i give up.

[maria920]

I'm so sick of being accused of using I just give up. Its the same headache I had when I was actually using. I'm sooo sick of this bulls*it! Sometime I think he doesn't want to trust me and he waiting for me to fail. It would b a lot easier not to try and stay sober but to go back to using and forget all about the hard work I've been doing for the past 6 months. Ughhh....

[meegWpaw]

maria i just want to say that i have seen all your struggles here and i really think you are doing a bang up job of it and you are super fantastic!  wow look how much you have been through and you are still sticking with it girlfriend!  that is amazing.  i was reading all the prior posts and i think conhall really nailed it as well as a lot of others that you need to be proud of yourself and hold your head high!  your husband seems like he is intent on finding you guilty but that doesnt mean you have to be guilty!  you're not guilty of anything!  he may take the longest to come around and let's hope that he does.  but until then ... you rock!  you are doing this and you're doing it well.  you got bragging rights!!!!  don't give up.

[dominosarah]

Trust is a big thing right now but your actions will speak louder than words.  It is okay for your hubby not to trust you right now and in time he will.  It takes time but the longer you are clean and working your recovery family sees the change in us and they relax.  If CPS shows up at your door you hold your head high and dont let them intimidate you.  I can think of all kinds of things i would like to do that "thing" at daycare but i will keep those thoughts to myself!!!  Hang in there Maria, you are doing great~

[maria920]

the first thing ill start by saying is trust is soooo hard to get back. i know my husband wants to trust me but hes having a hard time bc he is scared. he said he think about this all the time what if i start using again? i told him u have to believe in me and try and trust me. hes scared im going to choose heroin over my family bc i kno if i ever use again he will leave with my kids. and at first i got clean for all the wrong reasons but then i realized this is what i want and this life ( without drugs) is soo much better. i have been doing one on one therapy. i also went to 2 group meetings and i really liked it. it tought me alot about my addiction and myself. i kno i keep talking about what my husband thinks and what everyone else thinks but tht the kind of person i am no matter what it is. i really REALLY care what ppl think of me and what they say about me. just like the daycare drama. i really didnt need tht added to all the stress and pressure im under right now. the suboxone program is a god send for me it really changed and saved my life on so many different levels. i honestly cant catch a freakin break. i pray alot and lately i have been thinking god is playing a very funny joke on me and trying to see how much i can handle before i break.i recently started taking visterol for anxiety and i guess it works ok but it doesnt work like my klonopin did. ( mmy phychologist) took it off me when i admitted to being a drug addict. he said we were going to talk about going back on a benzo which i never never EVER abused.... i cant thank everyone enough for responding and taking the time to show u care. i just really wish i could get a break. this bulls*it with the daycare was enough to push me over the edge, so now me being stressed out upset sad now im PETRIFIED children services is going to get called on me. if they do im not sure how ill react towards the daycare for starting this s*it. MY GOD i feel like im losing it. all i do is cry when my biggest emotion should be and was happy now its at sad and scared and PI$$ED OFF!!!! i wish i has a sponsor bc now would b a great time to talk to him/her... im going to TRY and relax and calm down... thank you everyone i love all of you for being here for me!!!!

[OpenMind24hours]

This is exactly what Nar-anon and Al-anon is all about. It's a place our loved ones can go to so they can learn to focus on getting themselves better rather than only focusing on us!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl this just keeps getting worst and worst....Da m............................................!! look your on the sub that explains a lot you get glassy eyes and pined out puples its a narcotic now if dosed well it will hardly effect you but you may raise an eyebrow or 2 with people looking at your eyes ....I had to deal with it the whole time I was on methadone your just going to have to do what it takes to show them your clean it is hard for all addicts......Gnarly  

[clean_in_ks]

Hey Maria, can't remember from posts before what you shared about the counseling/support that you were participating in thru your sub dr.  Are you still getting any one-on-one or group support?  Meetings anymore?

You and I talked a longggg time ago about doing this for yourself and not so you wouldn't lose your hubby and kids... you seemed to "come" to the belief at that time that you started off doing it for "others" but were now doing recovery for yourself..  I know for me, my "pats on the back" ain't comin from non-addicts that I have hurt, lied to or betrayed while using.  They have to heal, too.  They are scared to believe in us.  They need time, too.  They can't give away (to you) something they don't have yet.

The daycare worker sounds like a possible "busy body" or one that gets drawn into rumor mills.....you are powerless over her, too.  As long as I don't get defensive or angry......I know in my heart that "others" possible
accusations have to be "their problem". Just do what you gotta do to keep yourself strong....believe in YOU......get some support besides MH, too.
Having someone to talk to that HAS walked in your shoes will bless you!
Keep believin......and stay on your sub taper.....you're doin it.....

[ponco]

Hi need to  ask you something youre the only one i know that can answer im decreaseing 5mgs a week. if i start withdrawls doing this and i stay at 5mgs how long do the withdrawls last 3 months till you hit 0mgs or 2 to 3 wks.

[ricart70]

That is one of the big reasons everyone says you must quit for yourself.People close to me clearly do not trust me and I doubt they ever will but I am glad that my sobriety is not dependent on their feelings.

[this_big]

Trust is a motherF#$%# to earn back in any situation. Much less this type of situation. Face it. As addicts we are GREAT liars. I cant say that I would trust me right now. Can you?... honestly? Trust is earned back...sometimes. Instead of getting mad try to calmly explain whatever situation may come up...really thats all you can do. I can assure you he probably WANTS to trust you. Dont know if this helps.?. Good luck!

[maria920]

Any advise on how to handle it? I'm so sad bc of this. I feel like nooone has faith or trust in me besides u guys I'm really hurt.

[maria920]

Thank u everyone for caring so much! This seems to b the only place in getting support lately! I can't seem to catch a break and it breaks my heart. Tonight my hubby went in my bathroom and decided to go thru my stuff without me knowing ( which is 100% completely fine)  bc I have NOTHING TO HIDE!!! I started to ask him a question and he said to me u better put ur makeup bag in a different place since ur keeping ur dope in there now... I COULDNT imagine what he was talking about so I said what r u talking about and he says I knew u were using and ur so fuc*omg stupid for leaving it in there esp where the kids could get it. at this point I'm crying and confused bc I really don't Kno what he found . I went in with him and he throws a cellophane bag ties with a little rubber band with white stuff inside . Well  he didn't touch this bag just looked . Well I picked it up and threw it at him and said OK AS*HO*E its not dope its LOTION for stretch marks someone gave to me to try and I didn't have a bottle or anything so I took tht off my smokes. Now mind u this has been in there for about a year. So then of course I cried my eyes out for am hour and he tried to say sorry but I can't do this anymore. I'm working so hard and getting nothing in return. I'm sick of it... its one thing after another. And Idk how much I could handle!

[D713]

Hey I've been there my family look at me diffrently when I tottaly made a announcement at a gathering it was akward and still now........to me I shoulda kept it to myself and just went through it anyways. Because they didn't help or support me..just judged me and talk crap about me still to this day they do....it's embrassing and depressing to be honest....I'm like at least I admitted it and I thought I will get some support but obviously I didn't...But after time it get's better...everyone start to see you doing better and they even forgot about it....But my cousin's I was so close to is being childish acting like we're kid's...like they say don't take anyone for granted and I've always been there for my family....good or bad...I stuck with them to the end and still willl....Keep you're head up...
-Dee.

[Andie015]

Whatever you do ... Don't go back...don't give him the satisfaction of you giving up... If there's anything you need to give up on is him. It's your life back and your sanity in tact or him.... Choose wisely.....

[nursegirl6572]

Oh honey...I'm SO sorry.  Dear Jesus!!

Just keep holding your head up high, and graciously offer that woman that you'd be pleased to take a drug test for her.  Okay, not really, but UGH!

Smile sweetly, and say "Thank you for your concern, but I'm just fine and am not abusing any drugs".  Tell her it means the world to you that she has the best interest of your child at heart.  I doubt she'll call CYS...if she does, you'll be fine, there's nothing to find!

Just so sorry you're dealing with this.  I think it may be time for a REAL heart to heart with hubby...tell him everything you said to us here...how frustrating it is to be working SO hard and yet be doubted ALL the time, down to the daycare workers.  Tell him how hurtful that is, and how it makes you want to stop trying.  Explain that you understand that the trust issue will take time, and you appreciate that...but that you're doing all you can to prove you're clean.  Tell him you really need his backing and support.  Tell him you have no problem with transparency (where he can look at any text, emails), you're willing to take a drug test anytime, at his discretion...but in return, you would like him to TRY to understand a little better, and try to be compassionate, as this is so upsetting.  Communication is SO important.  

Much love to you...prayers for you as well, that things start getting better.  Be PROUD of what you've accomplished, because its AWESOME...and it IS normal to want HIM to be proud of you, even though you're doing this for you.  You CARE what he thinks, which shows your commuittment.

Sure hope things ease up for you...I feel badly that you're going through all of this!

[BlondeChick10]

Maria
I am sorry you have this unnecessary stressor .. please be assured that it seems to me that the woman was fishing for info about your personal life..I am certain that CPS will not remove your children as you are under a doctors care and taking a prescribed medication.  I am sure you were taken aback and not expecting to explain your self to your child care provider.. She and whomever else she claims to have discussed it with are speculating and or fishing.  You know that you are not doing anything wrong and if you are questioned you have a valid prescription. Try and relax!

[littlebit667]

No..you have a doctor's order and the nosy woman can jump!  It may be uncomfortable talking to child services (if she does call), but you are doing something legal and positive.  I do not know why you are being tested and I am so damned sorry.  

[maria920]

OK so today I went to pick my son up from daycare and the owner pulled my in her office and asked me if everything was OK. I said yes y and she said my eyes r pinned and I look out of it!?! I said I'm fine and then I asked what she was getting at  she said she noticed NY eyes and was wondering if I was on something. I said no nothing illegal . She mentioned she was going to call children n youth bit then she thought she would talk to me first.she also said she knos my son isn't in any danger ( but then y ask) . .. I don't understand this.  The while time ( 3 years) I was using not bone person said anything to me but now tht I'm clean its like everyone thinks I'm on drugs. WTF??!?! I did tell them tht from being on pain meds for so long I couldn't stop taking them without being sick so I went on suboxone and I'm getting it from a Dr. She felt it was necessary to call my husband and tell him ant what we talked abt which is fine bc he knows I'm on the subs. But I just don't get this. IM CLEAN I have been for almost 6 MONTHS!!!!  Now my husband really thinks I'm using and there's nothing I can do abt it. I took and PASSED a drug test yesterday so hes laying off a bit. The owner did say someone brought it to her attention so what if someone calls children and youth? Is it a bad thing to b on suboxone? Will they take my kids for tht? I get it from a Dr not off the streets or anything. I don't take anything else either.   UGHHHH!!! IM SOOOO STRESSED OUT AND SCARED NOW!!!

[gnarly_1]

HI.......ya it s ucks when our loved ones dont believe where clean even after 6 mo....dont know about your history but I have a whole life time of using/////quitting/////using///quitting////even years clean but something alway drove me back now I got 8mo clean but why on earth with a lifetime record like mine would my wife ever trust me//??<< I think in the back of her mind she will always be suspicious but thats her cross to bear .....I go from 5 to 7 N/A meetiings a week im putting the work in...to stay clean with this program I should Make it I always did well with some sort of program right now N/A is the best fit congrats on your 6mo clean put something in place to show your husband your serious about your recovery ......good luck and God bless............Gnarly    

[maria920]

Thank u everyone. It really means a lot tht u guys believe in me! I just wish my best friend who is also my husband would too. But I guess I out him thru he!! For years so I guess in time it will happen. I feel like it will always b in the back of his mind. Question... will everyone always think of me as an addict or willtht stop too? I don't want tht to define me for the rest of my life ya kno... I want to b known and maria, a great mother and wife. Not maria a sh¡tty person bc she's an addict. Wow Idk y I'm having such a problem today. All those feeling I had 6 million thts ago came rushing back and I feel like in drowning in it.

[luvabugga]

It sounds like he just doesn't understand it and you can't really blame him for that.  What you're doing right now is awesome and no one can take that away from you....regardless of who believes you or not.  And that's what's important!

We all have something we wish we could go back in time and undo.  That's just not going to happen, so the next best thing is to keep moving forward and learn from it.

Eventually he'll understand and will stop questioning you.  I'm sure he needs some time with it too.  Stay positive and keep focused.  6 months is incredible!  Be proud!!!

[D713]

Stay strong!!!!!! Hope everything will get better and it will!

[conhall]

Hold your head up
because you have every right too.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself...
for if you don't believe in yourself,
no one else will believe in you either.
You can make of your life anything you wish.
You Know the Truth and that is what matters in the end.

[maria920]

I get so upset bc I'm working so hard to  stay clean. Most days I don't have any cravings at all, but days like today they hit and hit hard. I guess since I kno I'm clean and working sooo hard I get so mad when he questions. I guess I don't look at it from his point of view. And I really want to b clean for me but I also want hun to b proud of me and see how hard I'm working and how much I don't ever want to go back. I guess I feel ad if he doesn't believe anything I say . Its been so long ( for me anyway) I haven't been clean this long since I was 18 or 19 except for pregnancy. I really wish I could fast forward time to 2 years from now and mayb at tht time there won't b any questions asked and I won't have to b so upset when he asks me questions or accused me of doing things I'm not. I also bought 2 home drug tests about a month ago which he didn't kno about and earlier I took it and set it on the couch by him and walked away. He came up to me and said I'm sorry I doubted u and hugged me. I just so upset and cry like I haven't cried in a while bc it actually hurts me . I guess it hurts him as well. God I wish I never even took one pill or tried heroin. But I did now all I can do is move forward and not look back.

[nursegirl6572]

It's so hard to gain trust back, you have to give him some time.  6 months may seem like enough time to you, but he may need longer.  Don't throw away all of that hard work and clean time.  You should want to be clean mainly for YOU anyway.  Don't get back on that rollercoaster, or you'll have to go through all of this all over again, PLUS, you'll be proving him right...don't give him that to say, "See!  I told you so!".  Prove him wrong, don't prove him right.

Hang in there!