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Avatar universal

I'm in Trouble

This is a really hard post for me. I havent done anything,,yet. I guess you can say that in my head Ive pretty much relapsed. I feel like its only a matter of time before I take a pill. I cant seem to get any right now. Yes, I tried. I feel like I am in a downward spiral again. I have trouble getting up in the morning. I cant carry my weight with work. Im struggling in all areas. Im overwhelmed. Ive been to NA and I just sit there. People have noticed that in the past few weeks I dont seem to be "myself". All I want to do is sleep. I'm self medicating with Tylenol PM , I take it in the morning so I can go back to sleep and as soon as I get home to go back to sleep. I am enjoying some time with my hubby and we have been doing some things together. But all I want to do is sleep and not face the world. I dont know why I am doing this,,,again. Im medicated-Cymbalta, Lamictal and Seroquel. Ive been taking my meds although I have missed a few doses. I know. 253 days today. Im willing to throw that all away. I dont get it. What do I do now?
40 Responses
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271792 tn?1334979657
Morning Honey!

You will often her me say that we relapse mentally, emotionally and spiritually before we pick up the drug. If you are lucky enough to catch it, you can prevent it. And the good news is that you have caught it. The only thing a pill will do right now is make your life unmanageable. The guilt alone will drive you crazy. You have come to far and have learned too many lessons to throw it all away. You CAN get through this.

If you are taking medication then you have the type of depression that is a chemical imbalance. Good. that can be fixed. Often times the medication needs to be adjusted or changed. You should phone your doctor right away and get in to see him/her. Don't wait on this.

Second, I understand you sitting in the meetings and not talking. I did the same darn thing and the only person I hurt was me. I had to force myself to get involved and I did do that only because I was so afraid of what was out there if I relapsed. I had done several jail stints and several rehab stays and I knew death was the only thing I had not done. I forced myself to speak up and get involved and I don't regret that decision.

You are already showing signs of relapse by admittedly self-medicating to sleep. It is an escape mechanism and it is so dangerous. You don't have to run.

Please, please...if you can't talk at meetings then talk here or ask your doctor about private counseling or group counseling.  Whatever is making you want to run can be dealt with. Please keep talking.

I'm sending hugs and prayers.....
Helpful - 0
2122807 tn?1560619706
You need to tell this to your doctor asap!
I am NOT AN EXPERT but in my opinion I think this may have little or nothing to do with your detox as you are over 200 days clean, did I read that right? And you are on other meds, and also self medicatiing with an OTC med, oh my goodnesss dear, please tell your doc. You could also have underactive thyroid, or many other medical issues, or maybe need your meds adjusted, or something.
Please go talk with your doc.
hugs,
Lily
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What really get's me is that there are so many here that would give anything to have 253 days of sobriety and I am willing to throw it all away. I dont understand. What is going on with me?
Helpful - 0
2122807 tn?1560619706
You are sooo right, I would give my first born ...well, he is grown now, but you can still have him. Listen sweetie, I feel your worry and please trust me, we have no way of knowing, and even you have no way of knowing where this is all coming from unless you get checked out by your doctord. You need some bloodwork and you need to be honest with the doc if you are to get tot he bottom of why you are feeling this way. You need to rule out the physical, and you are on meds which alter mood, and you are self medicating on top of it, and now you say you want to use again.
Where do you think this will go if you don't talk to your doc? Where do you think this will go if you DO talk to your doc?

Go talk to your doc.

Hugs,
Lily
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know I need to make the call to the doctor. I dont know why cant do it. I think , Ill call them here in a bit then I forget about it and put it off. I owe them money and I know they will want to be paid first and we are tight on money these days. Im still paying off aftercare and my hosp bill...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im calling now....
Helpful - 0
2122807 tn?1560619706
Great! keep us posted.
If they will not take you, there are other ways to get med help. You can call your local county assistance office and inquire about programs in your area. If worse comes to worse, there is the ER.

hugs and blessings,
Lily
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Nothing available until August 6, she is on vacation and the psychiatrist is not in the office next 2 weeks ( I see the NP). I was told to go to the psych hospital in another town if I need to be seen sooner, I can go thru intake/admit. So now I guess that will be where I am headed tomm night after work. I dont think this can wait. Well, I know it cant. I just dont want to be admitted. Im afraid they will admit me for medication adjustment. Maybe not, last time I did it all from home. Is this PAWS? Maybe?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh my Gosh, you are in my head right now and all that you said is exactly what I am feeling/doing. I think I am so used to running then facing all this. I fixed it before. That was one of the first things I addressed. I was happy. Content. Humbled. Functional.


Lily: Thank You so much for giving me the boost to call them this morning. I need to tell my hubby now, he thinks everything is OK. But he is very supportive and will want to address this ASAP when I tell him.  He will not want to wait till 8/6..I know him..
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Humble is a beautiful word. Stay that way sweetie and keep going forward. I am pulling for you!!
Helpful - 0
2122807 tn?1560619706
SO glad you made the move to get some help withthis, both with your doc and your husband. It is not every spouse that is supportive, so its great ya got that goin' for ya.

Yes, we are pulling for you! Keep us posted when you can,
hugs,
Lily
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'll throw my two cents in, when I quit the hydro's I also had to quit the Tylenol PMs, I was in those things for 14 yrs, .. I know they say non addictives, and they might not be physically addictive, but they are mentally, I'd panic if I didn't have enough... Sleep is natural now, Thank GOD!

You ate an inspiration, along with many more here, you always have the right thing to say, when needed.. You'll get thru this, I said a prayer, and HE is faithful.
Helpful - 0
1801781 tn?1461629469
I was just checking the posts before I leave on a week long trip!  Please take care of yourself bkitty!!! I care for you and want you to be safe and hopeful!  Please do what is best to stay clean.  You are loved and we all care for you!  I pray all goes well.  (this is big I never say that!).  Love you!

Helpful - 0
3059867 tn?1340563052
You know in your heart its not worth it.
keep moving forward.
next right/healthy decision.
LOVE.
we all need our REAL strength right now .... the world is going 2 SH** !!!
Be Strong.
luvluvluv!!!!!!
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Honey, do you have a NA sponsor you can call? or just anyone, a veteran, at NA you can call and speak to directly? Someone who has been through this? I noticed your status update yesterday and saw that something is wrong! Please don't give up! Keep fighting and reaching out! Are you able to talk to your husband about this? We are here for you Bkitty! Keep talking! I'm so very sorry! You can work through this! Hugs!!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Using is NOT an option, Giving up is NOT an option. Getting thru this IS your option.  We are all faced with trying times my friend.  We dont go around the issues, we walk thru them and deal with them.  I just said goodbye to my beloved companion, using was not an option for me.  I have been crying for days now but i am working thru the emotions.  We dont hide when things get tough.  Numbing ourselves up will only cause more pain and suffering.  Get yourself up out of bed, take a shower, go for a walk, look around at all you have to be grateful for, write them down, turn on the music, hug your pets, hug yourself and then tell yourself you are stronger than this addiction and you will get thru~~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Open up to your sponsor or at a group meeting at NA, just like you have to us. Hang in there BKitty, just for today. 200+ days is a lot to throw away. You say youre willing to go back to day one? Hell no!! You will get thru these tough times a better person for facing them head on. Xoxo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Kity......well you did the right thing posting and probably saved yourself a relapse but remember relapses happen days b/4 you actually use it time to get serious with the aftercare.....I know it can be scary to share the first time at a meeting but it time to open up when you like this it will only help ....there is no substitute for human interaction and a meeting is the perfect place they will understand there mean wile you have bought yourself some time coming here to post......stay strong and dont pick up you will regret it  it just not worth how much it sets you back im talking from experience now......I know you can do this Kity you been doing great keep posting for support good luck and God bless...........Gnarly
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank You everyone!! It means so much to me to have you all support me. I told my husband and he thought something was up with all the sleeping I am doing. I also removed myself from a situation today that I could have gotten some pills. I was covering for another nurse and I actually called in today because I knew If I went there, God knows what would have happened. After tomm I am back to my shedule and have no access to anything. This isnt the first time that I have had to do this either with my job. The last time there was a divine intervention and I guess this time as well. I ususally am really strong and it doesnt bother me but being in this state, there is no way that I can do my job. I will NOT set myself up to fail. Like Sarah says, using is not an option. Its just not. But to feel what I am feeling, oh God its so painful. The thing is I am not even sure what I am feeling that has me feeling like this. Honestly, I thing some of it is from boredom. I was in a routine, a schedule, same thing day after day. No drama. I feel hopeless. What is there to look forward to? I feel like I am never going to get pregnant and its just gonna be the same thing all the time. Today, I will not use. I have no way to do so. Tomm I have a crazy busy day. Im already dreading getting up and facing it. Thanks again~Bkitty
Helpful - 0
2120911 tn?1350922661
Dont you dare give up
Helpful - 0
2107198 tn?1336136106
Hi BKitty, you have gotten so much good advice, I just wanted to send you support and positive vibes.  You have been so strong to get to this point, you can make it.  Keep going!

Bryan
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im not giving up! OMG am I kicking and screaming though! Ive relapsed mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I havent taken a pill and I have no way of getting any. I feel like Ive relapsed though. Except I didnt take any pills. It weird. I still have all the feelings that you'd have if relapsed. The guilt, anger, shame, disappointment, hopeless..you name it. Like IBkleen says you relapse long before you take a pill. Im a firm believer of that. But all you wanna do is run...and I cant. Or ill f*ck this all up again! I was given a second chance.. I hate that I have to fight this f-ing battle all day every day. Im tired of it. Im so tired.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to be seen and you know it. This is a classic depression and it's approaching severe...it's such a huge trigger for using and it's so out of your control, I know.  Support is important here. Talk to your husband some more. Ask him to help you in any little way. You need comfort and kindness and understanding. You need a hug...

IBK is very wise, so read what she wrote once again-      Are you alone? If so, stay right here and keep posting!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
You can run, the thing is you cant hide.  Get yourself to the doctor my friend.  Once you get to feeling better emotionally things will fall into place and the fight you are dealing with in your head wont be there like this.  You have to surrender to win~~
Helpful - 0
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