Desire to use

[tyguy83]

I'm 5 days clean, and feel good except for my back hurting. I don't feel any other physical withdrawls, and after using vicodin daily for 3 years I do not seem to have anything crazy going on physically, and have plenty of energy. However, I just really want to take one. Ok, two. I made the choice to go 30 days and not use at all this month, just because I wanted to challenge myself to get off. So far so good, but, does that desire to use ever go away? I cut off my supply lines, but with my physical condition, it would probably take me all of 30 minutes to have some in hand. I've just chosen not to thus far. Does the craving go away? Does it get worse? Is that what aftercare is? Its the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last before I sleep. Is that how its going to be forever? I'm not in any danger of ruining my streak at this point, I just want to know if it gets easier.

[jifmoc]

Again, the mental part does not go away on it's own. We need lots of help for our obsession. Neveragain is right on in her advice to you. All the feelings you listed are early wd symptoms. Yes, there is no way to know your real pain right now: you've been numbing so you don't know what it really is.

The fact that you doubled your intake, then got them "off the street" is addict behavior. You may be wondering if you are but it looks pretty obvious. Meetings are the aid for all of that.

[tyguy83]

Thanks for the response.

Dr said I can have surgery to fuse my V4 and 5 or I can be medicated, but I will probably always suffer from the pain. I've maintained the same dosage for about 2 years, taking about 3 norco's a day, but in the last year I found myself doubling that. A few times I had ran out of my script, and found supply elsewhere, but mostly I was able to control how much I took.

I am finding that after almost a week off, the pain is pretty bad, much worse than I am used to; I hear that is just the rebound pain from being without the meds. I am hoping this subsides, because it is a lot worse than I can handle and continue my job, and quality of life. I'm sluggish, less excited, and I think that is causing me to have the cravings more than the pain; I'm missing the energy boost and increased level of performance. I hate that its the first thing I think about, and knowing I wont have any today starts the day off bad. Does that part go away?

Looking forward to seeing what improves over the next several weeks, months, years...

[NeverAgain127]

Your back hurting is a physical w/d symptom  It is an exaggerated level of pain, in response to your opiod receptors missing the drugs.  

I asked you this before, not sure if you answered...but have you consulted your doctor about your back issues?  is surgery indicated?

If you only quit to "see if you could" then the chances are that you will start taking drugs again...sorry, that's my opinion.   This is hard, really, really, hard.  Your habit will get worse with time; you will use more, and as you get older, quitting will get exponentially more difficult  

You need to decide if you really want off these things, how serious your commitment is, and if you are truly wiling to do whatever it takes to stay clean.    

If 1983 is your birthyear, you are lucky to be young, and youth is one of the things helping you to suffer relatively mild physical w/d's (except the pain, of course...which will get better in time.)   TRUST me, it's a whole different matter when you're in your 40's, 50's, etc.

Only you can decide what you're going to do.   Having the drugs a 30 minute phone call away isn't good for your sobriety...

So what do you think?  Sorry if I sound harsh...its just that I'm on day 40 and this has been AWFUL for me.  I don't have another recovery In me.  I just could not go through this again.  Also, this thing ISN'T LINEAR.  
I didn't develop dirrahea until the end of day 4.  I didn't get the hacking cough (still with me!) until day 16.    

If you give in, then the drug is controlling you, not the other way around.  They teach us in AA that its people, places, and things that trigger us to use again.  Also, of course, to watch out for H.A.L.T.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.   I think "physical pain" should be added as well.  I'm having that...my back pain is really awful, but I'd rather have back pain and be clear minded then dependent on opiates...which is a progressive, downward spiral into He.l.l (gee, Robin, dramatic much? lol.)

Waiting to hear from you... If we don't, well then...

[hurtin4certin]

I agree with jifmoc, exercise has amazing benefits to feeling better.  I tore my ACL when I was thirteen and now when the seasons change from summer/early fall to colder weather in late fall/winter and back to spring/summer my knee aches like no other.  But for some reason when I force myself to go for a run and lift the pain goes away.  

The key to cravings is to NEVER act on them, they will pop up but they also go away relatively quickly.  Keep your mind busy.  Don't think of it as going just 30 days, just keep going period.  I'd hate to see you say you went 30 days and then thought, "oh, that was easy - I can have just one" because you'll be wrong and be right back where you started.

Keep fighting the good fight

Tim

[jifmoc]

5 days in: of course you still have cravings. Yes, that is what aftercare is for (plus a million other reasons.) 5 days is SO soon. You were on this shyt for 3 years...gotta be patient.

Get exercise (need natural endorphins!) and go to meetings!!!

[Shawnee1988]

IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!!! Give yourself some time. Please know, I've been through this 2 times. It really gets better. Your brain starts thinking clearly and you will start realizing and enjoying the things in your life that are truly important. You will get there! Patience is your best friend right now, I know it's so hard but CONGRATS on making it this far! We are so proud!!!