Aa
HOT MESS
I haven't posted in awhile, but when i did use to post, it was this forum that got me through some of my darkest days. I am having one of those days....actually its been a rough few months. Getting through detox is one thing, but i really wasnt prepared to deal with what came next. There is a sick part in me that still pressures me to get high. Off of anything. So even though i am no longer breaking the law to get drugs, i dont think i really have healed and grown very much.
So in the beginning of this year, i stumbled on a 'supplement' called phenibut that i quickly became very addicted to. I quit a few times, but always ended up taking it again. The last time i took it was 5/25/13, making today day 3.
I am so mad at myself that I am back dealing with this crap again. i am going on pretty much no sleep for the last 72 hours. There is no way around it. I can't just take it sometimes. This withdrawal feels like vicodin & xanax mixed. It is HORRIBLE.
It also is a total mind **** to know i can still get the pills whenever i want. i need to take personal responsibilty though. Just because they are available & legal doesn't mean i should take them. . i am begging God to pull me through this and to keep me focused, strong, and resolved to stay on the clean path. I think so much of my antiexy and depression are caused by what i am putting into my body. I can only imagine how different i will feel and how different my life will be once i stop messing with my brain chemistry and really start taking care of myself through proper diet & exercise. That has to be my focus now, not constantly looking for new ways to get high. I mean, who has even heard of phenibut? WTF am i doing???? i gotta grow up already. I am so tired of this ****. Ugh. Venting complete. Thank u for listening :(
So in the beginning of this year, i stumbled on a 'supplement' called phenibut that i quickly became very addicted to. I quit a few times, but always ended up taking it again. The last time i took it was 5/25/13, making today day 3.
I am so mad at myself that I am back dealing with this crap again. i am going on pretty much no sleep for the last 72 hours. There is no way around it. I can't just take it sometimes. This withdrawal feels like vicodin & xanax mixed. It is HORRIBLE.
It also is a total mind **** to know i can still get the pills whenever i want. i need to take personal responsibilty though. Just because they are available & legal doesn't mean i should take them. . i am begging God to pull me through this and to keep me focused, strong, and resolved to stay on the clean path. I think so much of my antiexy and depression are caused by what i am putting into my body. I can only imagine how different i will feel and how different my life will be once i stop messing with my brain chemistry and really start taking care of myself through proper diet & exercise. That has to be my focus now, not constantly looking for new ways to get high. I mean, who has even heard of phenibut? WTF am i doing???? i gotta grow up already. I am so tired of this ****. Ugh. Venting complete. Thank u for listening :(
Best Answer
OH PHENIBUT, I thought you said Peanut Butter. My, my gurl you sure do know how to pick em. You know you will beat this, whatever the hell it is. Just keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. Glad to hear from you and stay the hell away from the jam. You don't want to add that to your problems.
xo
xo
I was JUST thinking about you. So sorry your back in the thick of it.I have never heard of phenibit, but thanks to kansas I am kinda clued in on how it works. Just want to throw some support your way. You know what you need to do and you know what clean feels like. Reach out for all the help you need ,, then dig deep and get er done. You've concoured worse. Here for you.
Sending you positive thoughts. and also saying AFTERCARE! it has helped me tremendously,I have bad days and because I have aftercare it helps me stay clean, I Get back to the basics that will help.
Glad to see you reaching out for help. You can do this!
Glad to see you reaching out for help. You can do this!
I just read about that stuff you were taking. Nasty nasty business. Good luck to you. There is a ton of information for people WD from that stuff just google it. Scary business. Best you get off now.
Hey Friend,
I never know what to say to people who have gone through WD more than once. I was on over 200 mg per day of oxy and tapered and quit and will never go back. Just the thought of having to start all over with WD is enough that you couldn't pay me enough.
So, I can't offer you advise on anything but that you need to look within and see the good in yourself that is there. You need to nurture this good, respect it, and love it. If you need therapy to help with it, go for it.
You are too good for this, so please make this time your last time.
hugs,
Lily
I never know what to say to people who have gone through WD more than once. I was on over 200 mg per day of oxy and tapered and quit and will never go back. Just the thought of having to start all over with WD is enough that you couldn't pay me enough.
So, I can't offer you advise on anything but that you need to look within and see the good in yourself that is there. You need to nurture this good, respect it, and love it. If you need therapy to help with it, go for it.
You are too good for this, so please make this time your last time.
hugs,
Lily
It's as simple as what sarah said, "we preach aftercare over and over here" Pills are not going away. I can get legal anything I want at our local doctor. A person I know just got caught selling their subutex and buying methadone on the street. The doctor gave her a new script for methadone, no penalty, nothing. I can go in anytime and ask for whatever I want. Working on my inner most being and learning to be a positive role in society have taken the compulsion to escape away. I think you will feel a lot better if you DO something for aftercare asap. Right action seems to put my head in the right place. Don't beat yourself up, do the next right thing and don't look back. It was hard to convince me that I need help for the rest of my life, but helping others balances that out. keep us posted on your progress, and never stop growing. Doing nothing for recovery is like going back out for me. Even if I slow down on recovery activities, I start to feel the negative effects. Pills took up all my life, so it makes sense that would recovery would too. Never stop growing, and it will keep getting easier and more worth it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh my, i wasnt expecting this but i am glad you are back and starting over again. This addiction is very mental. Using is only a symptom. You know we preach aftercare over and over here. Time to face those demons that are raging in your head. You can do it.
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You said you can only imagine how different your life will be once you stop messing with your brain chemistry and really start taking care of yourself thru proper diet and exercise. You said you want that to "be your focus now", not looking for new ways to get high. I agree with you to a certain degree......but also feel so many recovering addicts don't take the time to truly learn about how critical feeding ALL 3 aspects of our "being" need to be fed and nutured in order to be successful in our recovery. Many have "no clue" about how "different our brains are" from NON-addicts which explained a whole lot to me about "that sick part in me that still pressures me to get high." I watched each and every single video and read each and every article at the web site "hbo.com/addiction" which helped me understand THAT aspect of my being an addict immensely!
Some others new in recovery put the MAJOR focus on diet and exercise and "how they look". Of course, I'm definitely NOT disagreeing that eating healthy and producing endorphins and getting our bodies moving isn't important and helpful.....I just mean at times it gets TOO much of the focus and the 2 other aspects of recovery get put on a back burner or forgotten.
Balance is truly a word I have never (or at least not yet) achieved in very many areas of my life! lol I truly believe we are made up of 3 important areas we need to nurture and heal as we enter recovery. Our mental/emotional..... our physical....and the spiritual aspects of our beings. We need to feed ALL 3 of these things to have a balanced successful recovery.
I read the Wikipedia article and a few more about Phenibut. It's been sold for over 30 yrs in Russia and is even given to their astronauts because it assists with anxiety, tension, fear, stress and related insomnia, fatigue, PTSD, depression and irregular heart beat. It has also been used for improving memory, learning and thinking without the effects of making them unable to perform their necessary duties in a functional way. (like a benzo would) It is a derivative of the neurotransmitter GABA. It has structural similarities to Baclofen but less potent per mg of dosage. It has also been shown to enhance levels of dopamine. (and tolerance builds quickly.)
I guess, my point is, you have altered your brain chemistry in MANY amazing ways by getting off Vics, Nicotine, Xanax and Effexor! I think you DO recognize the danger in taking Phenibut when you are a recovering addict but I also don't think you are giving yourself much DESERVED CREDIT for what you HAVE accomplished thus far!!! All the things you have w/drawan from affect your brain chemistry. Anxiety and depression still plague you......but it is a PROVEN FACT that seratonin is what is usually depleted if we are depressed and anxious. As recovering peeps.....I'd safely say "MOST" of us have depleted seratonin levels.
Lots of recovering addicts on this forum take medications that affect their GABA receptors, too. Many find herbal supplements to help them get thru some anxiety or depressed healing times. Some take Rhodiola which also affects seratonin levels and adrenal hormone levels and in ways is similar to clonidine and prozac. Some take gabapentin....or lyrica.....
I DO agree that you are "detecting" that "drug seeking" behavior in yourself while you've been using phenibut.....and I commend you for that. Being a recovering addict and taking phenibut probably isn't wise as you are finding out. But....really girl..... think how many meds you have QUIT taking that have affected your brain chemistry...... think that maybe you are being a bit harsh on yourself? . You KNOW yourself better than anyone...and tolerance builds quickly with phenibut (as it does with gabapentin). So...your inner voice that is telling you to change some things and get off the phenibut is probably accurate, loud and clear. I just wanted to throw in a little more info about your brain chemistry....why you still have that "sick
part of you that still would like to get high." Most addicts do....but if we feed our bodies with healthy dopamine producing foods, get some exercise to speed up the healing of our brains and produce more endorphins, surround ourselves with other recovering addicts so they can help us and we can help them......we gradually find a balance and our cravings, anxiety, depression and insomnia all have a chance to heal and level out and produce as they did "once upon a time". lol
I know I have rambled....so what's new p*ssycat? I just think you are wise to recognize this issue with the phenibut but also feel you are not giving yourself any pats on the back for ALL YOU HAVE COME OFF OF in the last 414+ days!!!! I loved what you posted on your May 7th status....and I'm also a lover of T. Evans.....and yes my dear recovering friend.....you SHALL know the Truth....and the Truth shall make you free~