Withdrawal and Depression

[OxyDout]

I finally got to post!! I have been experiencing severe withdrawal/depression the last few days, so much that I have found myself crying on a few occasions, I have been feeling like there is no way out of this awful life style, and if I get close to being clean, I get scared when I think of leading a sober life..... I can't handle it anymore, I lie to everyone, I hurt everyone and I waste all my godamn money on drugs, what the hell is the point?  If it weren't for people in this forum, its a possibility I might not be here right now.  How do I ease this pain, physically and mentally....... I would appreciate any and all posts. I hope I make it through this, I'm not feeling so well.  GWH  I will be here all day.

[savd]

I hear ya honey.  I have been to hell and back, more than once and I'm not quite 30 yet.  I have felt everything you describe and I know it's alot worse than any words can say.  However, the last time I took a pill was in October.  I just got sick of the whole crazy lifestyle circle :work (job you detest), get drugs, feel like a scumbag, do it all again tommorrow).  I got on Buprenex and it was a miracle! I suddenly felt like a normal human again only better because I knew the other side.  I never took drugs again since then, (Really).  It takes away your cravings, depression, fatigue, everything!! I just stopped taking it now, I weened down like the Dr. advised and I'm not sick! I am on Wellbutrin (antidepressant) now though, just started 2 weeks ago. It seems the mental part is only postponed.  But I am doing GREAT!!! I would love to help you in any way get better. I know how to get out of hell now.

[OxyDout]

You both have raved about Buprenex (sp) I have no idea how to get this drug........ or what it is? any information would be great, although at this point, I'm hoping I"m gonna be out of the woods before I need that.  Oh, taking those vic's this weekend was weird, I don't know if it was because I was getting sick from withdrawal or what, but it didn't give me the traditional "high" feeling, it just made me exhausted, like I took a valium or something, it was an awful feeling.  I think what happened was that 3 at a time wasn't strong enough to get me "high" so my withdrawal symptoms (fatigue, exhaustion) got worse..........anyway, thanks for everything, you guys are great.  

GWH

[savd]

I don't know what state your in but I am in South Florida.  Here as I hope you have there are lots of specialized Pain Clinics.  Alot of people go to some of these to get alot of pain killers some need them, some just want them.  I went there to get off of pain killers so they prescribed me Buprenex.  Look it up on the internet if you can't find a clinic.  If you still have trouble, e-mail me at ***@**** and I will help you anyway I can.  Good luck and God speed.

[lanas]

I do know a lot of what you're talking about--every time I have tried to quit in the past, it is truly the lethargy and the depression that have killed me.  It really isn't even the sickness, it is that absolute total complete inability to seemingly do one single f-ing thing.  Do you have any options to see a shrink?  A psychiatrist who can prescribe meds?  I am four weeks--minus a weekend where I fell off the wagon--without vicoprofen and I still feel energyless; I've also suffered a lot of anxiety and panic about not having the drugs.  BUt I have an excellent doc who put me on paxil and xanax (in small amounts) and while I'm still moving in something of a fog, I don't feel as depressed.  I even listened to some Van the other night and really was able to succumb to the music--first in a long time.  I'm also seeing a psychologist--who will work with my regular doc on my meds.  But I really KNOW the depseration you are feeling.  What all are you taking at this point?  I'm going to be gone for most of the afternoon, but will get back this evening as soon as I'm able (my husband does not know I'm on this so it can be difficult to post in the evening sometimes).  See?  You aren't the only one with secrets...  hang in there.  You will be okay in the end.  I am feeling better and I didn't think it was possible.

[1fortheroad]

hi there - remember how you were doing a few weeks ago?  you were feeling good...you will get back there - you can do it, because you did it before.  buprenex REALLY does work.  you will never totally escape the depression...it is still there for me, but it's at the point where it is manageable.  before i went to the clinic that prescribed it, i was on the verge of...i'm not sure what, but it wasn't good.  i thought a lot about death...i don't think i could ever really go thru with it, but i definitely thought a lot about it.

you should find a program in your area that will do an outpatient detox - type it into a search engine and see what you can find, or talk to your doctor about it.  whatever you do, make sure you do it with a dr's supervision.  i don't think anyone can do this alone - at least i've never heard of anyone succeeding at it alone.  you say you will be thru it before you can get buprenex, but will you really?  the depression can last for months and months.  buprenex only attaches to the pain receptors in your brain, which gives the pleasure receptors a chance to heal...plus it isn't filtered thru your liver, so it gives that a chance to heal.  i don't know of the downfalls of this particular med...still waiting to find one.  please please call a doctor - we all need someone...we really do.

[OxyDout]

thank you all so much for your comments, i thought I was just venting on this forum, I didn't think anyone actuall payed a lot of attention to what I was saying and or doing.  Anyway, I can't describe to you how much I love you all, i really do, I wish at some point in time we could all meet face to face.  However, I don't think any of you  live near me.  I live outside of Boston Ma. in a nice suburban neighborhood.  Anyway, I AM DEFINITELY INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT ABOUT INFO ON AN OUTPATIENT DETOX, for example, where I could find physicians that would do this, where they are located? (remember, i live outside Boston) how much $$$ and different eperiences people have had.  My day is going by very SSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY,i'M HOT, My back is sweaty and my leg is starting to go crazy, this should be fun.......oh well, its my own fault. Good luck to all of you, wish me luck, I feel like I"m dying.
GWH

[1fortheroad]

i live a very close to boston too - north of boston!!!!  what a small world!  i had to go to southern fl to find buprenex treatment.  it was a bit costly to fly there, two nights in a hotel and the medication and visit - i think when it's all said and done it will be somewhere in the area of $2,000.  BUT, it was well worth it.  i arrived there feeling like total ****, sweating, chills, sick to my stomach, runny nose, etc etc.  flying in that condition is no walk in the park.  my appt was at 9 a.m. the next morning and i was feeling MUCH better by 10 a.m.  if you want more info, please let me know.  i will share all i know with you.  it really is a great way to go without much discomfort.

[skipper]

gwh:
oh yeah bup! you know in my 35 years of being a junkie i never
seen, let alone tried this stuff. all i know about it is what i
read on this forum and a e-zine called "heroin times." i went the
online pharamacy route to try to get some temegesic wich is the
sublingual version (wich can by the way be injected IV but not
IM. from what i've heard, it sounds like real promising stuff. i
think it would be real hard to get the 24-40 hours opiate free
(longer for methadone) time before you could start. any how i've
yet to recieve it. i think i got taken (not the first time or the
last!). the talk among local junkys at a NA meeting is it is go-
ing to totally replace methadone in the next 7 or 8 years. thats
fine by me 'cause i hate methadone and REALLY HATE methadone
clinics and the sadistic ass-holes who staff them!! (now is any-
one not in the clear about how i feel about that?)

gwh, i fear for you. your less than 30 i think. you probably have
what i would call "virgin veins." to make it short you probably
have another 15-20 years "living the life," out in the streets,
if you have any luck at all.

people on this forum can (and will) talk until they are blue in
the face trying to help you or anyone else. that is a real neat
thing....too bad it won't help you at all until you clean up your
hand, and not "pick up" any oxy's or whatever. this 35 years of blood, bewilderment, frustration, and gallons of tears (my own
and everyone else who tried to care for me) couldn't help kip!

bottom line time:
bup can help you get off!
methadone can help get you off!
going cold turkey can get you off!
Thomas's recipe can help get you off!
hell, even darvon can help get you off!

time clean is the most valuable thing you can get right now. ****
the deepression...you've had a little bit of fun with the oxy's,
or what ever! now it's time to pay up! the cardinal rule of being
a junky is everything that goes up has to come down sooner or
later. now some of us go a week...some of us go a month...hell
i've know people to go years.... but EVERYBODY either comes down
for awhile (at least) or they die (and thats one trip i just aint
ready for) YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT FROM THE CARDINAL RULE!!

my point is i care for you and have been watching you come up for
air, only to flounder and sink again. i went 20 years doing that.
20 years where my friends were getting married, having kids,plan-
ing a future! 20 years and all i have are the tracks in the crook
of my arms and on the back of my hands. oh yeah, i can truly tell ya that i was in the house when the house burnt down! and that just isn't worth anything, believe me!!

gwh, i truly believe you know what ya gotta do. ok, it won't be
a great deal of fun...it's gonna be a class A bummer. you will
do it sooner or later...in a hospital, at your mommy's house,
in jail, maybe even a card board box in some urban alley. for
the sake of the gods, do it in relative safety and comfort. your
own home, your girlfriends house, at least somewhere where you
will have some choice!! somewhere, where your safety and wellfare
come first.

but hey friend, only you can do what must be done!
keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[skipper]

gwh:
just one more thing. i'm going to love and care about you and
there just isn't one ******* thing you can do about it!
keep the angel on your shoulder
kip

[jennyfla]

(((HUGS))) Friend!!!!
Kip is right and i know his wise words only too well because i can take everything he's said and apply it towards myself.
No one is going to wave a magic wand and make all the sadness and terror go away.  There are many ways to get clean, but the biggest most important thing would be the true honest wanting to get clean.
I've seen some bad things happen to my life over the past 5-years, things that i never thought would happen to me.  
We moved to this area about 5 1/2 years ago with only regular bills and a house payment.  We had everything going for us, a new start, new jobs, two beautiful, healthy children, and so much to see and do in our lives.  
All it took was a little pill to do so much destruction to my life, if anyone would have told me it would go this way, i would have looked at them as if they were crazy.
I've seen the pain in myself and the pain through my husband of what these drugs can really do to your soul.  I've lost myself, i've lost my husband, who knows, the house and the kids could be next, there's no telling with the endless destruction drugs can do to one's life!!!
I've seen my husband go through two 28-days programs, leaving me behind to figure out what the hell to do, now with three children, how to support and feed them myself.
I went to the beach back 3-years ago, during my kids' spring break, april 8th 1999, only to return to a husband in shock and a house that was burned and it took 4-months and $100,000 later to repair because he feel asleep while oil was on the stove.
The worst part of this is my soul that is gone, i've lost the most precious thing, myself!!!
You are very young, you have so much ahead of you left undone!  Find a way that will work for you, if you want it bad enough, it will come.  
You will get to the point where you will go crawling and begging to get clean because you just can't take it anymore, then the strength will come to get clean.  I hope you find your way before you've lost too much to ever be able to regain.
Good luck and know that i feel for you because i'm fighting the same battle!
Lv Jenny

[OxyDout]

I am sitting here in disbelief, i can't believe the out pouring of love from all of you, this is absolutely amazing, god bless all of you!!

Groovy, thanks for your support, please email me at r_baccari***@****, I would like to know where about you are located, Im just curious, if you don't feel comfortable telling me, then I still would like you to email me and tell me about your experiences.

Jenny, you are awesome, your post hit me hard, you have impacted me so much and you have been posting on my different threads since I first caught onto this forum.  Please stay with me, I know I can do this, I have to.

Good ole skipper, you are the man! you have been here to cheer me up, you have been here to tell me how it is, you have told me the consequences, you have led by example, but most of all, you have just been here.  I don't even know you and yet you treat me like family.  Well, last night I was in the bathroom at 3:30am, basically curled up in the fetal position, my stomach cramped up like you wouldn't believe, my whole body ached and the sweats, they just wouldn't leave, I must have dropped about 15 pounds.  Talk about paying the piper.

God, I can't believe what I have turned into, but I know one thing, I have gained some great friends through this experience. You all are amazing, don't ever let anyone tell you any different, I really do love you all.

GWH

[1fortheroad]

begging and crawling to get clean is so accurate a description of what i've gone thru.  that is what you become reduced to...the despair i (and sounds like gwh) feel sometimes can be so overwhelming...i find myself blowing up over nothing and then collapsing into a pool of tears...i know i probably seem like a real nut case.  when i talked about the buprenex, i didn't mean to seem like it is a cure-all.  it makes withdrawal less painful physically for me, but it will not make detox a piece of cake.  

anyway...write more - it's good to get it out.  i went to an aa meeting saturday, and it was the most depressing thing ever.  i was told that na would give me **** about taking buprenex - even tho it's prescribed, and that aa would be more lax about it. people just went around the room describing how they got there - everyone's story was terribly sad...everyone keeps telling me i should keep going, but i don't know.

[skipper]

honestly:
if there was a way i (and a few others) could somehow take your pain and anguish i would. i go to pieces when i see someone, esp-
ically another junky in pain. throughout my years of active ad-
diction i had the unfortunate reputation as someone who couldn't
say no to another junky in pain and sick. most of the time all
i ever accomplished was something like pissing into a puddle of
motor oil! there is hope for you guys....but the door will shut
sooner or later. like i said the god i understand has a way of
sweeping useless people aside...so please get going!

try to put some humor in it...laughter spurs the production of
endorphines and other feel good hormones! there is a way thru!
keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

It's wonderful to see your posts again, my dear!  You must be doing some of the right things just to be here.  I agree that AA and NA can be downright depressing, if not frustrating and even a bit hateful.  It's because we have to be able to deal with real personalities eyeball to eyeball.  I always said that the programs were fantastic if not for all the morons that frequent them!  I still attend meeting occasionally just to **** off certain people.  I love to let them see that I am still making it in spite of them.  

Keep going strong, Jenny.  You are loved!  You all are loved a great deal whether you know it of not.

J.B.

[skipper]

JB:
last saturday i went back to a meeting (NA) iused to be a frequent attender of. it's in the *bad part of town!!* i've always got on great up there.mind your manners and people usually responded the same. only one person from 8 years ago still there. but the new comers....they were just cut out of the same stuff as 8 years ago. there was a whole bunch of people really frighted by what was going on with drugts and themselves, and their neigh-
borhoods. ya know for some one thats been an addict for over 35
years, i had never gone to an NA meeting where  some one on methadone stood their ground and did not cave in to the bullshit and split. this is uncomon in the cow town i live in. BUT not just one, but two, at the same meeting!!

well anyhow i can't really say for sure if i'll go back, but there was something about all those honest to goodness scared people that really took me back to the days of drive by shootings after meetings. it really kind of stood me up on my toes like maybe i had connected with someone as drawn into drugs as i still am. like i said it really stood me on my toes. too bad thats the only NA in this paart of town! i mean there were some truely des-
perate people there....

i sure hope you get up and around quick. and you know i really
believe there is way thru everthing!!
keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[alchemist]

Skipper, I was really moved by your words to ghw!  But I was wondering, what is wrong, in your opinion, with methadone and the clinics that dispense them?  I've never been to one or taken methadone but I was just wondering

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Hey, I'm up and around pretty good right now.  My legs are still swollen and as big as Virginia hams(talk about ache!), but at least I'm still able to walk.  And walk I did!...about four miles today.  There's nothing as pleasant as Spring in the air and rebirth ala Mother Nature and four dogs to keep up with.

Yeah, I don't know about the methadone trip, myself.  I tried it a long time ago in Europe but never got too enthused about it.  All I can say is that if it helps some people...good deal! I'm not going to look down my nose at anyone who is trying to get well by whatever methods. Think about all the cancer "cures" there are out there that people try out of desperation. A lot of things we do seem downright stupid but so is buying lottery tickets for instance.  Hope, pleasure and peace of mind is all I'm after anymore...gee, it was nice just to get out and enjoy another God given day!

J.B.

[Nod]

I'm where your at now.  While I don't like to read how bad your doing, I get some comfort in knowing its just not me. I'm slowly working myself off and tappering down but the depression and despare has me think suicidal thoughts several times a day, especially at work when things aren't going well.  I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and know I can get there.  But, dammit, its tough.  I keep thinking about dying and having this misery end.  But, I'm f-----g determined to get thru this but when.. when.  I just want to get my life back.

So, GWH, your not alone.  Hang in there with me (us) and lets keep up the good fight.  The people here and mainly my family and 2 young kids keep me going. I owe it to them.  NOD

[skipper]

ok: i'll fess up. every methadone clinic i've ever been involved
with was ....full of sadistic clinic workers who love to **** with
your head. the staff treats you as a naughty child, and most impor-
tant, your freedom of movement is restricted. last summer, between
pain clinics in desperatiopn i called the only methadone clinic in
a metro area of somewhere near a milliom. it's owned by the *******
university i work for. it was where the local DEA finally figured
one of the gatheruing places for junkys is the methodone clinics.
i made an appointment for 8:00am the next monday. i took vacation
time. at 5:15 on the monday i'm to go, the phone rings, i'm being
informed my appointment got moved back 2 weeks by DR. N****Y! now
see, i haven't even walked through the ******* doors and some sad-
istic ******* is doing a number on my head.

i will say this -methadone is the closeset thing to sanity in a
very draconian, narcophobic society. i still don't like it. any
friend i ever on had mehadone never got off it, period. I hear of
several who actually have...there isn't many!

hey don't take this as a judgement, one addict can't really judge
another....but i still don't like methadone! it can be too much
of a life change decision you can never back out of! just what i
think, nothing more

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip!

[OxyDout]

Hey guys, thanks again for the support, I actually got a 40mg orange wafer of methadone.  I broke it up tonight into 8 pieces, I took 5mg tonight and it took some pain away, I think this is what I will need.  When I bought it from my "guy" he told me that him and another guy were going to an outpatient detox on wed. night, and that I was more then welcome to come.  It was great, they were saying things like "stay positive" .... "we can do this"  etc....   Now I know this forum has all of the positive energy, but when this positive energy comes from your dealer and or the negative influence that lead to drug abuse???? that is incredible.  I can't sleep because of all the thoughts in my head, that and my leg is going psycho.  I would take more methadone but I refuse to take enough to make me feel  something, or to take all the pain away, I need to suffer a little so that I remember what I went through.  This way it will make me think twice the next time around, scratch that.........there won't be a next time.  I"m gonna do this.  Groovy, thank you so much, you have been a life saver for me, as well as skipper, you are an amazing person, please keep posting, Im gonna need all the support I can get this week.  Thanks guys.  

GWH

[lanas]

Hey!  I just wanted to check in this morning.  It's a new day... how are you today?  What are you feeling?  NOD, I didn't realize you were in the same place; I hope you're getting through too.  HOw are you?

[OxyDout]

well, like I had told you, i got the 40mg "orange wafer" of methadone.  I took the 5mg last night and it has carried me through this morning, so I haven't taken anything today.  I think the 40mg may be more then I need, but I will flush the rest of it.  In anycase, I'm doing ok, I'm still in a fog.  I'm hoping that by thursday I will be able to think straight again, you know?

You all are incredible!! Its funny how we have this burning desire to help others in our shoes but we neglect our own bodies........... oh well.  I hope everyone has a great day today.  Please keep posting, it not for yourself, do it for me and everyone else.  Thank you so much!

I superglued the angel to my shoulder kip......
GWH

[FinallyLiving]

It's me, second post. I posted on another thread called Hydro-withdrawal. Anyhow, today is 9 days clean from Norco and T-3's. I feel the worst is over, as everyone, I have my good days and bad. I just read through this particular thread and wanted to commend all of you on your efforts, please please please, remember, it's not a wasted one. If you can get through 20 minutes of that 'horrible feeling', you know the one. You can get through the next and the next. Sunshine, believe it or not, has done wonders for me, my soul mostly. I find I'm enjoying things I truly forgot about for a long time.

I'm looking forward to making some friends here, it helps to know you have people who really know what it feels like.
I would have posted sooner, but you know how it is. ;)
Thanks, all of you.

-Me

[jennyfla]

JB, you are always so sweet!  I'm sorry about your toes, but you have a lot of spirit, walking 4 miles with your dogs, wow, you're a trooper! Thank you, as always, for all your love and encouraging words!!!!
Skip, well i emailed you, looks like that dr is going to **** out on me, but i'm determined, i always get my way if i want something bad enough!
GWH, keep being strong, you CAN do this and we will be here.
Don't cave in, keep going and it will get easier, i promise.  Listen to me, i'm still in this mess, but i do know from what i've seen others accomplish!
Groovy, don't give up, you're on the right track.  Do what works for you and don't listen to anyone else.  We all have different ways of accomplishing our goal, this is working for you, stick with it, you just that much further along with each passing day!!!!!
And Kip, i'm a sap for another junkie too, i never was very good at that 'tough love' stuff!  It's hard when you know exactly what 'the pain' really is isn't it.
Good luck!!!!!!!
Lv Jenny