narc addict feeling ok to do RN diversion program now

[joyagain]

OK, the deal is I don't want to go to 7 AA/NA meetings a week right?  But, can I get over that?  My husband is soooo mad at me right now.  He looks at me with complete loathing and disbelief.  I cannot handle that.  It hurts me most.  I cannot believe I am a thief.  Who does that? Answer....my evil twin, the addict.

I cannot return to the nursing floor, it is too stressful for me with my underlying issues, but I can return with a clean RN license to practice in my state and be in a different unit in utilization review, case management that is what my nursing director told me when she fired me.  I feel more calm today, more in control of my situation.  My case manager told me it gets better and less costly with time. (about 6 months time)  Somehow, I am going to have to get over the AA/NA meeting situation.  

Well, I could loose my husband.  I had horrible thoughts this AM.  Thoughts of I don't even want to say.  I was combing my little girls hair, and I thought she deserves better.  She wouldn't want me.  What a depressing situation for her to grow up in a house that has a drug addict for a mother.  The hardest thing is that she does need me and so do my other kids.  It isn't that easy,  what a coward I am to have such thoughts.  But I don't think right now that I can handle anymore shame and loss.....ironically, Joy

[crescentmoon]

Hang in there Joy! People who really love you will adapt, and so will you! It's very hard work getting through the tough times like this but it will pay off in the end.

C-Moon

[joyagain]

I am so tired.  My husband does not sleep well lately and of course I 'm not.  I have a nurse support group meeting that I have to attend today, and he is up as well.  The kids all have sports today and when I get back in town I have to go to meeting, continue to cart the kids around and on and on.  We are exhausted.  I've never seen such emotions in my husband before, and I can't fix it.  I don't even know how I am going to be able to drive today back and forth like that, and I need him to have a good sleep.  I cannot even take anything but melatonin because of the urine tests, anything else would render me noncompliant.  Melatonin would be fine, it does enough except if you have to drive out of town the next day.  I'm used to going w/o sleep as a night nurse of 12 hour shifts, but driving does me in.  If I don't got to the nurse support group meeting, I am again rendered noncompliant.  Lord help me.  It's too late to get some more rest before I have to get ready to go.

[scaredoutofmymind333]

I had 3 years drug free...I never accepted that I was an addict. In my mind I was prescribed oxy's and then methadone for 3 back surgeries by my pain control doc and he got me addicted. I cold turkey'ed myself 3 times from the meds when I couldve just filled my script. I wasn't an addict. Then I left my husband of 17 years, and while going through the divorce and some other trying things in my life, 2 years ago, I started to drink too much. I went on a binge and almost lost my job by not showing up for 2 days. I ended up in rehab and going to AA meetings every night. I dreaded the meetings, dreaded going, but I kept going to them...never stopped. But again I wasn't an alcoholic, just going through a rough time in my life. Then 3 months ago I made the wrong choice and took some vics at work to get through the back pain when I had to do a double shift that day. Within 2 months I was out of control and taking around 30 -10mg Vics a day, sometimes more. I realized I was outta control and told my work what I was doing. I kept going to meetings all through this too! Needless to say, I lost my job. I guess my point is that I don't mind meetings at all anymore! Those people were so understanding about my relapse, and made me feel so comfortable coming "clean" with everyone. I have truly made some "true" friends in AA. (I go to AA meetings here because the NA meeting in this town are full of very young people and I just can't relate) When I was in the hospital 1 year ago with a heart attack people from AA visited or called all the time, every day. I didn't even hear from people from work until I called to tell them when I would be back. I truly have accepted that I am an addict/alcoholic and need to work the steps. I have a new sponser and we have started the step work. Keep going to meetings, force yourself if you have to, they truly become easier and very soon will become a life saver for you! I hope everything works for you and things with your work/license get easier. At least you have the board working for you.... I dont have that. I lost my job. I kept a job through the whole thing and am picking up shifts there, but they have no clue what I have done. I am applying for tons of jobs and have interviewed for alot of them (I had a 2 hour interview today) But as soon as they do the background check, I am sure I will not be called. I have no protection...I can't show I am working a program (which I am!) and have my name cleared. I know it seems like a form of punishment for you, but think of what you would do if you couldn't clear your name! Look on this as a blessing in a way.....u get another chance....I dont! Just so very small things for you to be grateful for. We all need to find some things to be grateful for or our addictive thoughts will come at us very very fast! Take care and please keep posting! I have followed your posts from the beginning and you have come so far! Congrats!

[Htownnofrown]

Not going to meetings is does not mean you still can't go. It's so paradoxical that as addicts/alcoholics, we are given a treatment plan (AA/NA), are shown that it works if we work the program to the best of our ability, but for some reason, we don't want to do it. I was just like that, too. I was introduced to the program in December of 2008, decided I didn't want to go to meetings but once a week, didn't get a sponsor, definitely didn't work the steps. What did that get me? 6 more terrible months on and off of drugs, more spiritual bankruptcy, more wreckage of my life. It wasn't till May of 2009 that I decided to do what the people in AA told me to do, I went to 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponsor, and worked the steps. I've got 18 months sober to the day today. My life is more incredible then I ever thought possible, and I owe it to working the program.

So before you write off meetings, take it from someone who went that route, it doesn't end pretty 99% of the time. I wish you the best of luck!

[el_em_en_oh]

The fear, depression & self-loathing will subside in time. I was ashamed of myself for a long time after I went into recovery. And even now, from time to time, I'm mad at myself for putting my wife through what I put her through, and I hate myself for it because she deserves better.

But then I remember... she stuck with me through my addiction and recovery. She really loves me. She supports me like no other. She has unconditional love for me. Where would I be without her in my life?

Yes, I can think of several reasons to off myself. But at the same time, I can think of HUNDREDS of reasons not to. If not for your husband, think of your children. They deserve to grow up with their mother by their side. They deserve to learn from the hard lesson that you've learned. You have to pass on what you have learned.

THAT'S what this program is all about.

[pharma9]

Joy..it looks like your recovery is progressing very well and you are even helping yourself by giving good advice to others.
You are coming along well and soon all these meetings will become part of your routine and healing.
I am very proud of you and keep up the good work

[gnarly_1]

HEY Joy im happy to here your coming to grips with your situation you may have some hoops to jump threw but it sounds like you will keep your license keep pushing forward with your recovery and work one thing out at a time keep posting for support.......Gnarly

[joyagain]

Good to hear you've decided to quit.  Over the summer, I tried to quit before things got out of control, well here I am.  Things got out of control, and I ended up screwing up.  You need to make sure you have some support, and know that I did quit a couple times and relapsed.  The pills were do nothing for my enery anymore either, but keeping me feeling "normal".  Check out the Thomas recipe for herbals to help with the withdrawal.  You are about where I was when I quit this last time.  The withdraw is really not that bad if you are patient with the process.  You will not be able to sleep, you will probably have restless leg syndrome every night, you will feel like you have the flu for about a week, achey and have mood swings.  You may already know this as you probably have to wait between rx's.  I like evening primrose herbal tabs for the mood swings.  Also, melotonin has an extended release tab that helps with sleep, but you need to make sure you are going to get 8 hours before you take it because like it implies, it does linger.  Take a multivitamin.  You won't feel like eating much, but popsicles were good for me, crackers and protein.  You will have diarrhea, take immodium  for that and gatorade is good as well.  Good luck to you and it is good that your husband knows.  I did talk more to mine tonight, and we are at a good point right now.  

Do you still have pills in your house?  Do you still have another rx out there waiting for you?  If so, it will not work if you know it is there.  You have to have no refills left and not go seek more from another doc.  That is very dangerous.  If you need to keep busy because of anxiety, do a puzzle, laundry, watch favorite movies, get on this forum, go for a walk, get some sunshine,  take a hot bath or shower, anything to get you through the moment that you are feeling horrible, and know that it will pass, it does.  There are hours that you will feel ok again, that you can handle it......Joy

[happypill]

im sorry you had to experience this at work. that is my main goal,ans an RN  to get through this without my job or the bon knowing. granted, i have always had a valid rx, never ever diverted , but i still dont want my job getting any wind at all of my takiing vicodin.
so, after ripping through my whole rx of 90 pills this week, i decided that today was quit day. so far im ok, tired, but i have been tired for months now. they dont give me the energy they once did. but i know tomorrow im in for a world of hurt.
me and my husband fought daily about my taking pills, he hated it. and he was loathsome of me a times so i know what your going through. im here if you need to talk, but, like i said, its only my first day of NO PILLS