#5

[beebumble]

Well, 5 days.  Feels good.  I feel good.  Bad moments though.  But I push through.  Worked out this morning and made me feel good.  Keeping busy is the key no matter how bad you ache or feel nasty.  Lots of showers helped too.  Thanks for everyones advice.  Thing is before I would have the pills to numb any decisions I had to make, I would go with the flow, good or bad.  Didnt want confrontation or any arguing.  Didnt want to hurt anybody.  Now I see clearer and there are things in my life that Im not so sure of.  Well Im sure of them just wish they were moving a little slower.  Im just getting me back and feel Im being rushed into choices and decisions. I feel that if I slow down on one aspect that others will feel its all or nothing.  Wish I didnt have to make any major decisions or changes right now.  Id like to get use to having me back slowly.  At times I think about the pills.  The brief escape from reality.  But in my clarity I know now that that is exactly what it is a BRIEF escape and then Id be back to decisions, regrets, and wishes.  I like it more with out the stuff.  Thank goodness day 5.
  

[worried878]

Was basically over for me on day 5 too...Bad times here and ther after that mostly just getting tired all of the sudden at work and runs continued...no biggie....congrats!

[mintz]

LISTEN UP!!!!  You will make a lot of decisions in your life, some good and some bad.  We are all only human.  If you love him and he understands, life will get better.  It will take a while for you to realize how to act when decisions have to be made.  My advice is take a deep breath and think before you think and then make your gut decisions.  my gut always speaks the truth as long as i keep my emotions out of it.  I hope this helps some.

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

You are doing great keep up the exercise and keep pushing through those bad times. It is going to take time before you feel really good and there will be bad moments. You have to stay focused on being clean of this addiction.When you are using you are in a fog and you are selfish. It may take you some time to find yourself after all of this but you will just know that it isn't over night.
Here for you guys I've been where you are and it will get better.

[beebumble]

Im just scared Im gonna keep making bad decisions even without the pills and that scares the living heck out of me.  I just want to be on the right track.  Im scared.

[beebumble]

I know what you mean.  I use to be this organized focused woman who remembered everything.  I have watched my memory slip, my house turn into shambles.  I quit an awesome job over pills.  Didnt work for 2 years. Spent my savings and went into debt spending trying to fill a void that the pills put there.  Divorced. Met a great guy but I fear my pill fog kept me from seeing clearly. He is good.But did pills during separation and divorce and dating him and just feel unfair to him.  Im becoming clearer and need to find me.  But I dont want to hurt him.  I really dont know what to do.  I love him.  He knows of my addiction for like 2 months.  He is supportive to the extent he can be.  He doesnt know the pain, the aches, the regret, the cravings, the disappointment, the shame, the many emotions it holds.  I want him around, but sometimes I just want to be alone.  So confused.  And that scares me.   Cause pills kept me in a fog I didnt care.  I love caring but Ive been so down and down on myself I must have lost my back bone.  I feel spineless.  And Ive been so selfish with him, with everyone  its like "dont be so selfish"

[mintz]

GREAT FOR YOU>>>DAY %  YEAH!!!!

I know what you mean about decisions.  I am a manager for a large corporation and I have felt the same way.  When I was off of Hydros a year ago I went to work and said sh** what is going on.  I know i was forgetting a lot, my memory used to be sharp but not on pills, I had to force myself to think.  I even emailed myelf stuff from home to work when I thought of it so I would not forget.  If you want to PM me and tell me about your decisions you are battling I am more than willing to lend a hand...if I can or post what you are talking about and I will respond.

I join a gym tomorrow and I sm soooooooooo looking forward to it.

[gizzy32]

congrats on 5 days, the worst should be ending. one of the best parts of getting clean is seeing clearer like you say and finding yourself again. realizing that you don't need these pills and life is so much better without them. you sound like your in a great frame of mind so early in recovery and that is great. it only gets better from here. keep it up.