Fail....

[Kelseago]

Crap.....i was gonna avoid this but you guys prob understand. I was having a good day. I was being productive...unpacking, cleaning n such. Well i found 20 of my "little friends". I held them for 30 mins going back n forth to the trash. I failed.....i took 3 feeling great at first but now the guilt comes. I kept telling myself look how much energy you have!!  You can get the whole house unpacked!!!  I know I messed up. I'm waiting for my husband to come home and dreading having to tell him. I will though, too much trust has been lost by my addiction

[dominosarah]

And i wish you a lifetime of recovery, one day at a time~~~~sara

[Kelseago]

Thank you so much. I've never been around such understanding people. You guys are simply amazing. I wish you guys all the best!

[New2This2010]

Hey there, well I just want to say I totally agree with eyeofhorus2010, yes you did slip up but at least you did not do it bad enough to have to go through fulll withdrawls. I feel like a dumb butt myself because I had actually gotten clean at one point like 6 mo ago. I got past all the withdrawls FINALLY (which I never could before and why I never had quit) so finally I just did it and got through the WDs and was starting to feel "normal" again. I was clean for like a month and then this girl at work was popping a pill and my curiosity gets the best of me and I was like what is that and she tells me oh a Hydrocodone. So before I even KNOW what hit me she is giving me one PLUS basically like well here you can have all these too. So not only did I slip up, but so hardcore that  I totally got hooked on them to the point I'd have to go through full WDs again! UGH I was soooooooo mad at myself. Then to top it off I ended up getting pregnant and I told my Dr and he said I couldn't just stop again since I was pregnant and WDs can be harmful to baby so now I find myself on a taper plan and can't get off now if I WANTED to right now! The moral of my story is, yes we ALL have our slipups and it doesn't make us terrible people. As for your husband, yes he does care about you. My husband takes mine and ONLY gives me my allotted amount no matter what I try to barter with, beg or plead and OHHHHHH it makes me mad hahah, but I know deep down inside he is doing the right thing. That saying in NA "one is to many and a 1,000 is never enough" is sooooo true. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up and you did the right thing by fessing up. I wish you the best of luck, hang in there and take care and know you are loved and cared about by us on here and your family and you ARE a good person!

[dominosarah]

This is the reason we preach recovery care so much on here.  I am happy that you fessed up to your husband.  Why not start your NA meetings now?   Using is just a symptom of what is going on here so the quicker you get started the better off you will be.  Let us know how it goes okay?   Chin up girl, you can do this!!        sara

[dani170]

Relapse is part of recovery!! Once you get clean, you won't BELIEVE the natual high you get from life!!! Trust me...I've been through it!! Hang in there and never ever give up!!

[bird546]

Hi there,
Your gonna be fine, so you made a mistake and you have admitted it with honesty and humility. Most recovering addicts don't get it right the first time around. Lord knows I didn't. It's about progress not perfection. Honesty is critical to long term recovery. Might wanna make a very intense search thru yor home and car with your husband to make sure it's clean. If you don't have a sponsor, finding one and calling them will help to avoid this if comes up again. Your actually kinda lucky if you start over with a white chip and a hug. Your only real consequence for this is a better understanding if the disease , which is cunning, baffling and powerful. Keep your guard up, stay honest and hit those meetings.
Peace....

[Kelseago]

Thanks so much you fuys. I am a very lucky woman to have found this place. I can only hope that i get atleaat this much from my NA meetings I start next wk

[pillfree21]

He obviously loves you and has forgiven you, now you must continue to forgive yourself and see the blessings that you have in him and your children.  I know it is a lot easier said than done, but I just wanted to add a little encouragement to your efforts and let you know that you are not a failure for taking the pills right in front of you, many of us with short time in recovery can not handle that type of challenge either, you did a great thing by not hiding the other 17 and continuing to take them.  I wish you the best with your recovery.

[swflafun]

Kelseago - We learn from our mistakes. You made one. Its not the end of the world. Just accept it and learn from it. One of my cardinal rules of business: Always learn from your mistakes...we all do make them.

Gary

[swflafun]

Kelsago - you know you made a mistake. No harm in that. Follow the advice of the Eye, he is very helpful and gave some good advice..as you know. Without mistakes, we don't learn...

Gary

[Kelseago]

:) thank you so much. You guys are amazing!  I'm really glad I found this place!

[ImDONENoMore]

There you go - the right attitude will be key to your recovery and soon, you will KNOW you can do it, actually, you ARE doing it.  :)  p.s. and i agree, i think many of us start taking drugs to feel better about ourselves.  it's normal and soon you'll realize just how special you are.  we see it - so you should too!

[Kelseago]

Thanks Imdone...i'm trying, trying really hard. I've always been this way. I guess that's why I went to drugs in the first place. They made me happy, like myself, outgoing.  I can do it though, i will do it...

[Kelseago]

Omg sorry abt the repeat posts...my phone is being weird. So i wrote again. Sorry!

[ImDONENoMore]

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  We ALL make mistakes.  You've recognized them and have learned from them (which many people whether they're an addict or not DON'T do).  That is the absolute best you can expect from yourself.  Be kind to you.  :)  p.s. everyone deserves another chance.

[Kelseago]

Thanks you guys :). Eyes congrats on your 70 days!  That's amazing!!  I'm glad to see I'm not alone with my rambling. It really is very liberating letting this all out. You're exactly right on the lieing. My worst screw up with my husband he was just mad I lied. I was with another man (to obtain drugs) and he was more that i lied to him about it. He knew why I did it, which disgusts me to this day.  I am just now getting to where I can truly open with him. It's just not how i was raised. I was raised in a strict italian family where you only aired your problems in confession. I started out by just writing him letters, i'm just not good at talking aloud. Which is why my first meeting next week scare the crap out of me. Thanks again you guts for your words of encouragement. I can do this.....i have to

[Kelseago]

I don't plan on leaving. It's sooo refreshing to just let it all out. I've never been able to do this before. I'm glad to know I'm not the only rambler. Lol. You're exactly right about the lieing. That's exactly what my husbands has told me. I was unfaithful (so i could score my drugs) and he wasn't mad that I did it. He was crazy mad that I lied and he had to find out smwhere else. He said it hurt him that i couldn't come to him. He knew i was just looking for a way to get what i wanted. I have come a long way with him. I tryto talk to him. I do better writing him letters. That bothered him at first, but he knew it was all i could do. I wasn't raised to communicate. Coming from a sicilian family we confessed to our priest and that was it. I just learned to write things down. My husband almost sent me to an institution when i was pregnant the second time. I was very sucidal. Looking back I'm disgusted with myself. My withdrawls were so bad, but i stayed sober for my baby. He is an amazing little guy. It's hard to stay sober with no baby keeping me that way. Again with the rambling... Congrats on your 70 days!  Thats awesome!

[ImDONENoMore]

You're alright in my book too!  :)  Keep going girl - you're getting there.  :)

[eyeofhorus2010]

You are so welcome. Sometimes we need to be reminded what's real and what's not. Sounds like you grew up in a less than ideal enviroment. That's not you fault and you can't carry the guilt of what your parents did or didn't do any longer.

You mentioned that your husband came close to leaving over your actions. He came close to leaving because of the lying. I know for a fact that our spouses will tolerate a lot but they will not tolerate being lied to over and over again. Today you made a mistake but you didn't lie about it. That's progress. I've hit 70 days clean today and you know what? It feels good to not worry about hiding from my wife for a change. I share so much with her now that I may be turning into a girl myself. I'm usually tight lipped.  We've been together for 24 years and married for 22. She has put up with me for the last 9 and the fact that she's still here tells me she loves me not matter what. We have a saying we share "You jump, I jump" meaning that we will always be there for each other. If I jumped off a 30 story building I could look over my shoulder and there she would be. There for me.

By the way, next to "WanttobeNormalAgain" I ramble pretty bad myself.  It's theraputic for me to just let my thoughts flow and to share with others. You're one of the good ones here so don't leave us anytime soon okay? You're alright Kelsea.

[Kelseago]

I have never felt fully understood until i came to this sight.  Eyeofhorus thank you for your kind words. It's nice knowing other people with the same struggles. My father is a recovered/ing addict and alchy and he was never open with us. My mother couldn't handle it after 20 yrs. I just can't let this ruin what I have. My family has truly gone through it. My dad has been sober for abt 13 yrs and I have been using for abt 14. (i didn't use during pregnancies). My poor mother has had to handle too much. I've been with my husband for ten years, so he's had ten yrs of it. He just thought I was the fun party girl, but the party never stopped. He's been close to leaving for my actions while using, I'm blessed he didn't. I'm rambling....sorry. Thank you so much for your kind words

[eyeofhorus2010]

Hey, don't beat yourself up over this. You haven't failed. You merely stumbled just like every single one of us have. I can't count the number of times I cheated when I was counting clean days with my wife.  She would think I was on day 50 but I was sneaking them by the time I hit the 14 day mark. I would do that and let her continue being proud of me for being clean. I broke her heart so many times by not being honest with her about it, she only wanted to help and I took that away from her again and again.

At least you had the courage to come clean with your husband right away. So! do you really think you failed? Not in my book, not by a long shot. You're doing well, it's early in your recovery and you just haven't learned the coping skills yet that would get you past finding pills and then not to take them. Eventually you will be able to handle it so ease up on yourself a little.

Hey, at least this isn't going to require going through withdrawals again. Also, you husband does trust and love you, he just doesn't trust the addiction. No harm in that. Lean on him all you need to. He's your partner in this and wants you to succeed just as much as you want. You'll be fine, take a breath and take some time to discuss with your husband why you were compelled to take those with no thought at all. We have to crawl before we walk right? You'll be alright, this isn't the end of the world. We still have faith in you and want you to get past this. You'll never be a disapointment to this community. Your one of us after all.

[Kelseago]

I'm trying very hard not to think about them. I'm very greatful that I have a husband that cares enough for me not to enable me. I feel such shame in doing this. I have been trying so hard. I know this will pass eventually. He even took the trash outside thinking I wouldn't be able to resist. It's very sad to me that he's trained to my condition this way. Atleast he cares. That's what I keep telling myself. Thanks so much for talking to me and listening

[vicki595]

Listen...it will be okay eventually. You did the right things here. There will be tests along the way.

For now,move on from this. Don't think about the pills. Go get dinner. Time is a great healer.

[Kelseago]

If anyone wondered, I did tell him and he took it as well as one can. He asked where the rest were. I told him and he threw them away. I know he did what I need but I hate "wasting" them. I'm seriously stressing right now