Just checking in and saying thanks again......

[kiki003]

Hello.  Just wanted to check in with all of the kind people who showed such concern and were nice enough to write me.  I am not a success story by any means.  But when I got on this site I started taking only my four prescribed pills a day and NOT abusing them anymore like usual.  I went 9 days and then blew it.  But I started right back the next day and am now on Day 13.  I have a long way to go, I know, but I never would have come this far without this site, so thank you all and God bless......

[lesson_learned]

@ Kiki, you can do this. It's a long time coming, I'm not sure what happened, a doctor found out you had another prescription for opiates I'm assuming? The sad feeling you speak of comes on hard. Because it's the end of the road for us, but the beginning of recovery and being able to be truly happy. You can do this. You have friends here on the forum, don't forget that. You will be in a better boat than me if you can do this without the help of sub or metadone. Keep your head up!

[laurel453]

Hey, the best birthday present you could give to yourself is this...well done !!!! :)

you have taken a big step forward in your life... you have done what you knew you have to do in order to get back to the ight track in your life and stop harming your health and your life. It is nornal that you are sort of regretting now that's why we talk of burning bridges .... addiction is sneaky and we need taking those steps to fight it even if after we are not feeling the happiest but soon you will proud of this, feel proud, kiki and keep walking :)

[kiki003]

You are SO right.  I can't believe it....but I did it.  I called the pharmacy and told them to cancel the prescription refill as I would not be retrieving them.  They told me that by doing so they would and could not honor a later request without a new valid prescription.  The doctor they came from was reluctant and didn't really want to give me the above-mentioned script to begin with.   It was done with the understanding that I was not really welcome back and certainly not getting any more pills of the narcotic class.  I am now feeling like I made a mistake and am feeling a deep sadness knowing that my "secret stash" has now gone.......but I know I haven't made a mistake.  I am hoping to drop dosage and know that going off the rails yet again will only take me backwards....maybe even kill me one of these days!   Believe it or not, for me sticking to four a day has been a HUGE challenge.  It was a big first step.  Calling that pharmacy was a huge second step.  I am sad to say that it was NOT done in front of my sister.  She doesn't need to know that I betrayed her yet again by even seeking out and getting this script.  I have no fear of going back for more, because they have got my number and made me well-aware of it.  And I know all about secrets and how they can and do cause downfalls.  But trust me, I have pushed my sister to the edge....have hurt her SO many times.  She doesn't need to hear this.  I hope I am not wrong and do plan to one day tell her, as she knows everything except what I just told you about.  Praying for strength.  Praying to stop being a disappointment to everyone, but most importantly, to myself!  And ending tonight with a huge thank you.  Don't really know where I would be right now  ....actually, I do, sadly.......without all of the kindness shown to me combined with the sadness and sometimes horror stories I continue to read every day on this site.  May God bless you all and give you strength in your struggles......wishing you all the best......and hoping to come on here soon to tell you all how great my taper is going.  It may take some time for that post.....but I can't wait for the day I can start my tracker....a real tracker.... a CLEAN tracker.  

[vicki595]

Yes!!  This is your addiction sceaming at you!  You've been on the forum and read enough posts to know that you SHOULD NOT have a spare,secret prescription!!  That's just "shooting yourself in the foot"!!

WORK at RECOVERY...not addiction. You know the drill: Call the pharmacy and cancel the prescription IN FRONT OF YOUR SISTER.   You need to stop lying and you know it!!   So,why don't you give yourself something REAL to celebrate??  Why don't you taper some more?  20 days is long enough...time to taper  and get off the pills!!

Good luck and Happy Birthday!!!
xo

[onthefence]

What IS happening?

The symptoms of the   disease of Addiction!

[kiki003]

Day 20 of the prescribed dosage.  Not feeling so strong today.  My bday is coming up and I have a "spare" secret prescription due to be filled right around my bday.  My support will be in New Orleans and it is all I can think about...."celebrating".....there really is something wrong with my mind.  I feel SO much better and my relationship with my sister, who doles out ONLY what I am prescribed, is really improving.  Yet all I keep thinking about is being able to abuse while she is gone and won't know what is happening.  What IS happening?

[worried878]

Good 4 u
Is ur goal to stay at 4 a day or have u stopped using?
It is hard for an addict to control their use for long periods of time
keep moving forward and keep posting

[laurel453]

Hi Kiki...

never give up fighting :)... do you have a date to jump ? ... keep being positive that you can do it, trust yourself ... and when your desire to get clean is bigger than your desire too get high, you'll get clean :)

for now, keep working on your taper and of course, keep walking... there is light at the end of the tunnel !!!!

[Cantdothisanymore]

Glad to hear it. Stay strong.