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Doing it in silence, going on 48 hrs. Anyone else ?

I’m coming upon 48 hours opiate free . First time in a few years .
I’m a bartender in a tourist town, native to the area. And can get ahold of anything. I’m just tired. Want to be genuinely happy.
It’s been better this time for some reason. I did go from taking 200mg of hydrocodone to about 20-30mg per day . Starting a couple months ago.  
I just can’t let people down in my life.
And I would love nothing more than to leave my dealers without my $500-1000 per month.
I pray this passes so I can move on.
Anyone else doing it in silence?
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Avatar universal
I’m doing it and taking it hour by hour instead of day by day .
I believe every hour that passes I’m getting better.
I feel like I’ve got the end of a bad flu . The thought of taking a
Shower scares me . I don’t want to feel chills anymore.
Music sounds better, especially loud hard rock .
Yesterday I heard American Girl by Tom Petty and rocked out .
I guess music being mainly about passion and emotions Resonates with me.
Because of flu season it's been easy to pass .
I’m doing this thing .
And never doing it again.
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7 Comments
Hi Salty, how are you doing? I can relate a bit to your experience, but for me it’s going on 8 years ago that I quit hydrocodone. Tapering was never for me and I was taking a bit more than you so I basically called in sick for a week. I rarely missed work, so this wasn’t an issue. I am not one to reach out for help, but I did make a point of keeping an open mind and trying several different forms of aftercare. I also told the people closest to me what I was doing, which was hard. Both of those things I think kept me accountable to some degree, and also reduced the burden of having to carry this massive event alone.

I live in a big city and had a pretty much unlimited supply. I also had enough money that it never caused a problem. So it wasn’t like my life was getting unworkable, although in retrospect, all the money I spent could have been put to much better use. Like you, I just felt that I wasn’t happy anymore. I had some very good times doing drugs, but I knew that there weren’t many good times ahead. As the years go by, opiate addiction just seems to carve out more and more space in your life until you’re revolving everything around it without even realizing it. I just realized it was either time to get smart, or my life was going to start going down the drain.

I also got really into music during my recovery. Tom Petty was great, anything Keith Richards played guitar on was also great. So many other random songs played a part in that early recovery - music is just the thing! Pretty much anything that isn’t self-destructive and makes you feel good is what I tried to focus on. I got really into swimming and still do that three times a week. I got very scientific about my diet and taking supplements. This made me healthier, but I think it also helped soothe that addict part of me that was counting, organizing, chasing, and analyzing various kinds of pills week in and week out. I’ve never been a problem drinker, but in the years since I quit opiates, I have found that I have virtually no desire to drink beyond one or two social drinks. I value and treasure that feeling of waking up fresh in the morning so much, I think I really missed it during my addiction.

I hope you’re doing well and through the worst of the WD. It can take some time to start to feel completely normal, but if you put in that work, it is absolutely possible to be free of that stuff. Good luck!
Ben727, thanks for reaching out to me !
Today seems so much better. This morning I woke up at my normal time 4am . Regardless of what time I go to sleep I wake up at the same time , 4am!
But I felt an emptiness that usually I fill with pills ... I went on a run and felt wonderful.
I don’t drink alcohol or do anything else . My addiction is work and with bartending pills and work go hand and hand .
I was on them about 10 years ago and my brother that was staying with me at the time talked me into getting help .
I stayed clean for about 5 years. And then my brother died and I went into a deep depression and made a bad decision to start again to numb myself.
This time I’m sticking to it !
Congratulations on your commitment to stay clean all this time !! I can’t wait till I can say the same !!
Thanks so very much for reaching out !!
I’m very sorry to hear about your brother. And very happy to reach out. Back when I got clean this board was really active and I was here a lot. Kinda sad how dead it is now, but there are still a few people who I’m sure will be along to comment as well. It was a big help to me so I try to give back when I can.

Numbing the pain is a reoccurring theme among addicts. I can really relate to working and pills hand in hand. For some bizarre reason hydrocodone (which I preferred over oxy) was almost like speed for me. It gave me tons of energy and a reasonable amount of mental clarity. I did very well at work during the ten years I was an addict. In retrospect, I definitely thought I was smarter and hiding it better than I actually was. But I didn’t quit using due to issues at work, everything was fine there.

There are a lot of different ways to go about getting it, but I really do recommend some form of aftercare. It is really easy to get into the “pink cloud” about 1-2 weeks after you quit and slip up. I am not a “joiner” type so I had my doubts about “support groups” in general. But I figured if I was serious about quitting I should give the various options a try. I saw an addiction specialist (an MD), I saw an addiction therapist, I went to AA and I went to NA. In all honesty, none of them was for me long-term. But being open to trying and putting myself in that mindset actually helped quite a bit. And in the short term, it gave me a plan and reflected my commitment. My best therapy was a combination of coming here (again, sadly it’s not what it used to be) and swimming. The need to come here gradually faded in a healthy way. After a year or two I didn’t need to think about addiction all the time. But like I said before, I am still swimming - currently six miles a week.

Weekends are tough early on, hope you can stay busy with healthy things and rest when you need it. I loved the hot tub in those first few months. Eating clean protein and drinking lots of fluids both help keep your energy up. You are on your way, stay strong!
Thanks for your kind and sweet words !
I’m watching the weather and hopefully after a storm that’s coming it will leave with a sailors sky .
I’ll get to my sailboat and take off for a few days .
I need it . I don’t want to be trapped in my house all weekend.
Ben's sage advice. Wow, speaks to me as well.  And the inspiration of 8 years clean time.  Moves me to tears. There are so many success stories here.  And yes, some who have had set backs but they keep going!  

Aftercare can be a life saver.  For me, switching to another DOC is the fear.  Gotta watch. Gotta be vigilant.  

Exercise can be amazing.  It is essential for my brain to feel like it is working properly.  

I know about the trapped in the house feeling. When so much of your time/life is tied up into using, then what do you do?  It's like your greatest hobby is gone and you have to disassociate with all things you did that involved your 'hobby' prior.  That can be a big junk of life. I choose to look at it as 'reinventing myself' and rediscovering the things that are healthy in my life. Absolutely go sailing.  You could join a gym (group fitness can be really good for social interaction and connections too).  Volunteer. Whatever floats your boat so to speak.

glad you are here! hugs
By the way Ben, I want you to know how much I appreciate your sharing because you never know when the things you write will resonate with someone just reading.  I have and do read here all the time and maybe don't say anything on a bad day I might be having. but still can be very touched by the words.  So, know how appreciated it is whenever you or others post here.  Lots of people can not share in 'real life'.  It's nice to have this completely anonymous way of communication and getting/giving support.
Ben is an inspiration especially to those that need to hear it will be fine .
He was the first to reach out to this girl that needed a virtual hug !
I read A LOT and my uneducated opinion is we are born adrenaline junkies , head first , risk takers and most likely the reason we search for new experiences and that isn’t limited to drugs .
As my grandmother would say “idle hands are the devils playground”
This morning my hands was anything but idle , I took my sailboat and put her rails in the water.
No better feeling.
This morning I woke up with that Familiar empty feeling and got over it by diving into the lagoon off the bow of the EL Gordito ⛵️
Now that I’m not living hour to hour but day to day , colors are getting more vibrant !
Thanks everyone for your Compassion and good vibes !
Avatar universal
Hi SaltygirlFla,  I read your post a few days ago and I wanted to reach out but I thought my particular situation may be too perplexing to you, as I am using Dr. prescribed oxycodone  "for the purposes of getting off Suboxone" for 12 days. However I thought we are both in the same fight.   I am on day 10 and this Tues switching to Tylenol #3 for a week...  I could not emotionally or physically endure the length of time required, with several episodes of w/d's symptoms along the way.  Each taper is tiny but painful. .  So an alternative way was to try a short acting  opiate for 2-3 weeks. So far so good..  

I have thought of you, and I was so happy to hear you felt so good after a run..  That is the key I believe, to a good recovery..  Our brains are so depleted of making our own "feel good" endorphins, after using opiates, and it takes a while for the brain to recover... Cardio for 30 mins maintaining a high rate, causes a significant production of endorphins, and after every work out I feel so much better.  I have gone swimming 8 of 9 days off Suboxone.. I go first thing in the morning and it sets up my day to be better than if I didn't.  I go into the pool feeling shaky and come out feeling stronger.

I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered, and I know how grief can make you want to hide.  But real life is so much better.  Like Ben727 said He now values and treasures  waking up fresh each morning.   No better feeling .. especially for us addicts who know the other feeling when we wake up.

I'm sending out good thoughts to you... you can do this and I can do this... Have a good day!  :)

Liliansdream
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10 Comments
Thanks so very much for your support and kind words !
I’ve taken a couple weeks off work, with the off season here and me being good friends with my boss and owner of the bar I work at, I never miss work for anything. He was happy to give me a couple weeks off .
I have a sailboat and I’m hoping to stay on it a few days to get away.
I ran again today and I’m joining a spin class that my friend has been nagging me to do.
I use to be very active, my brother was a personal trainer he would push me .
I was a competing cheerleader and as an adult a cheer coach .
I’d never thought I’d be here .
I’m going to do this and hopefully help others as well.

Liliansdream , you can taper if I can and do it like a boss .
Congratulations on 10 days amazing!!!

Thank you Saltygirl,  Words really matter.   When I read your second last sentence, which ended " and do it like a boss", my chest lifted and my shoulders squared, that said yes I can do this.  You running and me swimming...such great tools...  I already have my bathing suit on under my clothes, just waiting a bit longer as the roads are icy so want to make sure salt & snow removal trucks have cleared the hwy, and it's safe to drive.   That is so cool you were a cheerleader and coach.  That is not a big sport in Canada, but by coincidence I just watched the first two episodes of Cheer..   A new reality TV show.  I was up in the middle of the night.  I had never met a cheerer.  You must have heard of the Navora School, and top coach Monica I think her name was..  Anyways those girls and guys are very talented top athletes IMO.  

That is good you have a fitness background.  I think when I went through this before, I  bounced back quicker because I had always been a swimmer, even through my addict years I swam almost daily...and post w/d coming off of 10 years prescribed morphine and a year of Suboxone.  I was back in the pool within 2 weeks.  Once I'm under the water, and doing laps I feel like my normal self...like my muscles memory know what to do even if my mind is feeling weak.  I feel so much better afterwards, and it allows me to stretch out the time between dosing..  However I do wake in the night sweating, and feel quite significant w/d...but it is usually between 5-6 hrs from my last dose.  1 pill eases the w/d and I can go back to sleep... that is good news 1 pill/5-6 hrs does it.  Now is the real critical time of tapering this fast.  After my swim I usually go to a large store like Walmart and just push a cart around the perimeter of the store at a fast clip 4 or 5 times around... Security must be wondering...lol  I do end up buying a few things..  I then go pick up my daily pills, which I am proud to say I never get the full amount filled.  Then I stop in to see my daughter.  I find small things like that help, easy structured day..  It passes time and gets your mind off what your're going through.

It is great you got a couple of weeks off work, and to get away on your sailboat..   Going through this we need "soft" time.. to just be, and rebuild.   Plan how we will handle things differently when we have this behind us.  

I know what you mean about never thinking you would be here.  How many of us are out there who could never have imagined.  It is a very strong enemy, but we are victors..

Fighting like a boss!

Have a good day, and look forward to  hearing about your progress..  

Liliansdream



love love love the comments you both make to each other.  That's what it is about. Support!
Thanks mombojombo ! It does my soul good to communicate with amazing people that is or have been where I’m at .
We’re all the same here and trying to make our lives better, moving forward to see the world in colors again.

Liliansdream , you are a boss !
Look what you’ve already been through. #warrior
Liliansdream , how are you doing ? Is the tapering down going good ?
You can do it ! I’ve got faith in you !
Just imagine how great life will be when we don’t think about those things anymore.
It will just be the past .
Stand tall and proud!
Doing like a boss !!!! Hugs !
Hi Saltygirl,  I had a good day yesterday...  I swam early.  It's a really nice Y with a hot tub and steam room in the ladies change room... I feel pampered.. Not easy to achieve w/d off opiates..   It is day 12 today off the suboxone, and the last day for the dreaded percecets...  hurray!  to tell the truth I'm scared of them, I know the way I am approaching this some could replapse doing this.. I know what can happen, but it won't happen to me.  I look at the Percs as a tool only, to get off the Suboxone..

When I go 6 hrs since my last pill I feel the w/d symptoms starting.. So I am grateful to have something to help with that.  Today I will only pick up 6.  Tomorrow I see my Sub Dr. and the plan is to switch to Tylenol #3.  This time might not be so good as the Tylenol 3 can make me feel very sick to my stomach.  I will get some anti nausea med.  It might be a blessing in disguise as I will want to stop them asap.  

So how are you feeling ?  It must be a week now for you.  I'm really proud of you, I know how hard it is...  I like that thought of being a Warrior...  Warriors don't take the easy path, but are brave in doing what they know to be right and true.face the enemy head on..  

One thing I have learned in fighting this, and I guess it is true in any war, is to know our enemy..  We don't know exactly when it will attack, but we know patterns, our patterns in the past, of when it slipped back in... and be aware.. We need defenses, and even offences, to keep us safe.
...  We need to know our triggers.. and plan for what we are going to do...  Working out and making my own endorphins so I feel good naturally is so key for me.    I remember when I first got addicted to morphine how angry I was at God, the Universe, asking why me? .. and feeling sorry for myself, then it hit me like a big smack up side the head, why not me.. my ego was in my way of calling it as it was, I'm an addict.  No shame... Once we really face that, we know we are not alone, and one thing I learned is how on a very deep spiritual level, addicts get one another like no other group.  They are so supportive of one another to get well..  One look and we know the landscape of each others souls.  The longing to be free.

Saltygirl I want you to beat this, and have a good happy life free from the fear, and sickness opiates bring.  I want that for me too...  Just know if you are feeling unwell, it will pass.  I'm cheering for you... You have done an amazing job of tapering from 200 mg/day down to 20-30mg and then just stopping.   That is  where I am.. 6 pills = 30mg.  I think if I were to stop right now it would be tough.  I think my body is probably still w/d suboxone.   I know some people here think opiates are all the same on the brain, and can't get why doing what I am doing can work..  I read a post by "Itstime" and that is how he did it.. It makes sense to me how it can work.. I'm counting on it..

I'll check in when I get home this afternoon.  Heading out to the pool.  I usually go every other day, but right now it's like my life line, so every day.. it's the most important thing I do today..

Big Hugs, Warrior Sister....   doing it like a boss!  

Liliansdream
Great post Liliansdream!  Do you keep a journal?  That helps me tremendously.  I write all kinds of things and then when I re read it, I see things I can't in the moment.  Figuring out triggers that way!  I love that you swim. Good for mind, body and spirit.  I know this is a rough time right now for you. Gotta get over this hump.  You can do it.  hugs
Liliansdream, well said !!
Freedom isn’t free , freedom from those tiny little Devils candy isn’t easy  AT ALL !
The majority can’t make it through the toughest days .
We’re the Exception . We’re cut from a different fabric. We my friend are in fact Warriors, that will *****-slap this plague that’s been keeping us back from our full Potential !
Doing it and doing it well !!!
Mombojombo... OMG ... Journals - I have them out the  ying yang.....lol.   I journaled my whole experience from when I first got addicted....right through to when I finally got off.  Full of tragic and funny stories.  I have a big bin of them.  11 years worth.  My daughter is always at me to write a book.  Some of the extremes I went to to get off.  I remember once flying to Florida to attend a healing Conference in Lakeland Fld.   I wasn't healed at the conference, though my spirit was lifted due to all the awesome people I met, and miracles really of how I got there.  I had heard of Suboxone  but it was not available in Canada yet.  I saw a Sub Dr. in Fld, amazingly I got in right away, and got a prescription for 2 months worth...  I took some on the plane... OH NO... I went into precipitated w/d's..  I had to fake some other illness because I needed so much help with my suitcases etc, and then when I finally got to my car, I curled up in a ball in my backseat.. the Parking Lot attendant kept checking on me..I had to drive home in 3 stretches..  I can laugh now, but man what we addicts have gone through...  Thank God I lived in rural Nova Scotia at the time and everyone was so friendly. BUT Things like this NO MORE.  I've got this.

Liliansdream
Hi Saltygirl,  I thought I would check in with you and see how your day is going.   How many days is this?  Are you getting your appetite back and are you eating well?  I have been able to eat but I have not felt like cooking.  I did laundry this afternoon and it was exhausting.. but now I can just relax, and go to bed early.  I didn't  feel as strong swimming this morning,   I think my body is kinda exhausted.  It should be interesting to see my Dr. tomorrow.  I had given her this thorough article on w/d people off Suboxone and problems with keeping people on Suboxone..   I think she may be offended a bit as she is a maintenance Dr., but she needs to know what this is doing to a lot of people who didn't need to be on it.  Hell to get off.. and very long taper.  I didn't want to give up 8 -12 tapering off.  So, so far good doing it this way.

Do you think you will still be going sailing?  What a nice way to spend some of this time off work, if you are up to it.  

Are you still having much withdrawal symptoms?  I'm afraid I am still heading into some, but I think they will be managable.

Let me know how you are doiong?

Hugs and be the boss!!

Liliansdream
Avatar universal
That's part of the addiction we tried doing it in silence because we don't want anyone to know., There's no shame in being addicted it's a disease and you shouldn't have to suffer in silence I would recommend getting on Suboxone or Subutex as that's quite the habit and I had a hydrocodone have it too and Suboxone was made for painkiller addiction originally it's only just become a heroin treatment in the last you know 10 years or so. I started on it when I was in my early twenties in 2008 and every time I went off it I relapsed. Yeah starting it and doing it in silence is part of the addiction but you can break free from it getting support on here is the first start. Sorry if I answered so late I just joined here best of luck to you you can do this
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