Bye bye Vicodin!

[roughroad]

I am on day 4 ct now and I feel more clear headed. I have been using vicodin on and off for about 2 1/2 years but for the last 1 1/2 yrs straight. I don't think I had realized it was an actual addiction until maybe the last 6 months. I used it to deal with the abnormal levels of stress I have in my life and for a while it really worked. I will say I probably wouldn't have finalized my divorce and finally moved on without being high....so for that, Vicodin, I thank you. But all the down sides of it were awful. I wasn't able to interact with my kids , I didn't want to do anything with them. I prayed for their bedtime every night and my own children became my biggest trigger for pill use :-(. In the last year or so my son made a few statements that had me realize he may be affected by my habit and my daughter never knew me before it. I started using regularly the moment I stopped breast feeding her. I loved who I was before but this drug habit made me forget who hat was and doubt it was possible to ever be her again. I remember in the last few months I would look at other moms who had the energy to keep up with their kids with absolute bewilderment. I didn't understand how they could do that and it only made me want to use more pills to have more energy to keep up. But then I found myself unreasonably irritable towards my son.
fast forward to a week ago--- I started to realize I can't be this way and my daughter needs to see the woman her mother really is. My son needs my patience. I told my dealer I was slowly taking less and didn't need anymore yet. At this time  I had no clear plan, I didn't even realize I was about to go ct. I thought I was just going to take less of them...but as my supply got smaller I began to wonder if these pills were the reason I had no energy and such a deep depression. I at the very last moment with my last two pills decided I needed to attempt ct. I did it. Then the next day I woke up feeling unimaginably sick. It took every ounce of effort to get my kids off to school then I called in sick to work. I got on the internet and googled WDs for vicodin and here I landed. At that point I read everyones story and realized clearly that I was actually quitting and doing it for good. I took all the suggestions from everyone about how to deal with the WDs and put it to use. It helped greatly. I am now well into day 4 and I feel like myself again. I am not as sick and the mental battle is bearable now. I am working out everyday and taking time off work till next week. The only thing I am worried about is what if I forget how bad WDs are and in a weak moment when my kids are acting out I feel tempted. It has yet to happen but suspect it is easier to resist while the memory of WDs are fresh. My body does still ache and nothing really seems to sooth that but I know that my patience with my kids is ten times more important then my comfort.  When your triggers are your own kids and work then what do you do since yo can't avoid them? Is it just like a habit you build to saying the word no?? How does that part work? I am doing this completely by myself as nobody even knew I was taking these pills other then my dealer.

[roughroad]

Thanks again for the support! I am on day 6 and so happy to be free of those things. I ache still but I am sure I can deal with that over the lethargy and moodiness of the vicodin. This forum is a constant reminder to me of what I have gone through. A reminder not to go through it again. I think I will start to put up Christmas decorations today and keep my time occupied.

again...Thanks everyone for the support. I am clean because of it.

[pillfree21]

I have to applaud you for being so open and honest, especially about your children being triggers, many people would not have been that real with themselves.  I can understand you 100% on that, I have 4 kids and it become difficult to be fully there and engaged with them without using pills, so I understand.  I also think that this same situation offers us opportunities to grow and strengthen ourselves. These days, I may it a point to spend time with my kids whether I feel good or not and to see how they respond to me being there helps me a great deal to overcome those past issues.  It is a battle, but one well worth fighting.  

I can feel in your post that you love your children dearly, and I can say the same for mine.  They are young enough where they will really not remember these days once you get clean and back on track...I wish you the best with your recovery.

[DayToTry]

Yeah this forum is so helpfull isn't it.  I don't think I'd have made it either without the forum.  I'd have just went "yeah life is too hard" and given in.  But I handle this life so much better without the vicodin.  Just numbing it doesn't really work

[roughroad]

thanks guys!
I swear i didn't think I would feel this much better this quickly. When I started getting the WDs I was under the impression it would be weeks before I would feel OK. I still feel bad but as compared to how I have been feeling for the last 6months or more it isn't so bad after all. I have been drinking ridiculous amounts of water, green tea, and orange juice and I think it has helped. I am smiling today and it isn't drug induced. I am thankful to have found this forum because I doubt I would have clarified what I was doing as going 'cold turkey' without it. In the past I have taken 1 day off here and there but always went back because it wasn't even an attempt to quit. I didn't put any thought into it. Now I know better and have thought this thing through. Now it is time to press 'play' on my life again.

[jeffclowns]

hey that awesome day 4 good job keep it up..

[abel04]

probably everyone has some sort of relapse.......i did, but it was a short one;  i IMMEDIATELY could see my personality changes toward my family (whereas i couldn't before)...totally irritable, etc. like you.  i also noticed the physical side effects much more.  just remeber if it happens, come back here, you'll get total support.

my situation is a little different than yours, but you know what? pain is pain whether physical emotional spiritual......i think what most of us who get off find is a way to handle the pain, live with the pain, not let it take over more of our lives than it already has.......these are the best years of your mommy-hood, don't lose them girl!
knowing you can do it,
annabel

[tramsbite]

My children loved the idea that I would give myself a time out. You know what, being a mommy is hard work, but being a mommy addicted is even harder. Good for you for making the choice to remove excess hardship.

[lostsoul30]

keep up the good work

[roughroad]

Hmmm...a mommy time out? That actually sounds like a really good idea. My kids will get a kick out of it too. They are really young (2 &5) and doing it 1000% by myself is really hard. I have noticed I am more patient in the last 2 days with them and I even got them from daycare early yesterday to spend more time with them. Perhaps the Vicodin has made it seem harder then it is.

As for my connection. I probably honestly could have dozens of them if I wanted to but I only used one. She unfortunately is a close family friend and the grandmother to a kid my children consider to be like a sister. So I don't think I'll cut her out of my life. I think I am strong willed enough to never ask for it again. Plus I think she figured I am quitting because for the first time in 1yr she has held convo's with me about her grandchild and other things without asking me if I needed anymore of those *things.

[dominosarah]

How well i know those "unmarried" feelings!!!

I would talk with your friends.  That holds us more accountable.  Our addict brain plays many MANY games with us and yes it is like childbirth.  Just make sure you cut off all connections to your supplier.  I would skip the chat with your ex too.....

[tramsbite]

Congrats on 4days!

After care is very important. As far as your kids being your trigger, if you are able to find a therapist that works with parents. Join your local parent support group. Lots of parenting resources are available thru your local school district as well as your local health department.

I am bipolar and my three girls seem to trigger severe mood swings in me. I found help in learning to recognize when a trigger was coming and to do what I could to avoid it. Breathing, counting, taking a mommy time out. All these things help me to avoid slipping at the top of the slope. Peace to you.

[roughroad]

No, I am not married. I actually took the pills to help me get "unmarried" LOL. I probably could easily tell my xhusband because he has battled with drugs since age 13 and knows more then a lifetime of stuff about it but I don't think that will do me any good. I think I will soon tell two of my closest friends but thats it. I know I will be fine and will not use again but I just want to be as prepared as possible for the cravings sneaking back onto me. I remember how easily you forget how painful childbirth is until you are in labor with your next baby so I can see how I will delude myself into thinking 'WDs weren't really that bad'.

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum!!

Congrats on 4 days!!  That is awesome!!  We talk alot about recovery care on this forum.  It is really vital to our recovery and success.  We learn the tools we need to live healthy lives.  The mental game is the hardest and the cravings can hit you at any given time.  If you are married i would sit down with your husband and talk with him as our secrets keep us sick.  Telling others about our addiction is very empowering and takes alot of weight off our shoulders.  Keep posting as we are here to support you~~~~~sara