Aa
I'm ready to get off the pill rollercoaster
I am a 30ish male that got my first taste of pills about 4 years ago when I went in for a wisdom tooth extraction. Leading up to it, I was in a lot of pain, and my mother had hydrocodone that she would give me so I could make it through a night of work. Afterwards, I knew I liked the feeling, but understood the dangers and just sort of let it go. After that, I would pop a couple pills every week or so, to enhance the things that I loved doing. I didn't care for my job, but I was strong enough to not use just to get through a night at work. My use was still occasional, up until I had to see my doctor at the end of 2011 for some severe back pain.
I had an MRI, and it showed quite a bit of damage, most likely from doing the same physical crap work I had done for 14 years. He started me off on 5mg hydrocodone, while we worked to find a long-lasting med. I tried a slew of meds in that time. Nucynta, Exalgo, 10mg hydrocodone, etc. We finally settled on 10mg Opana ER and 10mg hydrocodone for breakthrough pain. When this wasn't enough, he upped the dose to 20mg Opana ER 3x a day and 120 10mg hydrocodone 4 times a day. We all know what happens next. Instead of 4, you take 2 at a time. Then 3. Then you start looking at ways to not kill yourself with the acetaminophen. Cold water extraction was too much work for me, so I went back to my doc and told him I was worried about the pills doing more damage than good. He switched me to 4 times daily 10mg Opana IR along with the 20mg Opana ER. At this point, I figured I had struck gold. An endless supply. He even added 120 Norco 10mg a month.
At about this time, I decided that I hated my job enough to not go anymore. It wasn't so much the job, but my bosses and coworkers. So I went on STD and FMLA so I wouldn't get fired. This has lasted for 4 months. I also went to physical therapy for my back which did help. The problem is that because of the pills, I have become to lazy to want to do anything. I haven't made love to my wife in over 4 months. I quit playing sports that I had played since I was a kid. I don't hang out with my friends anymore. You know how it goes. I always thought I was smart/strong enough to handle everything, but boy was I wrong. I was even high on my wedding day.
Right before Christmas, with a fear of running out before my next refill, I started looking for other ways to administer. I didn't care for snorting, but it gave a great high. Plugging was even better. Not only was I getting high, but I was going through a lot less pills. It didn't matter; I just started snorting and plugging more often. At this point, for the first time, I found that I couldn't get out of bed without dosing. I finally realized that I had a big problem. About the only thing I did right was avoid the needle.
I made the decision a couple days ago to start tapering my dosages. I am fortunate to have an abundant supply of Klonopin, which has allowed me to sleep most of the last few days away. I wish I could tell you how much Opana I was using, but it changed all the time, and I can't remember anyhow. That makes it hard to taper properly, but I decided to try anyhow. I tried just 1 20mg Opana ER instead of 2, and only 1 of the IR instead of 2 upon waking. I then took 1mg of Klonopin and some Immodium since the diarrhea was already coming.
This was on Monday morning. I did a 2.5mg bump in the afternoon, and took some more klonopin to make myself go back to sleep. I slept until about 7am, which was wonderful. I figured that I would be dope sick as hell, but that hasn't been the case. My whole body hurts, and I haven't eaten a thing since Sunday afternoon. Overall though, physically I feel alright. Like a mild case of the flu. I think I took quite a leap in decreasing my usage so fast, but I miss what it feels like to "feel" anything. There isn't a soul that knows that I have a problem. Us addicts get pretty good at hiding it. But if my wife found out, my marriage is over. She's not an understanding or compassionate person. I also want children and I want to be able to enjoy them instead of being numb to the miracle that they are.
As most of you know, the biggest obstacle is the mental part. I have the pills, just sitting there. My back is in a lot of pain. I like not feeling anything. But at the same time, I have missed so much; most of which I can't remember due to being high. I want to be done. I'd rather live with the back pain than being a slave to a pill or 4.
I will continue this taper and see how I handle it. It is imperative that I get back to work before I lose our house. The absolute hardest part will be going into work and existing with people that you dislike and they hate you just as much. I know I can do it though, without the crutch. I don't have a choice. I am taking my life back and I'm not going to let my family down. But man, this is emotionally hard. Does it ever get better?
I had an MRI, and it showed quite a bit of damage, most likely from doing the same physical crap work I had done for 14 years. He started me off on 5mg hydrocodone, while we worked to find a long-lasting med. I tried a slew of meds in that time. Nucynta, Exalgo, 10mg hydrocodone, etc. We finally settled on 10mg Opana ER and 10mg hydrocodone for breakthrough pain. When this wasn't enough, he upped the dose to 20mg Opana ER 3x a day and 120 10mg hydrocodone 4 times a day. We all know what happens next. Instead of 4, you take 2 at a time. Then 3. Then you start looking at ways to not kill yourself with the acetaminophen. Cold water extraction was too much work for me, so I went back to my doc and told him I was worried about the pills doing more damage than good. He switched me to 4 times daily 10mg Opana IR along with the 20mg Opana ER. At this point, I figured I had struck gold. An endless supply. He even added 120 Norco 10mg a month.
At about this time, I decided that I hated my job enough to not go anymore. It wasn't so much the job, but my bosses and coworkers. So I went on STD and FMLA so I wouldn't get fired. This has lasted for 4 months. I also went to physical therapy for my back which did help. The problem is that because of the pills, I have become to lazy to want to do anything. I haven't made love to my wife in over 4 months. I quit playing sports that I had played since I was a kid. I don't hang out with my friends anymore. You know how it goes. I always thought I was smart/strong enough to handle everything, but boy was I wrong. I was even high on my wedding day.
Right before Christmas, with a fear of running out before my next refill, I started looking for other ways to administer. I didn't care for snorting, but it gave a great high. Plugging was even better. Not only was I getting high, but I was going through a lot less pills. It didn't matter; I just started snorting and plugging more often. At this point, for the first time, I found that I couldn't get out of bed without dosing. I finally realized that I had a big problem. About the only thing I did right was avoid the needle.
I made the decision a couple days ago to start tapering my dosages. I am fortunate to have an abundant supply of Klonopin, which has allowed me to sleep most of the last few days away. I wish I could tell you how much Opana I was using, but it changed all the time, and I can't remember anyhow. That makes it hard to taper properly, but I decided to try anyhow. I tried just 1 20mg Opana ER instead of 2, and only 1 of the IR instead of 2 upon waking. I then took 1mg of Klonopin and some Immodium since the diarrhea was already coming.
This was on Monday morning. I did a 2.5mg bump in the afternoon, and took some more klonopin to make myself go back to sleep. I slept until about 7am, which was wonderful. I figured that I would be dope sick as hell, but that hasn't been the case. My whole body hurts, and I haven't eaten a thing since Sunday afternoon. Overall though, physically I feel alright. Like a mild case of the flu. I think I took quite a leap in decreasing my usage so fast, but I miss what it feels like to "feel" anything. There isn't a soul that knows that I have a problem. Us addicts get pretty good at hiding it. But if my wife found out, my marriage is over. She's not an understanding or compassionate person. I also want children and I want to be able to enjoy them instead of being numb to the miracle that they are.
As most of you know, the biggest obstacle is the mental part. I have the pills, just sitting there. My back is in a lot of pain. I like not feeling anything. But at the same time, I have missed so much; most of which I can't remember due to being high. I want to be done. I'd rather live with the back pain than being a slave to a pill or 4.
I will continue this taper and see how I handle it. It is imperative that I get back to work before I lose our house. The absolute hardest part will be going into work and existing with people that you dislike and they hate you just as much. I know I can do it though, without the crutch. I don't have a choice. I am taking my life back and I'm not going to let my family down. But man, this is emotionally hard. Does it ever get better?
Well, I think it's time to pay the piper again, this time it may be with my job. My HR department called me this morning when I was sleeping. I woke up with a migraine and have been out of commission all day due to the medication I take for it knocking me on my rear. I'm not sure what they wanted, but it couldn't have been good news. Missing all this time from work may have finally caught up with me. I have to work in a few hours so we will see if I can even punch in. If I lose my job, my life is over. It's something that I won't be able to recover from. And I'd been doing so good with my taper too...
If a 'giant vagina' like you can do it, I mean, WOW, I know I can! You are doing great . . . . keep it up!
Love the silly humor too;, it will be a big help through this journey, I have always said that you need to laugh every single day to keep it all in perspective. Fortunately, since my husband missed his 'stand-up comedian' calling, I got plenty of it goin on with all of his extra material :))
Love the silly humor too;, it will be a big help through this journey, I have always said that you need to laugh every single day to keep it all in perspective. Fortunately, since my husband missed his 'stand-up comedian' calling, I got plenty of it goin on with all of his extra material :))
Just wanted to chime in for those that are following my thread. I'm doing very well with my taper. The last couple days have finally gotten easier to get up and moving. I am also dosing way less than I was allowing myself. I allowed for 16 doses a day (4 pills broken into quarters), but I've only been using 6 of the 16. That might be why I've been feeling bad, but I realized how much in just 1 week that I really tapered. I don't think I need to wait the full month I planned. I think I'll stay at this dose for another week to stabalize. Keep in mind that my doc also cut my ER dose in half, so again, it's a large jump to me. One day at a time is all I can do. Seeing that I've used so much less and handled it ok has motivated me to keep going. Telling my doc was the best thing I've done so far, besides making the decision to become clean. We can do this everyone. I'm a giant vagina and I've made progress; that means everyone can.
You have accomplished the first steps needed to lead a clean and sober life. Admitting to yourself, then your doctor that you are an addict is huge. What is there to fear but fear itself. He is now on board and helping you with your taper, that is awesome. You Went bowling, exercise will help, moving always is better than lying around wallowing.
Stay hydrated and it is important to eat even small amounts every few hours to keep up your energy. Get on that elliptical machine in the morning to get those endorphins moving your brain and body will be glad you did.
Beat down those demons, the battle has to be won in your mind.
Congrats on thinking this through and taking the necessary steps towards recovery. It is a long and winding road, it is a marathon not a race.
Keep your eyes on the prize. Keep the faith.
Debbie
Stay hydrated and it is important to eat even small amounts every few hours to keep up your energy. Get on that elliptical machine in the morning to get those endorphins moving your brain and body will be glad you did.
Beat down those demons, the battle has to be won in your mind.
Congrats on thinking this through and taking the necessary steps towards recovery. It is a long and winding road, it is a marathon not a race.
Keep your eyes on the prize. Keep the faith.
Debbie
You're right. My battle is far from over. I'm just not used to having good things happen to me. Or maybe they were and I was too poisoned to realize it. I'm proud of today, but it's just another day really.
My doc echoed what yours did. He told me it takes a lot of courage to admit that you're an addict, especially to the person that was supplying you. He understood, and asked me where I was at. I told him about my tapering and he seemed slightly impressed that I had kept it up. Our initial plan is to get me off the Opana completely, and find something that will control my pain. He cut my ER dose from 20mg pills twice a day to 10mg pills twice a day. That's a large jump, but I've tapered well so far, so I think I can do it. I see him again Monday for something unrelated, and he said we will chat about my addiction then. I'll start the new 10mg pills tomorrow. I imagine that I'll be pretty lousy this weekend, since I'm still not even right after 5 days of my taper. But this is the way it needs to be.
I think I got a little excited about how well I did today. Time to bring myself down a notch. It's early, but I think I may crash. The more I think about it, I start to get depressed. I'm still using, and I'm still an addict. What have I really accomplished? Night everyone.
My doc echoed what yours did. He told me it takes a lot of courage to admit that you're an addict, especially to the person that was supplying you. He understood, and asked me where I was at. I told him about my tapering and he seemed slightly impressed that I had kept it up. Our initial plan is to get me off the Opana completely, and find something that will control my pain. He cut my ER dose from 20mg pills twice a day to 10mg pills twice a day. That's a large jump, but I've tapered well so far, so I think I can do it. I see him again Monday for something unrelated, and he said we will chat about my addiction then. I'll start the new 10mg pills tomorrow. I imagine that I'll be pretty lousy this weekend, since I'm still not even right after 5 days of my taper. But this is the way it needs to be.
I think I got a little excited about how well I did today. Time to bring myself down a notch. It's early, but I think I may crash. The more I think about it, I start to get depressed. I'm still using, and I'm still an addict. What have I really accomplished? Night everyone.
You're just in the process of doing it...be careful - keep your guard up. The minute you think you've got it beat you're in trouble. Remember the old saying - when you dance with the devil the devil changes you, you don't change the devil.
I decided to take my doc's advice and go to my bowling league tonight. I haven't bowled sober in a long time. I had games of 247, 280, and 221. Even won some money in the toughest league in the city. It was fun. I didn't think I could enjoy anything while not being high. Of course I got home, feeling good, and my brain starts up with its BS. "You're happy, you know what would make you feel even better right"? Geez, it really is constant. I was having none of that. I got so much accomplished today towards beating this that I am not going to throw it all away. I'm still following my taper, and now my doc knows and has my back. I can't ask for anything more right now. Time for tv with the wife. I'll check back later. I told you I could do this, even with minimal help!
Wow, that's GREAT! Very relieved for you! I made an appointment with my regular physician for next Thursday to talk with her about my options too. Although she's not the doc that administers my methadone (I go to a clinic that cares about NOTHING but $$ and is pressuring me to stay ON the program), I think she may be a great resource to have for any questions or help that I may need, while coming off methadone.
So glad you took that next step! Congrats!!!
So glad you took that next step! Congrats!!!
In my opinion, you've doe fantastic. Brings back memories. I've posted this before...
When I told my doc, I was waiting for the axe to fall because I'd lied to him for years; he's not a stupid man, and I'm quite sure he knew about my addiction.
Anyway, when I told him that I AM an addict, he said, "Good for you (for telling him). Very few will ever admit they have a problem, and fewer still will ever do anything about it". I guess that we're in that "fewer still" group, a good place to be.
When I told my doc, I was waiting for the axe to fall because I'd lied to him for years; he's not a stupid man, and I'm quite sure he knew about my addiction.
Anyway, when I told him that I AM an addict, he said, "Good for you (for telling him). Very few will ever admit they have a problem, and fewer still will ever do anything about it". I guess that we're in that "fewer still" group, a good place to be.
I just wanted to update fast before I go out for the night and try bowling. My doc wanted me to do something I enjoy.
I came clean to him. Kyle, you were right. I almost didn't out of fear of being cut off. That didn't happen. He is working with me to taper slowly and ultimately get me off them. I told him how hard it was to be truthful, but I knew in my heart that if I was serious, I had to be honest with him. He understood. He's going to check on me in a couple weeks to see how I'm doing. When I get home tonight I'll chat some more. Oh, I also made an appointment with a therapist. It is next week. I think I've done good?
I came clean to him. Kyle, you were right. I almost didn't out of fear of being cut off. That didn't happen. He is working with me to taper slowly and ultimately get me off them. I told him how hard it was to be truthful, but I knew in my heart that if I was serious, I had to be honest with him. He understood. He's going to check on me in a couple weeks to see how I'm doing. When I get home tonight I'll chat some more. Oh, I also made an appointment with a therapist. It is next week. I think I've done good?
Telling your doc takes a lot of guts. Be careful...your head will start making up all sorts of excuses as to why you shouldn't. Knowing that the future flow of meds may be disrupted puts the addict brain in to overdrive. Be strong - do what you know is right.
Good luck! Hopefully you have a good, understanding doc that will HELP and not "punish" you for being honest. I'm pulling for ya... I'm on day 3 of my taper and so far so good but its not easy to do on my own. I've told the ones closest to me but I still have access to my meds also. I just gotta be strong, like you, and take one day at a time!!
You're not alone...
You're not alone...
In the doc office, about to tell him my secret. God I hope he doesn't stop my taper. I'm doing so good, it would really hurt me.
The first hour or two was always the hardest for me too. I didn't do a taper, but went CT. Part of it was the WD and part of it was habit, physically & mentally to get going. After the first 4 or 5 days, the mornings started getting easier as the days passed. Just force yourself to take a shower, take a break, get dressed, take a break, etc. Eventually you will find yourself not needing the breaks in between. :)
Blah, the worst part of my day. So tired, just want to go back to sleep, but I have errands I must run. A hot shower may help me shake this. I hate the first hour. But I said I would win, and I will.
Amen. I've been taking the meds for five years and been able to controll my mouth. It's tough to do when I'm starting the taper down week. The party is over and I know I'm about to run out of pills. Your right about not needing to deal with her on top of the withdrawals. I'm dealing with the usual depression and the quilt of hurting her. I'm very very lucky to have someone that can help. She doesn't know yet how much help I need. My point is I never thought I would snap. I'm no expert here. It's truly terrible what the pills do to your brain. In my case the depression is getting a little better. Could be me finally joining this site and talking about it. I left out some info. before because I didn't my note to you be about me me me. My downfall has been dealing with the results of my wreck which actually happened in 1985. I have a bad disk and stinosis in L5-S1. I've put up with it thru exercise but now if I ride the bike or work out it makes it unbareable. I would love any suggestions with that. I can't imagine having surgery in my back then trying to stay off pain meds. At this point all I know to do is don't take the pills and don't do surgery. I don't want to perminately damage the nurves either. I've stared tripping and falling when stepping up about a year ago. And the pain in my back thru my hip and down my leg drives my crazy. My foot is now asleep. I'm hoping that once my nurves calm down the pain which seems terrible now wont be so bad latter. Enough about me. I can't imagine what you are going thru considering what you have been on. I thought my restless legs and chills were bad. I'm pulling for you. I know everyone is right about reaching out for support but it seems like that's not an option for us closet addicts. I'll tell you how it goes when I do my confession to my wife. Thanks for inspiring me to join in. God bless you.
This initial taper I did was about 50%, which in hindsight was probably a bit optimistic. That's ok though. Every day, the longer I go, I feel the fog lifting very slowly. My next tapers won't be so...ambitious:) Even at 50% I avoided almost all the physical garbage. The mental part has been much worse than I hoped for. Every day that I read everyone's comments and posts it educates me further, and gives me great inspiration to succeed. Even the few that warned me about how hard it would be to go it alone gave me strength because I want to show everyone that it can be done, although not ideally. Others have done it before me, and after I finish I can hopefully provide a small guiding light to those that follow. I've completed 4 days of a 50% taper of a very potent and addicting drug. That is huge to me. But all it is is a small step on a seemingly endless path. I will have to face the demons every day, forever I think.
I do have a question for those that have been so kind and supportive and followed my short struggle. I have found that sleep is tough, even though I'm on medication to help. No doubt the WD is messing with it. But I'm still getting a decent 5-6 hours. I used to be able to function just fine on that when I was clean. Since I'm not, I've found that I have to literally force myself up, and the first hour or so I'm up is the worst part of the day. It gets much easier after that hour. Does anyone have any advice for me to help me not feel so lousy when I first get up? Right now I dose of course, but it isn't immediate relief and I eventually don't want to rely on my drugs just to function when I first get up. I have no appetite so I don't want to eat. I just want to lay in bed. I get up anyhow and want to put my fist through a window. Not because of the pain, which is bad, but because of the anxiety, fog, and malaise that waking brings. I work nights (normally) so my day doesn't generally begin until around 4 pm. I'm just looking for pointers on how to shake the "morning" blues, since my morning comes much later than most. A nice shower? I've noticed that I don't bathe every day now...too much work. I have an elliptical machine that I could try. I take a b complex vitamin along with l-tyrosine for energy. In a perfect world I would take my dogs for a walk around the neighborhood, but the weather is garbage in the winter here. Right now I believe we have freezing rain. So much for a nice soothing walk. This would be a lot easier in the summer since I enjoy being outdoors so much. It really lifts my spirits, even if I'm just working in the yard or playing with the dogs. Maybe even having a beer or 2 while grilling. Swimming at my parents' place. You get the idea. I know I suffer from SAD, so this is a tough time to try and get clean. No excuses though. I could join the YMCA...it's about 5 mins from my house. I have a love of basketball, and I used to be quite good. I would love to start playing again. I also used to work out quite a bit until I tore my rotator cuff. I'm still in decent shape, but not where I want to be. I'm a large guy at 6'2" and 255lbs. I hide the weight well. I just don't know how much exercise would help since I'm still using and am not clean. I suppose it wouldn't do any damage though if my back could handle it. Just wanting to know what others like to do. Oh, and I bowl. I was quite good until my injury and subsequent med use. I've bowled over 20 sanctioned 300 games and 4 800 series, won numerous tournaments, etc. This season I'm in 1 league, and it's been a struggle. I can't compete like I want to because of the addiction. I do have league tonight and I enjoy the company, although there are some real douchebags there also. I was thinking about taking this week off because of my battle, but I think getting out may do me some good.
I also told the wife that I wanted to do something with her this weekend. I suggested a movie. She suggested a hockey game since we have 4 free tickets. I honestly don't care, I just want to spend time with her. Even if she doesn't know it, everything I want or try to do is for her. I've failed her miserably so far and she doesn't even know. Getting clean is not only for me, but for her, my friends and family, and the child that I wish to have soon. I was baked the day I married her. I thought it would "enhance" the best day of my life. Junkies aren't very smart sometimes. I will be clean and sober by the time I have a child, God willing. Hot tub time, then sleep before I try to muster up the courage to tell my doc that I'm an addict. I hope he is willing to treat my addiction, and keep me as a patient. Even though he gives me this poison, I'm the guy that chose to abuse it. That's not his fault. He was trying to help me with my legit pain issues. People like us ruin it for everyone. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I do have a question for those that have been so kind and supportive and followed my short struggle. I have found that sleep is tough, even though I'm on medication to help. No doubt the WD is messing with it. But I'm still getting a decent 5-6 hours. I used to be able to function just fine on that when I was clean. Since I'm not, I've found that I have to literally force myself up, and the first hour or so I'm up is the worst part of the day. It gets much easier after that hour. Does anyone have any advice for me to help me not feel so lousy when I first get up? Right now I dose of course, but it isn't immediate relief and I eventually don't want to rely on my drugs just to function when I first get up. I have no appetite so I don't want to eat. I just want to lay in bed. I get up anyhow and want to put my fist through a window. Not because of the pain, which is bad, but because of the anxiety, fog, and malaise that waking brings. I work nights (normally) so my day doesn't generally begin until around 4 pm. I'm just looking for pointers on how to shake the "morning" blues, since my morning comes much later than most. A nice shower? I've noticed that I don't bathe every day now...too much work. I have an elliptical machine that I could try. I take a b complex vitamin along with l-tyrosine for energy. In a perfect world I would take my dogs for a walk around the neighborhood, but the weather is garbage in the winter here. Right now I believe we have freezing rain. So much for a nice soothing walk. This would be a lot easier in the summer since I enjoy being outdoors so much. It really lifts my spirits, even if I'm just working in the yard or playing with the dogs. Maybe even having a beer or 2 while grilling. Swimming at my parents' place. You get the idea. I know I suffer from SAD, so this is a tough time to try and get clean. No excuses though. I could join the YMCA...it's about 5 mins from my house. I have a love of basketball, and I used to be quite good. I would love to start playing again. I also used to work out quite a bit until I tore my rotator cuff. I'm still in decent shape, but not where I want to be. I'm a large guy at 6'2" and 255lbs. I hide the weight well. I just don't know how much exercise would help since I'm still using and am not clean. I suppose it wouldn't do any damage though if my back could handle it. Just wanting to know what others like to do. Oh, and I bowl. I was quite good until my injury and subsequent med use. I've bowled over 20 sanctioned 300 games and 4 800 series, won numerous tournaments, etc. This season I'm in 1 league, and it's been a struggle. I can't compete like I want to because of the addiction. I do have league tonight and I enjoy the company, although there are some real douchebags there also. I was thinking about taking this week off because of my battle, but I think getting out may do me some good.
I also told the wife that I wanted to do something with her this weekend. I suggested a movie. She suggested a hockey game since we have 4 free tickets. I honestly don't care, I just want to spend time with her. Even if she doesn't know it, everything I want or try to do is for her. I've failed her miserably so far and she doesn't even know. Getting clean is not only for me, but for her, my friends and family, and the child that I wish to have soon. I was baked the day I married her. I thought it would "enhance" the best day of my life. Junkies aren't very smart sometimes. I will be clean and sober by the time I have a child, God willing. Hot tub time, then sleep before I try to muster up the courage to tell my doc that I'm an addict. I hope he is willing to treat my addiction, and keep me as a patient. Even though he gives me this poison, I'm the guy that chose to abuse it. That's not his fault. He was trying to help me with my legit pain issues. People like us ruin it for everyone. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Well don't taper too fast or you will go into full withdrawal and end up just prolonging your misery. I know you want to get it over with but I don't want to see you suffering when you don't have to. Just go slow and steady and you will succeed.
Hope you have a great day tomorrow. It's tough to work while you are going thru this. I am always impressed with those that do.
Hope you have a great day tomorrow. It's tough to work while you are going thru this. I am always impressed with those that do.
One more thing. My back is killing me. I bet 80% of that is sympathetic pain. My back gets no more Opana today. I'm going to try an Aleve and a nice soak in my hot tub instead. Crazy right? I'll be here a bit longer. Movie to finish first, and by then my sleeping meds should be helping so the hot tub will be nice. Nicer yet if the Aleve helps my pain any.
At this moment, I can't complain. Just taking a break from watching Skyfall to check the site. This is a nice time for me. Wife and dogs sleeping. I should be at work, but I'm not quite ready.
I've got a very important day tomorrow. I may take my sleep meds (not opiates) soon so I'm rested up, if possible.
A couple minutes ago, right before checking this, I realized that I had failed my taper plan. I've taken about half of what I planned for. I'm ok with that. I don't want anymore at this time. It should feel like a huge win, but tomorrow is a new day. I may take all I slotted myself tomorrow. I may not. What I won't do is take more than my taper allows. No matter how bad I feel, and I expect to feel pretty bad since I didn't take much today. I'll kick that demon out when I see him tomorrow. Right now, I win. Tomorrow, I'll win again. Nothing is going to stop my friends and I here. It won't be easy, but I'm ready. I'm almost serene right now. Earlier upon waking I felt like I was doomed, but I underestimated myself. You and I and everyone else here will be ok.
I've got a very important day tomorrow. I may take my sleep meds (not opiates) soon so I'm rested up, if possible.
A couple minutes ago, right before checking this, I realized that I had failed my taper plan. I've taken about half of what I planned for. I'm ok with that. I don't want anymore at this time. It should feel like a huge win, but tomorrow is a new day. I may take all I slotted myself tomorrow. I may not. What I won't do is take more than my taper allows. No matter how bad I feel, and I expect to feel pretty bad since I didn't take much today. I'll kick that demon out when I see him tomorrow. Right now, I win. Tomorrow, I'll win again. Nothing is going to stop my friends and I here. It won't be easy, but I'm ready. I'm almost serene right now. Earlier upon waking I felt like I was doomed, but I underestimated myself. You and I and everyone else here will be ok.
A few small grams brings the ecstasy
It comes with a cost; it is not free
The song of the Sirens seems to never end
Tune it out, begin to mend
The time is now to give in
It matters not we're drenched in sin
It's the only way we shall ever heal
For it is the goal, to once again feel
The evil lurks at every turn
Fire inside seems to forever burn
The light just seems so far away
The path is tiny and we must not stray
We can get there if we are true
Let's go together; there are lives to renew
The journey's too hard to go it alone
Together we'll make it and begin to atone
Hold my hand and be my guide
I promise I shall never leave your side
Nothing is hopeless like we believe
Redemption is what we shall receive
It comes with a cost; it is not free
The song of the Sirens seems to never end
Tune it out, begin to mend
The time is now to give in
It matters not we're drenched in sin
It's the only way we shall ever heal
For it is the goal, to once again feel
The evil lurks at every turn
Fire inside seems to forever burn
The light just seems so far away
The path is tiny and we must not stray
We can get there if we are true
Let's go together; there are lives to renew
The journey's too hard to go it alone
Together we'll make it and begin to atone
Hold my hand and be my guide
I promise I shall never leave your side
Nothing is hopeless like we believe
Redemption is what we shall receive
In your case, I think you should tell your wife and hand over your pills, or don't even pick up the refill. You've gone 5 days without, which is remarkable. Congratulations! The physical withdrawal should be done with you. There's no reason for you to take anymore. At least your wife knows, and you should use her as an asset in your recovery. I would kill to be 5 days sober. It seems unreachable right now, until I remember that I've already taken baby steps towards that. I've gotten close to snapping on my wife too, but I take a split second to think before I open my stupid mouth and I end up saying the right things. I don't need to deal with her on top of my recovery right now. She can be rough sometimes, which is why I can't tell her my dirty secret.
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