A lost soul

[LMB01]

I am addict of vicodin. I am on day 3 of WDs. This is nothing new to me. 4 years ago I went into the hopsital for a medical derox. And of course I didn't take care of my disease and only managed to have a couple years clean. So here the fight starts again. The WD are horrible and I would give anything to feel "normal" but we all know that doesn't come easy. I'm meeting with a life coach in a hour who is an addict in recovery. I am truly hoping he can provide me some hope that I need at this lonely time. I cannot stand the demons in my head. The heart pounding out of my chest and the legs kicking. 72 hrs of WDs and I seem to be peaking. So praying the worst is over. I am sorry if I am posting in the wrong spot. I am new to this forum and just reaching out for a little help.

[LMB01]

I started meeting with a life coach and he is strongly encouraging me to go to a 28 day program. I'm staying open to the idea but not certain how I feel about it. It is not clinical based but rather spiritual. Can I ask if any of you went into a program and how it was for you. Just for today my plan is to hit up meetings, 30 in 30 work with my life coach-who is a recovering addict and a psych dr that specializes in addition. My addiction disease flares when I am depressed. So moving forward I know I need to deal with my depression.    

[Cris718]

I am so happy for you....and proud....

one day at time sweetie.....one day at a time...;)

You've got all of us to lean on.....great forum here...!!

Cris~

[LMB01]

Yes, 4 years ago I went into inpatient detox and out patient after care. I wasn't doing it for myself that time...I was doing it for the courts, so it looked better when I went to my court date. I managed to stay clean 21 days. On day 22 I woke up and thought to myself WTF am I doing? I am a worth while person and deserve to be loved and respected. So I got myself out of bed, on day 1 of WDs and went to my very first NA meeting. I stayed clean for over 2 years. I only practiced recovery the first year, the second year I was just hanging on, not using, but not in the rooms of NA/AA. I had surgery and there went my clean time. I was right back using. I have endometriosis and have 4 surgeries. I love how in the NA book it says "we are allergic to drugs" because that is so true. I am addicted and allergic to vicodin. I cannot have it near me or I will take it. Hence the reason for no taper! ;)
I would have taken them all. Besides, I got myself into this mess, I will get myself out of it.

I am off to another meeting. It beats sitting at home with the demons in my head.,,,

[shiningstar500]

Oh no, sounds like I won't have good sleep for a long time!!!! Yes, this is the first time I have decided to quit. I have had withdrawls though but only because I was waiting on the pills to arrive. Were you addicted to pain killers 4 years ago? I already watered down my remaining pills so I dont have to remember my "old friend". I just keep telling myself it has to be better tomorrow!!!

[LMB01]

Sleep?! What's that?! Last time around it took about 5 months to have a "normal" night sleep. I think you are a strong person to taper, as the NA book says and for me is so true.."1 is too many and 1000 is never enough" There is NO way I could have tampered. If I had them, I would take them. Oh the joys of being addicted. Is this your first time going through this?

[shiningstar500]

My withdrawls have been pretty good. The only withdrawls I have had are night sweats and the not sleeping very much. Oh the restless leg too. I admire your strength, I did the taper method because I knew I couldn't do cold turkey. Its amazing what we can do with our strength that gets us through. I just keep reminding myself what it is like to not have to worry about pills and that is the best feeling. Are you sleeping at night?

[LMB01]

Shinningstar, it looks like we on the same page with this battle. I just looked at your profile. 2 days? How are your withdrawals? Mine suck and I am trying to fight through them. The one thing keeping me going is the knowing the feeling I once had when I had some clean time. How enjoyeable life was at that point and the desire to want that back. I hurt so bad inside. Of course I am having the outside pains of WD's, but mine goes more inside, emotionally. Feeling like a failure, letting everyone down, including myself, guilt, shame etc. I am just fighting to survive at this point but thankfully I know what it feels like to be happy and I am fighting to have that back!

[shiningstar500]

Your attitude is wonderful and so happy to hear! Take it one day at a time and you will succeed!!! Also, until you have been an addict you will not understand it. My family will never understand it either! This forum is wonderful and so happy to have it!

[LMB01]

Thank you ever for the support. It truly means a lot. Especially coming from a family that does NOT have a history of addiction. It can feel SO lonely. Although they are as supportive as they can possibly be without having the disease themselves.

Yes, I did get phone numbers. And even more, there were people at the meeting that were there 3 years ago when I went! So cool. I honestly felt a "HOME" for the first time in about a year.

I really don't think I need any OTC products anymore. The worst of the WDs seem to have passed. I just got out of the bath, second one of the day. Oh! And I had a shower earlier...wow, I guess I am one clean lady today! I am taking a vit, driking water and using advil. Ice packs, I can't use heating pads yet, I am still fighting the hot flases.

The meeting with the life coach was great. It I have the strength to make it to another meeting tonight I will. Once I get into the meetings it becomes my new addiction. Think I can do 90 meetings in 90 days?! Maybe I will shoot for 30 in 30. Baby steps at this point. Such a LONG battle ahead of me.

[shiningstar500]

Good luck to you and it will start to get easier soon!! There are otc products that can help!

[Jebs317]

You are certainly not alone.  I have a similar story.  Hospital detox......stayed clean for a very short time and then back.  You sound like I felt.........just "DONE" with it all.  The vicious cycle of getting pills.......finding pills.......worrying about running out of pills......happy when you have them......scared when you don't.  You know from NA and being clean for 2 years that being clean is a much better way of life......but we are pulled back in.  I think your Life Coach is a great idea.  Having someone say "I know what you are going through" will help you.  
Keep posting here and you will find some incredible people.
Glad you are on your way!
Kristen

[IBKleen]

Congrats! You managed to get to a meeting at 72 hours--good deal. Did you get phone numbers and a meeting schedule?

[LMB01]

I don't mind you asking at all. I am here to be honest. I had surgery and was given pain pills, needless to say it released the addiction into FULL FORCE. I was very honest with my addiction to my dr's and family and yet I couldn't control it. I feel SO weak and have the guilt and shame feelings. I just got back from an NA meeting. It was great to be "back home!" I forgot how amazing the rooms of NA/AA are.

[Cris718]

I'm glad you're trying to quit again.  It scares me to think that after two years clean you started them again.......if you don't mind me asking....why did you go back??

Cris~

[dominosarah]

Welcome to our forum.  I am glad you found us.  You wont be alone here as we know what you are going thru.  I wont go into the wd's as you said this isnt the first time so you know what to expect.  Please make sure you keep going to your life coach.  Using is just a symptom of our addiction.   We need to calm those demons in our head and by talking to someone and dealing with our emotional pain is the only way.  It's not always easy but it is so worth it in the end.  Keep posting and letting us know how you are~~~sara

[tryntogetwell]

I just want you to know you are not alone. There are so many great people that go through the same thing that you are right now. Stick to this forum and you will get alot of suport and inspiration. Go the top right hand side of this page to he health pages. You will find the thomas recipie. It has worked for many people to help with withdrawls. And keep posting your progress. You can do this,just stick with it!