Day 18 no subs

[ScarrieAnne]

It just occurred to me that maybe I should be journaling all of this instead of using the forum, since I post each day Im clean. Any opinions on the matter are welcome. So I had a crappy day yesterday, but after a nap I actually felt good. I was laughing with my husband (we have our own special way of picking on each other, but in a good, funny ,sarcastic way) AND I had a serious talk with him about what Im going through,(its a little hard for us to find time to talk because of his very demanding and time consuming job) So I know how lucky I am today, he is proud of me, he knows I cant take pills recreationally and walk away like he can, he knows Im an addict, a fact Ive tried to avoid for many years, I only just admitted it to myself less than a month ago.He knows he cannot bring pain pills in our home, if he gets them(he does have a back problem that flares a cpl times a yr,) I cant know about it. I will take them all, I know this about myself now. So it was a great talk, he has been helpful around the house and with the kiddo.I do , however have some major guilt because I was pretty much a b**** the 3 years I was on subs, and I didn't always treat him as well as I should have.Looking back I was always raging at him about something, nagging, moody, I didn't even want him to touch me, and at the time I thought this me some kind of turning 40 hormonal s***. I wouldn't admit to myself that  suboxone was doing this to me, but he knew the whole time, as he told me yesterday.So I only slept about 2 maybe 3 hours, hopefully this day will be a good one, I have my baby here, we will light a fire, and cuddle and read books. Sounds like a good day to me. Ill see yall later, need to try to nap a little. Love Love Love, C,

[jethro733]

Stoked to hear you're doing so well there Carrie!  18 days is massive!  Keep on keeping :) and don't worry about the sleep too much yet.  4-5 hours is actually pretty good for the 2 1/2 week mark, even with sleeping pills.  It just takes a while to come back to normal that one.  Definitely a lingering symptom.

[dedicatedtostop]

Nothing to add... You already know how proud I am of you!!! Rock it Beautiful Girl!!!!! <3

[ScarrieAnne]

Im glad I made someone happy today, especially you, First, I am waiting on your answer to you know what! email was never answered, so unlike you, are you AVOIDING the subject, lol?!? I called the school this morning and a kid in her class has the flu, so that's freaking fantastic, her fever is down, she has a little wet cough and is nauseated but doing pretty well right now, we may have dodged a bullet, I hate seeing her sick, but could you see me with the flu right now!? As far as the other stuff, without trying to be graphic, it has already woken up, by like day 4, so that's all good, Im sorry that you are feeling down today, but as you know I can relate, and its good you live in a city you can just go walk around in, I hope it helps you. I read all of your journals yesterday, I have no words, they are beautifully written but so deeply upsetting I don't think I could ever read them again, but take that as a compliment, you got your feelings out there in a way that the reader feels it too. You know I will be here if you need to talk later, Im actually really housebound today and Paul starts graveyards, ugh.Im not going to stress tho. that's just a white girl problem and I can deal. so try to feel better, my thoughts will be with you today. Answer the email question please. there is nothing wrong with allowing people to be nice to you, I want nothing in return, promise :) LOVE LOVE LOVE C.

[ScarrieAnne]

it made me feel 100% better, My husband was raised here in the South and isn't big on "feelings" so it meant a lot to me that he would even consider discussing it. He said he was just leaving me alone so I could deal with it in the way I needed to, but I finally got it across to him to not leave me alone, I need his help and support to talk about it with him, not incessantly , but at times when Im having a really bad day. So it was good. Now I just have to get the sleep thing under control because Im going a little bit more insane every day, I can barely spell anymore, I forget conversations, or why I walk into a room. other than that its golden! Thanks Weaver xxC.

[EvolverU]

Morning! :)

& an enthusiastic fist-bump to you on Day 18!

I hope you're off sleeping (with your status light on:)

That's great news that you & your man had a good talk & that he told you that he was proud of you. (So many of us don't get the positive reinforcement/support we need from those close to us). Anyway, you sound good, Carrie Anne! It gave me a much needed lift reading through your thread (didn't sleep much & am kind of down today). So, Thank You! (You see how that works? You're already giving back :)

About this:

I do , however have some major guilt because I was pretty much a b**** the 3 years I was on subs, and I didn't always treat him as well as I should have.Looking back I was always raging at him about something, nagging, moody, I didn't even want him to touch me, and at the time I thought this me some kind of turning 40 hormonal s***.

Oh my dear girl, I can relate! I didn't let my last ex touch me for, well..I won't go into it here but it was quite a while & knew it was incredibly frustrating for him but couldn't really do anything about it. It wasn't so much that I was a B*tch to him (& you may not have been either but feel guilty & see it that way), but I now know that it was b/c I was restless with the dysfunctional way that we were living & nature of our relationship & was sick of myself for not taking the steps to change it. The M'done & other drugs took care of nixing whatever residual drive I had where he was concerned.

That intimacy will return for you guys if the attraction is still intact (which it wasn't for me), particularly if he continues to be supportive & patient with the process. Your physical drive will return in spades if it hasn't already! (This is one of the blessings of a return to sanity/sobriety. Yup, blessings -- there are quite a few & they're profound). It sounds like you guys had quite a talk! I think it's way cool that you were able to apologize to him -- a really good sign & so was his response!

I'm sorry that Erin Finley is ill. Has her fever gone down? How's she doing?

I'm off today & have to get out of my head/heart a little bit. I'm going out for a spell b/c I feel restless & know that I need to 'redirect'/cheer myself up. Again, thanks for making me smile. Gifts like that are without price in my book. We never really know how we affect others sometimes. So, I just wanted you to know that you touched me this morning.

It's good to see you like this, Carrie Anne. You deserve it! (We all do;) I'll be 'round later & check on you, my friend.  

'Same Bat-time, Same Bat-station..' ;))

A

[weaver71]

I posted a thread daily my first 30 days. I started journaling then. Like Debbie mentioned, it helps see my progress and don't have to go through my 3000+ posts to find the things I want to remember. I suggest you post on the open forum, but journal anything you might want to read later. If I feel crazy, I can read a journal from a year ago and realize At least I am not as crazy as I was.

The talk sounded like a huge jump in your progress. It can be humiliating awhile, but confronting our shortcomings makes them heal. Keep up the good work.

[ScarrieAnne]

I think I do! 4th times the charm , right? :)

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you Debbie, Your encouraging words mean so much to me! This has been the biggest help to me and my lifeline right now, without all of you I would be going through this totally alone, and would've relapsed by now. So once again THANK YOU to everyone, you are all angels. XOXO C,

[spider6]

You're doing fantabulous!  You know you got it this time around! Hugs

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you! I am trying not to spend too much time on the guilt, I know it is counterproductive, it just came out yesterday because of the talking with the husband , but I apologized for being a crazy a-hole for the last three years, so Im going to move on from it now. I cant change it. I have to learn to live in this very moment. Xoxo C.

[ScarrieAnne]

Thanks Amanda, it seems to be getting easier, my biggest issue is sleep. If only I could sleep. I was prescribed Trazadone and it only allows me 3 to 4 hours, so its obviously not working. So that's the magic question right now. Whats going to make me sleep? thank you fro the kind words as always xxC,

[atthebeach]

Hey Carrie congratulations!!! I am so proud of you.
Awesome talk with your husband. We all have made many mistakes in our lives. Sadly we can't have a do over. Yesterday is gone, it's history hopefully we learn from our mistakes and don't make a repeat performance.
We only have today and no promise of tomorrow. Let's do the best we can with this day.
As far as journaling opposed to a thread. It is easier with journaling to find and chart your progress it is In one list.
Keep on keepin on.
You are continuing to grow.
You can see clearer now....
Prayers for continued healing and restoration.
Debbie

[ariley13]

Happy day 18 to you! Please don't let your guilt get in the way of your recovery. You are doing what you need to do to make yourself a better person for yourself, your daughter, and your husband. Try to focus on that and the positive, not the past and the negative. You are doing great. Keep up the hard work and always look forward, not back.

[kellygirll]

hey sounds like things are going really great I'm so happy for you you got yourself a good man and he got himself a good woman keep doing what you are doing you know it will only get better from here on in!!!!!

[Amandag78]

Hey girl, Well done on 18 days, this is awesome !!!
I personally, love hearing your daily updates right where they are !!!
Sounds like you guys are doing really well together in your relationship, thats really important and great to hear !!
May your sleep come back very soon....
xx