Second Day 1

[hiskidd]

I'm back again, ashamed to say
I've wasted 41 clean days
I started taking two pills a week
On days when thing looked hectic or bleak
I thought the numbness would help to cure
Instead it made my vision blur
My fog returned, despair took seat
At the table of my retreat
Back to the cycle of excuse and reason
A common case of biological treason
I told myself that "I needed this,"
But really wanted tainted bliss
It wasn't long before I got ill
And felt I needed an extra pill

The effects weren't as strong
The euphoria wasn't long
And all along
Things just felt wrong

What's good today is a new Day 1
The pills are flushed, I am God's son
I'll call my doc to tell him no
Please ban me from narcotics, bro
I need to stick it out this time
Or years of sobriety won't be mine
I have an outlook that has some hope
I've untied the noose from this devilish rope

Pray for me non judging friends
The means are choppy to my end
But that end will prove to be
Filled with love and clarity

[dominosarah]

And a big CONGRATS on 5 days!!!!  Yaaaaa You!!

[dominosarah]

I know you will fight and do this!!  We will be right behind you cheering you on~~

[hiskidd]

Sara, I was hoping to hear from you again! Thank you. Had a good evening. Even went OUT to dinner. Was social. Played games with my kids. I had been a hermit since Saturday.

I will fight. I will. David

[dominosarah]

Congrats on coming back with a good positive attitude!!  You didnt let anyone down except yourself.  Fight with everything you have and make you the No1 priority.  Hold that clean time sacred and do whatever it takes to stay clean.  You can do this!!!       sara

[hiskidd]

Update - It's my 3rd Day 4 is coming to a close with success. I don't mean/want to draw attention to myself, but I feel I have some folks on here who have invested in my that I let down.

I'm getting back up - even as I type - I will do things different. I will look for those triggers and eliminated some of them too.

I'm not afraid of failing anymore. I don't want to waste my life.

[hiskidd]

Just found a meeting. Gonna try it tomorrow night. Kind of late, but a good investment.

[hiskidd]

Thanks, IB - Laurel, I'm doing pretty good. Eating right, getting rest, and some treadmill. I haven't been able to see my doctor, but his nurse told me that he would no longer write oxy for me because I'm under pain management care. This is a good thing, because I did tell the pain doc that I had WD from oxy over Christmas break, and that I didn't want to take it anymore. I'll see my primary at the end of the month to finally give him the fill ins...

I guess, I need to take things one "moment" at a time. Sometimes those moments feel like an hour or string of hours, sometimes days. But I do feel this really is the tail-end of this chapter of my life. I'm not saying it's easy. It's hard. But some moments are truly better than others.

Our family computer is "down" because the wireless card is acting up, so I haven't been online as much. I'll keep checking in, and probably do a little more journaling soon.

As of this minute, my goal is to find a meeting this week and go to my first one. Call me on it. Know you are loved and appreciated. David

[laurel453]

David, how are doing   ? :)

[IBKleen]

Good for you!

Here is the link to finding a meeting near you.

http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/

I wish you the best.

[hiskidd]

Thanks all. Gnarly, I will find a meeting. I won't just say it. I think I discovered a big trigger that I had not considered before. I'm praying for God to have mercy and give me guidance. I don't want to waste my life.

I love you all.

David

[gnarly_1]

HI David great poem ....I truly believe you want out of this cycle it no fun having your addiction run your life and what starts out as 2 pills quickly spirals into 4 then 6 till your hooked again
the critical step your missing here is some sort of aftercare im a Christian also most of my church knows of my addiction and recovery I ...I go to a bible study with 3 other recovering addicts but even thats not enough....you need to plug into something like N/A or go to a substance abuse conslor I do both and buy Gods grace I have remained clean
God has been huge in my recovery and always will be but you need to learn the tools and skills to treat the addicted brain...for it is the very way we think that needs to change
the pills are just one of the symptoms of the real problem PLEASE trust me on this one and get pluged in you wont regret it good luck and God bless ...I will add you to my nightly prayer list
.....Gnarly  

[sadlyashamed]

What a true deep in drugs addict told me (good friend of the family) said to me:
"You can get all the support, encouragement, help & rehab in the world but if you dont want to do it for yourself, you will never stay clean"

[natalile]

That was powerful hunny, I write poams when i'm on a low & depressed, craving ect ect lol. But you have talent.
I'm pround of you hun, i'v been a member on here since 07 & it's only after all this time i'm on day 43. Use poams more in your therapy hun coz it will help. It will give you something to look back on in times of weakness. Plz don't beat yourself up. get bk up dust yourself of & start again, Just remember to use what you have learnt from this relapse & use it next time you get that feeling.
Keep postin & get the support that you will defo get of hear, you no we pull no punch's but ill help you ( were some of the best people for addicts to take to )
Anyway i'm rambeling now so one day @ a time ye & keep postin, even if 2 make me smile :)
Peace nat xxx

[ImDONENoMore]

Laurel is SO right David.  She really is.  And all I can say is learn from this fall and recognize what triggered you.  The stress from writing that paper appears to be it - so keep that in mind for the next difficult task so you will be prepared for that stress and better able to handle it.  That's all we can do is continue to learn and get better.  In fact, that's all ANY of us can do whether we're an addict or not.  I'll always be rooting for you.  :)

[laurel453]

Hey, sorry for not being around and answering sooner...but wow, you are relly talented, this was a beautiful piece of a soul and of addiction, so true...David and please ....don't you ever think  that you have let me down NOOOOOOOO..as i have told you before i think that each one of us reach to the point of understanding than living clean is the way through our own experience..maybe we need some experiences before knowing that ...ok, the good thing is that you are on day 2 :)

how are you doing ?

[hiskidd]

Hi you. That is a great question and I thought about it throughout the day. As of tonight my answer is "I don't know." One of my best aftercare dynamics is my wife being in the loop, but all I could think about as I was resting from a 12hr day was... IDK, I'm not promised to never relapse again. I could go 5 days or 5,000. Please don't read a flippant tone, but I am heavily involved in church, and have let my Christmas WD time "out" to at least 7 close confidants for accountability.

It's hard to judge, but when I started taking the pills in a staggered out way, it was to be "pain-free" and amped up to write a 30 page paper. Then it graduated to my wife agreeing to giving me an allowance of 2 pills a week for two hard days that I usually have - Mon and Thurs. Toward the end of last week, and then on Monday of this, I just kind of decided that I felt sick and had pain anyway, so I told her to flush them all, and I would flush the one I had left. I literally felt like it didn't matter if I took 1, 2, or 4 (never went that high in one day), that the best I've felt since Christmas was about day 30 of my WD when I was on the treadmill almost every day, had cut out fast food and soda, and just all around felt hopeful about life.

The bottom line is that I KNOW and FEEL that the pills don't give me that. What I wrote about the toxins blocking the nutrients I am convinced is real. I was feeling my muscles tone a bit from some push ups, and just all-around active.

I took that first pill sometime in early Feb because I was stressed about that paper, and thought I remembered the "high" being better than it was. I did get the paper done, and that first pill was pretty good, but not super euphoric...

I'm off topic, but I wrote all that to say, I hope that I'm just making an informed decision. I'm not craving at the end of day 2, and am actually looking forward to trying to do the treadmill before work - which I rarely do, and maybe even join a gym. My back hurts, don't get me wrong, and I have an MRI coming up, but the clear mind and the hope of life - I hope - will continue to trump the cycle of a quick high, numbness, and then the crash. I do feel blessed not to have worked it into my system enough for major WDs the second time around. The most I felt yesterday was tired, and my normal pain flared up some. Today, I ate a lot, and felt like my healthy self at different intervals.

I guess, we'll see. I know this forum is for people who are serious and really want help, so I hope you don't read that I plan on resetting my tracker at will without a care. I don't want to yoyo and give others the idea that it's ok. I think one BIG piece is that oxycontin is reformulated now. The new stuff isn't as "good" as the old stuff in my opinion. And seeing that pill stick to that porcelien is something I will not soon forget. Cannot be good for the insides. Thanks, Sarah.

[dominosarah]

So what are you going to do differently this time to make sure you dont go thru this again?

[magnoliaooo]

     Great Poem, you are really talented!!!!  I have followed you since you first came on here.Don't get disscouraged I relapsed many times before this last one . To many times to even count the only reason this time is working is because I told my Dr. so I could not get any more pills. Before I would always think after about 40 days that I could manage them when refill time came, but I can't every time led me back to day one all over again. What I have realized is I am completely powerless over those pills. Since you are going to the Dr. be honest with him or her.  If you are in pain they can give you pain meds that are non-narcotic and that will help your pain. I have always so enjoyed your posts and I want to see you succeed. Trust me when I say this I relapsed SO MANY times, the only thing that has worked for me is cutting off all access to the pills.  I know you can do this , I have faith in you.

                                                                Mag

[edw83]

Ive been exactly where you are but I myself lasted 6 months and relapsed so dont be hard on yourself its going to be a life long battle lets face it we are all only pill away from relapsing so the path of the addicts go may god bless you and your journy

[LeaAnn807]

Hey honey!  I'm sorry that this happened.  Sometimes we have to fall (for me it was several falls!) in order to see that we can get back up.  What's important now is figuring out what happened and make plans to keep that from happening again, right?  

Gotta get through WDs.  Get some support.  Exercise. (You did great with that before)  Get good food and vitamins in ya.  Also, when you tell your doctor tomorrow, ask for some advice.  Do you feel depressed?  I started an AD when I was a couple of weeks clean from tramadol, and it helped a lot for a few months to get my brain back to some form of normal.  

You STOP kicking yourself.  There is no benefit in that.  What if I came on here and kicked you when you were down?  Would that be right?  NO!  And it's not right for you to do it to yourself either!  

I'm saying a prayer for you right now!  You will get through this!!! : )  Hang in there!

[hiskidd]

Day 1 is coming to a close. Thank you all again. Be encouraged! David

[hiskidd]

Glad to hear it! Be encouraged. I've been kicking myself, and decided that is not a good strategy/mindset to start out with. Don't give up! This is not my post - haha - and you are not weak. I'll pray for you tonight!

[dede2121]

glad to hear you flushed them. people on here talk about flushing pills all the time. i dont know if i could do it or not. i am a weak person. i am on day 3 now, i think. right now i feel pretty good, except for this crud i have. i am hoping the pills are out of my system now and i wont suffer those miserable  withdrawls because i was only on them a couple of weeks. i guess i should have known i would stumble on my first try. the thing is is that the pills only made me miserable again. why would i choose that over feeling good and being happy? i dont know.
didnt mean to steal your post but i hope what i say helps in some way.
i am with you all the way. we are only a day apart on our 2nd quit.

[jrizzy303]

You are talented and you could use that talent positively. You already used it positive, it sure did impact me.Now like vicki said you need that support. It is crucial. I am at day 47 and looking forward to that 60 day mark. You can do it. Stay positive and strong.