End of the road

[Life2live]

I been lurking around her for a week. Why? because i turned into an addict. Knee surgery a year ago,  two of them. They had me on Perc then Vic then smaller..After awhile the doc said you should be not needing these anymore. I panicked. Then my friend said "oh see DR ____ " and I did ..low and behold no exam jsut 90 a month and 90 soma. I kept thinking ok this is a bit much but I can mange it. Over time I started thinking about the stuff too much. I had desk calendar and I would spread the pills out till next re-fill. (sad)....I had really loving relationship going as well...her cancer came out of remission and she clammed up and said she wanted to be left alone while she heals...I am NOT good with that kind of emotional stuff. So what did I do?  you bet.. went to my bottle for releif..so now I'm hiding behing vics to deal with her issue and running out way too soon. I went and bought some off a stranger the other day, Same day got ripped off by a lady of the evening for some as well...I went to the doctor at work and complained of back pain , she gave me a few 500's 6 months ago but this time she didnt...maybe she looked up my record. I feel like a complete loser. I have know idea why im typing this.

[Life2live]

anyway I loooks as if im 5 days off the hydro..heres the problem. I can re-up my script around the end of the month for 90 more..its prescribed 1 every 4 hours..which since im an addict means 21 day supply, Im nervous that ill think im ok...and get more....

[Life2live]

Thanks every one. Im at work now. got up feeling ok. I haven had hydro (only 5 mg) _ wed night....i had a few soma and a guy game me small valium....i watched tv all weekend (no kidding)...i know u guys said get up and do do something. but  i hate going out..i dont feel like the stud i used to be...my clothes are bagy and i barley eat....im smoking like  a chimney and feelin sory for myslef....hopefulluy it will pass....god bless u all

[overopiates]

I just www this scanned through responses.1st I wanna say that u said were all so strong,ur not etc.NO were no different than u.If we were all these super strong people n general we wouldnt b addicts,most relapse.We took our power back.Its so tough but after u get past the w/d u start2feel strong.I want u to know it takes A LOT of strength just2admit ur an addict.Getting support,going2meetings doesnt make u a loser quite the opposite.Ur standing up+saying I WANT TO CHANGE&WILLING2DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.Its a lot easier to live n denial,lie2ourselves.U have made a huge step admitting u have a problem(that was harder4me than anything else).These pills help2ignore ur sadness/any emotions but that doesnt mean any of whats going on is gonna go away and the longer u wait2quit+deal w/life the harder it will b when u get sober.I(and a lot of others who used4a long time)come out of our drug fog+pain that haunted us through our addiction r so raw.I had2deal w/stuff from9years ago that I never got over(losing a fiance n the marines,miscarriage so much more).STOP PUTTING REALITY OFF.It doesnt go away.good luck u can do this

[newlifeahead]

hey life2live how r u doing??? I hope things r getting better for u just KEEP pushing forward do NOT give into those pills every day behind u is another day closer to being FREE and it is THE BEST feeling ever. I am still struggling w WAY LACK of energy but pushing myself through KNOWING it WILL get better. Still get RLS at night and in the evening i would prob have them during the day too but i keep myself moving (and that is REALLY hard) it is easing up i noticed still getting very interuptedd sleep cant wait till that comes back its been a LONG time since i slept naturally. Keep pushing forward and keep posting

[Mookie87]

Hey there, how are you doing?

For me this is a crap weekend as well, I try giving my 60-pills a day codeine and ibuprofen up, how many times I have tried giving up I cannot even count. The worst is this incredible amount of fear and loneliness it is just so overwhelming.But this time I ha ve no ption, my life is basically ruinned, this is my last chance to save what I have left.
at the moment I think of myself as kind of a messed up tool that Im working on which is not really me. Just need a lot of time to find the right buttons again, the right fuel, the right places to go and things to do so that one day I will be alright. Maybe this helps for you too, think about that you are ill and your mind is playing nasty tricks on you and giving you hell,getting you to constantly  crave and ache all over. For me it helps thinking of it in this kind of detatched sense, although there are hours of complete despair one thing is sure: time passes and every minute that passes you get closer to your recovery, even if you just sit and cry.

Maybe these thoughts help you a bit, thinking of you and stay strong

[Life2live]

well its friday night home alone with my thoughts. no vics (have none)  a few soma and jsut dawned on me..i havent had a vic since wednesday..is that good?

[Sad_Woman]

Don't let the pills take it all from you--and have no doubt they WILL if you continue. 1 year in I knew I was an addict but not ready to quit. Year 2 life really spiralling downwards, losing it all. Year 3 I'm at the bottom emotionally, spiritually and physically. It's death or recovery. Choose to live!! Your no stranger to overcoming addiction. Open up with your AA group. There is no shame in seeking help and those people have been there and can help. There is no happy ending with the pills, it only ever gets worse. Stop beating yourself up. I also got addicted by taking them for legitimate pain from the dr. I quickly got hooked and felt just like you do. I thought I would never get out but I did and you will too!!

[Life2live]

thanks "inner strength"  well update on me....wed i had 5 mg of hydro...none yester day and none no time soon..not because im strong ...because im broke and im out ...i still have soma left i took some last night ...it jsut made me pass out...no joy....

[Innerstrength67]

Darlin, I have thought of checking out, I have felt utter guilt, despair, shame, disgust....you name it!
Maybe your not ready but if you really think about it, are you waiting for rock bottom. You can't imagine what it's like to live without those little white pills, when you are clean, you can't believe those little white pills ruled your life. It's all perspective.
Try and get to an NA meeting. All those people want is for you to get clean...I have never felt judged, in fact when I walk in those rooms I feel like I'm home.

[Innerstrength67]

It's not that we are so strong, we are just on the other side of the addiction and so it appears that way to you. Yes it takes strength but we have all been where you are. The pills start turning on you because your taking too many and your body chemistry is off.
I was TERRIFIED to quit. But I did it and so can you. Baby steps. If you can't taper than you need to pick a date and just take it one hour at a time.

[Life2live]

as long as the pain of living is greater than the pain using i continue.
when the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of simply living ill stop.if there is a god i need him now..bless everyone

[Life2live]

I should go to an NA meeting but im ashamed. What I havent said is that i am/ was in AA for my alcohol and went to treatment and halfway house and meetings and lead and sponsored. (no relapse) I had NO idea about this stuff narc was not my DOC. I had no idea i would get injured and no idea the vics would run my life. No I havent drank I am a sucess in AA by the grace of god 17 years. but now this shi_. I feel lost and wish this ride would end. I want to feel happy again, walk with my head up. strong again proud with dignity. all thats gone. I feel like I let everyone down and my only salvation is in a little white pill that used to hold promise but now does nothing but hurt me. You guys that are making it god bless you. sometimes but not always i think about checking out of this hell hole of a life. God bless you guys,,i will keep reading and writing ..forgive me but u guys are all i got..

[littlebit667]

Have you considered going to an NA meeting.  I have heard so many say that it really helps.  You don't have to be clean to go, you just want to know that you want to or even that maybe you want to!  We are not strong at first.  It is a hard battle and the strength came for me AFTER I go thru the withdrawals.  I guess I was stubborn and wanted my brain to work again.  It is slowly coming back.  Today I spent 4 hours at my favorite coffee shop and laughed and loved being there. I had not felt that way in years!!  I realized my brain was letting me have fun.  I had forgotten fun.  I was used to being numb.  My brain is not back all the way yet and I look forward to the day I can say I am back.  I want that for you.

[all_alone1]

Don't feel bad it took me two months to decide to taper(not brave enough to go cold turkey)I cept coming back to this site and just 5 days ago decide I was ready to at least try. I am not going to lie it is not easy, first of all to make the desision, and second to keep you mind on the prize of getting clean. You don't know how many times during the day I have to keep myself in check it is annoying but nessisary to monitor my intake. I have found that keeping a journal to jot down everything I put in my mouth daily seems to be helping me.

[rnangel]

Sounds like you are thoughfully working through the circumstances that surround your addiction. This clearly indicates that you are NOT a loser, but a person who is willing to be accountable for your actions. Being able to write out your thoughts and feelings will empower you to develop a recovery plan that is meaningful to you. Continue to use writing as a process for self discovery. Everyone can benefit from keeping a journal. Remember that you are not your behavior. Feel free to give a shout out anytime..this is a great place to vent, engage in mutual support and access info. I'm sending well wishes your way :o)

[Life2live]

Im sorry gang..i feel like the folks on here are strong and getting help and quitting..and im jsut reading ..scared to take the plunge.  I feel sometimes like why did God make me like this.? ..is this all there is ?  life suxs then ur an addict then u die in some dark hotel room?  sorry to seem emotional but this is hard for me. I dont want to do anything anymore I jsut dont want to feel...The vics stopped working its like they turned on me...waht used to give me euphoria  now jsut makes me sick....

thanks for the comments...you guys are making it..and it gives me hope too

[littlebit667]

I came here like you and lurked for a day or two.  I had no interest in posting and was trying to find help with withdrawals that I was starting to have.  Before I knew it I was posting and got so much help and support.  It really helped me get to my 33 day clean.  It is doable says the 60 year old momma!
When you are ready to get clean let us know and you will get the help you need.  You are not a loser, you are an addict.  A loser is a person who never thinks to stop and you have!

[Innerstrength67]

I agree with angel_lina. Your not a loser. Gosh I felt that way so many times. But, it's just not true. Your an addict and addicts do things we wouldn't normally do because our body, mind and soul are addicted to relief from pain. This happens to millions of people every year. I can't begin to tell you how many lies I told to get my Vic's. I seriously had a love affair going on with my Vic's and nobody in my life knew.
If your really serious about getting off the drugs, you can do it my friend. We are here for you and will help you. I'm 25 days clean and never thought I could stop.
Hang in there!!!!!

[laurel453]

Hi :) don't feel  like a loser, you are not... we are all gazelles and lions ( sorry if it is not you , but i think it is you who wrote  this beautiful post about them ...) who do what we are supposed to do... when in pain, emotional or physically, we want to stop it, you didn't know what you were getting into, you didn't chose to have an addiction but you can chose to ask for help and quit the pills ....when we get sick of being sick with the pills, we can make a decision and be determined

[Tattoo67]

the first step to getting off pills is admitting you have a problem, so I looks like you made the first step.  Stick around here there is great support and advice.  I was on 10 sometimes 15 Vic a day and now I am 10 days clean thanks to these boards and N/A.  I not easy but it can be done.  Look around and develop a plan to stop and stick with it.  Some people tapper off slowly some just stop cold turkey (I'm a turkey guy).  The first few days are rough but after a week it gets better.  Best of luck and stick around you are worth it.  

[all_alone1]

You are not a looser. At least in the beginning you really needed them. I took norco for a migraine whe my mom encouraged me to try it and I have been hooked every since. Believe you me, in here you are not alone. People are great in here they do not judge but help and encourage.