Day 5 and I hate EVERYTHING.

[jeannine1976]

I turned the corner last night. I slept for nine hours, had the energy this morning to work in the yard, clean the house, and even make bread. I'm generally acheless, my tummy's calm, no chills or other w/d related weirdness.

But last night my husband picked up his hydrocodone prescription.

It's not in the house. He's keeping it at work and only bringing one or two home at night for him if he needs pain management. But it doesn't matter. As soon as my brain knew he had them, my back started to hurt like crazy. Or at least I think it did. My brain's playing tricks on me. I can't trust myself.

When I know I can't get any, I'm calm and even happyish. But when the hydros are in my world, even in an indirect way, I get crabby and sullen and really really angry. At me. At the pills. Even at my husband (who's being really supportive, btw). The detox is too fresh for me to already be handling this, but I don't have a choice. And that makes me angry, too. I do. I hate everything right now.

But I'm still not giving up. :)

[conhall]

Hang in there Girl You Got This I Know somedays I was just mad as matter of fact yesterday I was so mad no reason just mad and i Know I am doing good and all is well But I was just MAD. I did something nice for myself and my mood changed around.
I am also taking counseling its great Its 4 people and an addictive counselor who leads the group I look for ward to my meeting I tried NA but it just didnt fit and found this group I was so glad.
I Hope you get into a program it will help you alot. There are so many options for aftercare I am glad you are taking steps to get started with it keep on your Doctor about it.
Keep posting and stay positive You can do this!

[jeannine1976]

Correction: 32.7 Celsius, not Fahrenheit.

[smartgirlbadecisions]

OMG, i SO relate. i also have pills in the house. its so frustrating. they are in a safe locked away but i feel like i cant recover knowing there are my favotire pills in the other room. the devil whispering my name. ugh..

[jeannine1976]

One of the big reasons I've quit is because, when I would run out, I'd get like how I felt this morning when I posted. It has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me jonesin'. I'm fine now, btw. But it was this constant up down up down and I didn't want to put my loved ones or myself through that anymore.

[ready4mylifeback]

i so hear u:) after we got clean by husband had a back surgery.. my husband is the sweetest and would do ANYTHING for me sometimes too much:o i told him to hide his pills and he did but i still found myself looking for them.. i was mad to even be around him not at him but because i knew he was taking them and he was high while watching a movie when i wanted to be too...(not really but i did in a way) it was a REALLY hard thing it cause many of arguments because i was ALWAYS in a bad mood.. i was clean wanted to stay clean but knew that he had them... anyway.. just stay the coarse u knew what u went through and u don't want to go back..be mad,vent do whatever u have to but don't use because it really is not worth it.. i had a couple little relapses when i first stopped and it just made me hate myself it didn't even give me the feeling i thought it  would i was just mad.. keep pushing!!!

[jeannine1976]

The poor guy's got bone spurs all over his neck and back that can't be operated on. Add that to cracked ribs from 40 minutes of CPR three months ago that didn't heal properly, a tailbone injury from falling off of a mechanical bull 20 years ago, and a torn rotator cuff...

...yeah.

He's not quitting because he doesn't abuse them. He doesn't generally take any during the day, and only sometimes at night when all of the pain catches up with him. Plus, like me, he's got a crazy high tolerance for pain meds. When he was in hypothermia protocol, he was medically paralyzed and sedated with a truckload of hydromethodone (they literally had the pump cranked to the max for days) while they froze him down to 32.7f, and he STILL kept waking up. It's kind of nuts.

I'm not resentful that he's taking them. Not at all. I'm resentful that he's doing exactly what I asked him to and not letting me anywhere near them. He's doing the right thing. I'm just pouty. :)

[waterLilly7]

Congrats on your strength in all of this.

Why does hubby take the pills? Are you resenting that he taking them and you can't? Your resentlment may be justified. There are some exceptions, but not many people need to stay on such strong pain meds for any longer than a month. If its back pain, fibro, anything like that, it can be treated with OTC products. I am living proof of that. The pills make us think we need them for pain that can really be controlled with much safer meds.

It's nice that he is supportive, but why isn't he quitting too?

Hugs,
Lily

[Stacy_Lynn]

Hang in there girl! I felt the exact way u do!!! Keep up the great work & keep ignoring the devils voice. Love & prayers, Stacy

[IBKleen]

Venting is good as long as you don't act on it. Get those plans in place as fast as you can. BTW, if you call the hotline number they may have someone who can pick you up for a meeting.

Hang around and keep talking here when you need to vent or not. It is good to get it all out. Hang in there hun.

[jeannine1976]

I'm already on it. I've got a list of therapists under our insurance plan that I'm sending to my primary doctor today to review (it's a long list, so she's going to take a peek and see who she knows and can recommend). I've already spoken to a lady working the helpline for N.A., who helped me pin down some meetings close to me. I didn't realize I'd feel this good today, otherwise I would have driven the hubby to work and used the car for a meeting.

My husband knows. My doctor knows. A couple of close friends know. Basically, anyone my addiction directly impacted and who will be part of my support system knows.

I'm just pissy and need to vent today. LOL

[IBKleen]

This is exactly why aftercare is strongly recommended. For the majority of us putting the drugs down is only the beginning. I hope you will consider getting help. I wish you the best.