Addicted and nobody knows..................

[keepingthefaith82]

I am 28 years old, a mother and wife. A full time employee and full time student. I do have health problems and have had them my entire life and was never an alcohol or drug user even in school. It all started about 3 1/2 years ago when I became pregnant with my second child. I was suffering from severe lower back and left leg pain and at times my leg would go numb and I also had to have an emergency surgery while I was 7 months pregnant or I would have lost my son. So they wanted to give me vicodin for the pain and I said no (thank god) and they put me on tylenol 3s. Well deliver day came, I was a planned c-section and the guy giving me my spinal hit a nerve causing my leg to go crazy. Needless to say I have permanent nerve damange. Ok no biggie, just kept taking the tylenol 3s. Well soon they were no loner working. I was suffering form joint pain so bad, I was so sick to my stomach and suffering from severe exhaustion and they could not figure out what was going on for over 2 years so they just kept giving me pain meds, from tylenol 3, to darvocets, to norco now vicoprofen. Well they did find out that I have chronic parvovirus, lyme disease and lupus. Now mind you, I am not certain about any of those and honestly, doctors are wrong alot, but I do have rheumatoid arthritis. So none the less, vicoprofen it is. I am taking 8 pills a day (60mg total) of hydrocodone and nobody knows. I need these to function. I do not know if the pain I begin to feel in my wrists is arthritis or just my mind saying "take another one". I cannot live like this any longer. Nobody would ever know! I am an honor student in college, employee of the year, the typical mother who does more than necessary for their kids and I do it all with a smile on my face. It has now been 16+ hours without a pill and I am really cold, my fingers and wrists hurt really bad and my anxiety is the biggest problem. I have gone 3 days about 2 months ago without any pain meds but when the pain was only in my wrists and ankles I realized it was actually my arthritis and I gave back in. I know there are people with worse addictions but I am ready to quit. I am ready to figure out who I really am and I was taking those mainly for anxiety to be honest with you. I have ADHD and bipolar runs in my family and I am scared to address the possiblity that I might have bipoloar but it has to be better than self medicating which all that I am doing. Next step, telling my husband. That is more scary to me than the withdrawl symptoms. I know I can do this, the question is, am I ready!?! I feel like a failure, a fake, a fool, a bad mother, worse wife, poor excuse of a daughter and sister. Will those feelings ever go away like the withdrwal symptoms will?!?

[keepingthefaith82]

Also, i can actually finally say "i am so ready to have another baby" and when i do get pregnant, i will know that i will be giving it a perfect environment. When i was addicted, i thought that i had ruined a future with more kids, but now i have made the positive changes in my life and maintained them, and maybe another baby will be in my future ..... The best gift ever!!! Chronic pain does not have to be treated woth narcotics, by increasing the endorphins in ones body, you create a natural pain killer and feel good hormone and that also helped when i went through withdrawals as well. Make love .... Not war .... Wink wink ... Get it!

[keepingthefaith82]

100%!!! I am here. You know, there should never be shame associated with admitting we have or had an addiction, the shame should only come if we say we "like" or "enjoy" being an addict. It takes courage to admitt it and reach out for help. God does not care who we were, he cares who we are and it is situations like addiction that one overcomes that shapes them into the amazing people they now are. I tell you, amazing people who have the most love in their heart, forgiveness and understanding are often individuals that have lived and beaten some sort of addiction. It has humbled me and made me a better person for having gone through it. If sharing our sufferings and triumphs to kick the habit can save just one life, it us worth it.

[vicki595]

I'm sorry you lost your brother. That's so tragic...

You sound like a new person though and I'm so proud of you!  Folks need to know that this is possible and I'm very glad you checked in. Please stick around. You could be a huge help!!

[littlebit667]

wow, you did awesome!  so sorry about your brother......addiction kills and we often forget that.  Keep up the good work.  Maybe you could hang out here and help others.  We all need your story and expertise.

[IwillDoThis]

Wow thanks for updating your story - really inspiring.  Just goes to show that those of us in chronic pain do have hope!!!! Thank you for sharing!

[keepingthefaith82]

Just an update .... It took a couple months but i managed to kick the narcotic addiction. I have better control over my arthritis, lost 45lbs, and am addressing my adhd/anxiety issues in a healthy and positive setting with the support of my husband. I lost my brother 2 months after my original post, and it was because he was a heroin addict, and it was that moment that i quit, cold turkey, but 2 months later still suffering from arthritis, i finally found a doctor that understood addiction concerns, and helped me with non narcotics. I have my life back. It can be done and being honest with yourself and those you love is key. People can say marijuana is the gateway drug (which no drug is good) but i think perscription medication is the gateway drug because you have someone you trust, a professional telling you it is ok to take those, and soon 2 a day will turn into 8 before you know it. God bless ....

[DoulaDoll]

If you are ready you reall need to cotact your doctor and go through withdrawals in a hospital setting, then you need to have an AODA counselor who can help you through the next steps, so you can stay off them and be able to maintain.  Breaking an addiction is not easy and it is almost impossible to do alone, you need all the help you can get.  Good Luck and God Bless.

[trdofbeingtrd]

There are a lot of people who can support you here. Also there is a lot of great information for you.

So please stick around and you will get more and more answers. :-)

[gnarly_1]

HI welcome to the forum....your feeling like a lot of of felt wile in active addition ....just know you dont have to live this way......the next few days will be ruff not only will you get withdrawals but you will get rebound pain witch is worst then the normal pain your feeling it will go aqway in a few weeks....I tell everybody starting out toy just got to be ok without being ok for a wile this will pass your bot all the things you said your an addict and those feelings come to us it takes about 4 days to detox then the rest of your life to treat the disease you dont have to live like this once your detoxed you wont be chained to a pill bottle anymore this will be one of the best decisions of your life we will be here to help you threw it keep in mind this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental and the mental is often the more difficult part hot baths help the symptoms keep posting for suport and will do our best to hrp you threw this you can do ths good luck andGod bleess      Gnsrly