here we go....

[secretlylost]

So, after being sort of a shadow, watching, reading, and really coming to terms with what I think I had already known..I'm ready to ask for help. I suppose I'll start from the beginning. I've had the most horribly painful periods since the day that I started..I couldn't move, sleep, eat, sit still even; the dr's used to tell me it was impossible. I'd pleed with my mother that I swore I felt like I was having a baby, it would feel as if my insides were being ripped out of me, years later this was confirmed when I actually did have children of my own. When I hit 6CM prior to my epidural I remember screaming "I told you! This is it! This is the level". So to back up a little, the dr's would perscribe tyl 3 here and there, then ultram, then vicoden,(since the age of 12) then after they finally realized that I was in fact onto something, what they believe today to be Cronic Pelvic Pain,they have moved me onto Narco or Norco. Pretty bad that its my drug of choice and I can't remember how to spell it;but would a heroine addict give a **** how their substance is spelled. Possibly part of my shame. I was taking my perscribed dose for sometime...then, my husband left for oversea's, I had our daughter on my own and raised her till he came home when she was around 10 months. I'm pretty sure that's when it happened, and I didn't even realize it. I took them more and more because of the calm it would bring me, I was alone and scared as a first time mother, working 40-50 hours a weeK, never missing a beat when remembering to send my husband wonderful care packages every friday, writing a letter a day, ect..there wasn't anything I couldn't do..or that I didn't want people to see I couldn't do. I noticed when I took the pills, I never got worked up or emotional about anything. I was scared to death that I was going to be a horrible mother because of the lack of support and necessary "breaks" that I wasn't privy to either. Suprisingly, I was amazing, it was euphoric, her and I, good days or bad, were peas in a pod. I cherished even her angry, fussy moments..because taking the pills allowed me patients..I think. Then my husband came home and I thought after a year apart we would just hop right back into the day he left. Big suprise. So, guess what...yes, I took more pills. I'm sure I drifted because I just put it outta sight outta mind. I've suprised myself in so so many ways..I've learned that I'm very deceitful and sneeky, dishonest and confused. That I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am, and I'm weakening with each moment that this has its hands wrapped around my life. I've finally told my husband, and he's by no means stupid..he's known prior to my telling him. But then I think, is he stupid? Would I stay with me? What a nut ball. Or worse, I HAVE to stay with this woman becAuse she's the mother of my children. Presently, I'm up to about, wow, this is making me sick and scared ******** just saying it, about 15-20 Norco a day. I haven't gone to extreme lengths to get them, but I wouldn't bE telling the truth if I told you I hadn't thought about it. I'm so so horrible to him if I don't have them in my blood..I'm so angry and hateful..I hate myself when I realize the things I've said to him, for no reason at all. This man came into my life like a dream..he truely was my knight and shining..well, you know. I'm going to loose him even though he says that I won't. I need to know how to do this, I'm terrified but I know, I know I can do it. I look at people all the time and think..they are going through the day without relying on the things...I can too..right? Someone has to know a way for me. I know that someone will read this and be able to "turn on my lightbulb". So...where are you?

[Ann2497]

So you decided to start CT now instead of the week of Thanksgiving?  Do you have to work on Monday?  I hope you are taking it easy today.

[littlebit667]

Just be prepared to not feel great!  It is what it is.  Just plan on getting thru it one HOUR at a time.  Soon you can start counting the days.  Are you doing anything from the Thomas Recipe??  It really helps.

[secretlylost]

So, boys and girls...day 1 of ct..and I could care less about doing anything..breathing is taking effort. I'm sure this is normal..but I...awwwww crap I lost my train of thought

[jlannspr]

I always obtained mine off the street. I got started when my husband would take them. 1/2 of a 10 use to make me sick. Hard to believe. We divorced three months ago and a really good friend was getting them for me. I was spending $210/week. Thats $840 a month!!! I have a new boyfriend that has no idea. He is perfect, has a great family, and doesn't take pills. He has used the term "pill head" in referencing someone else. I just got a knot in my stomach, thinking "that's me." I could be refered to as that. It makes me sick. I know I have to do this to have any kind of honest future. I have talked with one other friend briefly, but other than that I'm on my own. I have ya'll though!! Look I just made it through that 8:30 craving typing this.

[littlebit667]

Also, start taking the recipe about a week before you start.  It helps to build it up.  Well, except for the tranks!

[littlebit667]

I was not comfortable with the tranks.  I did everything else;  I cut back on the L-tryosine as it made me very anxious.  I finally quit it altogether for awhile.  A week will get you through the most of it.  Here is my newby post that I will share here.

I kept telling myself...YOU HAVE the FLU!  It will be over and I will feel so much better.  My brain seemed to get that and settled down a little.  It is hard, but doable!  The Thomas Recipe (bottom of the page under Health Pages  will help.  I did not to the tranquilizers and had to cut back on the Ltryosine, but the rest really helped.  Imodium, Imodium, Imodium (liquid or pills if the liquid can't be found or you can't swallow it) will help.  I took double the dosage for a few days (personal choice) and it helped so much..even with the withdrawals in general and the opiate trots which sucked.  

Hydrate and eat!  Even if it is just a little every hour or so.  You have to eat something to keep your energy up as much as possible.  

If you have Restless legs..it is hit or miss what works.  Walking seemed to help me some.  Hot bath with epsom salts..a little.  I finally had to get my doctor to refill my restless legs meds (non addictive) to get some sleep.  If nothing works,your doctor might help.  

One hour at a time is all anyone can ask.  After 2 weeks it gets a little better and I started to say, One day at a time!  Your brain will do all sorts of things to get you to take a pill.  I found if I was hungry..the cravings got worse.  I would try to eat a banana, a few grapes or a few crackers to get that under control.

Good for you.  I hope all goes well.  You have made a good start coming here....this site has helped me so much!!!  Keep posting!!!!!

[secretlylost]

jlannspr,you have that "bend and snap" reflex to get in your purse too!? Whew we are a lot alike! So if you don't mind me asking, how did you obtain yours? Perscribed?

[secretlylost]

Not so well..how are you doing!! I just wanted to let you know, I'm very very proud of you!! Could you send some of your strongwill my way :) have you been able to confide in anyone yet?

[jlannspr]

I've found that the w/d symptoms drag out when tapering, but I was on 5 per day. I would't want to try to quit more than 10 per day cold turkey. This morning is my first morning at work, and my craving is usually at 8:30, to kick off the day....not going to happen this morning. I have B6 pills to supplement the usual bend down in my purse and find an excuse to take a pill. I have brief moments of WOW, this is how my life use to be, and I can tell my body wants to be back to normal. Just because you fall once, get back up, don't use that as a crutch to just say F it.

[secretlylost]

Ugh thank you littlebit!! I thought I was just being a b****! I looked at him like REALLY?!? Ugh. So here's my concern..and its a little crazy I know, so let me try and explain the best I can. Do I go cold turkey when I still have them available to me or when there's not a sniff of them in the house? I am comforted with knowing that they are there, but feel as if I would go into a tailspin realizing they are gone and no refill's. What's best? I already know at this point I'm just not cut out for tapering..yet..not sure when I should start ct. I have the week off for thanksgiving starting end of day friday the 18th..I was counting on going ct that sunday the 20th (I believe that's the date) that way I have a full 7 days to feel like dog ****. Would that give me enough time to return to work the next week stable enough not to rip someones head off? I am successful at not taking anymore pills after 3pm..so of course I am up all night not able to sleep because my body is experiencing w/d's. I have been great at not giving in to take one to "give in" to my brain messing with me. Would this perhaps with the cold turkey? I feel like no matter what...the plan that I set intoo action isn't going to go as planned. Make sense? Lol.
So, littlebit, what part(s) of the recipe did you end up using, and which part was successful for you? How long have you been clean? Any relapses? I'm really looking for any and all the information I can get my hands on.
Thanks everyone

[littlebit667]

LOL....stupid non addict!  :)  I did not take the xanax.  It is there to basically make you sleep thru the detox for a few days.  It is a choice.  I decided not to add another thing to detox from.  I figured I was already an addict and did not need the temptation.  Besides, if I did not feel the pain of w/d would I remember it enough I was thru it and started to think..hmmm, one would not hurt!!!!!  It is a choice for sure.  

I was NEVER able to taper.  Think you should have a talk with hubby about what addiction is and how important it is for him to be a solid gatekeeper!  

[secretlylost]

So, after finally deciding to maybe involve my husband to act as a barrier of such, and a dispenser at times..after this morning, his first day on the job, he's fired. He now has my pills, and has been told to be strong and firm, I need this..blah blah blah whole speel last night. Today, he hands ne two more than I've alotted my self, pats me on the head "says don't take them all at once" and skips off to work. What do you think happened? Hand to mouth..gulp. I couldn't even stop it at that point..are you going to leave out your dinner roast for that drooling starving dog you are AWARE is right in front of you? Are you goig to discipline the dog one he fianlly devours it, which you knew was going to happen in the fisrt place?! "Don't take them all at once!?!?!" Ok, well ****, just give me the rest of the bottle then..I'l go ahead and show my definition of "ration". Ugh...I know..I really think it might have been an honest loving mistake..but NOT a good way to start my morning.
On anothr note..the thomas recipe..all I have is xanax xr..will that work?

[secretlylost]

Yesterday was good..today, not so good. I was stressed..and embarrassed to report I took more than my 6 goal. :( but, I will try again tomorrow. I'm wondering how far to taper, before just stopping. Is it easier stopping at say 6, 3, 2? What is a good "alright suck it up and stop" amount. I know that cold turkey at 20 isn't going to cut it,  but is 4 going to be any different? I feel like its all supposed to go right as planned..I'm finding that its not and it doesn't. I'm such an orginized maticulos person..but this is NOT working in my favor, and I don't have a plan b, c, OR d. Crap.

[jlannspr]

Just wondering how ur doing?

[donewitis]

I just wanted you to know that I tapered. I started a schedule (chart)..writing down...date, time, dosage..and stuck with it faithfully. I didn't trust myself not to go into the drawer without thinking and take one. That worked for me..hope this helps.

[secretlylost]

Well, now how in the heck couldn't a person do ANYTHING with all of the support of all of you here! I'm tapering for now..I went from taking 18-20 10's a day..to maybe 6 today. I can't say for sure because of this weird thing of counting them. If I knew how many I took..I'd scare myself. I'm scared as it is, but for some reason this scared feels a bit better than the "higH" scared. I think that's the first time I've refered to it as "high". For some reason, I've never thought of it like that. Not really sure what I think of it..
I do know one thing..I was extremely adgetated today and my body was almost on standby to fight. Not so much in a physical sense..I can't explain it. I've taken one pill in the last 6 hours, and I have a pretty bad headache coming on...never been so excited in my life, I think this means my body is wanting them right? Tisk tisk brain....I'm going to win this one. We'll see how tomorrow goes..I'm not going to say I won't take any..BUT I will NOT take more than 6 :). Oh please God let this be finally the end of this..or at least the last couple miles. To everyone out there that has taken 3 minutes out of their life to share their knowledge, compassion, encouragement...I too will pay it forward.
Night.xo
Secret

[jlannspr]

I'm a highly educated female with a great job who has been taking hydros for several years. It started out my husband and I taking them on the weekends, then after work, then daily. We recently divorced and I started getting them on my own and have been up to five 10's a day. I was paying $210/week. I've tapered for the past three days and have had mild withdrawl symptoms during that time. There is no one I can confide in or who has the slightest clue (besides my ex, and I can't talk to him). I had 1/2 of 7.5 today. I am starting tomorrow with zero. I have marked on my calendar in four days YOU DID IT, REWARD YOURSELF (and not by using!!) My symptoms have included heavy/dried eyes, fatigue, stomach trouble, restless legs, sleeplessness, chills, and agitation. I have made up my mind to quit. I have a boyfriend now who has never drank much less taken pills, and he does not know. I want to do this to save $ and for our relationship. Just want to share my story and look to you all for support. I am going to trying walking at the track, staying busy, drinking lots of water, vitamin B6 and Gingko Biloba. Best of Luck to All of Us!!

[Ann2497]

Did you decide to quit cold turkey?  You will most likely feel badly for 3 - 5 days.  Do you have someone that can help you with your child?

[jlannaa]

I know how you feel i have 2 kids a teenager and a19 month old with special needs i work full time and have a great boyfriend who knew nothing, then 33 days ago i decided i didn't want to live like this and i just told him he has been as supportive as he can because he really doesn't understand but he is doing the best he can i explained to him that this is not really me and there will be good days and bad days and he is understanding , i used to come home and cook and clean the house was spotless and do everything else on the weekend cleaning laundry wash i was superwoman,but i really wasnt i was high on pills, when i first stopped i was tired and it was hard but what everyone says its true day by day it does get better now i excerise which helps with energy and feeling just all around better ,i wasnt able to taper i know myself i had to go CT but thats what worked for me so far, i have faith in you you can do it what ever decision you make to quit !!

[ricart70]

Hi secret,I know that my main hindrance to quitting was if I had the pills around there was no way not in a million years would I quit no matter what.If you get rid of the pills and can get none it will then be more possible.

[littlebit667]

The thing about these little pills...they take over part of what the brain does to make us feel.  when we quit the pills the brain does not want to work and will do anything to make us feel like we have to have a pill.  It takes time for the brain to suck it up and start making those connections it had not been making in a long time.  You were in real pain and they helped, but now it is time to see where that pain level is now and if other options are available to you now that will work.  It seems like the body starts making us feel we are in pain so we WILL take a pill.  Many have said they need to figure out what was now real pain and not real pain.  

[donewitis]

Well first you had legitimate pain..then the stress of taking care of an infant alone..worrying about hubby overseas...these are as good a reason as any...you've built up a tolerance..etc etc..
Your honesty with yourself , with your husband and writing it down is a great start.
Positive attitude w/determination will get you far. This is 2/3 mental 1/3 physical. If I can do this..no doubt you can too.
Best of wishes and God Bless You

[secretlylost]

I am so overwhelmed with all the responses. I feel like I've just let one of those paper lanterns go. The ones that people write notes on, thinking they will get a response. What I'm trying to say..is,I took a shot in the dark.
Yes, my husband knows. But no I am not pregnant. I'm scared to tell my Dr, I'd rather try and do it without her. I'm wondering if there is a way to do it where as it would be as invisable to others as possible. Sounds really silly, but I want to do this for myself for christmas..way before christmas. And there was a comment from someone that mentioned me not knowing myself. It hit hard..I've tried to convince myself that I didn't feel that way, but I do. Somewhere I got lost, I don't even remember where I put her. This is so scary..
I am not sure if I can taper...but I feel like when I get to 4 or 5 hours without them..I feel like I'm in the movie the excorcist. I wish I knew what made me chicken out and run away, why this happened to me...

[littlebit667]

It sounds like you are ready to make a change.  I hope you can.  You will find that your world w/o the pills is a much better world.  But, you have to get off those devils to find out.  They have taken over your brain and I am betting you no longer even know who you are.  You seem to be bouncing all over the place.  Often people (like my husband and alcohol) find themselves in addiction to deal with something that is going on in their world and don't even know what it is.  In his case we finally discovered he was bipolar and he was self-medicating.  But, until you get off the pills you will never know one way or another.  I hope you keep coming and posting and getting the support you want.