help my ship sunk today

[bama88]

hello and wow...i gave in to the pain. i can not do this anymore. I've tried to be strong. heck i tried to be stubborn. but honestly my pain levels are thru the roof. both knees hurt from toes to butt...and im going to pt in awhile. so here's what happened....my mom and husband went to doctors office today earlier and told him what they observed. yes im mobile to a degree. but really hurt. last night i wanted to go to er. but what could they do? give me a shot? so anyways my husband and mom told the doctor what they see...and he said i need a knee replacement on left knee...and i should think about going on disability...so he wrote oxycontin for pain. no break thrus....i know that roxies are my true love...i can't snort the oxies...i don't get high from oxycontin er. after all i have learned i won't take more. no way. i don't and won't loose my car again. so im gonna manage my medicine....i don't know what to do. am i setting myself up for failure? i took one at 9 and finally can move without feeling like ice picks are in both knees. and i go to doctor on wed...and back to pain managent on 27....i am sorry if o let you down....i want everyone to know that...i will still be around if you want me. sorry bama fell down.

[jlannspr]

I too have relapsed. It's hard to not look at myself as a failure as you shouldn't either. Take this one day at a time, and ask about alternate therapies. Quiting now will save you w/d symptoms later. Hold your head up and take a deep breath.

[apike31108]

It's ok bama. You had surgery. You were in pain!

[Sarah11212]

I wouldn't consider this a relapse Bama.
You just had surgery and even though you may think you don't need to take them, I think you've found out that you do!
When your pain gets to a 7, you are almost at the point of no return in getting the pain under control.
Take it when needed so you can heal and get through this.
Big hugz

[LostNoMore]

bama so sorry about all the pain. you will get through this...sobriety in tact.
You are a shining light of helpful advice and strength here. Please stick around!! We need you!!

[bettermomma]

Bama, don't worry hun... you haven't let us down. I know that right now you may think that you have... but you haven't! As long as YOU aren't managing your meds, then I see no harm in you taking them for legitimate pain. The only thing that really worries me... is your mind set. You no longer want to get high. Do you? As long as you take the medication when you can't bare the pain, then you won't be getting high. I understand that you consider this stumbling block as a relapse, and many others do as well... but who's to say that the opinion of others, is a guideline to live by? I believe you are in actual pain, and sometimes it takes more than 1600 mg of ibprofene to relieve that pain. So no my dear sweet Bama, you haven't let me down. I know from my mom's experience, that this kind of pain is real! Please be cautious and keep your guard up, as we don't want the inner addict to take over once again. I hope the best for you sweetie, and if you need me, I'm always here!



Best wishes and prayers coming your way!

Momma

[minn66]

Bama, you haven't let anyone down. You just had surgery. If you truly need the meds then perhaps, if monitored closely, taking them would be the best thing for you. Not trying to encourage you to relapse. Just saying that there are legitimate reasons for taking meds.

[rizboy]

taking meds for pain is different in my eyes.sounds like you have held out for a long time anyway.well done bama.dont be to hard on yourself

[littlebit667]

Bama, I want to smack you!  They are there for real pain and you have real pain and you are being a pain!  :)  Take them as directed so you can have a life.  We abused them because that tends to be human nature for some (me), and we feel guilty when we really, really need them.  Let yourself not hurt!!!!!

[bama88]

ok ok ill drop it. i took one at 9 and no high...just relief. it scares this fire our of me because i had did so much damage snorting all the roxies....i don't want the medicine to trigger that.but my husband and mom have all my medicine...i wouldn't even share one with johnny..nope. and he didst ask. i was scared that me taking pills might trigger relapses on both of us. so im gonna really watch myself. plus i have to go in for pill counts...the doctor said he would call at any random time and someone better bring in medicine so i have accountability this time...finally my body is relaxed doctor told my husband that if my body isn't relaxed and battling pain it won't heal...and i won't do good in therapy. my doctor is aware of my addiction. he told me that it happens to 50% of long term cronic pain patients. but i have learned so much about addiction and how easy it is to relapses..so guard is up. my husband said if i ask for just one more i get no more....so i won't ask..

[bama88]

and no i don't want tl get high....funny thing is i don't enjoy it any more....kind of got boring and i like not feeling exhausted all the time. when i was snorting all the roxies and taking oxycontin  two at a time i was so so tired....now i get up and stay up. i don't need naps all day long. and i enjoy the energy i have....but now i can relax today im not super tense. all my muscles hurt from being clenched up...even my jaw hurt from gritting my teeth. so no i don't want to get high...it costs me too much. my husband and i said that if either one of us went down that path again it was over for us. so no more buzzing around like a bee for me...

[bama88]

and mamma...my mind isn't set on anything except no more abusing medicine....pills scare me. i wanted to be clean forever and ever...

[bama88]

as Sara says...once you've danced with the devil..and i don't want to dance

[Sharon0255]

I'm here for you. You know I'm in a very dark lonely place in my addiction. I keep trying and you never judge me. Try to stop judging yourself. Tomorrow is a new day for both of us.

[littlebit667]

kiss your doctor!  He is trying to help that is huge!   I am glad you are not hurting right now.  Keep up the good fight.  I am pulling for you!!!!!

[bettermomma]

I'm happy to hear that Bama! You've always been there for me... and no amount of thank you, will ever express my gratitude! Good luck, I hope that all goes well... hoping your pain subsidies and you feel better soon!

[GA_need_help]

You got to the point of incredible pain.  I really understand. I have been through so much with back pain.  And your doctor is right that injuries don't heal well when we are in pain.  I think you just have to keep you eyes open bc you know you are an addict, as I am.  So, with them holding your meds. and the very real call you will receive to bring your meds in to be counted, you have some safety boundaries in place.  I just don't want you to ever feel like you aren't needed on this site bc you are soooo needed there.  This isn't a relapse.  This is a real need for pain medicine. Please be kind and loving to yourself!
Big hug,
Marie

[bama88]

um guys i don't want to chance the pills...my husband is coming home...im having him take them back to doctor...the pain came back and i don't want any more opiates...if i could make it a week i can make it again. these pills confuse me. and i don't need confusion. im gonna go with johnny to talk to my doctor. i hate pills. i hate pain. so my mind is made up. no no no reason for pills. i don't care if im being a sticker now. i don't want to tempt the devil....so back they go.

see how crazy addiction is? see rhe fear of the pills when you break free....oh im so mad at my mom and johnny. those pills ruined my life. nobody ever died from pain after knee scope...they do die from pills ...now let me glad kick something

[bama88]

im being a stinker not a sticker hahaha

[NeverDreamed]

I understand the fear.  I've got some things upcoming, and I pray I don't need the pain meds.   However, the dr. is right, if your body is not relaxed and constantly in tension from the pain it won't heal.  Talk with the dr. he knows your addiction, go with what he says.  You have to give your body a fighting chance to heal as well.  You are taking all the right steps, letting your people hold your meds, being honest with the doctor... You can do this.  My thoughts and prayers are with you!

xoxo

[ricart70]

what about toradol?  could they use that? and ice and otc stuff. Hope you feel better soon.Sounds like you are thinking clearly

[bewitched_queen]

bama girl, im sorry you are hurting so bad & I'm glad someone is controlling your doses. Just remember the inner addict is always watching & you have to control her. I'm coming to grips with this. I know you will too :)

[vicki595]

Hey!!   You're okay here. Don't cofuse the issues!!

Just treat the pain and not the addiction. You've got your safeguards up so don't be silly.

Your doctor is right: If you're all tensed up you won't heal properly!!

[bama88]

ok ms vikkie....im not gonna take them no more I've convinced myself i don't want them and they are no good for me...i will be tense but clean. im tougher than you thimk...i think it was last night that made me hurt....my scooter broke down in rhe back of wmart and i walked back to rhe car...so im to blame for my pain ...i can't flush them but i don't have to take them...I've made up my mind....i am gonna suffer in silence

[bama88]

they are on the way back to doctors office...so its over.