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My Story
About 3 1/2 years ago I overcame an addiction the hard way. I had been taking around 40-60mg hydrocodone a day for about a year. I was younger, barely 21, just out of a hellish relationship and Vicodin was my soulmate. I was spending upwards of 400 bucks a month on my addiction. For me, this was a lot of money at the time.
My supplier's supplier then got pinched and I no longer had a source for getting my opiates. After I started the withdrawals I decided I was never going back. It wasn't worth it. 2 days into detox I got a call from someone who could supplement me. My thinking, I was already this far, why go back? I said no and continued to be miserable. Opiate withdrawals have always been really hard for me to explain to people that have never had them.
Basically, I equate it to what dying must feel life. Like Cancer or a disease ripping you apart from th inside out. You don't want to live. 8 months later I was 100% clean from opiates feeling better than I ever had. I lost the extra 20 pounds I gained during the detox and depressing days following the physical withdrawals. I was going out again, I was doing good work, it looked as though I had got my life back. I barely thought of opiates anymore. I was getting laid a lot more again and I was motivated and I think that helped.
Before I go any further I want to say, I have been on every drug imaginable short of Heroin itself and speed. I have smoked crack, I have done coke for weekends at a time, I have been a heavy drinker for months at a time and NOTHING makes you feel worse than going off opiates. Nothing feels better either. Vicodin makes you feel unstoppable, invincible. Not in a destructive sort of way, like I thought I could fly, but I felt confident, capable of anything but still felt grounded. It's an unbelievable feeling. If I could feel that way forever without worrying my body telling me to F off if I ever stopped, I WOULD IN A SECOND. Unfortunately, that's not the case, I do not condone heroin use, but I do understand it.
Anyway, February rolls around and I am doing great. I met a new lady friend and things are going well, I just got a raise at work, I'm now making over 45k a year at age 23 with full health and dental benefits. Then some ******* ran a red light and ruined my life. Totaled my car, piece of glass went through my head, straight through it, causing bulges in my cervical spine as well as eventually a clean fracture in my lumbar spine with a pars defect. Called spondylolithesthis , or something closely spelled to it. Within the first year I lost motor function in my right leg and was taking upwards of 60-100mg of hydrocodone just to function. This was not the fun time taking opiates. However, I was as responsible as possible, candid, made all my doctors appointments, etc.
Then I developed for the first time a real tolerance. Now, I at never point in my opiate history have been at a point where taking a 7.5/10 mg viocdin did not give it's desired effect. Sometimes it didn't last as long but it worked in small doses.
I wake up one morning and I am feeling WD symptoms. I give the norco 15 minutes to kick in. So, after 20 or so minutes of nothing, I take another because the withdrawals are starting to feel worse. NOTHING. So, I wrap another in tissue paper, crushed up and parachute it. This ONLY kicks the withdrawal symptoms. Pain is still there, no high. This worries me. So, I go directly to my doctor and tell him what is going on. He puts me on 30mg Opana ER twice a day and 6 norcos a day for breakthrough pain. For the first month or so, I was fantastic. Then, again I start having heavy withdrawals symptoms very morning after 2-3 months into my new rx. A friend of mine that had been telling me to crush up the opana and snort it for a long time. I was scared of that until the withdrawals got so bad, I finally did it. I would break up a 30mg pill into 3 doses by snorting. Everything went back to normal. I wouldn't get the high I used to, but I didn't feel sick. Then I started feeling very strange. Really strong withdrawals, unimaginable pain, sweating like a hooker on death row, tightness in my chest, and a slow heartbeat. Not to mention my pupils were wacked. This started to scare me so much that this past Tuesday, I went in and told my doctor I wanted off the narcotics.
I should also point out that when I was on vicodin, I never missed one day of work and felt fine. The 5 months on Opana I started having trouble getting out of bed, trouble focusing, etc.
Anyway, I go back to my doctor and tell him I am having a lot of trouble with the Opana and I want off the narcotics. I am still in pain and need spinal fusion surgery but I am now on disability and can not afford spinal fusion and I cant start a new job(I got laid off right when our company merged with another) to afford the surgery while on these meds. My pain doc was such a ****. I told him Opana made me feel like I was dying when I was on it and when I was off it. His solution was to ween me off of the Opana.
The Opana was making me so scared that I personally went from 90 mg(perscribed dose) to maybe 50mg on a bad day usually 30-40 mg. Whenever I took Opana I got these weird symptoms, like I was going to die. When I was off it was the same but in a different way. I stopped taking the meds as much because I was scared. I feared my reaction to the meds more than the pain and withdrawals and his solution after hearing this was to stay on the meds and lower my dose. Attributing all of my symptoms to slowing down my dose on my own, ignoring me when I told him I did it because the symptoms happened first. Anyway, I keep telling him I do not want to take Opana anymore, it scares me, even when I take it responsibly now. He ylled at me and told me I was annoying him. ******* *****.
Now, I understand I am not a doctor and that is all well and good but I know my body. Taking this med gave me undesirable effects. This to me rang of him being in someone's pocket. It's kind of ironic that I had never heard of Opana being perscribed to pain patients then all of a sudden anyone on OxyContin or something strong is magically being put on Opana at one time. This infuriated me but what choice did I have? I wanted off the meds.
So, he started me on a 16 day regimen:
Day Morning Night
1 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
2 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
3 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
4 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
5 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
6 30mg Opana ER
7 30mg Opana ER
8 30mg Opana ER
9 30mg Opana ER
10 30mg Opana ER
11 15mg MS Contin ER
12 15mg MS Contin ER
13 15mg MS Contin ER
14 15mg MS Contin ER
15 15mg MS Contin ER
My supplier's supplier then got pinched and I no longer had a source for getting my opiates. After I started the withdrawals I decided I was never going back. It wasn't worth it. 2 days into detox I got a call from someone who could supplement me. My thinking, I was already this far, why go back? I said no and continued to be miserable. Opiate withdrawals have always been really hard for me to explain to people that have never had them.
Basically, I equate it to what dying must feel life. Like Cancer or a disease ripping you apart from th inside out. You don't want to live. 8 months later I was 100% clean from opiates feeling better than I ever had. I lost the extra 20 pounds I gained during the detox and depressing days following the physical withdrawals. I was going out again, I was doing good work, it looked as though I had got my life back. I barely thought of opiates anymore. I was getting laid a lot more again and I was motivated and I think that helped.
Before I go any further I want to say, I have been on every drug imaginable short of Heroin itself and speed. I have smoked crack, I have done coke for weekends at a time, I have been a heavy drinker for months at a time and NOTHING makes you feel worse than going off opiates. Nothing feels better either. Vicodin makes you feel unstoppable, invincible. Not in a destructive sort of way, like I thought I could fly, but I felt confident, capable of anything but still felt grounded. It's an unbelievable feeling. If I could feel that way forever without worrying my body telling me to F off if I ever stopped, I WOULD IN A SECOND. Unfortunately, that's not the case, I do not condone heroin use, but I do understand it.
Anyway, February rolls around and I am doing great. I met a new lady friend and things are going well, I just got a raise at work, I'm now making over 45k a year at age 23 with full health and dental benefits. Then some ******* ran a red light and ruined my life. Totaled my car, piece of glass went through my head, straight through it, causing bulges in my cervical spine as well as eventually a clean fracture in my lumbar spine with a pars defect. Called spondylolithesthis , or something closely spelled to it. Within the first year I lost motor function in my right leg and was taking upwards of 60-100mg of hydrocodone just to function. This was not the fun time taking opiates. However, I was as responsible as possible, candid, made all my doctors appointments, etc.
Then I developed for the first time a real tolerance. Now, I at never point in my opiate history have been at a point where taking a 7.5/10 mg viocdin did not give it's desired effect. Sometimes it didn't last as long but it worked in small doses.
I wake up one morning and I am feeling WD symptoms. I give the norco 15 minutes to kick in. So, after 20 or so minutes of nothing, I take another because the withdrawals are starting to feel worse. NOTHING. So, I wrap another in tissue paper, crushed up and parachute it. This ONLY kicks the withdrawal symptoms. Pain is still there, no high. This worries me. So, I go directly to my doctor and tell him what is going on. He puts me on 30mg Opana ER twice a day and 6 norcos a day for breakthrough pain. For the first month or so, I was fantastic. Then, again I start having heavy withdrawals symptoms very morning after 2-3 months into my new rx. A friend of mine that had been telling me to crush up the opana and snort it for a long time. I was scared of that until the withdrawals got so bad, I finally did it. I would break up a 30mg pill into 3 doses by snorting. Everything went back to normal. I wouldn't get the high I used to, but I didn't feel sick. Then I started feeling very strange. Really strong withdrawals, unimaginable pain, sweating like a hooker on death row, tightness in my chest, and a slow heartbeat. Not to mention my pupils were wacked. This started to scare me so much that this past Tuesday, I went in and told my doctor I wanted off the narcotics.
I should also point out that when I was on vicodin, I never missed one day of work and felt fine. The 5 months on Opana I started having trouble getting out of bed, trouble focusing, etc.
Anyway, I go back to my doctor and tell him I am having a lot of trouble with the Opana and I want off the narcotics. I am still in pain and need spinal fusion surgery but I am now on disability and can not afford spinal fusion and I cant start a new job(I got laid off right when our company merged with another) to afford the surgery while on these meds. My pain doc was such a ****. I told him Opana made me feel like I was dying when I was on it and when I was off it. His solution was to ween me off of the Opana.
The Opana was making me so scared that I personally went from 90 mg(perscribed dose) to maybe 50mg on a bad day usually 30-40 mg. Whenever I took Opana I got these weird symptoms, like I was going to die. When I was off it was the same but in a different way. I stopped taking the meds as much because I was scared. I feared my reaction to the meds more than the pain and withdrawals and his solution after hearing this was to stay on the meds and lower my dose. Attributing all of my symptoms to slowing down my dose on my own, ignoring me when I told him I did it because the symptoms happened first. Anyway, I keep telling him I do not want to take Opana anymore, it scares me, even when I take it responsibly now. He ylled at me and told me I was annoying him. ******* *****.
Now, I understand I am not a doctor and that is all well and good but I know my body. Taking this med gave me undesirable effects. This to me rang of him being in someone's pocket. It's kind of ironic that I had never heard of Opana being perscribed to pain patients then all of a sudden anyone on OxyContin or something strong is magically being put on Opana at one time. This infuriated me but what choice did I have? I wanted off the meds.
So, he started me on a 16 day regimen:
Day Morning Night
1 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
2 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
3 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
4 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
5 30mg Opana ER - 15mg MS Contin ER
6 30mg Opana ER
7 30mg Opana ER
8 30mg Opana ER
9 30mg Opana ER
10 30mg Opana ER
11 15mg MS Contin ER
12 15mg MS Contin ER
13 15mg MS Contin ER
14 15mg MS Contin ER
15 15mg MS Contin ER
All with a Clonidine patch and 60 1mg ativan and hot baths(god send).
To be honest I am on day 3 and I am feeling okay. Much better than I had anticipated, but I do get those scary symptoms 2 hours after the Opana kicks in. Tightness in my chest, slow heart rate, but a lot more clear headed and present. I've even started doing workouts again. I know it will start getting worse and I really do fear the pain, but I fear death even more. Pain can go away.
This is me trying to get my life back. I have gained weight during this time(I am massive vain and decent enough looking that gaining weight really bothers me), alienated some friends, lost my job, among other things.
I'm on day three and aside from the weird side effects from the opana, I feel ok. Gives me headaches but I am actually feeling the rx working. For the first two days, while it was bad, I couldn't tell you by feeling it whether or not I actually took my meds. Now, I feel the Opana working but I am still getting the scary side effects. I am swallowing it whole in pill form with the coating on, in case anyone was curious. I am doing exactly what my doctor tells me and hoping that in 2 weeks I will have lowered my dependency enough to go off of these meds for good.
I will keep everyone updated. And thanks for listeneing
To be honest I am on day 3 and I am feeling okay. Much better than I had anticipated, but I do get those scary symptoms 2 hours after the Opana kicks in. Tightness in my chest, slow heart rate, but a lot more clear headed and present. I've even started doing workouts again. I know it will start getting worse and I really do fear the pain, but I fear death even more. Pain can go away.
This is me trying to get my life back. I have gained weight during this time(I am massive vain and decent enough looking that gaining weight really bothers me), alienated some friends, lost my job, among other things.
I'm on day three and aside from the weird side effects from the opana, I feel ok. Gives me headaches but I am actually feeling the rx working. For the first two days, while it was bad, I couldn't tell you by feeling it whether or not I actually took my meds. Now, I feel the Opana working but I am still getting the scary side effects. I am swallowing it whole in pill form with the coating on, in case anyone was curious. I am doing exactly what my doctor tells me and hoping that in 2 weeks I will have lowered my dependency enough to go off of these meds for good.
I will keep everyone updated. And thanks for listeneing
your doctor sound like a jerk! Any reason, why he can't put you on the morphine and just take you off the opana? Also, i'm so sorry about all your troubles,sound like you were doing so well until your car accident. It's a scary thing to know that one's life can change so drastically with a blink of an eye, or in your case someone's carelessness.
I am so sorry you life changes so much so fast ... I have never taken opana before, but I do take morphine 15 mg 3 times a day, I don't understand why your Dr didn't put you on them. by the way he sounds like a real a s s... hopefully you will get off them for good this time, maybe find another Dr? is that possible? I know you said no insurance but maybe someone can help you? I also have info to help get you meds if you need help with the cost.. pm me if you need it
Karen
Karen
Actually, I do have insurance through cobra, which my ex boss is paying for three months. I did get laid off, which just ***** but what can you do?
The ironic part is up until telling him I wanted off the narcotics, my PMP had been GREAT. Very proactive, very understanding about my situation, and I felt really comfortable with him as my PMP. Then, he starts yelling at me because I wanted to go off of Opana because it made me feel like I could curl over and die at any moment. Obviously, I wasn't going to, but the fact I felt this way, even on the medication tells me he either thought I was lying or thinks I'm an idiot.
I'm not perfect, but I am not a moron either. I just want to be healthy so I can feel like a normal human being again without worrying about the side effects of the drugs I am on.
I know I have had a bad string of bad luck, but I know I can beat it. But had I know what this drug did to me in the beginning, I wouldn't have ever taken it. And from what I read online, the positive reinforcement from people on Opana is few and far between.
I just hope I can get to the point where I don't need narcotics of this strength. I need surgery and I know at some point I will need them again, but I also know now that I have no desire to take them unless all other solutions have been exhausted. One day at a time.
The ironic part is up until telling him I wanted off the narcotics, my PMP had been GREAT. Very proactive, very understanding about my situation, and I felt really comfortable with him as my PMP. Then, he starts yelling at me because I wanted to go off of Opana because it made me feel like I could curl over and die at any moment. Obviously, I wasn't going to, but the fact I felt this way, even on the medication tells me he either thought I was lying or thinks I'm an idiot.
I'm not perfect, but I am not a moron either. I just want to be healthy so I can feel like a normal human being again without worrying about the side effects of the drugs I am on.
I know I have had a bad string of bad luck, but I know I can beat it. But had I know what this drug did to me in the beginning, I wouldn't have ever taken it. And from what I read online, the positive reinforcement from people on Opana is few and far between.
I just hope I can get to the point where I don't need narcotics of this strength. I need surgery and I know at some point I will need them again, but I also know now that I have no desire to take them unless all other solutions have been exhausted. One day at a time.
i am not sure that you never have a choice tho....whenever someone feels that the drugs prescribed are not what is needed...u have a right to protest.....we should all research anything we are prescribed or ask our pharmacist..dont leave ur care without education to a doctor..ever...they do not know whether u are abusing or not/dont know u r addicted as everyone /most do not abuse and become addicted/ i am sorry i take the sie of "most' doctors as their goal is not to hurt u and u have to be honest with them...opana is a form of oxycodone twice as strong...oxymorphone...someone with a fusion/as i have should never rely on drugs this strong and it is sad ur doctor prescribed this for u.....to go from a 7.5 vicoden to oxymorphone is almost ludicrist ...but then snorting it was not in the directions i would hope....if ur doctor told u to snort the opana u need to report him immediately...but in the meantime he is helping u taper down.....do u blame this doctor for all of this? do u take any responsibilty for it or do u feel ur doctor kindof slipped this in on u to make u become an addict? i sure hope i never run into a doctor like this...it is evil
No, No , No. The only thing I blame my doctor for is being a **** when I came in and told him I wanted to go off th narcotics. When I verbalized that I felt as though the Opana was having an adverse effect with my biology, he ignored it and then shouted at me when I tried to re approach it.
Going from 6-10 norcos a day to 2 30mg opanas seemed like a standard transition. I chose on my own accord to start snorting them because swallowing them resulted in intense withdrawal like symptoms. It was at this point that I have grown fearful of my drug use.
Up until the point I snorted the first one, I never would have thought of myself as out of control or being irresponsible. I took my prescribed dose of norco every day until the prescribed dose stopped working. When I told him this, which I did right away, he switched me to Opana.
I don't blame anyone. I am a pain patient that devloped a tolerance to opiates. I blame myself for snorting it but th withdrawals wer so bad that me getting to my doctors office on one of the only two days he was in was not an option. I couldn't move when I didnt take the meds and I didnt want to move when I did.
If anyone is to blame it's the ******* that didn't know that RED MEANS STOP. If that accident had never happened, I truly believe I would have never touched an opiate again. I never go to doctors because its a pain in the *** and until then I rarely went unless I seriously thought something was wrong health wise.
I even dealt with the pain for 3 months until my lawyer sent me to his ortho who prescribed me vicodin, which I stopped taking shortly after that. I am not perfect and I know I have made mistakes. I feel as though I have paid for them and then some and I just want the life I had before the accident back, now.
Going to your doctor and telling him you want off narcotics is a scary moment and I don't feel he went about it the right way. Made me feel like asking questions was not an option. It pissed me off. I think I have every right to be pissed off about it. The treatment is working though, so how mad can I be, even if the opana still scares me.
Going from 6-10 norcos a day to 2 30mg opanas seemed like a standard transition. I chose on my own accord to start snorting them because swallowing them resulted in intense withdrawal like symptoms. It was at this point that I have grown fearful of my drug use.
Up until the point I snorted the first one, I never would have thought of myself as out of control or being irresponsible. I took my prescribed dose of norco every day until the prescribed dose stopped working. When I told him this, which I did right away, he switched me to Opana.
I don't blame anyone. I am a pain patient that devloped a tolerance to opiates. I blame myself for snorting it but th withdrawals wer so bad that me getting to my doctors office on one of the only two days he was in was not an option. I couldn't move when I didnt take the meds and I didnt want to move when I did.
If anyone is to blame it's the ******* that didn't know that RED MEANS STOP. If that accident had never happened, I truly believe I would have never touched an opiate again. I never go to doctors because its a pain in the *** and until then I rarely went unless I seriously thought something was wrong health wise.
I even dealt with the pain for 3 months until my lawyer sent me to his ortho who prescribed me vicodin, which I stopped taking shortly after that. I am not perfect and I know I have made mistakes. I feel as though I have paid for them and then some and I just want the life I had before the accident back, now.
Going to your doctor and telling him you want off narcotics is a scary moment and I don't feel he went about it the right way. Made me feel like asking questions was not an option. It pissed me off. I think I have every right to be pissed off about it. The treatment is working though, so how mad can I be, even if the opana still scares me.
just be safe...do not depend on a doctor to know everything about ur life and habits...most are not up to date on addiction and as many patients can take narcotics and never have an addiction problem/it is up to us to tell them as we know our body and they only know what we tell them....doctors as a whole are wonderful and caring people who do not set out each morning to add another addict to their list of patients...when it comes to addiction..it is the addict that has to make the first move and take the responsibilty....taking a patient from 7.5 hydros to opana is a strange move for an MD...perhaps if there were no extinuating circumstances..u may need to change doctors....i see no benefit in a doctor setting out to make u an addict...why? he may be questionable in ethics to switch u from hydros to opana if u never complained.....anyway....just keep working towards cleandom
I read my post to u an i feel i may have been a bit "strong' in my post.....but opana is such a strong drug that it is strange u would go into withdrawal from it after being on 7.5 hydrocodone....as i is much stronger than hydrocodne...i am sure whn typing a story that accidnetly parts are left out i apologize but when i see somethenting that does not fit,,i tend to analyze it and that is not what u need here....u need to get where u want be...clean and happy....so i am off to bed and sorry if i over-ananlyzed ur drug history......do be safe
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