I love you're story and the person you are soooo much! your story just helped me sis thank you<3
I know the feeling. It really *****. Just f$#cking *****. Its like vicodin is my abusive boyfriend and I am so caught up in his lies I can't live without him. He's all I think about. I find myself looking under couches.. digging through my purse.. scoping out who might be taking any at work. Who just had their wisdom teeth out? Sad but true, when I can't get my hands on any. I've never had something completely take my life over like the way vicodin has. I don't even eat at times scared of it ruining the euphoria I experience. Its all the way you guys explained it. I associate happiness with vicodin. When I take it, its almost like I'm on cloud nine. I'm wonder woman I can face life and ride it like a roller coaster and its just that much better. I want to be able to put this and its demons behind me.. I have been takingg a supplement that has in the slightest way helped. Even if its a small help.. its still help. Its called 5htp. You can get it at walmart. Its supposed to increase the serotonin in your brain. I do feell a little better after taking it for a few weeks and weening myself off of norcs slowly but surely. I wish you all the best and believe me I know how it goes.. happy trails. Peace and love. <3
Everything is a trigger for me. Happy, sad, guilt, shame, joy, healthy, sick, success, failure....I use every excuse to pop pills. I'm tired of being a slave and want my life back so desperately. I have been there before, where life can be satisfying without pills. Looking forward to getting back to that place soon. Our brains stop producing natural endorphins which give us that happy feeling. That's why it feels better when we 'add' some more synthetic ones. Just takes time for our brains to start producing their own again. It does come esther, just takes a little time. You are not alone in this.
you are not hurting me..your story is remarkable and sad. some drug addictions come from tramatic things that have happened in our childhood or somewhere in life. i was keeping myself numb for a number of reasons also one being i have a mother who s a little off the wall who drives me absolutely insane but i figured i cant let her get to me this way. if you read up on how people become drug addicts its unreal...it sounded just like me. keep posting and may God bless you take care maria
And while the Norco doesn't fog out my source of Eternal Love like Fentanyl does, it does dull it. And I don't want this wonderful Truth dulled any more by the lie (as one of you aptly put it, and I totally agree with this label -- it is a lie!) But I'm being real with you. For all I have found and for all I now have going for me, I am still weak in this area and I need help. Because I'm still believing those initial whispers of the lie, or at least allowing myself to be tempted by the lie and falling for it. As a matter of fact, this area of my life has given me a lot of compassion for Adam and Eve in the garden that I never used to have. Let me tell you, if I were Eve and the "apple" the serpent tempted me with was made of hydro, man oh man, I'm afraid we would have another Fall. I am not proud of this fact, but I gotta be real so I can overcome this critical weakness and finally really LIVE my life. Because the recess or chemical "vacation" breaks aren't really needed anymore -- but I haven't found a way yet to break the habit of them. You know what I mean?
And so, I need all of you, in your various stages of recovery, and with the myraid of life stories you each have, to throw me a life line so I can finally, truly "Just say no." And I'm not even talking about heroics or happily ever after stories here either. I'm looking for the real, and if it's raw, that's fine with me. And if you're still a work in progress, that's great -- no problems with that! I just want to hear from the people I probably have the most in common with in life -- the ones who think happiness isn't really real or won't last unless it can be held in a little pill I can hold in my hand (or inject or whatever) and then swallow and have course through me. Now my head is screaming out, "What a lie! What a lie! Don't believe it!" But . . . some part of my heart still must think it's true; otherwise, why would I be here, spilling my guts out to strangers that for some reason I trust more than my family and friends with these details of my life? Because, like Alice, when this pill says "Eat me," I do, almost every single time. I want to finally escape from the looking glass and go back into the real world. Because I'm so much healthier and happier now than when I first jumped into this mere reflecting pool of reality. And I think I have the life skills to make it this time. And all the secrets are out of their closets, and they haven't killed me after all. And I no longer want to measure out how long happiness lasts by 4-hour increments or milligrams in a sepia-colored plastic bottle. And I've got the Truth now, but I want to explore the depths of the Way, and the Truth, and the Life, without having to come up for the air of white or yellow-colored tablets. Because I've pressed the pause button long enough in my life, and I'm so ready to play this thing out to its rightful ending, whether happy or even . . . content.
Now nothing says you have to feel an ounce of compassion for me, because chances are, your life stories are much more difficult than mine, and I may have even pi**ed a few people off by telling my paltry tale. If so, I am sorry for causing any more pain than you are already in, but I'm not sorry for telling my truth. But for those of you who might want to help, I would so appreciate it. And who knows, what you share may help someone else other than just me.
Thank you all so much . . .
(Btw, through meditation and prayer, I have actually found a way to feel the presence of . . . Jesus . . . pretty much 24/7. And now, I know how to take real vacations where I can feel Him all around me, and even from the confines of my room. And I also have discovered the joy of actually travelling and selling my jewelry -- jewelry inspired by being in the presence. And I have come to the point of healing where I have a solid personality, not based on what people want me to be. And I'm no longer afraid of men as I used to be, because I know I have a right to say "no" and all kinds of other words to anyone who tries to cross my boundaries now. Plus the fact that they really are a group of very wonderful, handsome humans. ;)
So . . . what's the problem now? The question . . . in question . . .
After so many years of teaming happiness = Vicodin, Vicodin = happiness, how do I sever this horrible cord? When I'm genuinely happy, if there are hydro's around, I have intense cravings to take them. If there are no hydro's around, I'm fine, and can just enjoy the happiness -- not try and think of how to come up with hydro's. But that's just because I never had the guts to try to get them illegally, and I hate with a passion lying to doctors when there is no true underlying pain. So, thank God for these little favors!
And what got me posting here just yesterday? Because with hydro's, I could still vaguely feel the presence of my True Love around me. But with Fentanyl, I was in such a heavy fog, it felt as though He had gone away, and all of the intense, gut-wrenching feelings of abandonment deep, deep down I still unknowingly felt came vomiting up to the surface, and caused such incredible emotional pain, I had finally found some pain stronger than the "pain" that caused me to get and take pain killers. It was so bad that it caused me to HATE pain killers for the very first time in my life. And now, my new, unquenchable crave was for the presence of Jesus, as I had had Him for most of my 15 years with Him in my heart. And before anyone starts judging me (if even in their heads) for loving Jesus (I don't call myself a Christian very often, because to tell you the truth, I think we've given the term a bad name with (and no, not everyone has done this!) our judging others who are not like us, our escapist mentality, and our plain ol' hypocrisy), if you have the chance to feel even one minute of the bliss I feel when I am joined with Him (I am a mystic by the way) and I'm talking to Him and He's talking to me and filling me with wave after wave after wave of unearned love, you would stampede into His arms yourselves and not care what term anyone called you!
And now . . . with the fog finally going away (after 6 torturous weeks), I can feel my Love again. He is all around me again, and never even left. It's just that for a while, I chose the fog, and it so dulled my senses that I couldn't feel anything around me, let alone His subtle presence. And so, I'm using the Norco to get off of the Fentanyl, but this has been such an alarming wake-up call (no pun intended, but appreciated ;P), I want off the Norco too. And all hydro products. And that's why I'm asking the questions now that I will have to face in a week or so when it's time to get off of the Norco and taper off of this. Because I've got to know how to live happy (because it is a gift that has been given to me after a very long, hard journey) without trying to add a f***in' pill to it!
And let me make a few lawyer-like, fine print statements here too, because I realize that without knowing me and my whole story, some of the things I've written might sound like I'm judging others, or harsh, etc., and I promise you, I am soooooo the last person to judge anyone!
The reason I can try to come off of the Norco is because my physical sources of pain have gone away; therefore, it's time to stop taking the pills that I used to need. I was hurt very badly in March of '08, and have been on either high-dose hydro or Fentanyl since then for really awful neck, back, and hip pain. Since then, I have successfully completed about 12 weeks of physical therapy and chiropractic care, and am now swimming in our community pool about 4 times a week, so the true, searing pain I had in my neck and back since March has gone away. If I was still experiencing this pain, I would absolutely give myself permission to continue on Norco or something like this (but never ever Fentanyl ever again, just because it makes me nauseous, gives me narcoleptic episodes, and puts me in such a fog I can't feel the only one in my life Who really, really unconditionally loves me, on my very worst days and my very best days). So, for all of you Christians and other believers of a higher power out there, I put no guilt on you for taking whatever you need to make your pain go away or at least take the edge off of it. This is just what I am deciding to do, because it is right for me.
(See Part 3)
Thank you all for your posts -- each and every one of them mean so much to me! I need to be reminding myself of the lie they really are. When I first started, before I became addicted, I would take half a 5 mg with my friend and drink a few glasses of wine and call that going on a "Vicodin Vacation." And then not even think about the pills for months afterwards.
The addiction started once I started medical school many moons ago (and no, I'm not a doctor -- I decided to quit med school), and was given these for the first time for a cyclical problem (endometriosis), where I would have to take them for about 5 days a month. With all the stress of med school, and knowing that I was never meant to be a doctor yet was stuck in Chicago, thousands of miles away from all my friends and family, and just knowing that somebody was gonna find out I wasn't as good or as smart as they were, and it was all a fluke that I got into med school, this suddenly became a vacation every month that I NEEDED, and looked forward to as each new month came around. Whereas in the past, my life was pretty good and stable, and a "Vicodin Vacation" was only something to do if we were feeling bored with our otherwise fabulous lives and just wanted something different occasionally.
And I had every excuse I needed (right?) to take these as the pain was absolutely documentable, and it was the doctor who had switched me to Vic's from my usual heavy milligram ibuprofen. But then, throw in a date rape my summer off between my first and second year of med school, repressed memories then coming up about various rapes in my childhood that had happened in the past I had totally blocked out until this most recent one, and my coming to the realization that I had been living my life only as a chamelion heretofore. Being whatever people expected of me so that I would be loved and not abandoned. This created a great big gaping black hole of pain (this was 15 years ago), with no one there to fill it except, my new hero, Vicodin. It was always there to make me feel better as time and again I got lost in its cotton candy dream world where everything now had blurry and soft edges. Not the harsh reality, when the clouds would disappear . . . just as easily as cotton candy melts away . . . and I'd be left with the body memories and screams of a little girl who was molested by her father time and time again. And who now was frightened of all men [men had been my DOC way before Vicodin], so no longer got my fix of "being held" by men if I played the game and changed my personality to suit who they were looking for. Instead, I let the genie in the bottle of Vicodin hold me for that wonderful week out of each month of tangible, documented pain (therefore, no guilt right? Right?). The rest of the month, I was on my own and all alone.
(Continued in Part 2)
OMG its crazy to me how much i can relate to all of u!!! I was so happy when i started taking vicodin then i loved how they made me feel so i kept taking more.... but then it becomes all u think about and you cant be happy without them...i have been taking 6 of the 1000mg vics for the past 3 yrs... im on day 2 of just 1 a day.... tried to go ct but couldnt get too sick at work.... and i feel pretty tense and crappy today but at the same time i feel so much more alive if that makes any sense.... and now im just so mad at myself for wasting 3 yrs chasing some feeling.... but thank u all for your posts. I just started coming on this site 1 wk ago when i was researching rehabs thinking there is no way i could do this... and i am.....
for myself towards the end of my addition to opiates i was totally unhappy, always worrying if i would have enough...basically taking them to function through the day. i was taking 10 a day...horrible i know...i feel guilt for letting a damn feel good pill take over my life but i did it to myself...the important thing is that i wanted to be drug free but didnt know how i would be living life sober..since 2005 i been taking pills, took my last 4th of july 2008 so i have almost 1 month and feel so much better and i am sooo happy to leave that behind me...yeah i crave but do i want to take just one..no cos i cant take just one so giving them up has made me free if that makes any sense..i can work and deal with my crazy life without them. still have some sleepless nights but oh well..i ll deal with it. wish you lots of luck and stay on the forum always maria
Try and think of stopping drugs (long term) like a person retiring after years of working. No more work (pills) but that was what my life was all about. Now theres a void that has to be filled. Time abstinant will not fill this void. We used for a reason and finding the reason is the key to recovery. Family activities,sports,projects voluntering time, all that fills the void but ya gotta find out why your different then others who can use responsibly. Quitting is such a small (but essentail) part of recovery and if your an addict and all you do is quit you"ll probably use again.
I posted something a long this line the other
day. For me (and I can only speak for myself)
I did the samething, but I found I was grieving for
my pills because they had become such a big
part of my life. So I did the steps and really
felt the grieve and went throught he stages and
all was fine (pretty much)..But just start living
and if you crave just tell yourself it's a lie....ONE BIG LIE
I am so much happier without the pills.
enjoy a good movie some laughs with your friends
I used to feel the same way on the pills, I would be happy then I think mayb the guilt set in and I thought I had no right to be happy does that make sense?? I dont see happiness now as a trigger BUT it was then good point gizzy. Now though Im happy 90% of the time and sometimes I think WOW life is soooo much better without pills. Well let me rephase that lol life is always so much better without the pills BUT I dont always think about it :)
Thanks so much for your comment. I especially could relate to:
"every feeling i had i felt i had to make it better by a pill"
Kinda like Alice in Wonderland, huh? Take a pill to sleep, another to wake up, yet another to feel good, and another to be able to go to the bathroom ;P
i see and agree with your point. i was clean the first time for over 2 years before i fell again. and couldnt believe a month later i was worse than i was before, but i started again for the reasons you have said. i was clean and doing so well and happy i felt like "oh i can do this and feel fantastic because i have this sooo under contorl now i would never be where i was" well i was and worse because i never had done all the work i needed to do to really see why i had issues with myself (good or bad feelings) every feeling i had i felt i had to make it better by a pill. my dad told me (which he is a recovering alcoholic, but been sober 21 years) says almost 95% of people who relapse are happy and feel good about what they have done they flipped so fast to say well i deserve a mess up and "feel good" i know this really doesnt help but just want ya to know i agree and sooo understand. i guess that is recovery we just have to choose no feeling is worth beinging back where we were/
Thank you both for posting your comments. And it does feel so good to finally be talking about this to people, instead of it being my shameful little secret. And thank you, Gizzy, for what you shared. Especially your comment, "How the hell can happiness be a trigger?" Because this is exactly what I've been wondering!
Is there anyone out there who has been successful in separating feeling happy from craving their DOC? And if so, how did you do it?!
Again, thanks to all . . .
i can relate to this even though my drug was cocaine, in fact i still struggle with this from time to time now. sometimes when im feeling really good, i want to keep feeling good and wham, a big craving. how the hell can happiness be a trigger, lol. what i try to do is remind myself how using is a false sense of happiness and causes incredidible consequences for me. being sober is a great high for me now and i try to remember that. after using for so long i truly believe it takes our brains the longest to heal and it will get better with time.
I would start by thinking back to life pre-vicodin. I do remember times in my life when I was very happy before I got into this H3LL! I think the pills do something to our brains and we then associate happiness with pills....we will feel true happiness when we're clean and sober. It may take a while. I always look at myself in my picture of my fiance and I. I was 70 days clean then and look AMAZINGLY happy. It can be done again!!! I found this forum and it feels good to know that so many others are in this same predicament as I am. I never wanted to be a drug addict...who did? but here I am, and our first step is talking with others and sharing stories. It all seems to help in one way or another! take care and I know you'll find your 'real' happiness somewhere :)