Aa
Moderate Drinking
I will begin my question by saying I know where Im eventually going with this in my life and I just want a few sides of the story before I begin. My question will consist of a rant and a couple different questions you can answer any of them and I appreciate any feedback good or bad.
I am a or was depends what dogma you follow a drug addict. Pretty severe IV'd coke meth heroin perks you name it i probably stuffed it in my vein. I wasn't alway an IV dude I prided myself on not ever using needles as if somehow that was the threshold that separated the "lost causes" from the people just having a bit of fun. Although I always knew people who got coke didn't immediately learn how to smoke it. My pride with needles dissipated quite quickly. Thats besides the point the point is I was pretty heavy into meth that was my drug in my final days about two years ago I was doing heroin with it because everyone i hung out with was but I never got "Hooked". It's been almost two years it's about 1 month away, my job is secure, I just bought a house, I'm happy legitimately happy. On the flip side I have also just turned 21 I was aresseted when I was 19 and I just turned the big TWO ONE. So why is that I can't have a beer? Catch up with old friends. Because 12 steps have branded me this forever lost cause that needs to go to meetings just to obtain a social life? I hate it so much what do you guys think be honest? I don't have much of a social life in or out side the rooms, why? Because I learned throughout these last two years I'm not that found of people I am an introvert in its entirety!! I'm proud of that. However I am not proud I used drugs like I did, ****** my family over, stole money, robbed, why do I have to relive it with a bunch of people every week to maintain a number of years with out a drink or drug? Why is abstinence the only way and the only thing taught.... I feel I have grown matured if you will. Please any feed back is awesome sorry for the mouth full I will go more into details of my feeling when i get some answers.
-Nue
P.S.
this is my first ever question on a forum!!
I am a or was depends what dogma you follow a drug addict. Pretty severe IV'd coke meth heroin perks you name it i probably stuffed it in my vein. I wasn't alway an IV dude I prided myself on not ever using needles as if somehow that was the threshold that separated the "lost causes" from the people just having a bit of fun. Although I always knew people who got coke didn't immediately learn how to smoke it. My pride with needles dissipated quite quickly. Thats besides the point the point is I was pretty heavy into meth that was my drug in my final days about two years ago I was doing heroin with it because everyone i hung out with was but I never got "Hooked". It's been almost two years it's about 1 month away, my job is secure, I just bought a house, I'm happy legitimately happy. On the flip side I have also just turned 21 I was aresseted when I was 19 and I just turned the big TWO ONE. So why is that I can't have a beer? Catch up with old friends. Because 12 steps have branded me this forever lost cause that needs to go to meetings just to obtain a social life? I hate it so much what do you guys think be honest? I don't have much of a social life in or out side the rooms, why? Because I learned throughout these last two years I'm not that found of people I am an introvert in its entirety!! I'm proud of that. However I am not proud I used drugs like I did, ****** my family over, stole money, robbed, why do I have to relive it with a bunch of people every week to maintain a number of years with out a drink or drug? Why is abstinence the only way and the only thing taught.... I feel I have grown matured if you will. Please any feed back is awesome sorry for the mouth full I will go more into details of my feeling when i get some answers.
-Nue
P.S.
this is my first ever question on a forum!!
Man, I can really relate to what you say! :)
I hear you on the stubbornness & on wanting to prove something to yourself (& possibly others). What I've come to realize though, is that the most powerful (& challenging) form of 'control' ironically comes in the form of an acceptance of where were at -- what's realistic & good for us & facing down that 'black dog' (our habits) when it comes panting in our ears. If we don't listen & we insist on trying the same old things, we aren't growing (& I'm all about growth -- just like you). Instead, we're throwing away all our potential -- all the possibilities before us -- to focus on this old 'no-winner' -- 'Hammer in my hand still pounding on a screw' (a little musical quote for ya, there :)
Thanks for your response. You may not realize it, but you've helped me to today. You sound like you've got an excellent attitude & have gained in strength & wisdom. Good on you, my friend! Keep it up. :)
I hear you on the stubbornness & on wanting to prove something to yourself (& possibly others). What I've come to realize though, is that the most powerful (& challenging) form of 'control' ironically comes in the form of an acceptance of where were at -- what's realistic & good for us & facing down that 'black dog' (our habits) when it comes panting in our ears. If we don't listen & we insist on trying the same old things, we aren't growing (& I'm all about growth -- just like you). Instead, we're throwing away all our potential -- all the possibilities before us -- to focus on this old 'no-winner' -- 'Hammer in my hand still pounding on a screw' (a little musical quote for ya, there :)
Thanks for your response. You may not realize it, but you've helped me to today. You sound like you've got an excellent attitude & have gained in strength & wisdom. Good on you, my friend! Keep it up. :)
I did go to rehab to appease my parents I lived in sober living for a little over a year but I decided I need to quit everything in jail and I remember making the decision on my own. No preaching just idk the party kind of just stopped for me. I always lived my life in a party that was never going to stop and then I realized the party stopped way before that and never looked back.
Have you ever seen the cat scans or MRIs of an addicts brain bs one that is not. That is scientific proof there that things change in the whole chemistry of your brain etc.
I don't think think addiction is a disease as cancer or strep throat is. But I do think there is definitely a mental/psychological aspect to it.
I gave learned that some things you just can't rationalize. What AA teaches works for many. And for the hard core adficts, total abstinence of drugs and alcohol is the only way they can stay sober. And constant working of the steps and involvement in AA. You can't step away Bc that is when you become lax in it all and can slip agsin.
Now AA is not the only way. I have never hone. Not bc I don't agree with it but bc it is not what I am comfortable doing or being at. Plus I have 2 children and no one to care for them if I go. My story is stupidly starting heroin then prescription drugs to stop. I used them to taper down and quit bc I could not do cold turkey.
But I have been told I am not your typical addict. I know a couple who said I sm done and never drank or used again. No help, no cravings or anything. But they are very few.
You are at about 2 years now. That is when many start getting comfortable in their sobriety and lives. And thoughts start creeping in. Not thoughts of using or craving, but thoughts of hey I'm alright now. I can do this. This was never an issue so occasional drinks won't make a difference.
But in many cases it is your mind tricking you into a false security. Bc even years later, the temptation is still there. I haven't smoked in 12 years but I still get hit with thoughts of having one. I don't do it but the thoughts st times are instence. Same with heroin. That is whyso anted up relapsing years down the line. One leads to more. And they discover they can't handle it.
You're very young. You will have to control this for the rest of your life. 2 years is awesome but still new. You have to just take it as what it is. You are recovering and will be the rest of your life. And you will have instances that will test you in many ways.
I think this is one of those times.
Question- when you stopped was it easy or did you struggle? Did you go to rehab? AA has worked for you. Let it keep doing that.
I don't think think addiction is a disease as cancer or strep throat is. But I do think there is definitely a mental/psychological aspect to it.
I gave learned that some things you just can't rationalize. What AA teaches works for many. And for the hard core adficts, total abstinence of drugs and alcohol is the only way they can stay sober. And constant working of the steps and involvement in AA. You can't step away Bc that is when you become lax in it all and can slip agsin.
Now AA is not the only way. I have never hone. Not bc I don't agree with it but bc it is not what I am comfortable doing or being at. Plus I have 2 children and no one to care for them if I go. My story is stupidly starting heroin then prescription drugs to stop. I used them to taper down and quit bc I could not do cold turkey.
But I have been told I am not your typical addict. I know a couple who said I sm done and never drank or used again. No help, no cravings or anything. But they are very few.
You are at about 2 years now. That is when many start getting comfortable in their sobriety and lives. And thoughts start creeping in. Not thoughts of using or craving, but thoughts of hey I'm alright now. I can do this. This was never an issue so occasional drinks won't make a difference.
But in many cases it is your mind tricking you into a false security. Bc even years later, the temptation is still there. I haven't smoked in 12 years but I still get hit with thoughts of having one. I don't do it but the thoughts st times are instence. Same with heroin. That is whyso anted up relapsing years down the line. One leads to more. And they discover they can't handle it.
You're very young. You will have to control this for the rest of your life. 2 years is awesome but still new. You have to just take it as what it is. You are recovering and will be the rest of your life. And you will have instances that will test you in many ways.
I think this is one of those times.
Question- when you stopped was it easy or did you struggle? Did you go to rehab? AA has worked for you. Let it keep doing that.
EvolverU way to go that was what I needed to read! Let me put it this way if there was a test you took and the doctor came back and was like either "you can drink here and there" or "you can't at all" I would listen and if my test came back you can drink here and there I wouldn't immediately go to the bar and have on with the boys. Why first that would mess with my gym schedule and my diet second I have things to do tomorrow morning and because it holds a stigma. I still think to this day the only reason I did drugs and IVd them especially was to perpetuate a feeling a self worth I set upon myself to get back at my family and it was the sweetest revenge! I don't want that anymore idk what I want I love my routine I make music I have fun I'm captivated in things that I do and want to grow as much as possible. But if I took a sip of alcohol and the program was right and Id be on my *** in no time then damn I guess I'm condemned. But if it didn't wouldnt that be empowering. To know you had control and you chose this life! Idk I hate to think I'm powerless it seems counterproductive I want to take a sip of a beer to prove people wrong to prove the program wrong in all honesty and I'm 21 its hard in this culture
Jugglin I apprcieate your response
Hi there :)
Hat's off to you for kicking the IV drugs to the curb! (fellow ex-IV'er here).
I know that it hurts to think about the things we did in the past while we were using but you have MUCH to be proud of & grateful for! It sounds like you put the brakes on & got your life together @ a very young age. Well done, you! :) I can relate to so much of what you say. I've found that Life is a real trade-off -- all the more so without drugs.
Like, Spider said, it's working right? Let me give you a little perspective here:
I tried meetings, counseling, etc. @ many different junctures in my long 'career' as a serious addict. Unfortunately, they didn't work for me so I was forced to choose less traditional ways of staying clean. I wish to hell that NA/AA had worked for me 'cause it took me a lot longer & I had to get really creative without it. What you describe -- disliking the fact that you have to attend -- the whole 'do-or-die-dogma-thing', is not that uncommon a complaint. The social aspect you describe is also familiar! I have a dear friend who feels the same way but continues to go because, as much as he dislikes certain aspects of it, when he stops, things don't go well. Like they say: 'Take what you need from it & leave the rest'. Many things in life are mixed blessings & we have to find positive ways of accepting this Truth. I've also come to understand that it takes years to heal both neurally & in terms of coping skills/life-adjustments -- especially from the kind of serious poly-abuse we're talking about here. I've got just about the same clean time you have (2 years & 3 mos.) & am still trying to adjust & accept -- trying to find a new balance. I too, find myself more & more 'introverted'. I think we have to be very careful, though of 'isolating' & being to much in our heads.
I'm going to shoot from the hip here because though I completely understand your dissatisfaction & have sympathy for your questions & mindset, I'm reading that you're looking for a 'yeah, it's cool -- have a drink. What's the harm?' answer. God, I wish it were True. I wish it were okay for folks like us but it's not. Comparing caffeine with alcohol is apples & oranges. Sure, you can argue that they're both powerful drugs but their actions are completely different in terms of pleasure pathways. Though caffeine may be addictive, there's a reason there aren't support groups to get off of Java (although, who knows? We live in a crazy world:). It doesn't destroy lives, our health, impair our judgment & sap our will the way that booze does. It doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. It doesn't stop us from getting things accomplished. It's not considered a gateway to reuse other drugs -- the list goes on.
What makes the whole alcohol question doubly difficult is that it's legal & so much social stuff is built around it. I know (for myself @ least) that because we've had to cut out 'drug friends' bars & 'social' drinking can be a strong draw. It's seductive. I certainly struggled with it after I got clean. I was stubborn about the idea that I could have a couple of beers. I found that when things were rough, it wasn't just a few & though I didn't drink everyday, it became more frequent & interfered with just about every aspect of my life. I do know a few people who got clean off pills & are able to do this but no one with the sort of history you & I have. Your very question, tells me you're restless (which I completely relate to) & are looking for a release & a possible excuse to get this release via alcohol. I guess it's time to consider healthier ways to achieve this. Is there anything you've wanted to do/try that might give you pleasure outside of your regular grind? When things get narrow & stale, it's time to think outside the box & adjust our game plan -- otherwise..well, you know the drill. :)
Please, let us know what you're thinking & feeling. Thanks for posting your first question. It was an excellent one -- very important! Hold Fast, you've come so far :)
Hat's off to you for kicking the IV drugs to the curb! (fellow ex-IV'er here).
I know that it hurts to think about the things we did in the past while we were using but you have MUCH to be proud of & grateful for! It sounds like you put the brakes on & got your life together @ a very young age. Well done, you! :) I can relate to so much of what you say. I've found that Life is a real trade-off -- all the more so without drugs.
Like, Spider said, it's working right? Let me give you a little perspective here:
I tried meetings, counseling, etc. @ many different junctures in my long 'career' as a serious addict. Unfortunately, they didn't work for me so I was forced to choose less traditional ways of staying clean. I wish to hell that NA/AA had worked for me 'cause it took me a lot longer & I had to get really creative without it. What you describe -- disliking the fact that you have to attend -- the whole 'do-or-die-dogma-thing', is not that uncommon a complaint. The social aspect you describe is also familiar! I have a dear friend who feels the same way but continues to go because, as much as he dislikes certain aspects of it, when he stops, things don't go well. Like they say: 'Take what you need from it & leave the rest'. Many things in life are mixed blessings & we have to find positive ways of accepting this Truth. I've also come to understand that it takes years to heal both neurally & in terms of coping skills/life-adjustments -- especially from the kind of serious poly-abuse we're talking about here. I've got just about the same clean time you have (2 years & 3 mos.) & am still trying to adjust & accept -- trying to find a new balance. I too, find myself more & more 'introverted'. I think we have to be very careful, though of 'isolating' & being to much in our heads.
I'm going to shoot from the hip here because though I completely understand your dissatisfaction & have sympathy for your questions & mindset, I'm reading that you're looking for a 'yeah, it's cool -- have a drink. What's the harm?' answer. God, I wish it were True. I wish it were okay for folks like us but it's not. Comparing caffeine with alcohol is apples & oranges. Sure, you can argue that they're both powerful drugs but their actions are completely different in terms of pleasure pathways. Though caffeine may be addictive, there's a reason there aren't support groups to get off of Java (although, who knows? We live in a crazy world:). It doesn't destroy lives, our health, impair our judgment & sap our will the way that booze does. It doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. It doesn't stop us from getting things accomplished. It's not considered a gateway to reuse other drugs -- the list goes on.
What makes the whole alcohol question doubly difficult is that it's legal & so much social stuff is built around it. I know (for myself @ least) that because we've had to cut out 'drug friends' bars & 'social' drinking can be a strong draw. It's seductive. I certainly struggled with it after I got clean. I was stubborn about the idea that I could have a couple of beers. I found that when things were rough, it wasn't just a few & though I didn't drink everyday, it became more frequent & interfered with just about every aspect of my life. I do know a few people who got clean off pills & are able to do this but no one with the sort of history you & I have. Your very question, tells me you're restless (which I completely relate to) & are looking for a release & a possible excuse to get this release via alcohol. I guess it's time to consider healthier ways to achieve this. Is there anything you've wanted to do/try that might give you pleasure outside of your regular grind? When things get narrow & stale, it's time to think outside the box & adjust our game plan -- otherwise..well, you know the drill. :)
Please, let us know what you're thinking & feeling. Thanks for posting your first question. It was an excellent one -- very important! Hold Fast, you've come so far :)
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