here we go again

[sofmg]

I SO NEED HELP!!!!!!

     I have been up and down this road it seems my whole life. I get on Lortab and then I run out stay clean for a few months and then go back on it. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!! I am an active 50 year old wife and mother who is so ashamed of herself but I do know I have a disease that is killing my body and my mind. My life has been up and down this year. My husband of 28 years has cancer and is doing well at this time, I AM THE PROBLEM!!!! Noone in my family knows this and I am a worship leader in my church and I am so sad inside!!!!! I just started a new job and I need help I ran out today and I am not calling the doctor because I will just start up again!!!!  I have come on and off for years I know what to expect the chills, hot flashes etc.  Why do I do this????? I was clean for 3 months and then called in for a refill and I felt great when I called the doctor.  I SO HATE MYSELF!!!!!  Is there anyone out there like me????? I must lead our church tomorrow and I feel so fatiqued!!!!! It will only get worse in the next few days and at 50 I have a new job.  I did not work while my son was young and he is in high school now and I took a job because my husband is so sick. I need to know there are women out there like me. PLEASE HELP ME


                                                   SOFMG

[dominosarah]

Yes there are those of us out here.  Welcome to the forum, i am sara, a recovering addict/alcoholic.  We know how you are feeling right now and we also know there is another way.  You need help with this and it is okay to reach out for help.  You cant do this alone.  You have a ton on your plate right now and you have to really want to get off this crazy train.  Any plans on what you are going to do?      sara

[sofmg]

The first thing I am going to do is come clean about this. I will tell my husband and my doctor but I must first get through this holiday weekend.  I know tomorrow Mon and Tues will be bad any suggestions??  I am so anxious and I do know what to expect but I am still afraid I will lose my cool either at church or work. The worst thing is I have let myself down and I am so dissapointed in myself but all I can do is move forward!  Like I said this is not my first time.  I just so wish I could go somewhere and be alone for 2 weeks but not an option for me.  I must do this I have to NO CHOICE FOR ME!!!!  I want to die at this minute

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

I hope you come back and talk with us. Most of us here are just like you so know you are not alone.

We can talk with you and help you through this. We can also recommend some home remedies to try and ease the physical withdrawal. So let us know what you plan to do.

[sofmg]

Please help me with any advice especially the restless legs and the mood changes. I have a sick husband and a teenager to deal with . I can"t believe this here I am again for the 4th time this year starting and stopping. I SO HATE MYSELF!!!!

[IBKleen]

Now I am cracking up. I did not see your second post. Sorry.

If there is any way you can get some else to go for you tomorrow, I suggest that you do that. Since you know you will not be feeling well, it may be best to stay at home and care for yourself.

Try and stay calm. The stress and the anxiety are not helping right now. Make certain that you eat something to try and keep yourself as healthy as you can through this. Stay hydrated and push fluids. Try and rest and if you have muscle aches, take long, hot baths to help that. If you believe in natural supplements you can go to the top right of this page and look in the health pages. there you will see The Thomas Recipe and The Amino Acid Protocol. They both contain supplements designed to ease the withdrawal.

Keep talking here. There is a lot of great support. Just as I say that please understand that it is Saturday night on a holiday weekend and it will be slow so be patient. Most of all hang in there, in just a few short days you will begin to feel better.

[IBKleen]

Stop saying that you hate yourself, it is surely not helping you. Are are an addict hun and that is what we do. Try and stay positive and tell yourself this is the last time. No more, right? You are going to get through this.

If you are near a Wal-Mart or maybe a drug store, you can get something called Hyland's Restless Legs. It is a natural supplement for rls. Also, as I said, hot baths help. I used to put a heating pad under my calves and rest on that.

What have you done so far?

[sofmg]

thank you for caring. I think I use drugs to ease the lonliness in my life. It is hard to explain but another addict will get this. I have people around me but no one really knows me.  I have used opiates all my life. Sometimes heavy and sometimes not but I have never been clean for more than 6 months. I have been to AA etc. but once my husband got cancer I just relapsed. I know it is a cop out but it is the truth.  The worst part is no one knows.

[Storme]

You are not alone.. My name is Teresa and I am right here with you. I understand what you are going through as do do many of us here but we can help if you let us. Hylands Restful Legs can help with the restless leg syndrome and you can get it at any Walgreens, WalMart etc. Also bananas and tonic water do wonders for it as well. Get a mult-vitamin and try SleepMD which is all natural and has Valerian Tincture in it or try Nyquil to help you sleep. Melatonin works for sleep as well and can be bought at a health food store or pharmacy.

Coming clean to others will help solidify this all in your own mind and it will hold you accountable to yourself (my opinion ) I know it did for me. My doctor added it to my chart and it helps me when I want to ask for an opiate and other doctors can see it is not allowed. Hang in there, you can do it this time. Deep down you know you can and you need to. Your husband needs you now more than ever and s o does your son..

[sofmg]

I am getting ready to take a hot bath I am waiting up for my son . He will be home at !0:00.
I have tapered my lortab down and my last one was at 6 this morning before work. I am now at none and the withdrawl got bad around 6 this evening!! Believe me I know what to expect but the shakes always get me.  I tremble bad when I withdrawl, the worst part of all this is I am a worship leader and people look to me for advice. At this point I just want to crawl under my bed but not an option for me. I must get on with this and pray this will be the lasdt time

[sofmg]

I so appreciate your message and as soon as I can after church I will go to Walgreens and get the Restful Legs. That is always the worst for me. I have to sing tomorrow since I lead worship and it is really my passion in life but I do wonder if I can do it. I will have to get to a drugstore because my legs are going crazy. I really do want to do this because I am so very tired of this life

[IBKleen]

I know this is difficult for you, but can you call in sick tomorrow? Is there anyone who can take over for you? I hate to see you put yourself through this and would like to see you concentrate on you right now. Like I said, and you know, in a few days you will begin to feel better. Please hang in there.

[sofmg]

If I am shaking in the morning I will have to call someone, I run everything in our church but if I have to they can just sing hymns. Not good but better than crying in front of everyone. I can"t wait until 2 weeks from now but that is when I let my guard down. I must succeed this time for me.

[IBKleen]

What happens two weeks from now?

[sofmg]

In two weeks I just hope I am through the withdrawl process and I hope at that point I am no longer in the physical withdrawl of it all.  But then the mental part sets in and I just want to beat it this time, I have been here before and dissapointed myself many times. I want this for myself but I don't like my life right now. I don't want this for myself anymore.

[Ike_the_Hadal]

You're not alone.  I am going through the exact same thing this weekend.  Cold turkey from after having leveled off at roughly 2000mg of tramadol a day after two years.  Withdrawals are awful.  And wonderful at the same time.  Every moment that goes by—and each one seems to endure forever—we are closer to being free.  

I have always envisioned detox as a long grueling climb up from the pits of a dark cave. A climb during which you don't even see a glimmer of light for the first four or so days. But the climb does lead to the surface. You and I are going to suffer mightily over the coming days.  Still, we will both survive.  Then the real challenge will begin.  To live.

[sofmg]

I sure hope you are right, have you done this before?

[IBKleen]

If you have ever engaged in any form of aftercare then you know the benefits of it. If not, I can tell you that it is the thing that has and still does save me. I need to surround myself with recovering people and learn how to live life without the use of drugs and I do that everyday. I also went through years of counseling where I was able to get to the root of my problems and get the tools I need to prevent a relapse. Getting clean is easy, staying clean is a lot of work but if you really, really want it this time then go after it with passion!!!

[sofmg]

What kind of after care do you do? I was in AA for 2 years and I liked it but I quit 5 years ago.  I  think that was a mistake!

[Ike_the_Hadal]

Sadly, yes.  About four years ago I detoxed cold turkey from an addiction just about equally as bad as the current one.  And I've done smaller ones on and off over the years.  I'd like this to be the final detox, but I'm not going to worry about that just yet.  Sometimes, sofmg, the thoughts and fears of withdraw are worse than the actual symptoms.  Don't get me wrong, the symptoms are pretty awful.  They can, however, be endured.  Take as much pressure off yourself as you can.  Own the suffering.  Pay the Piper.  And just know you can do it.  We got ourselves into the mess.  And we will get ourselves out.  

[Mick3766]

Have you ever tried weaning for like 3-5 days with suboxone or subutex?   I wish this was still an option for me but its not,  my doc a few years ago kept me on sub for 2 years so I am addicted to that now.   But if you havent tried it you would not be, and your withdrawals would be minimal.   You seem to me like it is a fact that you always go back.  dont accept that.    YOU DONT NEED any pills in your life to be happy,  but you have got to give yourself a chance to be happy on your own again.    Three months is NOT enough time for your brain to be bak to normal..   I am a mother of two boys also and I know the juggling act your doing.   but I promise you if you stop, one year from now you will look back, and say to yourself how did I think that I felt good, because now you will really truly feel good.   Give it a try
mick3766

[Ike_the_Hadal]

I will be trying the restless leg remedy; that has always been the worst part for me.  Keeps me from getting any sleep at all for about a week.

[sofmg]

AMEN to that!!!!! We got ourselves in this mess!!!!!

[meatloaf84]

I love you and so does God. Trust God. You have so much more , when you trust in our Lord to do the right thing. You need to speak to a doctor in your church right now . Find someone who can help you with your meds.  Right now. Someone in your church who can help you through this now. Be totally honest with them then let God take over. GOD BLESS YOU ! It will work. I love you . GOD LOVES YOU!  

[sofmg]

THANK YOU