Aa
Failing
I still am struggling with getting off these Roxys. They are the devil. Everyday I say I am going to do this, I want a better life and everyday, as I start not to feel good, I start freaking out, and I give in. This sounds kind of weird but it's almost as if my body takes over my heart and mind, and just makes me get these stupid pills. I don't want to do it but my body doesn't care how I feel. I been looking in the mirror since I joined this website the other day, I just feel like sh*t, look like sh*t...it's horrible. Even this morning, I was looking into my eyes and seeing nothing. They don't look bright and healthy anymore. I still have my subutex, but I don't want to be on anything. I have no more money left anyway, so I can't even get pills now, but I know the subs will keep me from w/d. Even though I don't want to even be on subutex, I have a bunch of things I have to do this weekend, and next week that i HAVE to do, and there is no way I can do it while being sick. I almost deleted this profile because I feel like people just look at me like I am not serious, and that I am a joke, but there is nothing I want more in this life than to get clean. I just dream of the day I can wake up drug free, feeling alive, and healthy. I dream of the day I can feel great and be high on life. I messed up this morning, so I feel ok now, and that is when I make all these plans and feel this way, but as soon as it starts wearing off, my feelings are out the window. Sometimes I even dream of just ending my life, even though I know that's the easy way out. I just think I would rather die than keep battling this demon. I am tearing right now because I would literally give anything to beat this.
To everyone- Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement. This site is so wonderful, since I have found it the other day, I am on here everyday reading all the posts. It's amazing how many people go through the same exact thing and it is so comforting knowing that you are not alone. I have been down this road many times before. I don't know if anyone read my initial post, but 8 years ago I got "clean" from a IV heroin addiction. When I say "clean", it wasn't really 100%. I still always drank, and did other things..I just thought I was ok because I wasn't on the heroin and I never had a "habit". Last year I decided to stop all of the pills and subs, I tapered for a week with the subs (2 mg), jumped off and took motrin all day and xanax to sleep. It honestly wasn't as horrible as I thought, and I worked everyday of it. I relapsed because even though it wasn't as horrible, I am such a wimp, and couldn't take being SOOO cold everyday. Those chills really got to me...esp. when I was working. Nothing seemed to help except for at night I would take a bath for an hour, the hottest bath and it felt like heaven. I just don't know why I can't get back to the mindset I was in last year. This is what I am struggling with now...my partner's 30th birthday is next Wed...she does them too. (that is a whole diff. story because she was never addicted to anything before me, so I feel tremendous guilt). Our tradition on our birthdays is to get messed up...I know she really wants to get clean too but I don't know if it is as much as me. I know she will be expecting them...I just feel so hopeless. I am going to keep reading the posts on this website and follow everyone's advice. Everytime I write on here though, and I mess up, I just don't want people to think I am not serious, and stop writing to me. I don't have anyone in my life I can turn to about this, well anyone that is clean that can really help, so I need you guys even though I don't know anyone. You all have been motivating me so much, and I want to say thank you.
Julez, you just basically described my life in your reply, seriously. The waiting game, lying to everyone, not being able to be productive, NOT getting high at all, no matter the amoun, and so fourth. I too am sick of depending on something to get me through a day. I hate who I have become. It's just so weird because I don't remember going through all this when I was on heroin, but it was a different situation at the time. I just hate my life. I am 29, and look at the people around me who have what I want. I then look at myself and reaize I have nothing. I even got fired from my job in Feb after 8 years. I have zero money, and even though I am on unemployment, that goes in a day. I literally have nothing and I just feel worthless. I am on 2mg of subutex, and I share them with my gf. I do take them inbetween getting pills, I never really took them the correct way. I don't want to be on ANYTHING. Also, my gf's younger sister is 19 and is an IV heroin user. She is in rehab right now, and I lie to her family about being clean, and give her advice, and pretend life is so great, it is disgusting what the truth really is. Ugh. I think instead of doing things day by day, I have to do them more like hour to hour. I also need to talk to my gf because we just never are on the same page, and one of us always messes up the other. You guys are the bravest, strongest people, and any addict who has gotten through this are the most inspirational people I know. Thank you everyone again, please keep talking to me. The more I read, the most motivated I get!
Julez, you just basically described my life in your reply, seriously. The waiting game, lying to everyone, not being able to be productive, NOT getting high at all, no matter the amoun, and so fourth. I too am sick of depending on something to get me through a day. I hate who I have become. It's just so weird because I don't remember going through all this when I was on heroin, but it was a different situation at the time. I just hate my life. I am 29, and look at the people around me who have what I want. I then look at myself and reaize I have nothing. I even got fired from my job in Feb after 8 years. I have zero money, and even though I am on unemployment, that goes in a day. I literally have nothing and I just feel worthless. I am on 2mg of subutex, and I share them with my gf. I do take them inbetween getting pills, I never really took them the correct way. I don't want to be on ANYTHING. Also, my gf's younger sister is 19 and is an IV heroin user. She is in rehab right now, and I lie to her family about being clean, and give her advice, and pretend life is so great, it is disgusting what the truth really is. Ugh. I think instead of doing things day by day, I have to do them more like hour to hour. I also need to talk to my gf because we just never are on the same page, and one of us always messes up the other. You guys are the bravest, strongest people, and any addict who has gotten through this are the most inspirational people I know. Thank you everyone again, please keep talking to me. The more I read, the most motivated I get!
Hey Melissa! You've admitted your problem, which in some cases is the hardest part! Great for you!
I was in the EXACT same boat as you! I just really, really pumped myself up for the withdrawal, saying to myself "You're going to kick this withdrawal in the a**!". I had to MENTALLY prepare myself for the withdrawal. Once I knew it was coming and I was going to see it through, it made it a little more bearable. Yes, you will feel bad, yes, you MAY be a little depressed, but think of it like going through fire to get to paradise. I can assure you with 100% certainty that life DOES get better and you will be PROUD of what you've done!!
Sit down, take a deep breath and tell yourself "I'm ready -- let's do this!!". Buckle up and walk through fire!
I was in the EXACT same boat as you! I just really, really pumped myself up for the withdrawal, saying to myself "You're going to kick this withdrawal in the a**!". I had to MENTALLY prepare myself for the withdrawal. Once I knew it was coming and I was going to see it through, it made it a little more bearable. Yes, you will feel bad, yes, you MAY be a little depressed, but think of it like going through fire to get to paradise. I can assure you with 100% certainty that life DOES get better and you will be PROUD of what you've done!!
Sit down, take a deep breath and tell yourself "I'm ready -- let's do this!!". Buckle up and walk through fire!
Girl i feel you and i know its hard i have been there and done that. Im on subutex to. You just gotta delete your dealers numbers and tell them not to call you when they have them and dont hang out with people that do them also cause if your around it your just gonna give in. My drug of choice used to be roxys to and oxys but more so the roxys. Its crazy how such a little blue pill could do so much harm. An if you say you really do want it and your 100% then you can do it girl its just up to you and know one else. Just delete them numbers girl and tell people you just wanna be left alone for a few days so you can get threw the hardest part of the W/D. You just gotta load up on them subutex not just take one. Take 2 and as soon as you start feeling bad again take a nother one. Thats the mistake people tend to make is just taken one and then they say it doesnt work. Yes it does work you just gotta load up, thats what i did and ive been clean of pills for 2 years. I hated who i was on the pills, i hate the lieing from my family, i hated not knowing if i was gonna have money to get them and the waiting around game for someone to have them and the worst part is needed them just to feel normal not evening getting high anymore. I just got sick of something having control over me. What mg of subutex are you on? best of luck
cravings: you fight through it. I laid in my room and kicked and screamed into my pillow a couple weeks ago I was so frustrated but it felt good. I watch comedies, I listen to music, I go work out, I walk my dog, I talk to my honey about how I'm feeling, therapy, I meditate, I go take a shower.
It is all about just doing whatever you can until you get past it.
It is all about just doing whatever you can until you get past it.
Hey Melissa - welcome. Your body is going to want the drug and going through withdrawal is just part of it, no matter how bad you hurt you have to keep the goal of sobriety in your mind. I'm not a fan of subs honestly becasue I think a lot of people will substitute those in place of the drug of choice but I know lots and lots of people have had success. IF you can do this without them I think that is preferable.
There isn't any magic solution here other than the want to get off the pills and that has to outweigh the physical need for the pills. Getting through days 2 & 3 are rough but then every day gets a little better and within 4 or 5 days you'll be through the worst of it. Then you'll deal with the lingering exhaustion and overall tired feeling for a couple of weeks, this is usually when the mind starts playing tricks as you know.
What should you do different? Think about that question and remember what you have done in the past that hasn't worked. Did you ever set up after care such as N/A meetings, counseling, therapy? If not that is a great place to start, posting here is good support. Also ya gotta cut off your dealers, sources and put up roadblocks to foil you when you are not strong enough. Staying away from people, places or things you associate taking a pill with.
Getting clean is fairly easy, staying clean is a process and a commitment. Also remember this is a journey - you dont' just get clean and everything is peachy. All that emotional baggage, insecurity, trauma that may have led you to dull your feelings will be waiting for you on the other side so starting to work on acceptance of yourself is critical. Remember time and patience, be gentle with yourself as you are so fragile right now.
We'll all be here to support you and answer questions. Are you ready to get your life back Melissa? Big hugs your way as I know you are scared.
There isn't any magic solution here other than the want to get off the pills and that has to outweigh the physical need for the pills. Getting through days 2 & 3 are rough but then every day gets a little better and within 4 or 5 days you'll be through the worst of it. Then you'll deal with the lingering exhaustion and overall tired feeling for a couple of weeks, this is usually when the mind starts playing tricks as you know.
What should you do different? Think about that question and remember what you have done in the past that hasn't worked. Did you ever set up after care such as N/A meetings, counseling, therapy? If not that is a great place to start, posting here is good support. Also ya gotta cut off your dealers, sources and put up roadblocks to foil you when you are not strong enough. Staying away from people, places or things you associate taking a pill with.
Getting clean is fairly easy, staying clean is a process and a commitment. Also remember this is a journey - you dont' just get clean and everything is peachy. All that emotional baggage, insecurity, trauma that may have led you to dull your feelings will be waiting for you on the other side so starting to work on acceptance of yourself is critical. Remember time and patience, be gentle with yourself as you are so fragile right now.
We'll all be here to support you and answer questions. Are you ready to get your life back Melissa? Big hugs your way as I know you are scared.
Melissa, it's the Thomas recipe. It's so true that prayer changes things. God can do more than we can ask or think. You do your part He will do the rest. I'm praying for you, myself and others.
sorry about the typos.
dont ever think those negative thoughts again that it would be better to end your life. that is not an option.
dont ever think those negative thoughts again that it would be better to end your life. that is not an option.
Are you taking the roxy and Subetex? You're probably driving your body crazy. Can't you just stick to the subextex for a while to help with the cravings and get rid of the others so it's not even an option for you? Try weaning off that way and then it's going to be up to you to get help to stay clean. It's hard and you want this, so you'te just going to have to make your mind up and stick to it. There are no easy answers and everyones different but you have to make a plan and stick with it.
Hello. I know it's really hard. I understand all of those feelings you just described. I have been on pills for about 5 years for chronic back pain. I have tried to quit several times, but couldn't get out of bed to get anything done. I am battling right now, but I'm more deteined than ever. I went and got the ingredients for the Thas recipe. Hoping it helps. It's only been 4 days but I couldn't go 4 hours. You can do it. Get up tomorrow and try again. You may try the weaning method so you don't feel
Like you're joking off a bridge.
Like you're joking off a bridge.
melissa,
it will take time for you to get through the withdrawals and time for you to have decreased cravings. yes your body and your brain are taking over your mind and will at this point. your body and brain are used to being fed the pills. get rid of all the pills. just take it minute by minute, dont think too far ahead. you can do this. you can live a drug free life. you deserve to be happy and you will be.
get to some counseling and support groups. keep yourself busy walk,exercise, to take your mind off of pills. do you have someone you can spend time with to help you and encourage you? do you have a clergymen you can speak with?
dont ever think those thoughts never thoughts again. you can beat this demon. dont let him control or rule your life anymore. pray and ask GOD to help you. pray for the chains and bondage of addiction to be broken.
stay on the forum as much as possible and post for support and read about others who have clean days behind them. you can do it too.
i know you can. believe in yourself. think positive thoughts.
take control of your thoughts and your mind, if you have to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are stronger than the pills and the demons.
sending hugs,support,encourgement,prayers
debbie
it will take time for you to get through the withdrawals and time for you to have decreased cravings. yes your body and your brain are taking over your mind and will at this point. your body and brain are used to being fed the pills. get rid of all the pills. just take it minute by minute, dont think too far ahead. you can do this. you can live a drug free life. you deserve to be happy and you will be.
get to some counseling and support groups. keep yourself busy walk,exercise, to take your mind off of pills. do you have someone you can spend time with to help you and encourage you? do you have a clergymen you can speak with?
dont ever think those thoughts never thoughts again. you can beat this demon. dont let him control or rule your life anymore. pray and ask GOD to help you. pray for the chains and bondage of addiction to be broken.
stay on the forum as much as possible and post for support and read about others who have clean days behind them. you can do it too.
i know you can. believe in yourself. think positive thoughts.
take control of your thoughts and your mind, if you have to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are stronger than the pills and the demons.
sending hugs,support,encourgement,prayers
debbie
How do I get these cravings to go away? I know people tell me that I have to want it, but I do. I am 100% willing and ready to go through the w/d but my cravings are just so strong that there is nothing I can do to make it stop. What do I have to do? What do I do differently?
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