Crying Opiate Tears ...Again....

[bewitched_queen]

Hi guys, good morning to you all. It's been a very long night and here I sit, 8am, crying because I'm dying inside.  I've taken all the advice, Imodium, lots of gatorade, sleep aids. And nothing compares to what I really want. The tears are not from self pity tho, they are from knowing I can go get them and I'm fighting myself not to. It's killing me. This may sound crazy to some that havnt fought the opiate demon but it feels as if my heart has been ripped right out. No joy, no happiness. Only misery. I think of going on everyday like this and I would truly rather be dead. I'm sorry to all the people who have had kind things to say and been supportive. But I'm just not strong enough. I'm so sorry.

[lynnalb15]

This/these emotions happen to us ALL. I think it's part of the process of healing or wanting that out of our lives. Be greatful that you see what it's doing to yu and that somewhere deep inside up want that sobriety. Just strive for it. Your gunna mess up and struggle. But we're human. It's what we do. All you can do is try.

[kk1303]

Hey babysteppin, I sent u a private message

[babysteppin]

I am only taking one 7.5 mg per day.  Is that crazzzy?  I was taking two back in November and reduced to one per day.  I am so depressed though throughout the day and detached and feel the need for a norco but trying not too.  I don't know, take norco and lift depression and anxiety so my mind doesn't race so much....I am a mess when it wears off.  Any suggestions you would have to help would be so appreciated.  My doctor just increase my valium due to anxiety as I am hyperventiltating.  There are many times in the last three weeks I just don't want to be here anymore..  That scares me so muc h and have been isolating.  

[vicki595]

Heres a way to get strong:  call your husband and find out where he hid the pills. Get them and flush them!  End of drama and very empowering. It's the only way you'll calm down and stop thinking about it.   You are strong enough to push past this, don't try to convince yourself otherwise.   Don't hide behind this bs! Crazy, suicidal, etc...so extreme. Come on!

Get'em and flush'em!

[bama88]

hey babbysteppin. i want to welcome you to the right place. may i ask you how long and how much and what have you been taking?

[ricart70]

Hi there are many people here to help you through this.Just go to the top left and click on post a question.THere you can start your own thread and you will get lots of people who will respond and help you.You can do it and it sounds like you are not on too high a dose so all the better

[babysteppin]

Can you please help me through getting off norco.  I have never taken this drug and at first,  for four months , I was fine or thought I was.  I began taking these pills after almost losing my life in a accident.  Fractured spine, and alot more...hospital had me on the strongest medication, then discharged me on methadone which scared me to take but had too becaue of the pain and weaned off of that as soon as I could and began norco.  I was fine or at least thought I was fine and now I am so depressed, detached, confused, disoriented, no apetite unless I take a norco in which I wait until evening and only take one which I know is the only reason I am sleeping.  Do you know if  I just cut back little by little to stop severe withdrawls.  I am so scared and alone. No friends due to a recent divorce

[NeverDreamed]

Well call or text him and tell him when he is off, he needs to get them out of the house.  I'm glad you got out with kids.  Know though that you will obsess over them if they are within your reach.  You have to get them as far away from you as possible.  Keep yourself busy, but you will only torture yourself having those things around.  You can do this.  Remember this site helped me so much because it made me accountable for my actions.  I knew I had people relying on me, people who cared who I did not want to hurt for me.  You have that too, and if you are tempted to find them and cannot muster the strength for yourself, find it for us, the ones on the sidelines checking on you, worrying about you, wanting so much for you to succeed... not trying to be a guilt trip, just want you to know how important you are.  Even as a stranger, I feel so much love and support here.   Keep up the clean time sister.

[bewitched_queen]

Thanks to all of you :)  I took the kids to the local library and checked us all out a few books. Maybe this will help take my mind off everything for a little while. Oh how I hope. I found myself in the library wondering where he might have hidden those suckers... him coming back to get them isnt an option tonite. he's at work, like I knew he would be tonite. convenient huh. an addicts longterm plan. but I have not fallen weak & have not called him to ask where they are. I'm really trying .

[howlingshadow]

O my gosh, I know how it feels you feel like your whole world is crumbeling you cry at everything you feel abandoned and you are angry at the world. I hope you stay strong and i hope you keep posting. I must have cried an ocean over the last month and I was not even on as strong a dose as most. It ripps at me to know how many people are going through this, I know how cold and lonely and aweful it feels but the world has not abondoned you, they are right there its the pills that have done this to you. PLEASE dont go back to them........

[NeverDreamed]

Hey there Hun, check it out... I had the option last night at Day 22, remember?  It was people like you saying you admired me and were looking up to me, that made me make the concious decision "I will not trade my prescription for his, tonight.  Because Bewitched and the others that posted are counting on me, and because I can do this, I have to"
I have a wonderful husband, make plenty of money, I still have my house, my car, I have tons of friends....but none of these people not even my husband know.  So I look to this site to keep me strong.  I believe in my heart and soul you all truly care for me and my struggle.  You may not have tangible in your face friends, but we here know each others struggle all too well.. We want you to succeed, as some people here have found a new and exciting life, and the rest of us are either on our way to finding it, or are looking to find it.  We all are proof that it's there.  We all want better for ourselves, our family..   You can do this.  Take yourself to the mall, or grocery store, even if it's just to browse.  Call your children's father, tell him to go to the house and get the "stash" OUT.  You will not die from withdrawal, I promise you, you will feel better.  If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call 911.  Also know if you are having those thoughts, think of the repercussions, your children would miss you, they would grow up possibly blaming themselves, numerous negatives.   I've known suicide close to me, and you are only going to hurt all of those around you.  Get help if you are having those thoughts.  Please keep posting, we are here for you, I am here for you.  

[MikeInFrance]

Worth way more than 2 cents when u continue fighting.

[apike31108]

You are so "me" bewitched. Seriously. I feel the same way you do. But no pills anywhere I can get my hands on which is good because honey you have more willpower than me. I keep thinking just one to help. I have a refill on March 9th, I can get it as early as March 7th...who is counting down the days? Me. How pathedic. I can't get any until then. I am pathedic. I need off them. They have been my friend and support since my mom passed away in Oct.

[bewitched_queen]

I will Mike. I'm tired. I'm not trying to stop because of anything but my own desire. No CPS wanting my kids, no spouse demanding I do it, nothing but my own desire to be free. That's what's so crazy to me. Its not the pills I want free of, heck I love those. It's the being addicted. To anything. It's the feeling of helplessness that I cannot tolerate. That's just my 2 cents for what its worth...  

[bewitched_queen]

Unfortunately no Sara. I work too much, go to school too much. I only have "friends" that I can get pills from if I run out too soon...not real friends in other words. It's funny to me, how in real life, fellow addicts that you know don't want you to get clean. It's almost like they hate you for it. This is just my experience. They want to keep people where they are. Enslaved to big pharmaceutical... I'm making a stand guys. It's all I can do. If I do fail, I will be back to go another round. I have to beat it eventually.  I will not accept failure. Now for my regularly scheduled watch the clock session....

[MikeInFrance]

And guess what...? So many of us truly and sincerely and honestly want to help you, a total stranger that we know so very little about. You know why dont you? Cuz we have this problem in common. And only we can offer the kind of advice and words that mean something real. . We all come here looking for, needing , sometimes pleading for help.... Stay in contact with that part of yourself. The part that wants change , the part that brought you here to this familial community.

[bewitched_queen]

All I have done in the last 24 hours is not use Mike. That's a lot for me. I know it takes time, just like it took time to become addicted. I'm not making any excuses for myself, I'm a weak addict who is trying to become a strong sober person. That's it.

[dominosarah]

Do you have someone you can call?  A friend that you can go and see?  Your mind is in overdrive right now and that becomes very overwhelming for us.  Get out of your house for awhile.  Those pills are calling your name.  When you feel better have him come get those pills and get them out of there.  You are stronger than you think.  Fight for you, dont let your addiction take over.   sara

[MikeInFrance]

"Don't u think that if i could change the way I feel I would?"   Great question... What have you done to try to change it today? Today! Like in the last hours today today! ....what have you done?  Cuz from what I see, there was some planning for getting high and not for feeling better. u do seem intelligent to me and it's why I am really trying to appeal to you from all sides .:.: that this is just plain dumb! Decide what u want 1 month, 3 months 1 year from now bcause it starts now!

[bewitched_queen]

Thank you ricart70. I am struggling second by second to claw my way to where you guys are. Pill free. I will keep trying.

[bewitched_queen]

Not hard at all Mike. Because I 100% agree with you. Up to a point. These pills will kill us but not having them makes me wish I would die. I know this is wrong. Im an intelligent person that may be an addict to opiates but am still very honest with myself. Of course its wrong. But its how I feel and I cannot help that. Don't you think if I could change the way I feel, that I would? Id like to think we all would. I love you being outspoken about what you perceive as wrong. Because you are right. It's wrong and I can't help it. Bottom line.  

[ricart70]

wow that's alot of responsibility.Just try to make it a few more days it will get better.What you are feeling is magnified 100x by this w/d  I know it does not help much to know that but after going through this a couple of times it really seemed to help me just knowing that if I hung on that there would be a big reward waiting for me that wasn't a pill.   hang in there  you can do it!

[MikeInFrance]

It's not only not good to have those pills there but it's so wrong to believe that you have those pills there as an 'out' for yourself if suicidal thoughts become real. I just have a huge problem with that. Let me tell you how you should be looking at that .... Taking those pills will kill you! That's the suicide i always tell myself about and I don't want to die. What can I say here...? If you seriously think about hurting yourself then call 911 because if you think ... If you believe that those pills can somehow save you then it's just flat wrong. U r playing a game with yourself and your life and that of your family. Please think about that and stop thinking about the pills that should never be there anyway during this process: whoeer brought them there need to get them out of there. I'm sorry if all that sounded hard at all but you are confused and soany of us really want to help you get through this the right way!

[bewitched_queen]

Yes in the house. Right now. Don't know where but here. I felt better just knowing if I truly came to the point I wanted to die then I could go get them.  I know this is no good. I know. But like I said, I'm nothing if not honest and the addict in my brain would not let those pills walk out the door. I have NOT looked for them. I hope I don't. But before I'm willing to hurt myself over not having them, I will go get them. I really hope it doesn't come to that. I'mtryong so hard. I really am. I am sole provider to six kids, hold two jobs and go to school. Yet I'm not one bit better than the addict living under the freeway overpass looking for their next fix. No better. They only had different choices in life. We all came crashing down....