Comfortability around others....

[MikeInFrance]

In my head and in my gut I believe I have passed the hardcore part of detox and recovery. Feel free to agree or disagree but it's how i feel. The physical was hard and the mental aspect of it continues. Work must continue for sure but I can deal alot better with issues popping up every now and then compared to the first week of detox that was basically all bad! Get what I mean? Come out on the other side of the hard physical part at the beginning and you'll be harder physically in the end. After sleep being an issue for weeks I do sleep well each night now. Not like before before but definately getting straight back to back hour after hour in. Its a huge accomplishment for me cuz I function so much better now bcause of it. So what's this (un)comfortability thing ..... I am really social... Friends are always inviting me somewhere to this or that event, birthdays, anniversaries, dinners,  etc. I almost always go......but and  I never did this before but now as I get ready to go somewhere i have some type 'dreading to go'  feeling that creeps up and it's directly related to being around so many people I know at once.  I love to smile and laugh and I always do but it has to be real for me and has to be felt. Put me in a room with a hundred people idk and I have no problem....but around people I know.... Or more accurate would be to say ...around people that know me .... And I get almost this selfconscious feeling.  I can play the role if if I have to but it's that inner uncomfortability at times that p.sses me off. Probably exacerbated by the fact that subconsciously I think they see something different in me and just don't want to say anything. That's how I know I am still fighting  this fight with you all. I am so ready to call a cease fire between me and these feelings. They don't hold me down and they don't affect my everyday life but by the same token they like to stick around and poke me every now and then. Kinda like "we're still sour at you for cutting us off" but it gets better.... Know why? Cuz I refuse to take a step back! I will stop in my tracks, plant my feet firmly on the ground before I step back....failure is never an option for me! Simply put it just isn't!

[bama88]

Hey mike..this reafirms your human...and i THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPERMAN..hahaha..i promise this will work itself out

[detox1978]

by the way mike i've enjoyed some of your posts these past 14 days. i kinda have a song i've listened to religiously over the past 14 days. it's and old song by a band named a perfect circle called brena. birth of a new tree / new life....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX39uHKAZHo&feature=player_embedded

[bama88]

I always enjoy what you write mike..its thought provoking and smart..

i agree with Kyle. we have to relearn everything. we have to readjust to clean living and clean fun. I remember going to a social outing and out of now where a Huge panic attack. i too feel out of place..out of touch. when we were high for such a long period of time we became more and more detached from people. we enclosed ourselves in a bubble. lived in our own world. we lost social skills. rhats why meetings are so important. it provides a safe environment to meet other people. learn with other people. share with other people. talk...

I had a hard time of feeling ok around my friends for a little over two months. i didnt relate to them yet. i didnt like going out. it felt like a chore...a dreaded chore.

I felt like everyone could read my mind. i felt like they talked behind my back...oh i relate.

The chemical imbalance that opiates do is somethimg. compoumded by the habitual factor. humans are creatures of habit. it takes 90 days to start a habit or break one. so rest assured this too will work out....hang in there youll see

[rizboy]

(explain in words)

[rizboy]

you have a way with words,you can describe how i feel perfectly(dont want to sound weird!!),but unlike you i cant always full explain in .Well done keep moving those trenches forward.

[MikeInFrance]

Cool to hear kyle! The reasonable part of me knows and understands it takes time and work to get myself back on point. The rest of me wants it ....not now... But yesterday! Patience is a virtue. . So true!

[kyle505]

Mike:
I am in my 47th day clean...I feel great, sleeping great, but - the social thing is still problematic for me because during the past ten or more years whenever there was anything big socially - weddings, birthdays, family reunions, even vacations - I'd ALWAYS manage to get just enough vics or Norco to cover the event. So, I associate every aspect of a social occasion with popping as many pills as I could get my hands on. Shower, shave, clean clothes, pop pills.
I realize that I will have to re-learn how to enjoy myself at these gatherings, events, without the meds. I'm trying to start as slow as I can. I've been to two parties thus far; a little uncomfortable at first, but both have turned out very good. Check parties - on to the next big thing.

[MikeInFrance]

Detox ...u just broke it down exactly right! Its that feeling of almost not fitting in but the craziest sh.t is that I do fit in and there are absolutely no indications from anyone that I don't. It's in me. It's completely self-made. So knowing that ...why do I allow it to get at me? That's what I am coming to terms with now. And I swear on everything I love in life that taking that first pill , even having the idea to take it ,  was the single worst act I've done and deciding to stop is the single best!  This stuff is hardcore and if the wd's didn't scare the addict outta me for good,  these mental changes are surely locking the door on his azz! I always prided myself on my intelligence and ability to problem solve, analyze situations, etc and if I now have to struggle with any of those then imagine another day of using , another month , another year and the ramifications that come along with it. I was making myself retarded by abusing this. What a great high huh?

[detox1978]

i feel the same way even though only at day 14 i do feel what you mean. kinda like i'm sitting at a table with some friends once i finally get myself the push to due so, and what i find is i almost feel like i'm looking threw them because i'm constantly wondering am i responding the same way they've seen me all these years, do they look at me different. when they laugh i kinda give a smirk as if pushing myself to do so, i almost feel like i don't fit in. i don't feel as happy or like myself,"as i was before my addiction". my addiction to opiates has forever changed me and i can only hope that someday soon i will feel comfortable in my own skin again as the new me, the clean me.

[MikeInFrance]

I feel what your saying laurel... For sure! Amd nobody says I am different or acting different and I have even asked some people if they notice any changes in me in the last couple months and it's always no or you look healthier...but I was so looking for an answer about personality, attitude, etc. None of my everyday friends really know what happened to me this last year. and I imagine , at least for the time being, it will stay that way. It has to. It has alot to do business and things of that nature. It's nothing to do with trusting friends it's more to do with everyday life making another fast change and something i don't want right now, if I ever do.  Again this doesn't hold me back from anything and it doesn't make me question being clean. I can honestly say I haven't had craving 1 since i started staying clean. I attribute that to attitude and staying focussed. So what this thing does to me is just nags at me at certain times and I am just trying to really understand it so I can begin to work on it.

[laurel453]

Don't be afraid of making changes if you have to, Mike... i used to go out much, much more before quitting.. You don't have to play a role, just be you , don't feel any  pressure to be the old Mike.... just protect who you are now being clean... If the others tell you are that you are different, tell them that maybe yes, you are different but you are ok, don't try to be a person you are not now.