MY RELAPSE CONFESSION

[flmagi]

I started back using sometime around Christmas. Family & friends know about it. But I have been to ashamed to tell anyone here. I also didn't want to discourage any newbies. I have no doubt some of you suspected the relapse.  I had been clean about 2 months, but as some of you know, I had become very depressed. Life was just so bad. Excuses.  I turned the pills away a few times, had them in my hands. I was so proud of myself. But it just took the right triggers at the right time and I lost. The anti-depressants I started taking weren't working fast enough.  So, work has picked up, actually getting slammed with jobs (good thing). Don't have the time to go thru withdrawels and certainly can't deal with the depression again. But I hate this. Don't want to take these pills anymore. So, so angry I ever got started on this stuff. What have I done to my life? I know so many things would be different if I had never started. Oh god, such a major life fuk up.  Major fuk up!!!    So Wed. we're (yes,Mary too)(sorry Mary) off to the Doctor to get on Suboxone. We're very excited about doing this and moving in a positive direction. A permanent positive direction.  We have no insurance, so it's gonna cost a bundle, but well worth it , I hope. Most every one that has or is on it, seems to swear by it. Wish us luck.
I feel I have deceived all of you by not admitting my relapse. I'm so sorry. But I could not really do that without turning Mary in too, and thats not my place to do Marys confession. I told her I was fessing up now. Its time. Long over due.
To all the newbies getting clean: Watch and plan ahead for trigger points. They will happen to the strongest of us. Be prepared, be strong.

[KeepTheHope]

hey flmagi, let the guilt go. think how I feel...I've been putting every excuse in the book up here for a few months now, and I still have hardly even tapered. I keeping thinking I'll get a msg on here that says "ok you are cut off your posting rights due to lack of getting clean" So just feel good that at least you have a plan and you obviously have a good  conscience. I wanted to add also that regardless of how great the subxone works, even if you feel perfectly fine and exactly back to normal, remembr that something got you started on using in the first place while you were once feeling "normal" still something got you to use. so in the long run watch out for whatever it was that got you started using in the first place. Dont expect suboxone to do anything but take away most of the physical withdral feelings. I'm sure that has been said, but I just wanted to say it again. Dont put all your eggs in one basket and just expect to spend the time and money on subx and all your problems will go away. sorry for being forward...

[flmagi]

Thanks again everyone. And yeah,like Mary said, we're going to have to find some after care. This time its gotta stick.  I'm done,  well done, cooked,  ripe and ready to go.
Hugs to all of you.
Magi

[road2recovery]

also, i wanted to say that getting to the core of the problem can be painfull, so be prepared...i know you both had some issues with your brothers passing.....But u have to deal with these types of things, whether it is thearpy , meetings, higher power...It has to be something..
For me my first session was hard and i wanted a pill so i didn't feel what she got me to talk about, then i didn't want to go back...BUT i did and more came out, things that i thought i had buried and not had issues with ..But i did and i needed to get it out..
I knew there was a reason just was scared to face it..So that is why i turned to alcohol first, then got sober from that , felt great....Started having female problems , lots of pain, then pain meds, so i replaced one for another....My DOC i think will always be alcohol, but for me i can't tough any of it...I will never be a social drinker...And i hate that...Why can't i go eat dinner and have a glass of wine? or one beer?  like everyone else...
Well we all know the answer to that one..
But once i understood that, and stopped blaming my childhood , thing that happen to Almost 5 months and to be honest Mary i have not got the energy back when taking pills...But remember that is why we took them, for pain first then , the energy....So i happy just having the energy i had when i wasn't on pills...Most of the energy it gave me i was using to count pills, hide pills, call for pills, scared when running low, etc...So it really was wasted energy...
Don't be scared, it will get better......Wishing Mary and Magi the best...
Honesty is the best, so thanks for having the courage to tell us...
love
r2r

[road2recovery]

U too can never dissapoint us..We love you girls..I think you both are going in the right direction with going on sub, and working together on this.....
Also glad u will look into aftercare, i think it is what has helped me not to relapse...i see a consouler who is also a addict in recovery, so she understands everything, but also gives me a kick in my *** when i need one..
Wishing you both the best, and please post whether using or not...Let us know how ya'll are doing...
good luck
hugs to you both
r2r

[allaboutmary]

Thank You all so much !  I do agree we need after care.  Last time we just didn't push ourselves to get to a meeting.  We are lazy, lazy buggers. We went to one bad meeting and wrote the whole thing off.
I'm having a bad day all around today.  Magi and I are on seperate jobs today and I seem to go into an all day anxiety attack not having her there. This is how close we are. I think we were suppose to be twins or something.  
Thanks again everyone.  You are all so wonderful.  
Mary

[IBKleen]

Mary..Magi...

I adore you guys, I think you know that.

I formerly started using drugs when I was 13. found my DOC at fifteen. that was 42 years ago. I have a lot of experiencing using drugs, and a little experience on how NOT to use drugs. But the experience I have with clean time..works. I KNOW that I cannot get clean alone. I know THAT I cannot STAY clean alone. I KNOW that I need help to get to the core issues that caused me to use in the first place.

"Normal" people don't pop pills, or stick needles in their arms to feel good. they just do it. As addicts, we lack the ability to do that. We CAN'T feel good because of our brain chemistry, so we use drugs. And, we use them for the reasons that normal people find "normal", if that makes any sense.

So, when I say aftercare, I mean whatever it takes to get you to that place where you re-learn how to naturally "feel good".

Please, the two of you are such beautiful ladies........