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Addicted to Opiates :( 25/m help
Hello everyone,
I am glad to have found a place to talk about this because even though I have good friends and good family, it is really hard to be open about what I'm going through.
I am 25 years old and since I was in highschool me and my friends experimented with drugs. Despite this, I got through college and am doing good career wise and from from the outside eye everything is fine. When I was 22 or so me and my friends started taking vicodin and then a year ago or so we discovered Oxycontin and things have spiraled out of control so badly... Everyone one of my friends, including myself, who began using it recreationally is now dependent on it and we take it almost everyday. We make pacts to quit and take breaks and we rarely go a day without it. I went on a 2 week vacation and got clean and got through the withdrawal, but no matter what I have this horrible mental craving for it that I am scared will never ever go away.
The feeling is like--- in my mind I believe oxycontin is an amazing substance. I snort a little bit and I can go from having a bad day to a great day, from feeling tired and cranky to energetic and fun and talkative and a better worker, a better member of my family, a better friend. I am great on it, but when it is not there I can barely function. It costs me tons of money, and it is horrible watching all my friends in denial about the addiction. I am scared it is ruining my life and my friends lives and none of us will come to terms to do rehab or anything because we cant let our parents know and people around us.
I am scared because everytime I quit, eventually I give in to the cravings no matter how irrational it is. I get these intense urges to take it, even once the withdrawals are gone. My friends being addicts too doesnt' help, but they are my best friends and I cant just leave them in the dirt.
I guess I just wanted to share this story and see if anyone can relate. Once you feel the pleasure of oxycontin, it is depressing for me to imagine life without ever tasting it again but I know everytime I do it I relapse into addiction and my health, wealth, and life go down the tubes. The one time I went 2-3 weeks off of it I had trouble coping with stress without my drug and I gave in and relapsed for another 2-3 months and now I've gone 4 days without it but just ordered one and am scared it will lead to more months of addiction. There is no greater feeling than giving in when you are trying to quit and relapsing so you go from the agony of withdrawal to heaven. Relapsing is such a guilty pleasure. I have constant nightmares about losing control and feel plagued with it and worry I wont be able to quit.
Thank you all for listening to my story, if anyone has similar stories or feelings I'd liek to hear about them, or if anyone knows if the mental craving for the drug will ever go away even once the substance is physically out of my system and the physical withdrawals subside. I feel like my subconcious is urging me to get it and use it and it overpowers my sensibility and conscious mind. Unlike drugs like meth, crack, ecstasy, and pcp, opiates are a slow, rather than quick, death of your soul and body. I can always justify one more opiate does because I know it isnt killing me or harming my body that much, but what it is doing is feeding a horrible addiction thats robbing me of my freedom, money, and soul. Also, our non-using friends look down on us and are slowly becoming alienated from us since we would often rather go do some OC than go party and do normal stuff. The hardest part about quitting is that even though I want to live a normal lifestyle, something in my doesn't want to give up OC for good. It's just too hard to imagine never touching it again? Even though it is ruining my life. *sigh* can anyone relate?
For reference, I usually crush and snort or eat, and my usage can be as low as 20mg a day on my "weening days" to as high as 120mg/day on a complete binge day. My average dose is 50-60mg. My withdrawal symptoms arent super severe, but I get depression, tiredness, irritability, joint/bone pain, and watery eyes and chronic yawning, and most of all intense craving to get some.
I am glad to have found a place to talk about this because even though I have good friends and good family, it is really hard to be open about what I'm going through.
I am 25 years old and since I was in highschool me and my friends experimented with drugs. Despite this, I got through college and am doing good career wise and from from the outside eye everything is fine. When I was 22 or so me and my friends started taking vicodin and then a year ago or so we discovered Oxycontin and things have spiraled out of control so badly... Everyone one of my friends, including myself, who began using it recreationally is now dependent on it and we take it almost everyday. We make pacts to quit and take breaks and we rarely go a day without it. I went on a 2 week vacation and got clean and got through the withdrawal, but no matter what I have this horrible mental craving for it that I am scared will never ever go away.
The feeling is like--- in my mind I believe oxycontin is an amazing substance. I snort a little bit and I can go from having a bad day to a great day, from feeling tired and cranky to energetic and fun and talkative and a better worker, a better member of my family, a better friend. I am great on it, but when it is not there I can barely function. It costs me tons of money, and it is horrible watching all my friends in denial about the addiction. I am scared it is ruining my life and my friends lives and none of us will come to terms to do rehab or anything because we cant let our parents know and people around us.
I am scared because everytime I quit, eventually I give in to the cravings no matter how irrational it is. I get these intense urges to take it, even once the withdrawals are gone. My friends being addicts too doesnt' help, but they are my best friends and I cant just leave them in the dirt.
I guess I just wanted to share this story and see if anyone can relate. Once you feel the pleasure of oxycontin, it is depressing for me to imagine life without ever tasting it again but I know everytime I do it I relapse into addiction and my health, wealth, and life go down the tubes. The one time I went 2-3 weeks off of it I had trouble coping with stress without my drug and I gave in and relapsed for another 2-3 months and now I've gone 4 days without it but just ordered one and am scared it will lead to more months of addiction. There is no greater feeling than giving in when you are trying to quit and relapsing so you go from the agony of withdrawal to heaven. Relapsing is such a guilty pleasure. I have constant nightmares about losing control and feel plagued with it and worry I wont be able to quit.
Thank you all for listening to my story, if anyone has similar stories or feelings I'd liek to hear about them, or if anyone knows if the mental craving for the drug will ever go away even once the substance is physically out of my system and the physical withdrawals subside. I feel like my subconcious is urging me to get it and use it and it overpowers my sensibility and conscious mind. Unlike drugs like meth, crack, ecstasy, and pcp, opiates are a slow, rather than quick, death of your soul and body. I can always justify one more opiate does because I know it isnt killing me or harming my body that much, but what it is doing is feeding a horrible addiction thats robbing me of my freedom, money, and soul. Also, our non-using friends look down on us and are slowly becoming alienated from us since we would often rather go do some OC than go party and do normal stuff. The hardest part about quitting is that even though I want to live a normal lifestyle, something in my doesn't want to give up OC for good. It's just too hard to imagine never touching it again? Even though it is ruining my life. *sigh* can anyone relate?
For reference, I usually crush and snort or eat, and my usage can be as low as 20mg a day on my "weening days" to as high as 120mg/day on a complete binge day. My average dose is 50-60mg. My withdrawal symptoms arent super severe, but I get depression, tiredness, irritability, joint/bone pain, and watery eyes and chronic yawning, and most of all intense craving to get some.
Hello,
I just found this forum the other day, im 20 years old and can relate to you in a lot of ways. opiates are my thing..were.. i hope its a were..
It is depressing, saying bye bye to oxy, even more depressing when there is some within arms reach. My brother went through the same thing I am going through, and I suppose you are going through as well, hes been clean for about 5 years i guess and says he barely thinks about it anymore.
We are young, lets not waste our youth on this stuff.
I am going on 4 days and I hope I will be able to smile a genuine smile soon, one thats not partly induced by drugs.
I wish you, and myself strength and luck.
I just found this forum the other day, im 20 years old and can relate to you in a lot of ways. opiates are my thing..were.. i hope its a were..
It is depressing, saying bye bye to oxy, even more depressing when there is some within arms reach. My brother went through the same thing I am going through, and I suppose you are going through as well, hes been clean for about 5 years i guess and says he barely thinks about it anymore.
We are young, lets not waste our youth on this stuff.
I am going on 4 days and I hope I will be able to smile a genuine smile soon, one thats not partly induced by drugs.
I wish you, and myself strength and luck.
They say one is too many a thousand never enough.....sound about right?
I am 44 years of age. I have been battling opiates since I was 25 yrs old....about 20 years now. In those 20 yrs I lost a baby (stillborn) at full term, overdosed 4 or 5 times, lost homes, lost relationships, ruined credit, lost trust from loved ones, and most of all, I lost myself.
I did have a period of seven years in recovery....but one day I decided to help a friend in relapse and all of a sudden taking "just one" norco didn't seem to be such a big deal. Here I sit 7 years later tapering off Suboxone......for the third time.
I can honestly say that the first few years of painkillers were awesome. I felt prettier, confident, happy, easy going, like walking on clouds.....but life was passing me by and while I felt so good, my life was falling apart slowly but surely. Every time something bad happened I managed to fix it before anyone really caught on....until I got pregnant. I hear a lot of addicts say "I would stop if I got pregnant". I said the same thing. But guess what? Addiction is more powerful than a baby, your mama, and anything else in the world.....trust me. I didn't stop and the baby died because I did not take care of myself. I will live with that forever,
After the baby's death, I got worse. I could not fix that one and go on. It took more to get me well, and even more to get high which was getting harder and harder to do (get high). This will happen to you to. You do not have this under control and despite how many times you say "I will never do more than 120mgs", the day will come when you do. The day will come when you don't get high any more....you take it just to halfway function.
Do yourself a favor and go get help. You can't save your *** and face at the same time....I spent too many years doing that and in the end, lost much more than my face. I would give my right arm to go back and admit it to the people who loved me....I would have my daughter today if I had.
I pray for you....you sound like your head is still in the clouds....and it's so hard to see what people are saying right now. I pray your HP will send you a "wake up" call and soon.
Kathrynk,
I am 44 years of age. I have been battling opiates since I was 25 yrs old....about 20 years now. In those 20 yrs I lost a baby (stillborn) at full term, overdosed 4 or 5 times, lost homes, lost relationships, ruined credit, lost trust from loved ones, and most of all, I lost myself.
I did have a period of seven years in recovery....but one day I decided to help a friend in relapse and all of a sudden taking "just one" norco didn't seem to be such a big deal. Here I sit 7 years later tapering off Suboxone......for the third time.
I can honestly say that the first few years of painkillers were awesome. I felt prettier, confident, happy, easy going, like walking on clouds.....but life was passing me by and while I felt so good, my life was falling apart slowly but surely. Every time something bad happened I managed to fix it before anyone really caught on....until I got pregnant. I hear a lot of addicts say "I would stop if I got pregnant". I said the same thing. But guess what? Addiction is more powerful than a baby, your mama, and anything else in the world.....trust me. I didn't stop and the baby died because I did not take care of myself. I will live with that forever,
After the baby's death, I got worse. I could not fix that one and go on. It took more to get me well, and even more to get high which was getting harder and harder to do (get high). This will happen to you to. You do not have this under control and despite how many times you say "I will never do more than 120mgs", the day will come when you do. The day will come when you don't get high any more....you take it just to halfway function.
Do yourself a favor and go get help. You can't save your *** and face at the same time....I spent too many years doing that and in the end, lost much more than my face. I would give my right arm to go back and admit it to the people who loved me....I would have my daughter today if I had.
I pray for you....you sound like your head is still in the clouds....and it's so hard to see what people are saying right now. I pray your HP will send you a "wake up" call and soon.
Kathrynk,
Hey again,
Most of us understand your situation very well. You are correct in your assertion about the difficulty in making up your mind.
Do you know that "panicky" feeling you get when you are about to run out of pills? That feeling that drives you to do whatever it takes to refill your supply. You need to use that same drive to get clean.
It's always easier to start next week or to wait until next refill. I played that fools game for more than 15 years.
It only gets harder, muster it fast. Now is the EASIEST time to detox, not the hardest. Keep in mind that each pill you take makes it a little harder.
We are ALL pulling for you, sooner is better!!!!!
bob
Most of us understand your situation very well. You are correct in your assertion about the difficulty in making up your mind.
Do you know that "panicky" feeling you get when you are about to run out of pills? That feeling that drives you to do whatever it takes to refill your supply. You need to use that same drive to get clean.
It's always easier to start next week or to wait until next refill. I played that fools game for more than 15 years.
It only gets harder, muster it fast. Now is the EASIEST time to detox, not the hardest. Keep in mind that each pill you take makes it a little harder.
We are ALL pulling for you, sooner is better!!!!!
bob
Hey,
Thank you all for your replies and support! I guess the hardest part is making up your mind that you will never use it again for the rest of your life. The order did come in (as it always does) and i've used a bit from then but I am hoping to muster the willpower shortly to take a permanent vacation, and once I am better hopefully help my friends.
Thanks again for the replies!
Thank you all for your replies and support! I guess the hardest part is making up your mind that you will never use it again for the rest of your life. The order did come in (as it always does) and i've used a bit from then but I am hoping to muster the willpower shortly to take a permanent vacation, and once I am better hopefully help my friends.
Thanks again for the replies!
You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I really hope that your "order' didn't come or that you just flushed it. 4 days is a great start. And the days will add up...listen to me talk at 5 days off of Norco. :)
I truly hope that you will let someone in on your little secret. I think you would be surprised at how supportive your family would be if you went to them. I think it will be very hard for you to do this successfully alone. I told my husband who had no idea the extent of what I was dealing with and he surprised me with his support and compassion. I know I wouldn't have made it this far if I hadn't told him.
My hope for you is that you figure it out soon so that you don't get in even worse than you are. Like I said, you have so much ahead of you to look forward to. Good luck.
I truly hope that you will let someone in on your little secret. I think you would be surprised at how supportive your family would be if you went to them. I think it will be very hard for you to do this successfully alone. I told my husband who had no idea the extent of what I was dealing with and he surprised me with his support and compassion. I know I wouldn't have made it this far if I hadn't told him.
My hope for you is that you figure it out soon so that you don't get in even worse than you are. Like I said, you have so much ahead of you to look forward to. Good luck.
Hey,
Your story sounds like many here. You do seem to realize that getting through physical wd is not where the war is won. You need to find someone to help you with this or you will keep going around and around.
Tell a doctor or go to an NA meeting. It takes a big set to go to that first one, but it could save your life. You are young and your use is not too high YET. Yes it will grow if you don't stop it now.
The cravings may never go away but they will become manageable. You are wise to realize your problem at such a young age. You need to stay away from all pills and those using if you are serious about stopping.
Taking "just one" will lead to more every single time. If you are ready to stop, it all needs to STOP.
The more clean days you get, the more the symptoms will disappear. I congratulate you on your 4 days and hope your "order" doesn't come in so you have to reapeat some of your wd.
If you take that one pill, when you fight to get back to day 4 again, what will you do next time??? Try for day 5??? or hit the button and go around again so you can fight once again to get back to day 4???
It's exponential madness that only gets fixed when you are tired of going around. It sounds like you're getting close. It only stops when the pills stop.
Don't turn your life into 15 or 20 more years of escalating use.
Please figure this out, we are all pulling for you,
bob
Your story sounds like many here. You do seem to realize that getting through physical wd is not where the war is won. You need to find someone to help you with this or you will keep going around and around.
Tell a doctor or go to an NA meeting. It takes a big set to go to that first one, but it could save your life. You are young and your use is not too high YET. Yes it will grow if you don't stop it now.
The cravings may never go away but they will become manageable. You are wise to realize your problem at such a young age. You need to stay away from all pills and those using if you are serious about stopping.
Taking "just one" will lead to more every single time. If you are ready to stop, it all needs to STOP.
The more clean days you get, the more the symptoms will disappear. I congratulate you on your 4 days and hope your "order" doesn't come in so you have to reapeat some of your wd.
If you take that one pill, when you fight to get back to day 4 again, what will you do next time??? Try for day 5??? or hit the button and go around again so you can fight once again to get back to day 4???
It's exponential madness that only gets fixed when you are tired of going around. It sounds like you're getting close. It only stops when the pills stop.
Don't turn your life into 15 or 20 more years of escalating use.
Please figure this out, we are all pulling for you,
bob
Welcome to the forum. I hope you can get this under control, your still so young and addiction is progressive and it almost always gets worse instead of better until we stop this cycle and get some help. I am glad to see you reaching out, but from your post you have not surrendered to drugs yet and don't sound ready to stop.
It's scary once we get wrapped up in our addiction to think of living a life without using, I was terrified to live without dope, but that is the lie of addiction. If your hanging out with those that use, quitting will be next to impossible, its a major trigger. You said you can't tell anyone, but keeping our addiction keeps us sick. I am not preaching, I just hate to see you throw your life away. We have all been there and here to give support. Keep posting and think long and hard about quitting for good, it can be done man. Good luck and be safe.
It's scary once we get wrapped up in our addiction to think of living a life without using, I was terrified to live without dope, but that is the lie of addiction. If your hanging out with those that use, quitting will be next to impossible, its a major trigger. You said you can't tell anyone, but keeping our addiction keeps us sick. I am not preaching, I just hate to see you throw your life away. We have all been there and here to give support. Keep posting and think long and hard about quitting for good, it can be done man. Good luck and be safe.
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