DAY 30 TODAY & I RELAPSED

[Beenerkitty]

today would have been 30 days clean from vicodin and percs. today i relapsed. this f-ing addiction got the better of me and i let it. God i cant believe this. the mental and cravings are the hardest part of this addiction, and i thought i was going to die from the physical withdrawals. the mental is what will kill you. the thing is for a fleeting moment i felt good again-i felt like i could do my job and handle anything that was thrown my way-i even voluntered to pick up patients. i felt motivated again-i havent felt motivated for a month. why why why cant i feel like that naturally. why cant i be one of those healthy happy people you see walking around all the time and you think to yourself-why the f$%# are you so damm happy. im on anti depressants. i just dont know. my week started off crappy as i was woke up to my cat having a massive seizure. the weather is crappy here too-dark rainy and gloomy. i also engaged in some behavior this week with some guy i met-in my mind it was like i was getting back at my ex for cheating on me. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???????because of that behavior i feel like ***** or **** now. thats not me-i wasnt even doing drugs-so how do i justify that in my sick mind. i dont know what to do now. where do i go from here. today i only felt the good things the drugs did to me. i didnt feel or think of all the negative impacts it has on me. i just wanted to forget. i just wanted to feel normal again. but what is normal anymore. i just dont know. please any thoughts or suggestions would really help now.

[worried878]

there is probably not one  person here that hasnt messed up..dont reach a bottom like u say..i never did either..but sometimes just knowing where u r heading is bottom enuf for some..feeling bad about urself even tho we never really lost anything..we were losing ourself tho and that is important...and supplies of pills go away...they r free right now but things change..then u r stuck with ur addiction and the trouble starts...even relying on a dr for pills is not a good idea cos things happen with them as well....if u want to wait til u lose alot before u quit then u may have to do that as some do...but u know this stuff lead no where...simply no where and u have gotta give it 90 days...and go to meetings/give it a true shot...be safe and keep posting

[cris385]

I made that " I just wanna feel normal again" comment to My fiance once...

He then  asked me... "So your lazy, feel like ****, and you dont wanna go to work or do the laundry?''

"ya" I said



"well then there ya go... That is normal!" He said :-)


I hope that gives you a chuckle...



What has helped me more than ANYTHING with my recovery is a book called " Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" This book REALLY helped me with the mental part of my hydro addiction!!!!!! I wish you all the luck in the world darlin' !!!!!!

[Shelwoy]

Do not feel as if you failed in any way. Relapse is part of recovery. It's what you do now that counts... Get back up and keep going.
It could take months to get back to pre-opiate mindset- that is why it is suggested to get into some support or therapy. Your brain receptors are out of whack, it takes longer than you realize to repair that!! Hang in there!

[dominosarah]

Dont beat yourself up.......You can do this.  Come out fighting         sara

[genevive333]

I too suffer from depression, prescrtibed strong narcs for RA, fibrom. I know opiates seem to help w depress but they only maka u more depress cause they ruin the way the brain is wired,
learned the hard way.wake up this morning, get someone to get you the thomas recp and amino protocol, someone said ONE PILL IS TOO MANY AND 10,000 NOT ENOUGH, AND U KNOW THAT God bless u. hang tight

[eringobragh]

Get ack up and do it again. its your life...and its so worth it!

[newgirl286]

Yes...  don't give up!  The thomas recipe and amino acid protocol really helped out after the first couple weeks.   It takes a while to feel better but you will.  Opiates can only bring you down in the end.

[Beenerkitty]

i quit using drugs because they were turning on me. i was having to use more and more to get that "good" feeling i felt when i first started taking them. i never hit a bottom so to speak-but i know that i was headed that way. my underlying condition and the reson i stared taking them is depression. i was putting my job and liscense at stake. ive i would have been caught id of lost everything.in the beginning i loved how i felt. at the end i didnt feel that way and my usage was growing. i didnt have to pay anything for the pills and never ended up spending any money for them.but at the same time i just didnt care what i spent my money on and was reckless-causing me to fall behind in my bills.i didnt want to live in fear anymore and always felt like i had a dark cloud hanging over my head. i thought that would lift when i stopped taking them but it didnt and it felt like it was getting worse. thus the relapse.i guess too i feel quilty as the addiction did not ruin my life like some others on here. i did not lose everything. i guess sometimes i feel like i have too to be a true addict. i messed up today. im taking it hard too.

Bkitty

[boogieman]

hi there. you did accomplish 29 days then. that is progress compared to zero days. that's what this thing is about---progress. a relapse is like any other mistake, you can make it a good thing if you learn from it. if you aren't doing it yet, find some meetings. i'd be glad to give you contact info, etc. for your area, just ask. take care,  gm

[worried878]

relapse is almost a scheduled part of this whole getting clean business..there r few here who did not cave at least once after quitting..it happens, not a great thing to do but it is part of recovery..work9ing on triggers/the things that triggered our using, are things u need to work on...counseling or meetings can help..when i was bout 2 weeks clean my triggers came blasting at me like bolts of lightning..then i knew what they were and i really never knew that this particular trigger was eating me up inside..it was my x-husband and our divorce many years ago and I had no idea I was still carrying this around with me..I have worked on it now tho and I do believe I have worked thru it..u gotta want this and know that abuse solves nothing and only creates pain and suffering

what were the reasons u quit?  Things must not have been hunky dory or u would not have stopped unless u were forced to stop...can u tell us the reasons why u quit?

[Beenerkitty]

thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions and all of the support. im going to tuck myself in bed tonight and wake up tomm and pick myself up and start over.ill keep everyone posted on how the next few days unfold. thanks again
Bkitty

[newgirl286]

A month really isn't long enough to start feeling better, it took me 90 tough days to begin to really start feeling better.  Start feeling like a normal, happy person...  whatever that is...  It's okay you fell but don't give up yet.  Your physical withdrawals shouldn't be so bad since you've been clean for a month but opiate mess up your brain chemistry and that is why your brain needs about 90 days to heal and start working without the opiates.  Good luck and I hope for your sake that you don't take anymore pills tomorrow.  

[outotown]

OK you slipped and fell, now what next, lay down and quit or get up and kick some addiction butt, Its not how hard or how far you fell, but how you get up. I fell at a little over 30 days it takes time to relearn how to live sober. The worse thing you can do is beat yourself up, we have enough to fight without fighting ourselves.

[buprenex]

Well, first thing is to accept relapse is part of the deal. Then people do take drugs because they are not liking how they feel without them. So you are onto what feelings you do not like and so then you can work with/on them. Did not say this was easy, no it is not!  So you had a fantasy, so what, it that does not mean you are any particular way. That all normal stuff. Figure out where you are at, how addcited you are at what level and make a plan to get back off. You now have more expirence which will help you this time around. 30 days is an accomplishment you should not understimate and give yourself credit. Okay!

[tomskat]

hey girl...hang in there. stop being so hard on yourself about everything. just pick yourself up and start over. Yes, again. we've all been there before-you can do it. you've done it before. we're all here for you, read post,journals.definately listen to gizzy and flush your pills!! the mental is what gets me too.it'll be o.k.anti depressants (i'm on em too) sometimes i think mask how we really are feeling especially while trying to styay/get clean,y'know? anyways....stay strong==anne

[Ella789]

Yes, the mental is really tough, seems like it just takes time.  Just keep on going, it'll be okay.
Hugs

Ella

[cathy5841]

hi beener, dont beat yourself up.  it is what it is.  you can do this.  dust yourself off and stop taking the pills.  you control your destiny....it takes more than 30 days to get your energy and your mind back to reality.  what are you doing about your aftercare.  getting clean is the easy part..staying clean takes work..if you had cancer you would take treatment right?  you gotta treat addiction aggressively.  you CAN do this...keep posting.

[gizzy32]

Relapses do happen and i hope you learned something through this. You have been through a lot so don't beat yourself up, you have come a long way so put an end to this quick and get back up and start over. Many relapses happen around a month so like mentioned above look into PAWS. I know you hear this a lot, but it takes time to recover after quitting. The mental battle and learning how to cope sober is very difficult, but we learn as we go and it gets so much better. Hang in there girl and please toss the pills if you have any left.

[TrayCee]

it happends, dont be so hard on yourself.  The physical wd's are actaully the easy part, as twisted as that sounds..its true!

Google PAWS.

Good Luck!