Agonizing over whether I should do the meth program, advice please

[moonshyne777]

I have been addicted to oxys for a couple years now. I snort about 100 mgs a day and really, really want off these things. I have been looking into the meth program and went two days ago to register for it. There is about a month long waiting list so in the meantime I'm trying to get peoples experiences with it. There are a lot that say its the best thing they ever did and there are a lot that say its even harder to come off of then the oxys. Very mixed reviews to say the least. I have a condition called spinal stenosis and two young children that keep me very busy. I tried cold turkey last May and lasted about 2 months but my back pain was overwhelming and I crumbled and went back on the oxys. I hate the grip these things have on me. I wake up and the first thing I do is snort a 20 and 5 minutes later another half of a 20. By the end of the day I snort about 5 20's.

I hate myself for letting myself get this way. I have been blessed with two beautiful kids and they deserve a mother free of this pill addiction. I'm also worried about what these things are doing to my insides. I'm not eating right, I barely eat all day and then eat at night. I am almost always constipated and a couple times recently have had quite a bit of blood when I was finally able to go. I'm scared that I have done some major damage to my insides but too scared to tell the doctor about it. Anyone else have this happen while using? Anyways if you can give me some insight as to your experiences with the meth program I'd really appreciate it. The reason why I'm considering meth is because at least I will continue to get some pain relief (I've read that meth is helpful as an analgesic) and avoid the horrible withdrawals of going CT. Please help me. I am determined to get off these things but I know from past experience that going CT isnt a good idea for me because I really do have a lot of pain and need SOMETHING for pain. At least if I do the meth I will get some pain relief and it will be regulated and I wont be snorting pills, running around wasting money and panicking when I run out and I might finally start taking care of myself properly and eating properly. I barely eat all day and eat unhealthy foods at night.

I feel like I'm slowly killing myself and I probably am. The worst part is I should know better. I lost my mom a few years ago. She was only 47 years old and her liver gave out after years of abusing booze and morphine. I dont drink but I take enough pills to make up for it. I NEVER want my precious angels to endure what i did with losing my mom so early in life. They dont deserve that pain, no one does. Thanks in advance for your help and guidance. This forum was invaluable to me when I went CT. It was the reason I made it 2 months. If not for the horrible pain of spinal stenosis I may have never went back on the pills but I did.

[dominosarah]

I think Orion just misread and thought you were going to get Meth some other way.

I didnt think i was stoned to the bone either but guess what?  I was.  Anytime we put opiates in our body we are under the influence.  Noone here is trying to be judgemental as we have been in your shoes.

[Calamity2]

Umm  I think she means methedone. heheh   Yes you could easily die just as early or sonner than your mom. (I'm very sorry you had to go thru that) I'm not familiar with your
spine problem. I know my doctor gave me a dianosis I can't even spell. But the fact is when I stopped taking opiates my brain became rewired in TIME . It had been telling me my pain was much greater than it actually is. I take aleve and sometimes advil. those two suggestions , ticked me off  but they do work just as well as the vics oxy or whatever I took. I know you were sober 2 months before but that wasnt long enough for your brain and body to readjust to dealing with the pain natrually. You might think well I can't take care of my kids without opiates. Which is another nasty little lie we addicts tell ourselves. The real YOU is not present today. Give yourself a chance to be opiate free. Meth wds are harder than oxy wds.

[Orion5611]

Well I didn't know you were getting meth legally.

When you mentioned the meth program, I thought you meant a detox center. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding! If you were to meet me in person, you would never think I took pain meds, either. I am a mother, too.  

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[dominosarah]

How much of this does your doctor know about?  Are you getting any pills from him/her?  Sounds like there is more going on with you than just the pain.......

[moonshyne777]

What do you mean ''get caught''? I am not going to be getting meth illegally, I am getting it through a government program. I am not the first mother to develop an addiction to these pills that were PRESCRIBED to me and my kids are very well taken care of so I don't need to worry about getting them taken away. I am not the type of addict that is stoned out of my mind. If you were to talk to me in person you would never even think I did oxys...I dont know why I'm justifying myself here. I think your way off the mark.  

[Orion5611]

Honey, don't trade one addiction for another!! If you start doing meth, what happens if you get caught? You lose your children and they will have to endure losing their mother for a long time!! You can get through this addiction, I did! It just takes self-discipline and courage!!

I'm at work and have to go to a meeting. I'll be back in a couple hours ..