Day two.. just updating you guys

[ChildoftheMoon]

I posted yesterday about relapsing fOr a week after being clean fOr two years.  So,  it's been about 48 hours since i used. Today is definitely different than yesterday. Physically, I don't feel too bad.  Just cold sweats and fatigue. I slept pretty heavily last night just had weird dreams hopefully I can sleep again tonight.
But I'm pretty anxious and a bit depressed which I can deal with.  The racing thoughts are the worst part about this.  I can't concentrate on anything. I'm pretty mad at myself because I promised myself I'd never put myself in this situation again.  I know it'll be over in a few days though.
The most positive part is that I don't have that overwhelming urge to go use again so far like I did when I initially stopped using. I just have that feeLing like if someone drinks too much over the weekend. I know if I use again it'll just make things worse.  So I'm really thankful I don't have that urge so far because that's what I struggled with for so long before.
Anyways,  I know I'm rambling and I apologize. Just can't really think straight.
I have made my mind up that if I can't make it through without using again I'm gOing to move to a different state with a friend that I've known for a really long time. They have never done drugs so it's safe and its far away from this town and all the people I used to knOw.
But I think I can make it. I know moving probably seems like running away from my problems, but I live in such a small town and the first time I stopped it was crazy because I could barely go anywhere without running into someone who used.  That's why once I was clean it was very important that I never relapse.
My ex-boyfriend would love nothing more than to know I relapsed because he'd have me wrapped arOund his finger again.
So,  if I can't make it through the mental withdrawels, I won't think twice about donating most of my stuff and get out of town.
My friend is only two hours away and would come get me at the drop of a hat if I need it.
Sorry this post is so long and rambling. It helps to "talk" to you guys.  As you can see, the mental WDs are pretty intense right now.
Thanks for reading.

[ChildoftheMoon]

Thank you guys so much... makes me feel a lot better.

[jethro733]

Don't feel bad, most of us have slipped.  Don't let the slip turn into a slide is a more positive way to look at it I'd suggest.  A full blown relapse is longer than a week.  

The human body sometimes must learn a lesson all the way to the bones in order for it to stick.  Don't beat yourself up more than you already have.

[ricart70]

Hey don't feel bad .You have been through so much.  Just focus on today and move forward. You are a good person and deserve to be happy.  Just keep going and keep knocking off those days friend !

[ChildoftheMoon]

And,  oh yea, a tremendous amount of guilt because of all the health care pros who were so helpful when I initially got clean. Especially my therapist. She was like a seCond mom to me and when I couldn't afford my visits, shed let me come for free. A few years back,  while I was in full blown addiction, I was in an abusive relationship and the guy hit me with a wineglass.
I ended up with glass shards in the left lower lobe of my brain,  lost my left eye, my upper eyelid was cut through and lower lid was almost severed.  I was flown to three different hospitals and was lucky enough to have one of the best surgeons in the country.
Now you can't even tell. I have an amazing prostetic which is pegged so it moves just like my other eye,  you can't even see the scars, and most importantly, I recieved no brain damage.
So as you can imagine, I feel I've betrayed all those wonderful medical people who helped me (they were amazing) and also God.. because I feel everything hapoens for a reason and I feel I've taken my second chance at a good life for granted by relapsing.

[ChildoftheMoon]

* felt invisible.  Not get invisible

[ChildoftheMoon]

I totally agree about opiates being soo addictive! I started experimenting with drugs when I was 14 (with my parents) and I've tried almost everYthing out there and never had any problems stopping. But the opiates just grabbed me and metaphorically kicked my *** haha! I was blindsided by them because I get invisible since I was able to try anything I wanted and stop when I got tired of it.
And to paul921 good for you! Sounds like your mind and heart are in the right place so you can do it! My legs have never ached, but the first time I stopped two years ago my legs twitched constantly while I tried to sleep. I wish you all the best and we're all here for you!  This site is definitely a God-send for addicts in recovery, relapse and everywhere in between.
And to HappyDays2Come and samanne1987, yea, this friend has been my rock throughout all this and before. Most people lose patience and hope and give up on you especially when you continually take their friendship for granted and dissapear from their lives for days, weeks and months at a time. But this person never got angry or put me on a guilt trip.. only welcomed me back like nothing happened andlet me know that no matter what i had a leave to go and help in any way at any time. I don't know what I'd do without them.
And yes, small towns are not the best places to get clean..especially when it's a town ripe with drug addiction epidemic.

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragment and understanding.. "talking" with you guys helps so much and reaffirms that everything will be ok if I just take it one day at a time!  :-)  I know what I'm gOing through is nothing compared to what others are going through, in a few days I'll be a lot better while others are just getting started after years of using and don't have a friend to be there for them and come take them to a different. So I need to keep that in mind .

Thank you guys again so so much.  I truly appriciate every ones support.

[samanne1987]

Congrats! Actually sounds like your doing pretty awesome! Each minute during this time feels like a life time but each day you start to feel a little more normal and those minutes actually feel like minutes and fly by.
I used to always think that moving from where you used didn't do you any good, but I know how small towns are I don't think you're running I think your wanting to change your life and that's a great thing! And you have a support system which is so essential.
Keep it up we are all rooting for ya!!

[paul921]

DON'T WORRY THATS THE PROGRESS OF GEETING CLEAN WE DO RELAPSE AT TIMES SOME MORE THAN OTHERS SOME DON'T TURN BACK. AS FOR ME I RELAPSE TWICE I ONLY STOOD CLEAN LESS THAN A MONTH BOTH TIMES. NOW IM ON MY 3RD I BEEN A WEEK AND 2 DAYS SOBER. I FORSURE DON'T GET ANY URGES BUT I HATE THE FEELING OF MY LEGS ACHING. IT HAPPENS MORE WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT. I HOPE THAT YOU CAN BE STRONG AND LEARN FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES BECAUSE THIS IS THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE YET FOR ALL OF US IN HERE. REMEMBER WE CHOOSE THE LIFE WE LIVE AND IF WE WANT CHANGE WE CAN MAKE IT.

[HappyDays2Come]

Thanks for posting and updating us! After today you should start feeling better. Definitely start looking into some aftercare so you don't find yourself here again. You're doing great, and sometimes moving and getting a fresh start is not a bad thing. It sounds like you have a great friend :).

[VICourageous]

"By George I think you got it" haha..No really do not beat your self up. I bet the mental is you feeling quilt. Sometimes it take a few snake bites for us to realize we do not like that snake anymore. It was a small lesson and you have learned from it and now you can have the rest of your life clean. You know I have tried all kinds of drugs since I was 14 and now I am 57. What gets me is these opiates. Man they are Addicting. When we think we can handle One then next thing we know we are up to a 10000000..I study the Map of the Brain and I do know it has alot to do with the Dopamine surges that hit the Mid brain (Pleasure) part and it remembers the pleasure and will keep playing the tape back for more, BUT all the other drugs I could walk away from when I got tired..So Uggg What is up with that..Of course Addiction runs in Many areas. I sometimes say that I wish I would of had a shopping addiction because I might have been Broke but no Broken..haha. Anyway You will just be fine..Get over the Hump and you are on your way..Yahooooo! Good for You!!!
vickie