I've been using about 300mg of oxycontin a day and im a small 20 year old girl. I've got that feeling of frustration, like you just want to throw your hands up in the air and say "F-u-c-k it"Been to rehabs, been to AA, cold turkeyed millions of times, tried suboxone detoxes, But i always end up back on oxycontin. I don't have anyone to blame but myself, some days its like im up above watching myself going through the motions of my life. I see myself come to each decision, each fork in the road, and then I watch myself make the bad decision, knowing its wrong, but making some excuse to justify it. I can see myself doing all the things that people told me will happen if I stay down this road, pushing away people that care about me,spending all my money, all my time, it becomes the only thing I care about. Ive got no control, everyday i've said okay this is the last time I will do it, and hte next morning I wake up in the worst wirthdawals and go buy more. SPend about 300 dollars a day as well. I feel hopeless. Im trying to stop again, but im trying on my own, and It's like i know this will end with me going back to using but somehow ive convinced myself in my mind that this time will be different. It's like my disease is literally controlling my using and my so called attempts at recovery. Im so mad at myself so mad at this disease, I hate the pain I cause others, I feel like im in so deep, I wish I could just step back and let go of everthing. I just want to slow down and enjoy my life and make decisions based on my true desires not around where the drugs are, when I can get them, where theyre the cheapest. I want to just enjoy each day and the people in my life and appreciate all that I have and all the people I love that i'm letting slip away now, by stealing money from them, lying to them and myself, only caring about getting to my dealer as fast as possible to stop the withdrawals. Ive got two voices in my head, one that writes this begging for help, telling myself everyday im doing the wrong thing, I shouldnt smoke that pill, I shouldnt spend that money, but all it takes is one milli-second for the other voice to chime in, the addict voice, and the games over, before I can even stop myself im half way to my dealers house.
That was a long rant, I just want to know to anyone out there that has been in this cycle for so long, and everything seems impossible and hopeless and far away, how'd you finally get out for good?? Whatd u do that was different.