Anxiety Around Returning to Work

[notaloneVB]

Hello and Happy New Year! I am new to this community and have been clean for 13 days. I've been addicted to hydrocodone (norco) for a little over 2 years. I quit in May...after a few weeks of quitting, I felt my world crumble with a series of traumatic events.  First, I found out spouse was cheating. In a way, my drug use got out of control when I sensed something was wrong and couldn't face it. Turns out that's what it was. After that blew up, just as we were going to figure out what to do and how to heal, he got diagnosed with an incurable cancer before the dust settled on the infidelity issue. For the next few months, we plowed forward and I took care of him during his treatments. Upon returning home in the late fall, it seemed like he was doing well and had recovered. He seemed to get back to his life as if nothing had happened. As for me, instead of joining life, I fell into a deep depression. For the first time in my life (even though I've suffered from depression since age 12, I've generally been pretty sociable until more recently), I felt like withdrawing and isolating - I felt like my trust level towards others was at an all time low. I had a cyst in my knee that was taken out and the pain was unbearable. I got a script for Norco and went back on it for a few months. I then decided to go see a therapist for my depression so that I could function (leave my house, exercise, start to work again, etc) and he put me on Prozac. This was in mid-December. A few days before Christmas, my husband (now in remission) decided to leave me. Coincidentally, that's the same day that my script ran out, so, I've been dealing with both trauma and withdrawal at the same time. I have been spending the holidays with supportive family members. I have been managing, since day 4, to exercise daily. I feel like I have gone through 75% of the withdrawal symptoms! but I still feel restlessness and anxiety. A big anxiety trigger is work. I feel like things that used to be easy for me to do now take so much energy - my job is technical/analytical (involves a lot of computer programming) but I also have to deal with clients. As I am now on my own, I feel I need to find a job soon because I feel a lot of anxiety around going through my savings and running out of money. I also feel a lot of anxiety around socializing (maybe due to the feeling of being betrayed, I fear opening up to others), but I know that during my withdrawal/recovery and separation, it's important to not isolate myself. I've forced myself to attend holiday parties and events - it's definitely out of my comfort zone, but I feel that with time, it's something I'll look forward to. My last hurdle is work. I feel on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about opening my laptop. I started going thru emails a few days back. I do have some freelance projects that I have fallen behind on and must start soon to meet the deadlines. I need to do those, and then next week, start looking for a part time or full time job outside my house (I fear that continuing to work from home will worsen my depression) - does anyone here have any advice? I read someone else's post r/e returning to work yesterday - will post a reply b/c I'm curious as to how it went. I guess I feel overwhelmed about how behind I am and don't know where to start. Thanks

[notaloneVB]

Thanks! I too feel forgetful and scatterbrained, but thankfully, now that my anxiety is subsiding, I feel like I can think more clearly and focused than 2 weeks ago. Monday, I go back home, so I think that lists will add the structure in my day that I need to not be idle and feel "frozen to myself", which is a feeling that would often trigger me to use. I'm making an effort to take baby steps, see the little things, and stay focused on today. Even though I realize a have a long road ahead of me, I cannot let that overwhelm me. I can take small steps though, and eventually things will get completed...and if they don't, I just need to be more accepting that perhaps they weren't meant to. I gotta have hope and faith with taking one step at a time, something that was previously way out of my comfort zone!

[On2better]

Hi and I am sorry to read about your rough year. Time will keep moving forward and the wounds will heal. A big part of the healing is staying clean. you can rediscover yourself and learn how to cope with stress without the use of drugs. You've got my support, good Luck

[Sonrissa]

Hi, and welcome. Congrats on your clean time! That is amazing especially given what you've been going through. I really understand how you feel, especially about the depression. I am a huge list maker. I make lists for everything, and I mean everything. My memory is pretty awful, so it helps to keep me focused and on track. It is such a great feeling to cross off items on a list, and then to actually complete an entire list! (Smile) it's the little things... Good luck, and I wish you all the best. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Take care.

[clean_in_ks]

Good for you!!!  I did too....feels good....don't it?  LOL

[notaloneVB]

Thanks - that's really helpful. Staying focused on doing one new thing. I did my to-do list and the first project - then went to yoga (which I've already been doing for a week and it's helped). Once I started working, it didn't feel so bad and feels much more do-able. I worked for 4 hours today - tomorrow I'll try to work 5.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum and a HUGE congrats on 13 days!!!

I liked what you wrote on another thread.....just make a list of tasks and do ONE of those tasks each day.  The anxiety and depression will lift as we take action.  INACTION feeds the anxiety and depression.

I have a really hard time "getting stuff done" too, due to chronic pain issues...so I wrote this down for myself a few weeks back.  I'm thinkin you'll like it too:

"Try to make ONE positive change in your life TODAY..  Just ONE little thing.  Do the SAME tomorrow.  You won't believe your life in a year."

Pretty good, eh?  It's a cinch by the inch...and SO hard by the yard~