Dating a crack addict

[overwhelmedinVA]

Just looking at the title of this question really throws me into reality. I met this man while he was in recovery but it wasn't long before he began to go back "out". He helped me through some rough times and when I lost my home allowed me a place to stay. He would go on "binges" for one night a week. Always leaving at night and coming back I guess when his money was gone. He has not been able to hold a job due to pain he acquired as an ironworker so he decided to go back to school. He goes to classes, does not even miss a class; and his professors think he quite an educated man. He puts on a good front. His grades are very good. (And, yes, I do offer help.) I have never, ever given his money for his habit and absolutely refuse to. When he stopped going on the binges, he replaced with pills (opiates, pain pills, adderall) which drove me absolutely nuts watching the cycle go on for weeks until that supply ran out as well.  It has been 8 months away from the crack binges but last week he got his grant money and guess what happened... off the races... self-will running wild. He even sold a ring he had given me the night before for crack. No big deal for me. I knew I was coming to the end of my relationship from him but I'm in a financial situation whereby I cannot move out and have no family to help me out. My job is great; my kids are great. My mind however is lost. When he uses I can't sleep; I can't concentrate; I have a business I'm trying to start and can't concentrate enough to get it launched. Last week, of course, he confided in me that he was sorry, felt guilty, remorseful. Told me he would go back to NA meetings. He went to two. He does not trust the people in NA fearing their too judgmental. I knew this would happen as well - it has been his pattern. This week again on Wednesday night he was gone from 9pm until 6am. And, of course, I did not sleep at all. He tried calling me all day yesterday and I refused all the calls. I feel like I really have to end this friendship/relationship.  I know I'm doing the right thing. I guess what I'm looking for is the validation that I'm doing the right thing.

[dominosarah]

Release away!!  You have every right to be selfish in a healthy way.  I am heading to work right now but will be on later.  Keep talking to us........sara

[overwhelmedinVA]

I am so glad I found this forum. I did need to lighten the burden. I've been holding it in for so long and I'm sure this will help me focus on making the right decision. I have many friends that are in recovery and I do know it can be done - with vigilance, a change in perspective and friends, and a Higher Power - whatever that may be for them. I've looked up a Nar-Anon meeting in my area and I plan on going while I'm still living there so I can keep my focus in the right area. To be honest, I already feel the love and feelings I had for him have drained away.  There is only so much one person can take and like I previously said - thinking of where he might go and people he considers "friends" right now make me queasy.  It's as if I feel like I need to take a shower... it makes me feel dirty. I do not want to be intimate with him for fear of where he may have been.  Is that wrong as well?  He knows that he needs to get clean but so many other people enable him, it is sad to see.  Like I said, I have never given him any money. I may buy him cigarettes or a Pepsi but that is all I do. I cannot afford to give up the money I work hard for because my main financial priority is my children. I literally go without food sometimes so I can save a little more for the nights I have with my children (my babies and true inspiration). The other sad thing is that since he does not exhibit that behavior in front of them - they absolutely adore him. They treat as if he were an uncle.  

Wow... I am really releasing very much on here... I'm sorry for being so lengthy.

[overwhelmedinVA]

"Imagine doing all you are doing for him and then one day he decides to move on or just disappear and then you'll regret giving him so much effort and time when you could of been working on yourself."

This is so accurate as well and my perfect relationship DOES NOT involve crack. I cannot afford that as I've got 5 children - ages 7, 9, 10, 11 and 19. The youngest four live with my ex half the time since I cannot afford a place of my own. So, really my motivation should be to get out of there because as soon as I do the little ones can stay with me any time they want.

And I have not thought about what you mentioned in that he is being selfish but where is my selfishness right now. I'm the important one and I need to remember that. He will do what he wants, when he wants. And I sincerely show him respect. All I ever do is work and see my kids. The rest of my free time is spent at home - mostly helping him learn the computer for his classes. (More of "me" neglecting "me".)

I need to wake up, don't I?

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I just wanted you to know that everything that you are feeling is justified. It is confusing when you care about a drug addict. Their behavior is confusing. Crack is one of those drugs that takes the person completely. He doesn't mean to hurt you and act the way he does but he has no choice when he in the grips of it.

I think you know what you have to do. I am glad you came here and talked about it, if for nothing else than to lighten the burden.

Let us know what you decide and we will be here to support you.

[overwhelmedinVA]

You got it Sarah! I do feel a bit "down" - well, not just a bit. I got involved with him about a year and a half after my marriage ended. I had not dated anyone since my marriage had ended. He was kind, sweet - all that mushy stuff and we really did "connect". I guess I've tolerated it because  I have never really "seen" it. He always uses at a hotel somewhere and we do not share rooms so I always have my sanctuary - my own room. But I've been doing some research on the internet about crack addiction and the things I've read and seen make me feel very uneasy. I've never been around anything like this and I do not want to continue feeling like he could change. And I know it would take his complete surrender.

[dominosarah]

I know what you meant!!  You have to decide if this relationship is worth riding out or not.  It is easy for us to say things to you but living it is another story.  That i know all too well also.  The air you are breathing is suffocating you right now isnt it?  Was he a rebound after your marriage?  It took me quite awhile to realize that happiness comes from within, not from someone else.  I have a feeling you feel beat down right now and are lacking the self confidence to make it on your own.

[Kateygirl32]

You need to do what's best for you. All he cares about is the drugs and right now all you are is something he can fall back on. Imagine doing all you are doing for him and then one day he decides to move on or just disappear and then you'll regret giving him so much effort and time when you could of been working on yourself. You are better than him and the drugs that he is in a relationship with...when you think about that perfect guy that you want to spend your life with i'm sure crack isn't in the picture. I know it is hard to give up someone you love and care for but in this case you need to be selfish and think about yourself cuz that is exactly what he is doing.

[overwhelmedinVA]

I hope I did not come across as crass when I said "I know all of that" - that is not how I meant it to sound. Being that I've lived in this chaos I really have no one to blame for my feelings in this situation... I've know it; I've lived it and yet, I still continue with it. Part of it comes from the fact, and I've seen this written so many times on the threads that I've read, that he really is  the kindest, sweetest man I've ever met and after a particularly grueling and horrible marriage meeting him was a breath of fresh air. But now the air has become difficult to breathe in and I must be strong from what I've learned.

Thank you again...

[overwhelmedinVA]

Thank you for your comment.  I have been through this so long I know all of that and it is a matter of me having the courage and following through with a boundary and a decision that I have made. As far as my business I've been pushing aside... I am lucky enough to work at a place that is offering me the freedom to run this business from my current office so that I can make the extra I need in order to move on.  I have to not fall for all the "I'm sorries; I'll quit; I love you's"... because I now realize it all has to do with the unfortunate manipulation to keep me around.

[dominosarah]

You need to save yourself now as you know he isnt going to change until he is ready too.  You said you are starting a business and living with this insanity is going to be hard to do.  This isnt a healthy environment for you or your children.  Check with some agencies in your area.  Where theres a will there's a way.  I hope he will get the help he needs but right now this is about you.....Focus on what you want and stop at nothing to achieve this~~~sara