Update on ME

[Junip]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to reach out to everyone to let you know where I am at.  For one, the support, encouragement and feedback is extremely valuable and important to me.  Secondly, I feel like being open and honest with my MH family is another form of accountability for me.  As you all know, I was starting c/t last Friday. I had been doing really well in my taper, down to 1.5 Percocet 10/325, and then down to one.  I should have listened to you all and just jumped at that point.  Unfortunately, right around New Years I found where my husband had hid his meds. He was not using his safe and I stumbled upon them. For once, I was not actually searching for them and kind of inadvertently found them. I should have told him right then but he and I were doing so well that I did not want to disappoint him and the addict in me convinced myself that I would not back track. Well, I started taking Oxy 60mg daily, as well as more Percocet than he was leaving me.  Some days I think I actually took 90mg of Oxy.  In any case, my daily use shot up again and I blew everything I had accomplished prior.  So, I decided that I was going to just try c/t again and I knew I needed to tell him what had happened because I NEED him to lock up the meds. Friday I started off ok and then by the afternoon I was feeling sick. I left work early.  Friday night I was sick and because I had not talked to my husband yet, he left me a Percocet at night and I took it.  Then on Saturday we had a birthday party to bring our twins to and I ended up taking meds and blew my quit date.  Saturday night my husband confronted me.  He had counted his meds on Friday afternoon and then again on Saturday evening and saw that I had taken more and knew I had taken a big stumble backwards.  It was not a pretty conversation, he was very upset and concerned and rightfully so. I was also very upset and felt so incredibly awful for hurting him and once again betraying his trust. He did not want to talk that night and I was up most of the night feeling sick and upset.  The next morning we talked more but he was still upset. However we were having company that we had to reschedule multiple times and he did not want to cancel on them again so he gave me one pill and we go through the day.  I felt sick starting in the early evening and he gave me one Percocet again at night. Obviously, this is a huge drop from what I had been taking though so I have been experiencing withdrawals and was up all night last night. I did try to explain to him just how it feels as an addict because he does not understand. He did agree to lock everything up starting today and asked how I want to handle this.  I can't take off of work but I will suffer through to get this detox done.  We have nothing this coming weekend and my boss is out of the office from Wednesday on this week so I think I will just take one Percocet in the morning tomorrow because I have to spend the day with my boss and after that I am going to just be done. I will NOT have access to the meds, and that is the most important thing.  I truly wanted to do it starting last week but I still had access and my addiction was just leading me to those bottles.  I have set up after care and I am going to buy everything I can possibly get my hands on from the Thomas Recipe to try and do this once and for all.  I am also going to see a therapist for underlying issues.  I have gone on/off over the years and think I need to go back. I deal with so much given my husband's disability and the changes in him over the past ten years. He became disabled when we were engaged but we never anticipated it would be long term and so he has changed dramatically due to his disability. Also, issues with my stepchildren and my relationship with them. I have always given 150% to them and I get treated poorly by my younger stepdaughter and it kills me.  There are also some new issues going on in my family with my brother and my parents and having a very close-knit family, that has been difficult for me.  I just need coping skills for my every day stress, being a working mom to two young children and sometimes a caretaker for my husband; it is a lot of pressure sometimes and I have obviously handled it the wrong way given my predisposition for substance abuse.  I WANT to beat this and I don't know that my husband really understands that. I think he sees my failure as me wanting to be an addict; I don't think he realizes the power of addiction, which makes it difficult to understand how I could mess up when I was doing well.  Anyway, that's where I am at. I am trying to pick myself up, dust myself off and try again.  It is very difficult right now just because I know how upset my husband is and I know he is entitled to that. I just feel very alone and very down and I am SO tired of this illness.  Anyway, I have two new books to read for my sleepless nights and I am ready for battle.  If anyone has any advice as to what may help alleviate the skin-crawling feeling, I would really appreciate it.  That and the feeling like my skin is burning inside are two of the worst for me. I never get RLS and I can deal with stomach issues but I have a difficult time with those other two, they are really what always would drive me back to the pills when I was trying to detox.  Thanks everyone!!! Please pray for me...I need it.

[gnarly_1]

Hey  well you dont loose the war if you keep fighting I cannot recamend the N/A progam more  with time you will loose the desire to use  no other progam or consoling can do that for you   now I still get days where the addict in me screams at me to use  but there far and few in between the progam helps me work threw then without using the meetings are only a hour long but I always stay over to talk it is your addictive behavior that need to be addressed if not more then likly you will go back  keep posting for support if you have questions just ask...................................Gnarly

[VICourageous]

Nice Post  So Honest!!

Addiction is a Brain Disease and every excuse you used is part of this disease. WE have ALL done it! Some for over 40yrs like myself & others, and some for shorter terms.
When I came c/t off my 3 meds back in 2012 I had a real hard long and intense w/d. I was 56 at the time. At that time I had picked up some videos and some reading all about Addiction. This helped my Hub & my Family understand more and also give me more support. They were the ones that kept on telling me it will take more time. ( When I was going to give up)..I also was on here every day for a couple of yrs getting some very good support, plus my meetings.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I used for all these yrs, off & on for any reason except to party or environment. Then as time went by I took a good look back. Plus in my 18m I lost both parents and my dog and other family members & friends. This was one of the biggest test I ever had. I wanted to go drink & drug because we as addicts can not live in our own skin if things do not go right. I made it by sticking on here and journaling. The after I had a heart procedure which made me UP my support and change some of it too. My point is, that it does take so so so much work to stay clean and so so so much work to get those excuses out of our head. The Mid-brain-Pleasure (survival) part plays a big role here and it will play the tape back over & over until you give it the pleasure it so desires. It does feel like a BIG battle and it will go on for the rest of a Addicts life. Support and more Support is one big thing..Also staying away from people, places and things was my hardest, but it will save your life by not triggering the mind.
I do wish you ALL the best and maybe look this up in a more scientific way too. It will not cure you, but at least you will not be so hard on yourself. BUT remember it also is our choice now..lol
Bless

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Hey Junip, you got this girl. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step. Making a plan to fix that problem is the second step. Then fixing it. Try to explain to your husband how hard it is, pull up this site and have him read some forums to help him understand. He can't just give you one more. Be he must pretend to you that the pills do not exist. You need to be DONE to, no excuses. There will always be something to do, work, kids, company. There will always be a reason to not want to thrive in pain through detox, so you just have to make the jump and fully commit, not just one more. You are doing awesome and your mind set is there. No you need to take the leap. I'm proud of you and remember you got this. We are all here rooting you on.

[Cricketk92]

Hey you!  SO glad you are picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and starting again!!!!  I can tell you this...if I had access to pills I would have taken them too during my detox!  Heck, even today if they were there I dont know what I would do!!!  Its a struggle to get clean but having them in front of you seems nearly impossible!  Please make sure he locks them up!!!  You know if they arent you will find them again!!!  Its good that you are stocked up on supplements and even 2 new books!!!  All of that will help pass the time if you cant sleep!!!  I didnt really experience the skin crawling I just felt like I couldnt get comfortable no matter where I went.  It was like I couldnt sit still!  SO I didnt...I just kept moving as much as I needed to!  Im sure someone will have some advice for you on the skin symptoms!!!  When is your last pill....on Wednesday?  Its hard when there is so much going on in life and as addicts we can always find a reason why its not a good time to quit!  But you can do this!!!  We are all here for you!!!!  When do you start you counseling?  That will be really helpful!!!  Im here cheering you on!!!!  XOXO  Karen