Conflicted and Confused

[andreaandkids]

I'm new to this site. I just want to say that everyone's story is very close if not exactly what I've been going through. I've been on Norco's for about 2 years, it amazes me how quickly the addiction begins. I remember starting with just one a day, now I'm up to 10-12 a day. I feel so embarrassed! It is hard for me to admit it, I try to justify it everyday I take them. My doctor has prescribed me 150 pills a month, needless to say that does not last a whole month. I want to quit, in fact now is probably a good time because I'm on day 3 of withdrawals. I have severe allergies that give me migraine type headaches. I'm afraid of the pain from the headaches and sit and think what am I going to do? How am I going to feel better? I've tried to have my mom keep them, but she would give them to my sister (who is also addicted to Vicodine, Norcos, and Ambien). Then I tried a locked box, this seemed to work a bit but eventually it was no use. I've tried giving my dad the lock box, but I had access to his "mancave", again useless. I guess I'm wondering if there is a happy medium, okay so this may be a stupid question. I see people out and about, people on tv and think "wow they look so happy, they have such energy, and look like they enjoy life" I want that! I feel like the people on the migraine commercials. Maybe this is the withdrawals talking. I have such anxiety thinking about completely cutting myself off from the Norcos. It scares my mom because my brother died at the age of 36 from using drugs while having Congestive Heart Failure. My mom and one of my sisters are the only ones that don't have addictions. It comes from my dads side of the family I guess. My dad is an alcoholic, my brother meth, alcohol, pot, and whatever else he could get his hands on. My little sister is the one mentioned above, the funny thing is my little sister and I both live at home with my parents, thanks to this economy, so it's not the easiest of places to try to be sober. I want to try one more time to see if I can control this, I'm thinking about having the combination changed on the lock box so that my father is the only one that has it and have him dispense my daily allowance. I've found that I package my daily pills in little baggies I bought and it is wonderful, I just one baggie out and I don't have to worry about dispensing them twice a day to myself (anti depressants, gagnabetin, prilosec). I know I've been rambling on, but it feels so good to get this off my chest. Please feel free to tell me how stupid my plan sounds, or if someone has any suggestions. I guess I just want to feel normal!

[YesLife4Me]

Oh..and my favorite was "I will be there soon".  My definition of soon and there's seemed to be gravely different!  LOL!!  

[YesLife4Me]

The things we do to get pills, get out of or avoid withdraw is insane!!   I would drive for miles in horrid weather, sit in dark parking lots for what seemed like hours, obsess over my phone everytime it went off to see if it was one of my sources contacting me or a refill was ready.  What insanity!  And it started just like the original poster.  I'm not even sure to this day for sure how I got 'sources'.  I'm sure it came up in conversation that someone was taking something and they gave me a couple and told me they could get me more, and then I was out of control.  Between my scrip of 150 pills and my sources I thought I had it made!   Until you call your source and they come up dry in between refills.  Yikes!  

[VICourageous]

Hi All of the above is sooo true. I too started out with the hydo/oxys tried to do it myself and did not last long. Someone gave me a methedone oh wow I just need one methedone instead of a 100 hydo/oxy RIGHT !!!! It lead to Dr shop, driving miles to get, buming from friends then pay back when I got scrip. This all was a wild ride to become real addicted for 12 yrs. Plus adding other drugs to make dones last.....I too would give my pills to my husband or mom. I could sniff them out and find them anywhere.
From my experience and I am not a DR but if you are three days clean I would just ride the wave we all did it and are here to share are story. You can keep posting as you go threw a ol w/d and we can help with all the things we use during and after. Speaking of after, Support groups are great. This keeps your mind off the drugs for awhile but you will hear storys that will make yours a walk in the park. We can not have control of are meds, be around any body who uses (triggers) It becomes a New World and New Life free of drugs...This is my story and I am sticking to it...
Oh yea I would watch TV or go into stores and wish I could have the light in my soul back...
IT CAN BE DONE....
vickie

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

Once we cross that line into addiction control is gone.  You are in a tough spot also due to your living arrangements.  Hopefully that can change for you.  You need to get honest with your doctor and tell him what is going on.  Cutting off our sources is very important.  You may experience rebound pain for awhile.  It is our brains way of playing games.  You are doing great with being 3 days off the meds.  Stick close to the forum as we are here to support you.

[YesLife4Me]

Hi and Welcome!   Your story isn't uncommon.  I used to sit on the couch and wonder what it was like to feel normal.  Whatever that is.  LOL!   It starts with using what is prescribed and as tolerance builds the amount we use is more.  Next thing you know it is uh oh..I'm almost out and I have X amount of time until a refill.  It's a terrible cycle and I would suggest right now is the time to break it since you are already 3 days into withdraw.  In another day or two you should start feeling physically better.  It's the mental battle afterwards that is the hardest since the opiates have depleted our seratonin and dopamine levels.  Have you talked to your Dr about this?  This is not something new or unheard of to them.  Tell your Dr that you have got a problem with the meds and it got our of control and you would like some help getting off them.  They may suggest a taper plan or give you some meds to help ease the wd.  Either way, since you have a problem with being able to take them as prescribed or as needed, I hate to say this, but you won't be able to get back to taking them like you are thinking unless you have a very strong gatekeeper to your meds.   And even then, you will want more or have wd symptoms while trying to taper which will make you want more to ease the wd.  I know because I have tried that method and I would always find the meds.  I would tear the house apart, pick the locks, etc.  There is life after the pain meds and you have to walk through the mess of wd to get there, but it's worth it on the other side.  We can help you get there...the great people here helped me!  By the way how long until your next Dr. appointment?