few questions on recovering from meth

[pancoast]

ive tried a few times but keep relapsing. i know the triggers that get me back on it. but i still do them. like drinking alcohol i cant. and after one i go buy. i dont want to quit drinking and know i should..... i get realy obsessed with playing my guitar and when im off of it i lose complete interest in my guitar. i dont even pick it up . should i give away the guitar ? i feel thats what keeps me going back. i prefer not to . every time i say ill play after i quit. then i dont. and back to the cycle to get interested again. stupid no?

[CATUF]

As they say in NA: "Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse . . . .  many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover."

I had quit drinking well before I became addicted to drugs, so I didn't have the alcohol-caused-relapse issue.  But I did have relapse after relapse after relapse . . . too many to count.  Each time the grip of addiction grew tighter and my ability to fight it dwindled, but I kept really TRYING.

I kept failing, so it seemed obvious to me that I wasn't trying HARD ENOUGH or perhaps I hadn't been SINCERE ENOUGH when I said "I QUIT."  So I'd vow to try HARDER.  I would get MAD at myself, bring forth SINCERITY from depths beyond anything I had previously imagined, and commence NEVER using again.

But I relapsed.  I'd stay clean a week or two or (once) even eight, but then I would "find" myself back at it and stuck worse than before.  "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"  I can remember asking myself that question so many times.  "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? OH MY GOD.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, AGAIN?"

So I would vow to try EVEN HARDER.  I'd get FURIOUS at my (worthless) self and find MORE SINCERITY at even greater depths, and begin to NEVER EVER use again.

But I'd relapse.  I'd relapse.  I always relapsed.  I always relapsed and it always got worse.  But I knew what to do . . . everyone knows . . . "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" . . . ."if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" . . . I had to keep trying, because "winners never quit and quitters never win" . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What I needed to know was something Albert Einstein said: "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  That is exactly what I was doing. I just kept doing the same things over and over, hoping desperately for different results.  I'd vow to quit and think that should do the trick, then I'd use thinking "I won't let it get out of control this time."  

But it all kept turning out the same way.  It all kept turning out the same way and my life was going down the drain.  Everything I cared about what going doing the drain.

My last relapse came less than two days after a 28 day stay at my first treatment center.  I had improved greatly over that time, but I still believed that I DESERVED to use just more time. It seemed like reasonable idea.  The wheels had fallen off my wagon so suddenly that I really didn't get to quit in what I considered to be a proper manner.  It seemed important that I have not just a LAST TIME, but a LAST TIME that I KNEW at the time was my LAST TIME . . . a proper (full of feeling and deep thought) goodbye to my D.O.C. as I moved forward with my clean life leaving it 100% behind.

Fully planning to use "just this once," I did have a momentary scare as I recalled what I had heard rehab staff last warn just a two days before: "whatever you do, don't drink or use (at all and no matter what) or you will reactivate your addiction."  For a second I was terrified - "what if they're right?"  I absolutely did NOT want to reactivate my addiction . . . I didn't want to be out of control and a slave to drugs, I just wanted to say goodbye.  

But the fear evaporated as the ANSWER popped into my head: "I just won't let that happen."  And away I went.

And went, and went, and went, non-stop until I pretty much lost everything and literally almost died, before I went to my second (and currently last) rehab, where I stayed for four months.

This time it was finally different.  It was different because I became honest, open and willing.  For me, that was a necessary change, because I had been resistant to authority my whole life.  But the change was NOT a noble thing, nor even a smart or willing decision . . . I was simply too beaten up from running the gauntlet of late-stage active addiction to resist any more.  I was too tired to fight about it.  My life was over.  I was hopeless and helpless.  I was emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt and I was just too tired to do any of it any more.

I was exactly where I needed to be to finally begin recovery.  Once I quit fighting (everyone and everything), I started to get better.  I thought that the fight was necessary to my survival, but it turned out to be the thing that was dragging me to my death.

I know many people who, like me, were only able to surrender by being beaten into submission.  But there's no requirement that we ride the elevator all the way to the bottom -- we can get off and take the steps to recovery any time we want.

If there's one thing I know about my alcoholism and drug addiction it's this: not-drinking and not-using is not recovery.  If my recovery program stops at stopping, then it won't be long before I'm not-stopped.  In order to find, and stay in, sustained recovery, I had to be in (and actively work) an established program of recovery.

CATUF
3288

[ActingBrandNew]

Well....you recognize alcohol is a problem too so you need to not drink anymore. Most addicts cant drink after they get clean because it leads to relapse. In terms of your guitar...you just have to give it more time. Most things we used to find enjoyable aren't in the beginning of recovery. That's because of the physiological changes that happened because of using. This will heal over time...you just got to give yourself a chance to heal.

Aftercare is very important. Getting involved in some sort of support program. There are a lot of different type groups out there that are available. The important thing is to find what works best for you.

Hang in there.

[Merri123]

While detoxing drinking alcohol is not good anyways. If your guitar is a trigger why don't you just put it away right now. In a while when you are clean you can take it back out and see about playing it. Wait for that idea or urge.

Now you won't get clean till you get rid of your sources. Delete every phone number and text message. Get rid if using friends.

And start going to AA or NA meetings. Everyday. Couple times a day. Whenever you get an urge. You can do this. But you have to be strong and really want to quit.

[pancoast]

i want it to be like before where i could play it for hours without using. i was thinking maybe going to the beach to play but like all plans i make . i never end up doing it. my english is bad by the way .