  I've heard so many people say "until you learn to swim get in the middle of the boat."  Surrounding ourselves with those who have gotten clean before us is the easier softer way.  Afraid to drive alone,  call a friend, ask a neighbor, call a cab.  Get to a mtg. raise your hand and say I need help.  There will probably be some folks that understand and are willing to help.  If I never did any of the stuff that was suggested to me I probably would have been drunk yesterday.  Being honest with family and friends is a big part of it.  Many times they are the one who have enabled us the most.  We make decisions for other people that we have no right to make.  Our sobriety has to come first.  We can't always worry about what other people will say or think.  If you tell her the truth she may be one of your best supporters.  This gives you one more person to turn to when you need help.   We like to put up roadblocks on our path of recovery.  It's too far, it's too late, I'm too tired, I don't have the energy. I don't feel like it.  These are all B.S. and will keep us from getting better.  You have been doing great,  Please don't give up now.  Keep coming and keep sharing.

[laurel453]

That's right, Wendy.... if we feed our minds with whatever type of thoughts... they get into a sort of hard disk and keep coming back cause your mind keep " asking " for the same type of thoughts and they become automatic thoughts.... this is the reason i always say to feed our minds with positive thoughts and make rational thinking when we are facing fears inside us. This is how i came to control my anxiety ... we have to be strict  when suffering with our way of thinking and keep working on our thoughts whenever they keep coming back.... Don't feed the cravings in this case, don't let your mind start racing with these type of toughts :)

[wendy111]

thank you for the help and others out there
This week is harder than WD.
it isn't even a refill a family member gets drugs for me from her doctor she does not use them.  this makes it even worse. One reason I quit was so she would never know what I have become.  
Another reason to stop.
it is only me that can make it through this and the best thing I can do is not get in the car by myself and get drugs. If i make it till 3 it will be too late to go.
I just hope this will get better.  doing some research for a friend and being high was once the only way to do something I do not want to do like this well struggling through it cause I have no choice i made a promise to get this done a few weeks ago!
doing stuff and pushing my self but it does not feel good and do not know if it ever will.
I got to start thinking more positive cause so often what you think is what you feel.

[dominosarah]

Until you really admit you are powerless over this nothing will change.  You have a refill waiting that is calling your name.  That should of been canceled.  You said you dont like yourself straight as you have so much to get done.  I dont recall a script saying to take if you have things to get done.  You are making so many excuses here girl.  You are 27 days clean and that is great!!  I can guarantee you you will like yourself alot less if you pick up.  Active addiction is a dead end road, literally.  You are worth fighting for......sara

[IBKleen]

Relapse begins before we pick up a drug and listening to you I see you are right on the edge. I am scared for you. I know I have another run in me, I just don't know if I have another recovery so I fight for what little clean time I have.

Please don't think I am being rude--that is not at all my intension but saying that meetings are far away is an excuse. I bet you don't even know you are using an excuse. That is how sneaky this disease is. You see, if you were in Kansas and the drugs were in California, you (you meaning us addicts) would run people over at the airport to get a flight. But when a meeting is a half hour away we say it is too far.

Like Mik said, go to AA, CA, DA or any A. the message is the same.

I am glad that you came here to talk about it but it is going to take more than that.

I hope that you get through this.....

[mikchez]

Hello
I am an addict I read your post and I relate. I would go to any meeting I could find in the early days AA,NA,HA,CA, I even found my self in a overeater's meeting and I need to go back to that one now. I listen for recovery and make friends in those rooms and get phone numbers. Call the help lines in your area they can get you  rides or someone to talk to. I was unemployed and going through WD for my first 90 days I hit over 180 meetings 2 to 3 a day. I used those meeting as my rehab treatment since I don't have insurance after a couple relapses I got a sponsor and did the steps lots of writing  getting free of my past. I'm not out of the woods I never will be Its just one day at a time. Those days add up if I just don't use today. Your post has helped me stay clean today. Thank you  Peace/Love  

[chico1969]

Hi There,

I am feeling the same way as you are - so just know that you are not alone.  However, I DO have to work and keep thinking that "just one pill" to make me feel better and have a bit of energy to get things done would be so much easier!  But, after ready replies from many wise members I have been convinced that that would be a HUGE mistake.  

Look, you've come SO far - almost one whole month clean!!!  That deserves an applaus like no other because we all know just how difficult that is to do.  Just try to focus on other things and keep your mind occupied - go out for walks, watch movies or TV WHATEVER it takes!!!  I will try to heed my own words too - much easier to GIVE advice than to take it!!