Come Clean with Spouse or Not?

[Oxymoron35]

Guys, I post this heavy hearted and am really looking for some advice....  About 10 years ago I started my self medicating phase with alcohol and it grew to a point that in 2005 my wife called me out on it and I agreed to remain sober.  I was more of a binge alcoholic then drinking everyday. Could go months without drinking (and surprisingly was feeling good) I then replaced this addiction with food and gained about 55 lbs...  Oh and was I sober the whole time, no way, I would sneak drinks here or there and then lie about everything as we addicts do.   Well it pretty much remained alcohol until about 2013 when I got my hands on my first pain pills.   I took a few at first as prescribed until my Dr. referred me to a pain management clinic in March of last year who basically took my 30 5mg percocet prescription to 120 10mg percs a month.  Was like winning the lottery.  Well I still didn't take every day but I did love the way they made me feel and escape the enternal turmoil and pain that was caused by our dysfunctional marriage.  At about ths point we basically became roomates and co-parents.  I blame this on my selfish introvert decisions and actions around my addiction.  The pain pill addiction became worse (after I decided to sniff the oxy and percs) from about July 2014-October 2014.  If your read some of my threads I C/T fromt he PK's on a cruise back in October.  I remained 38 days cleaned before I relapsed and went in and got another script. Oh at this point I was buying off the street when I ran out and have prob spent 20k in 8 months on PK's and Benzos.  So I C/T's again in December while working which sucked but that lasted about 4 days as my addict brain said you can't go through the holidays sober so I got some more.  This lasted until the end of January.  During that time I came clean with my PCP who wasn't equipted to deal with this and reached out to my pain doc.  Of course my next pain doc appt they made it clear they would not offer me another narcotic.   Much to my dismay from reading I decided that perhaps a short suboxone stint would help to allevieat all the wd systems and stop the cravings.   The good news is that it did work and after 58 days on subs I am now 12 days clean.  I forgot to mention I left my pain mgmnt doctor and found a Psych dr who specializes in addiction and has his sub licesnes.  So we worked on a taper and it really worked, I had no real accute physical withdrawals but believe mu current fatigue, depression, lack of motivation, etc is the brain healing from the opiates.  So the Dr. prescribed me 20 klonopin to help sleep during my final taper and jump.  A normal person would hae just used that but no.... I also got my hands on Xanax and Ativan as I thought it was helping with the anxiety from being on pills.  So now I'm stuck in a benzo cycle (you can see my other thread)... Why couldn't I just use them as needed for sleep and now all I'd be dealing with is healing from the sub withdrawal.  Now I have to go back to my Psych Dr. tomorrow and tell him I have traded this for another addiction.  What is wrong with me?

So to the point.  Our marriage hasn't been bliss for the last 10 years as we've grown apart (I think due to my selfish and introverted actions of continued self medicating) and are on the verge of divorce.  This is with her NOT knowing anything about the pills, sub or benzos...   What do I do?  Can I get better on my own and ASAP and then worry about the harboring guilt or do I tell her everything and see what happens?  We have a 12 y/o son and 10 y/o daughter that mean the world to me.  I love my wife dearly and just want to get this behind me to start fresh.  Is that even possible?  Thanks for listening and for your advice.

[VICourageous]

I agree with DS.
Make her a big part of your recovery..You will not regret it.
Bless

[dominosarah]

I would tell her what you need too and let her know this is what you want to do with the rehab thing.  That way she will feel she is a part of this.  Let us know how things go.

[Oxymoron35]

Everyone,

Thank you so much for the support.  I've come to the 100% conclusion I am going to tell her everything.  I just can't decide if it should be after I talk with my Dr.s next week about detox and rehab or this weekend so she can be a part of those discussions.  What do you think?  Also I'm sure my Drs will have recommendations on both detox and rehab facilities but I'm curious if anyone has information on the best way to search for those?   This is not bragging but luckily we have good insurance and significant funds so selfishly I want as good a place as possible.

[dominosarah]

I think rehab would be a good choice as you want to taper off those benzo's.  You also need to get to the bottom of why you are using.

[VICourageous]

I agree with the above here.
Letting your wife know will let the biggest baggage off your shoulders. Then she just might end up being your Greatest Supporter.

I am just amazed on how much work and support it takes to stay clean. Over the past 2 yrs and over 6 months I have added, changed or Up"d my support because of many reason. One was the loss of my parents/parent-in-laws and my lil boy dog and other friends all in a 90 day period. That was SO hard not to go and drink or use. I kept on this site and my MH friends held my hand all the way as I journal. Then at 24m I found out I had 2 blocked arteries..Oh! Man the last 2yrs and so was strictly the BIGGEST challenge in my LIFE!! I just had to keep on with the SUPPORT! My HUB is one of the BIGGEST I had ever had since day one. He kept telling me to hang in it will take TIME! As a Addict we have NO Patience. He kept reminding me what the head dr said about my brain and that it will take around 2 yrs to fire back up. All those millions of wiring get all messed up..Neurotransmitters and so forth and so on. (I used/drank off and on for over 40yrs)..DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! But this is a progressive disease..

Also PLEASE stop those Benzo NOW!! I c/t off 3 drugs and one being a Benzo. It was a harder detox then if it was just the Methadone alone. It was no fun and each month seemed like a new layer was removed. SO now you should tell ALL, let it go and get into some Support groups.

We have that Pleasure part of the brain called the Mid-brain survival part. Once you feed into your Addiction it will remember any pleasure from before and off you go. This is why they say one is to many and thousand is not enough. The brain takes over and the survival instincts think of nothing but where to get the next high..Not food, water or even sex, just that next buzz..This is why AA/NA say that we live to use and use to live..Get that Support you need..More the better!!!!!!.

I wish you the best and YES tell the Wife! I seen it one here for yrs when they are afraid to tell their other half. When they DO, they are so happy they did..Oh what a relief you can get..Hahaha
Bless

[weaver71]

There is some of that all-or-nothing, either/or thinking. Even if you physically heal, you will live eternity in guilt and shame. There are other possibilities. How about you get free and find your experience has produced a whole new perspective you can't see now. Maybe like me, you will be grateful for your addiction and recovery. You also disqualify all the good that comes from this new life of honesty, because a fear that you won't get over it. Think of it like something you did as a teen, you probably remember something embarrassing. Well, time and new memories replace the old guilt and shame. You can't feel it right now, but I am here to bare witness that you will not regret anything in the past. The new you will look back on the shameful you of today and laugh, grateful for the humility and willingness you are learning right now. Don't let the drugs illude you, millions of people will tell you there is life after drugs. Let us believe for you until you feel it too. Just do what it takes, don't fear sobriety. You and those who Iove you are worth it.