wanting to quit

[penny1974]

This is my first time posting. I have been reading posts for the last several months.  I'm sorry if this becomes long.  I didn't know were to go.
Ok...  hi to every one out there.  And I do want to say good job to all of you who has made it threw w/d.  Reading some of the stories has given me encouragement and validated my fear :)
I'm a 38yr young female.  On here my name penny.  I'm married and have a home and a job.  All is write in the world.  So I thought.  2 years ago a doctor prescribed me norco for leg pain.  I thought it was great cuz now I can sleep and not hurt when I get up.  I was given 4 a day and sometimes took up to 6. This lasted for 1 half yr. In January I had a hysterectomy and decided this would be the best time to come off the norco (that I just found out it causes w/d) really I had no clue at the time what it could do to you and that it was addicting. :(  so after reading forms for several months,  I was preparing for the worst.   Not only was I tired from the Sergey.  I know at 5 weeks it would be time.  I detoxed almost 5 days.  Had the body achs, sweats, minimal bathroom brakes,  bad rls (didn't sleep much at all ). I finally told my husband before it started.  I cried and was so scared what he would think of me.  He is very closed minded to any form of drug for any reason.  He was kind and listened and said ok. That was that.  Now he knows what was to come.  Any way I was stupid and pickup up my script on the 5th day and Brock down and took one.  Then 2 on the next day.  Then went 3 days with out. I have been doing this on and off for the last few weeks.  This week I have been taking 3 sometimes 4 a day and I want to stop again but I can't Tell my husband again and I'm back to work. I can not miss any work.  I just had a long time off from surgery.  Im scared and want to quit and know I can if I put my mind to it.  I just need to find a way to do it with minimal withdrawals.  I'm brook down in tears and feel alone. I was thinking about trying to taper.  My husband is out of town for 3 weeks so he won't have to deal with my rls and I don't have to sleep on a couch.  I have to go to work. my job keeps me very busy and on my feet all day.  Do any of you think a taper will help?  

[penny1974]

I'm three days and at work doing good.  The mental part is the hardest by far.  I sometimes have little struggles in my mind but pushing through so far. I have been thinking about taking a have an ativan to help with some anxiety. It's not a regular med I take but it was prescribed.  I have only taken it a few time in the last 6 months.

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

How are you doing hun?

[Spike2654]

Hey girl, getting ready to sign off  for the night (no internet at my house), just wanted to send some extra encouragement to you for tonight. Evolver is so spot on and knows her stuff, I've learned SO MUCH from her and reading her posts/comments, I really, really, really hope you do some soul-searching like she said. I'm at six weeks clean today, cold turkey, and I know my journey is just beginning, but I want to just share something that I experienced, and maybe you are too, maybe not, so I apologize, but I had that "on the fence" mentality too and that like a recovering alcoholic needs to be "ok" around people that drink, I hear what you are saying on being around pills and not taking them...it's hard to be "final" about anything. Saying "I will NEVER have another pill in my entire life" will keep you holding on to that pill box in your purse just for that reason, the finality. The death of it. Don't think like that, if you get a chance, read through some of my comments to other people about how I'm learning to live for TODAY. we are not guaranteed tomorrow, and if I were only to live today, would I want my life to look like it does? there is no need to worry about how you are going to survive tomorrow, with or without pills, as it's not a guarantee. live in the moment, enjoy where you are at for that minute alone... every day that you wake up, focus on that day, focus on not needing pills that day.

also, I completely agree that the pills within your reach are going to make your wd period SOOOOO much worse, guarantee it. after the physicals, the mental game is a doozy, and the constant war in your head of knowing they are in your purse and fighting yourself to "prove" to yourself you don't need them will be exhausting. just toss 'em. rip off that Band-Aid (great analogy jewelzzz!) know in your head, there is no back-up, it's just get through the moment and enjoy the day for what it is.

have a great night, post away, ask away, we are all here for you!!

[penny1974]

Your post is insightful and truthful.  I want to cry and it is hard.  I'm so confused yet hopeful.  I'm a little emotional.  I'm headed home and I think I will have a good cry then read your post again.  I need to take steps.  Im working on not being stubborn and I wonder if that's why my husband hasn't said much or pushed and asked me questions.  If im told I can't do anything or shouldn't. sometimes I'll do it any way or be childishly up set for a day or two.  It's stupid I know (like I said I'm working on it)
Sometimes I get tired of always being responsable.  I know that sounds stupid also but it's true.  I do thank you all for helping and I know I need it. My parents have there own home.  But I see them a lot sometimes.

[EvolverU]

@ Jules, my mistake. You did it perfectly!

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

I think I was trying to post to both you and penny.

[EvolverU]

Penny,

I hear you & understand your reasoning but what you're doing is making your acute w/d's especially difficult.

Let me ask you something if I may:
If they're at home or at your folks home (not really clear if they live w/ you), why do you have to have them @ work? Discovering what what our real motivations are & being honest with ourselves (sometimes we don't even understand that we're not doing so!!) is like peeling back the layers of an onion one by one. Each layer is more & more honest & less 'confused'. I still catch myself trying to make excuses on occasion. This sort of soul-searching is key to winning the war your fighting & you'll have to get into the habit of being vigilant this way. And yes, in all honesty, I've got to say that hanging on to them is/will be a set up for failure sooner or later. What's really going on here (at least this is my read) is that you're on the fence. Are you committed? If so this is your first Big  test. I don't mean to push you but some times we need Clarity. I know you're scared but throwing them away will really help! I'm always afraid of saying this to people early on who are in your situation for fear of turning them off but it's the Truth & therefore, I'd be remiss in not stating it.:))

At a minimum in order to make this work, you'll have to flush those bad boys & cancel your 'scrip. I know..I know..scary but the alternative is scarier & will keep you in bondage & it will only get harder down the line. There's also your window of time while your husband is away. Let's make it work for you! It would be a shame if he came home & you still had to hide this away from him.

'Testing' yourself this way right now is counter-productive to say the least. I mean, would you demand that they remove the net the first time you attempted to walk across a tightrope successfully? (the net being the safety of not having the pills.)

I realize that you're really going through it right now & that what I'm saying might be aggravating but please, stay with us.

We're here & we're with you.

[penny1974]

I do understand that not having them around is the Wright thing. I'm a little stubborn and want to prove to myself that I can be around them and have them around without wanting them.  I don't know why I'm having a hard time letting them go :(  I haven't had any today or yesterday.  It has been hard and tempting.  They are in my purse in a pill box so I even hear them when my purse moves around.  But my parents also take them and I need to learn that I can be any were the pills may be and make good chooses and to be strong.  Does that make sense.  I truly hope I'm not seeing myself up for failure but I need to try this first.  I promised my self if I fail , I will redirect and take the extra steps.  I didn't taper though. I did just stop like suggested.  I love all the advice it has been wonderful to have the support.  Thank you. Today has been hard emotionally

[EvolverU]

Jules, who were you trying to post for? Let's try to figure this out. (You've doing great figuring out the site, btw.)

[Jewelzzzzzzzz]

Or return them to CVS like I did. Just chiming in here. I don't know how to redirect to my post but I think you might see how I did it. I'm only 2 weeks without but IM TWO WEEKS WITHOUT. You can do this. Dig down deep and pull from your strength. I went CT. I couldn't taper, I tried. I shut my doctor off. All the things that I did were definitely scary but empowering. Tapering is like slowly pulling a bandaid off, little pinches, little pulls, starts to hurt so you stop. When you just rip it off, it's off. It's over. You did it. Tie a knot in your rope and hang on. One thing I want to stress is LISTEN to the people on here. I was very naive to all this as well, I still am and everyone on here is guiding me. Best of luck to you. -Jules

[EvolverU]

Penny!

Great job. So proud of you:) It's a good sign that you were able to sleep last night & go to work today. You're truly on your way. It's natural to crave them & as spike says, we've all been there & know how you're feeling. You're already proving that you're stronger than you know!

I totally hear you on being 'divided' re: the pills. Your habit is telling you you're going to take one eventually & that you'd feel better if you did. Don''t listen, IT'S A LIE -- You don't need them!! Your habit wants you to fall & continue in the old negative self-reinforcing downward spiral of use/self-reproach/use. You Can do this, my friend. Stay in the moment & redirect when those urges come. Stay busy.

Okay, now for the elephant in the room! There's a warrior in you Penny that wants better for yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here! Are you ready to let her shine? Take those pills & let's have a 'flushing party'. It'll be such a relief & the temptation won't be quite so unbearable. What do you think?

Hang in there & as my friends above say, keep pushing!

We're here.

[Spike2654]

Great job posting here!! You CAN do this without any pills! Sorry for not posting earlier, but I am at work and we are really busy today. I just wanted to log in and send you some good thoughts and prayers! I'm thinking about you Mrs. Lucky Penny :) we have alllll been down, out, emotional, weak and feeling like crapola, but just take it minute by minute. Embrace it for what it is, it's the toxins leaving your body NEVER to return. I know you are struggling with the just taking one here and there, I just really hope that you will keep on pushing! That temporary "relief" you may feel is going to be gone in no time and then you're starting over again. We are all rooting for you, you WILL conquer this! Check in when you can!

[penny1974]

I slept last night.  And still no pills. I'm at work wanting one. I'm trying to stay moving and keep telling my self no.  I want to do thisn  On day 2.

[penny1974]

Thank you all so much.  I'm feeling a little emotional and my husband is gone and I know I need to do this write.   I truly commend every one here for your time.  I'm still learning how to navigate around.  I'm not very savvy with electronics .  Thank you again I'm going to check in again tomorrow

[VICourageous]

Just keep pushing..You came to far now to put any meds in you. If you have to have the Ativan I would suggest only one half of it.The Gabba should help you sleep..Other wise it takes TIME for the Brain wiring and the Body to Balance back from the removal of these Stims. If you can use more natural things you will give your self time to heal better. Make sure you drink plenty of water..Get some electrolyte powder to put in the water..Also protein shakes are great..Make sure you take all natural vit/min..This all will take time like I said..BUT it will be worth it in the long run. The detox is over in no time, the work begins when we are working on staying clean..I wish you the best.
Bless

[penny1974]

I'm going to try to go to bed soon.  I was going to try to taper but instead went all day with out and no plans on taking any.  30 hrs no pills.   Now I hope I can sleep.  I really want to make it threw tommorrow with out breaking down.

[penny1974]

So for me, I had said I needed to take it step by step.  My next step is nothing until bed time.  I will take my ambian and hope I can sleep.  But so far I don't want any pills.  Not even the gaba or ativan. I'm 26 hrs. I know it's not much but I'm good with it.  Off to watch a show and make dinner

[penny1974]

It's all good. I do understand.   It's hard because the logical part of me knows I need to quit.  I know it's the right thing.  But a pay off me says you can Handel it it.  It's okay because your not taking it all the time.  I struggle with thatthought. It *****.   I really need to make sure I sleep tonight. I have to be up early for work.   So I was thinking about taking an ativan.  I was going to taper off this week and next but I feel like I have made it this far maybe I should keep going.  And part of me thinks it would be okay if I only take one as part of tapering.  I'm so confused.  

[Spike2654]

Hey girl, GREAT JOB of making it through work without taking any!! No sad faces here, I wasn't trying to sound judgmental, so I apologize if I did, that wasn't my intention! We are here to support you!

[penny1974]

I'm all done at work.  I didn't take any.  I do have some :(  I only get them prescribed.  I do not get them from friends.  I have gotten then from my parents only a few times (with permission) they take them.  I know I need to get rid of them.  I will check in later I have to head home.  Thank you all so much for being here.

[IBKleen]

Penny, do you have pills with you? I'm just trying to understand what is going on and I came in late. Sorry about that.

[Spike2654]

Hi Penny! You got a lot of great advice on here! I just wanted to chime in real quick...I, too, HAD to work during wd, I work more than full time job at a very busy law firm, so I couldn't just hide somewhere, had to have the hair, makeup and dress to match a business environment. I will tell you that it was a night and day difference once I started the Thomas recipe. It does help with the triggers (10am time to take a pill), and set the vitamins/supplements around that if you need to. The Imodium reeeeeally helped, so if nothing else I urge you to look into this. It's all stuff you can buy at a store, no prescriptions needed.
I also agree with letting your husband read some of the posts on here. Most people who do not know about opiate addiction often have this stereotype of what an "addict" is, so not true. Many, many, MANY of us are on the same boat you are on, docked at the same shoreline. I had major spinal fusion surgery and every single pain pill/med I was given came from a legitimate prescription. Little did I know then how it would effect me now. I am married, have children, have a career and have a masters degree, I am NOT BETTER than anyone (not my point of saying this), we are all addicts here, we are all GOOD PEOPLE here regardless of our history, so maybe your husband could get some helpful information by reading posts on here.
I just hope that you get to a point where you understand how much life is better without the pills. I don't want you to set yourself up for failure by keeping some around for "just in case"...I assure you that there will ALWAYS be a reason to take the "just in case pills". Guaranteed. Most of us are successful by going off of them cold turkey as long as there aren't underlying health problems or are on high doses of meds that could cause seizures. Tapering does prolong the inevitable in my humble opinion. Someone posted about using the 3 weeks, I agree. Go off of them, it'll be rough the first week or so, then the next 2 weeks to get yourself an aftercare plan and be ready when hubs comes back. Just be done Penny! No more yo-yo'ing or having "what if" pills laying around. You can TOTALLY do this! We will be with you every step of the way! Get the Thomas Recipe ingredients, flush the remaining pills, let the doc know you're done, cut off any friends that may be giving some to you, deep breath, and then go enjoy your life!
Hugs, strength and prayers your way!  

[penny1974]

So it's a slow time at work and I keep talking myself out of taking a pill.  My last pill was yesterday around 3pm. And it will be 24hr in another hour half.  I sure am pacing a lot and practicing slow breathing.  

[EvolverU]

Either way, Penny. We're here. Please, know that. Let us know how it goes, okay? :))