GREAT!!! Now what :(

[IWantMyLifeBack5525]

OK well I was doing good on my road to recovery....11 days clean of a 20-30 per day oxy use (5/325mg) I was so proud of myself!!! and guess what happened? I F***ed it all up!! So on monday I went to the doctor with my dad who had stage 4 colon cancer and the doc hands me theses scripts to get filled for him and what do you know there is my DOC staring me in the face! I was like ok breath you can do this. I go and get them filled and I had to stop at my house before I went back to give them to him and dont you know before I evven thought about it I had 3 in my mouth and swollowed.....I really wanted to make my self vomit to get rid of them but fourtunally cant do that to myself...I was devestated and none the less sick to my stomache after about an hour I really thought I was going to vomit and I was really dizzy so I really didnt get the euphoria feeling as excpected....and then today like an idiot I took another one but only one this time....why the he*l do I do this to myself? I took the other ones that I borrowed (ok stole) and snuck them back into my dads bottle...I dont want to start this cycle over again!!!!!! so heres my question am I am going to have to do the whole WD thing over again?  I really hate myself for doing this again. 11 days right out the window.  I am just so tired ALL the time!!! what can I do to help ease the tiredness I feel I am taking the LTyrosine and a vitamin everyday...anything else? How could I do this to my dad/ (even though he dosnt even know it) he is sick and really needs those meds and here I go stealing them UGH!!! I feel like such a loser!  How many tries before it took everyone else to come clean am I the only one?  granted I did much better this time than past times I never made it more than 2-3 days and I was on day 11...I even cancelled my appointment I had on the 7th of october to go to the pain clinic....oh please some advice...I am full of so much guilt for doing this again or ever for that matter...thanks for any and all help...

[IWantMyLifeBack5525]

no I didnt suffer any withdrawls when I messed up...just the mentall part that makes us feel really guilty for doing it again. you should not have any either...hang in there we can do this msg me if you want to talk :)

[last_time]

I'm just curious,as I'm in the same situation...did u suffer any physical withdrawls after your small mistake (don't want to call it a relapse)?? I had 11 days this past sat and took 40mg of oxy and hated myself after-just wasn't worth it. I've felt fine and if I sleep tonight then I'll consider myself ok . Just don't think I could deal with withdrawals ever again.

Thanks

[IWantMyLifeBack5525]

Thanks for the advice...I am not doing aftercare for a number of reasons one because I never really looked into it and 2 because I really dont have time (i know lame excuse huh)  but really I have two kids, a husband  and my dad to take care of and then I work from 2pm-11pm..but I have made it my goal to look into it. I did ask my husband though if he would pick my dads meds up for me and he said ok no reason needed (thanks goodness) I just cant belive how hard this is...I know the right things to do but its like I dont make thoese right decisions its like my brain and I arnt on the same page..lol but like others said time to pick myself up dust myself off and try again. and as you said I am quite sure my secret isnt quite the secret I thought it was. but I am not ready to tell the whole world yet...just complete strangers on here is fine for right now..lol thanks for listening

[worried878]

Having those pills in ur hand is sumpin u have to avoid..it seems as if u already know that and r making plans to avoid this happening again...being honest with ur husband wouldnt hurt//it is not the dirty secet we think it is when we finally "come out of the closet"  i found out 2 of my drs go to meetings....sweetie/we r not alone/the world is full of addicts/alcoholics...i told my mom so i could be held accountable to someone...not sure it was the right choice but i did it...people who love u forgive u...and thios is not sumpin to beg forgiveness for..it is a disease..

I do worry bout the fact u have to pick up pills monthly for ur dad..i understand/but if u r tempted again/which will most likely be the case//u need to tell ur husbband so perhaps he can take over this short trip monthly until u feel strong..avoiding aftercare/meetings can be self destructive..it is the most constructive thing u can do..most do not tho//a very small percent go to meetings or aftercare...stats say less than 10%..reasons varying from thinking they dont need aftercare, not wanting to be found out/secrecy/ or just not taking the time to do so....some just really r not educated enuf on addiction to realize that it is crucial for most to make it clean long term///getting clean is easy/staying clean is not

why don't u go to any counseling/aftercare/meetings?  do u have a reason that keeps u from going?  Dont forget we r powerless over narcotics/benzos...ie our doc....we r weak where pills are concerned..aftercare can not make things worse..i often wonder why people do not take advantage of aftercare..i do know many do not have insurance for counseling/but meetings r free?  

[ckc387]

We are almost identical our reasoning. I quit this summer after I had a hysterectomy. I was clean almost 25 days and then I got hurt and had to have another surgery. So here I am again trying to get as many clean days in as I can before I have to go back to work.
My hubby takes pills too, he locks them up now. Still I know they r there. Yep there is no way I can pick up perscriptions. Make someone else do it. Your not ready for that yet. The wose part about this **** is the energy loss. You will get an energy change sum its 9, 11, 14 days everyones different. Try to let go of the guilt I know you eat yrself up. Try to exercise lil bits. If you could leave for like 10 days or get family to help w/ kids that would be good to. I freak when I cheat too.

[IWantMyLifeBack5525]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.....I dont have any aftercare just this website. My husband helps me alot I never admited my addiction to him, i just told him I no longer wanted to take the pain killers anymore and he has helped me stick to that...but he can only help me with what he knows...he did not know about me taking them yesterday or the day before......I quit because I dont want to be in this cycle of where am I going to get them from and how many lies am I going to have to tell to get to that point anyway I quit because I want to know what it is like to be truly happy and my kids deserve to have a mom who does not rely on pain killers to wake up in the morning...sometimes I watch people and see them laughing and having fun and wonder if they are really happy and if they are thats what I want to wake up and not think of my DOC...I want to think of the good days to come allthough I know I just set my self back a little and it will take me a while before I am able to feel again but I know I will get there. well thanks for listening to me ramble and thanks again for the advice.

[worried878]

Ur wds will not start over at square one!  give urself a break..u r an addict and u screwed up..shake it off..get back on track and keep moving forward..it is a lesson right now that u can not see or have pills near u///not right now/and maybe not forever..but right now try ur best to avoid contact with those puppies..they r not ur friend/they r ur enemy

r u doing any type of aftercare?  aftercare is what helps people get past this horris mental crazy stuff where u will steal pills and feel like a piece of garbage..the spider web is still encirculing ur brain..give ur brain some time to heal...exercise rather than popping pills WORKS!...even if u just go walk or clean a closet..u gotta MOVE!

cravings typically last 15 minutes or less..gotta wait it out,,have a plan for them..excellent article on cravings in the health pages thar Cathy wrote

If u want cleandom with ur heart and soul/then u will do this...just a bump in the road/what hapened to u/dont let it turn into a full fledged relapse/dont////it will take u nowhere but down

can u tell us the reasons u quit? type them here for urself//remind urself/ pain pills cause alot of pain for some//but the memories slip away fast///why did u quit in the first place?

[dominosarah]

That sounds like a good plan to have your mom go with you.  I know this is tough for you right now and you have to be tougher.  Dont beat yourself up.  Take the negative thoughts you have and turn them into something positive.  Stay strong       sara

[IWantMyLifeBack5525]

thanks all for the advice.  It reallly isnt an option for someone else to handle the meds..I have to fill them for him and then I give them to him so now that he has them I cant take anymore but when I would fill them before thats when I would take ALOT of them but I put them all back this time. I am not going to do it again.  noone in my family knows of my addiction. So they would wonder why I want my dad to lock up his percocets.  I willl just have to fight harder.  Maybe next time I will drive my mom to the pharmacy to fill them and wait in the car. she dosnt drive which is why I have to go and fill them and stuff but I will have to make her go with me next time.  Thanks again for all the words of encouragement!!!!

[adorkablemom]

I agree with Lee and Lesa.But dont do it again or it will be back to the same old cycle. Maybe someone else in the family can handle the meds...if thats an option? YOU CAN do this!! And lots of support here. 11 days is a great accomplishment keep adding to it!

[10356]

It is difficult to be tested so early in your recovery.. many of us has relapsed. I also do not think you will go through wd but it does set us back mentally a bit as mentioned above..  Good on you that you put the others back. I do not know if your family knows of your addiction but maybe you can get a lock box for your dad as this is recommended for these kind of pills and he keeps the key. this may help with the temptation.. Pick yourself up dust yourself off and start again yo have not lost all the work you have done.. lesa

[leeisgettingclean]

never alone, we are here! others might say that you start back at day one but you will see, i am not sayin go out and use cause it dont put you back at day one, it will eventually, but not this one time!

[IWantMyLifeBack5525]

Thanks!! glad to know I am not the only one...I am not going to do any more..like I said I put the rest back to whom the belong to and moving on...I dont want to start over from day one I want to have the rest of my life clean I cant keep going through this. thanks your post made me feel better. Again glad to know I am not alone.!!! :)

[leeisgettingclean]

no you will not start all over, i did this same thing! mentally it puts oyu back a bit but phsically if you go no future with this you sould be fine. you might have a bad day  tomorrow put no its not back to day one by no means i promise. I did this to and had the same fear, i got conflicting answers on here so i had to learn for myself. just dont do it anylonger or you will be back at day one