Come Clean with Spouse or Not?

[Oxymoron35]

Guys, I post this heavy hearted and am really looking for some advice....  About 10 years ago I started my self medicating phase with alcohol and it grew to a point that in 2005 my wife called me out on it and I agreed to remain sober.  I was more of a binge alcoholic then drinking everyday. Could go months without drinking (and surprisingly was feeling good) I then replaced this addiction with food and gained about 55 lbs...  Oh and was I sober the whole time, no way, I would sneak drinks here or there and then lie about everything as we addicts do.   Well it pretty much remained alcohol until about 2013 when I got my hands on my first pain pills.   I took a few at first as prescribed until my Dr. referred me to a pain management clinic in March of last year who basically took my 30 5mg percocet prescription to 120 10mg percs a month.  Was like winning the lottery.  Well I still didn't take every day but I did love the way they made me feel and escape the enternal turmoil and pain that was caused by our dysfunctional marriage.  At about ths point we basically became roomates and co-parents.  I blame this on my selfish introvert decisions and actions around my addiction.  The pain pill addiction became worse (after I decided to sniff the oxy and percs) from about July 2014-October 2014.  If your read some of my threads I C/T fromt he PK's on a cruise back in October.  I remained 38 days cleaned before I relapsed and went in and got another script. Oh at this point I was buying off the street when I ran out and have prob spent 20k in 8 months on PK's and Benzos.  So I C/T's again in December while working which sucked but that lasted about 4 days as my addict brain said you can't go through the holidays sober so I got some more.  This lasted until the end of January.  During that time I came clean with my PCP who wasn't equipted to deal with this and reached out to my pain doc.  Of course my next pain doc appt they made it clear they would not offer me another narcotic.   Much to my dismay from reading I decided that perhaps a short suboxone stint would help to allevieat all the wd systems and stop the cravings.   The good news is that it did work and after 58 days on subs I am now 12 days clean.  I forgot to mention I left my pain mgmnt doctor and found a Psych dr who specializes in addiction and has his sub licesnes.  So we worked on a taper and it really worked, I had no real accute physical withdrawals but believe mu current fatigue, depression, lack of motivation, etc is the brain healing from the opiates.  So the Dr. prescribed me 20 klonopin to help sleep during my final taper and jump.  A normal person would hae just used that but no.... I also got my hands on Xanax and Ativan as I thought it was helping with the anxiety from being on pills.  So now I'm stuck in a benzo cycle (you can see my other thread)... Why couldn't I just use them as needed for sleep and now all I'd be dealing with is healing from the sub withdrawal.  Now I have to go back to my Psych Dr. tomorrow and tell him I have traded this for another addiction.  What is wrong with me?

So to the point.  Our marriage hasn't been bliss for the last 10 years as we've grown apart (I think due to my selfish and introverted actions of continued self medicating) and are on the verge of divorce.  This is with her NOT knowing anything about the pills, sub or benzos...   What do I do?  Can I get better on my own and ASAP and then worry about the harboring guilt or do I tell her everything and see what happens?  We have a 12 y/o son and 10 y/o daughter that mean the world to me.  I love my wife dearly and just want to get this behind me to start fresh.  Is that even possible?  Thanks for listening and for your advice.

[Krissy_123]

You said she already doesn't trust you because of the drinking....look at the honesty it will take to tell her this. Of she loves you,she's going to appreciate you coming clean. (Pun intended) not telling her is the same as lying really. You don't want that with this fresh start. Plus it's so so hard to go through this alone. Let her be there for you.

[Readytolive31]

I would definitely tell her if I was you. When I was in active addiction I was queen liar to my husband and when I finally came clean and told him everything I felt a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders. Like you and your wife we were on the brink of divorce and I thought for sure it would be the end of us, but it's been almost a year and a half and we are still married. Of course things aren't always perfect, but all he expects is the truth and he told me that things could've been easier if I had just been honest with him. I'm sure she knows something is going on with you because we think we hide it, but we don't. Good luck in whatever way you choose!

[BearsFan1966]

I do believe some of what you are feeling is due to the lying and it makes the anxiety much worse. If you do tell her let her know that you have reached out on this site and are doing all the steps to get back to being you. If you let her know you are doing this for you, and your children it may make her really believe in you again! We never know until we try and also is living a lie really living? That is what I told myself, I could do this on my own but would I ever really be free?? Now I hold myself accountable for the promises I made to my husband and my children! PM me any time you just need to vent I find it really helps me!
14 Days is huge my friend! I am sure she already sees a change in you and maybe telling her will help her. You never know maybe she thinks she is the problem? Just some food for thought!
Keep strong!

[Oxymoron35]

Thanks for all the comments guys.  I have a Dr.s appt next week and I'm thinking about his advice on an inpatient rehap.  Since I used benzos to help with the sub withdrawal I'm now addicted to those to try to help me cope with the guilt and shame.  You are all right.  Is living a life of lying really living?  I mean I think that "once" I'm myself again I can turn in to the man she fell in love with and all this will be behind us.  But I will always harbor this guilt and shame so in reality even if I could pull of a miraculous benzo taper w/o withdrawal and all of a sudden stop feeling bad and whammo, I'm myself again...  Would it be worth living the rest of my life with this on my chest?  I have a therapist appt Monday and my psych Dr. Tues who has helped me get of subs and will be none too pleased to hear about the swith to benzos.  Which I don't really like at all but am taking them to get through the anxiety and depression coming off of the opiates and the burden I carry of this secret.  My "hope" is that this blatant honesty will restore somewhat of some faith in be by her and you never know, maybe she will want to stay with me once I'm through this journey.  But I am thinking rehab (inpatient) in the near term is my option and there is no hiding that!  Appreciate all the feedback.

[dominosarah]

Our secrets keep us sick.  If you want a healthy relationship she has every right to know.  She will more than likely be upset and rightfully so.  Reassure her you love her and want to work thru this.  Has she ever been to Alanon?  That would really help her while you are working on you.

[Oxymoron35]

No she has never been to Alanon.. Even though I had a drinking problem, it was more of a binge drinking and hiding it.  I justified that by not having to go to AA because I wasn't drinking everyday.  I promised to quit and over the years delved back into binge drinking every now and then and "hid" my escapades the best I could.  In all honesty I'm at the point that I'm not in control of this...  I'm going to tell her in the next few days EVERYTHING.  I'm also going to talk to my Dr. about rehab options.  I've already talked to my very supportive boss who says my job is safe until I get healthy.  I really think going to detox off the benzos and then doing group, etc. inpatient is my wisest choice.  What do you guys think?  Obviously I will have to tell her if I choose rehab ;-)