moments of exhilaration and hope, moments of utter despair and desperation

[desolateangel]

so, i am currently try un-addict myself from painkillers. i first posted about a month ago when i knew that i ought to stop taking these pills as they were destroying my health, along with all kinds of other things. however, i also had to recognise that i really didn't want to stop taking them - i just wasn't ready and didn't want to let go of my security blank,

then, just over a week ago, something changed. i started to believe that i really didn't want to get off these things. my initial plan was to go CT, but i am not entirely sure that's gonna work too well for me with my current workload, tho i was intending to stop on a thursday to battle through the worst of it on a weekend. well, that didn't happen. but what has happened is that i have managed to reduce my intake from 32 - 40 down to 18 - 20. Tomorrow i will cut down again to 15, then 12, then stop.

well, this is my plan. but i really have no confidence that i will succeed. the glimmers of hope and belief that i can do this are still so few and far between and are always far outweighed by the moments of despair and hopelessness. i do wonder if rehab would be an idea, but at the end of the day it all boils down to me and my strength, or lack thereof.

i cannot start my life over until i can finally give this up. and therein, perhaps lies the problem. i don't really want to live. sometimes, the only reason i keep going is because i could not contemplate causing such pain to my parents if i didn't,

is there a way out of this?
is there hope?
is there a future?
i remain unconvinced.

[Jimmy1975]

Hi and welcome ! I must sat a agree 100% with IBKleen . That's a lot of pills and if memory serves you can't just cut down from 40 to 20 like that ! There is health dangers involved in doing that to fast . Consult your doctor and tell him or her exactly what's going on and I am sure they will help you . Stay here with us and we will help you threw this too . Good luck .. Jimmy

[desolateangel]

hmmmmmmmm. unfortunately, i cannot say that i do believe it, and not believing it, it isn't going to help all that much, but i appreciate your kindness in pointing me to that.

today was not a good day.
i don't know.
i need to understand what is driving me to do this to myself.
:(

[dedicatedtostop]

than it should answer your questions, if you beleive it with all your heart

[desolateangel]

thank you, have read it.

[dedicatedtostop]

google jeremiah 29:11...............read it!! In response to your 3 questions

[desolateangel]

thank you for your reply. i know it's a fast taper, and yes have been feeling it a bit but really nothing too bad. tbh, feeling wds almost makes me feel better as i know it means i'm moving in the right direction.

and totally get what you say about attitude. i know that so well myself - if i think i'll fail, then i will. if i think i will succeed, then succeed i shall! just gotta find the strength.

[IBKleen]

Hey Hun,

First thing I thought was that is a very quick taper and you are going to begin to feel the withdrawal right away. If you decide that tapering is the way to go, how about talking with your doctor and getting a good, proper taper so that you have a better chance of success.

The second thing I noticed is your attitude. You already think you are going to fail and that is not going to help you at all. If you have to want this, work to get it and have a good positive attitude. It goes a long way in winning the battle.

What do you think about talking with your doctor?